Ask The Fellas

[CamelKnight]

On 9/17/2018 at 1:27 AM, rosierosie said:

Like I text him, then he text me back, and ask me how I'm doing. He also texted me wink emoji   ?

Tbh this could indeed mean anything. I randomly put emojis in my messages too, just to annoy people. It doesn't have to mean anything. There's an option it could mean something though. But if you're interested in this guy, you should simply pursue him  Go for it!

 

16 hours ago, aok said:

Wow, so I was shown text messages from a friend between her and her boyfriend. My intuition from reading the conversation tells me he's cheating but then she starts going off about me not knowing anything because I've never been in a relationship and blah, blah, blah. Anyways, it seemed to me like he just gave himself up while he was trying to defend himself at one point.

 

So the coversation kinda goes like this... he thought she was going on a date (automatically assuming it was with a man) because she was looking nice (from a pic she sent him). Then he was all like...

 

Bf: if you want to be with another man just tell me. don't go messing around behind my back and playing me. I really care about you and I need to know you feel the same way.

 

Gf: i do feel the same way.

 

(and then this is where i start suspecting him from how he just kept talking)

 

Bf: good like i dont talk to other females that way at all. I dont send pics or anything to anyone except you just so you know.

 

Gf: dont talk to girls in what way?

 

Bf: like trying to get them. You dont talk to guys like that do you?

 

Gf: no i don't. Since you asked I'm going to ask you, Are you seeing another woman behind my back?

 

Bf: no like i said i care about you a lot and would never put you through something like that.

 

Gf: ok so how do you feel about me?

 

Bf: i care about you you're always on my mind. I always call you babe or baby and ask for your photos. That should point out how much i care about you.

 

(me: wow that's caring? dang!)

 

So what do you guys think? Was i thinking too much into it? Or is he seeing another woman? I don't know what to ask specifically but I need some inputs so i can have something to argue about with my friend from a guys point.

 

Other things to factor in are that he never wants to see her on the weekends. When he does want to see her it's when he decides to take a day off from work. They only see each other once about every two months (they live 40 minutes away from each other). Both works on weekdays only. She initiates the texts. Oh, and he's been hanging out with another woman during the weekends and only with that certain one.

I actually don't read a lot in that (though I'm guessing this is based on memory, not on the actual texts). Seems to me he's scared she is cheating on him but the rest of it seems innocent to me. That doesn't mean he isn't cheating, but it does'n't mean he is either.

[CamelKnight]

On 9/21/2018 at 3:35 PM, Sejabin said:

which one is important for a guy? career and money or their love one? if must to choose which one will guy choose?

That is totally dependent on the guy. I would go for love, others would go for career and money. There is no one answer.

[halfmoonsmile]

Haha

[Guest aok]

When a man who is in a relationship  needs time to himself, how long would he need? How long is too long?

[Guest]

Man arrived. @aok will be saved. Forget everything that was said before, sorry.  Cooking or Sleeping won't do it, we don't work like this.

 

The question is why he needed time in the first place. Was it because of a fight or just because he is busy or stressed? If he just needs time for himself without thinking, maybe because he just has a lot of work to do and no time, then give him a day or two, maybe even a little longer, just give him his space but be there if needed.

 

If it is because of a fight, it depends how he thinks. If he thinks he was in the right, it can take a freaking long time, if he thinks he's right, but actually wasn't, he just needs to time to man up and convince himself that he did something wrong, should take less than a week, if he is wrong it takes just a few days, the older he is, the faster he will talk to you. We can accept defeat, but not right away. We can be very stubborn, which should be taken into account.

22 hours ago, aok said:

How long is too long?

 

Everything beyond two weeks. Even more than one and a half week is very unusual. It really depends why we need time for ourselves. Sometimes it's also just an excuse to avoid someone for a specific period of time. @Sejabinwas at least correct with one thing, sometimes we do need to be alone in our "dark cave". 

After a week you can text him, sometimes we even wait for the girl to message us, just because we love it. Every guy likes attention, some more than others, but you will rarely find a guy who doesn't like a girls attention. 

[Guest]

@SejabinYou will always find an exception to the rule, but if you go with that, this whole thread would make no sense.

 

No, it won't, maybe in a superficial or very old-fashioned and outdated relationship. If you want time for yourself, it doesn't matter. Yes, you may miss those things, but if these are the stuff that makes you come back, then there wasn't an issue in the first place.

 

For now I wait for @aokreply.

[Guest]

Well, this is something objective and individually that is different for each guy. Some can handle it, some don't. All I can say is that some guys are worried that they are not good enough for her girl, just because she is more succesful than him. They are also feared by the thought that they could meet someone better, someone who is closer to their salary.

But like I said, there are also guys who can handle it. 

 