Ask The Fellas

[Mochalatte8]

@Dhakra He has a high tolerance to alcohol unfortunately. So when most people would be stupid drunk and act stupid, he is not. When he drinks a lot, he will be more talkative. I think deep down, I know he won't cheat on me. His guys friends have met me before and they all respect me. So I would think it would be awkward if my bf flirts with a girl in front of them. I know it's natural for girls to flirt with him but I can't control other people's actions. Since we've lived together, I've never heard him talk to a girl on the phone. 

 

I know we spend a lot of time together because we live together. During the week, he comes straight home from work and we cook dinner together and watch TV. On Friday nights, he wants to go out with his guy friends drinking and stay out until 3 AM. He's not a morning person anyways so he sleeps in on weekends. I love to get up early. So I just accept that we will have date nights on Saturdays. I guess he has more fun with his friends because they just drink. They don't usually do things like go work out together or play sports. Some guy friends will text him to hang out because they know they will have a good time with him. He has a bad habit of not knowing how to say no. 

 

But when we hang out, we usually go to a nice dinner on Saturday. Sunday, we go to the beach, or grill by the pool or take a walk along a trail with our dog. So yeah it's "boring" compared to his guy friends because we're not clubbing and drinking, 

[Guest]

@SejabinWow. Maybe one day you will actually say something useful here and not say something that feels like from the last century.

Still Ask the Fellas here. 

[Mochalatte8]

@Dhakra you're right about the yin and yang. He has mentioned this to me before. It just boggles my mind that if he used to go out so much and be around girls who are like that, why not just be with them? Then they can both go out and stay out late drinking. 

[mouse007]

@Mochalatte8 hmmmm in all

honesty, speaking woman to woman, it’s hard not to feel jealous or insecure when your man is out so late into the night without a phone call. 

 

Just based on on what you’ve written here, it sounds like he has the sort of past that is giving you reason to worry. Do I think it’s normal

for you to feel the way you do? Yes. Do I think it’s understandable given the situation? Yes. 

 

I do think @Dhakra is right though, you probably know him better than we do so ask yourself if you can fully trust him. Does he become so inebriated that he loses his sense of propriety? Does he flirt? Do you see him potentially doing something bad? Was he unfaithful in the past? Are his guy friends trustworthy? Are his friends who you would consider a good influence?

 

If the amount of time and effort he is spending with his friends is making you jealous and insecure, let him know. 

 

It’s nice that you are trying to change your thinking about the situation. But it sounds to me like it would be better if you discussed how you feel with him. Because at the end of the day, how he makes you feel matters. You can keep trying to adjust your thinking but if he keeps doing things that make you insecure or upset, the problem won’t go away and might actually worsen. 

 

 

Edit:

 

Sorry, I didn’t realize there were a bunch of posts between you and @Dhakra after i read the initial post so my advice above is moot. Lol

 

after reading your subsequent posts, it seems to me like your guy is serious about you. He just enjoys certain things with his guy friends and he enjoys other things with you. You said yourself that he doesn’t really talk to any girls on the phone when he’s home and if he’s not with his guy friends, he’s spending time with you. 

 

It might actually be a good thing that he chooses to share what you call “boring” or just mundane everyday activities with you. To me, it just says he enjoys your company and you are enough. 

 

Anyway, @Dhakra knows guys better so I’ll let him keep advising you 

 

[Guest]

@Mochalatte8I will answer you on your big post tomorrow. But the second is easy to answer.

 

First going out and partying with girls is way harder and stressful, especially with other guys. It's like competition. Guys want always to excel each other, you aren't free. Everyone wants the attention from her, if she is your gf, you always have to take care and stay alert, because girls will also attract other guys. He already has people like this, his friends where he can just turn his head off and do dumb stuff. 

 

You are not part of this world, you are what he needs and doesn't have. You don't have anything to do with this stuff, so he doesn't need to take care. 

 

But he has to realize that you need a different kind of treatment that he needs to include. He cannot benefit from you, without doing stuff. 

[Mochalatte8]

@mouse007

I think in the past he would probably unintentionally be nice and that would come across as "flirting" with girls. Or text girls. That has led to arguments with his ex gf who actually was like him and liked to go out and party. I'm not too fond of his former guy friends because they lack depth and are only interested in drinking and partying. But his current friends are those at work and they seem more ambitious than his former friends. 

 

I have met his family and his mom commented that "he is a lot of things but a cheater he is not." And I believe deep down he won't cheat on me. He has been cheated on multiple times in the past. That's not to say he won't cheat on me at all but I think he would break up with me first.

 

On our anniversary this past weekend, we argued. I was petty and called my guy friend to spite him. He was so angry and flew off the handle. So I feel like if he talked seriously to a girl, it would be hypocritical of him to do so. We almost broke up because he was so mad that I was talking to a guy and he thought I was going out with him. 

 

We have had more frequent near break up arguments. But after we calm down and talk, we still want to make it work. In the past, he would have walked away and broken up. He's very impatient. Dont get me wrong. I'm not perfect. He has invested a lot of time and energy in me too and put up with my richard simmons. That's how I know I have some meaning in his life that he can't walk away just yet. 

[Guest]

@SejabinTrust me, it's not. No guys are like that, you have no idea what you are talking about. It's just random, confusing stuff.

More opinions are good, if they would be any good and yours are far, far, FAR away from that. 

But this isn't about you here, luckily. 

[Mochalatte8]

@mouse007 please don't stop sharing advice. I appreciate a fellow female's perspective despite that this is the "ask the fellas" thread. When I tell people my situation, they tell me to break up with him because I can't expect people to change and he leads a bad lifestyle. But I don't want to do anything rash just yet before thinking hard about all aspects of our relationship. 

 

Yes he is serious about me. His mom told me that he said that I am his best friend. But I am just scared that I'll get hurt by him given his past and high risk of falling back to old habits. When he hangs out with his guy friends, he is dwelling in his past. When he is with me, I am his present and future. 

 

I have talked to him about my concerns. He tells me I'm insecure and weak. He's a salesman so he's good at twisting things around and making it my fault. I'm not good at debating with him. I'm only good at long soliloquy. 

 

I know if I don't change my behavior and the way I think,  I will push him away. I forget that my intelligence and stability of my career make me attractive to him. I get so caught up with him going out and being around girls, that I feel that I'm not "hot" enough. 

[Mochalatte8]

@Dhakra that makes sense about guys only going out with guys instead of bringing their gfs. 

 

[Guest]

@SejabinIf you truly think, anyone with an IQ above room temperature will take your "advices", then please, be my guest and continue to think it.

 

 

[Guest]

1. Your "advises get ignored.... ALL THE TIME. 

2. glad you figured that one out 

3. You do realize that this is a thread that is TARGETED at guys and I am the only one around. 

4. No, mouse advices are very, very good. But surprise, people actually think I am right a lot of times, because....Look at 2...I am a guy and know what I am talking about. 

 

Seja, I will ignore you from now on, you didn't understand back then and you still don't. Luckily all people here always ignored your advices, the only one who didn't realize that, was you. 

 

Stay here, it doesn't matter anyway. 

[Mochalatte8]

@Lawyerh you're right. Since it's just once a week on Friday nights, I should use that time to do something for myself.  

 

 

[Guest]

@Mochalatte8I sent you a pm 

[Guest]

@SejabinThat's doesn't even make sense... soo yeah... Whatever.

Keep talking 

[zantac_2]

On 3/12/2019 at 4:23 PM, Mochalatte8 said:

@Lawyerh you're right. Since it's just once a week on Friday nights, I should use that time to do something for myself.  

 

 

think of it as that. he is mostly giving you 6 days a week, and only 1 day for his friends. if you want to experience his nightly/early morning crawls then setup date nights that would be just that.

as for your insecurities, that is on you alone. from the sounds of it, his track record proves otherwise. your neurotic thoughts towards his level of committment can only change if you make the change. reflecting on sejabins advice, why give him this much attention? apart from being a bore, he hasnt done anything that should be of concern.

from the scope of it all, should both of you really be in a relationship? on one side, you have a guy close to hitting 40s still hanging onto his youth. and on the other side, you have a girl who has trust issues. that to me, is incompatibility.

[Rihyun]

Why do some guys get really close w/ you on snapchat but ghost you in person?

[Guest]

On 3/20/2019 at 6:05 AM, Rihyun said:

Why do some guys get really close w/ you on snapchat but ghost you in person?

 

Maybe they/he is shy in rl  

[Hsu Lei]

Me and my boyfriend who is my friend for a year started dating last week.

At first, he said he will work in Taiwan for a year until I finished my master degree and after that we can study for phD together. But today he mentioned about phD program from his home university. I did not want to see like forcing him to stay with me So I did not ask about his plan in detail. Should I ask him ? Will he think like I am trying to tie him down ?

[Guest]

No, well, depends how you ask him. He is your boyfriend, so it's just normal to know about his future, so just ask him freely and tell him that you just want to understand in detail. Don't mention your previous plans, because this could sound like you want to tie him down.

[Hsu Lei]

59 minutes ago, Dhakra said:

No, well, depends how you ask him. He is your boyfriend, so it's just normal to know about his future, so just ask him freely and tell him that you just want to understand in detail. Don't mention your previous plans, because this could sound like you want to tie him down.

Actually, pursuing phD together is his plan. My plan is not to fall in love too much xD but I already did.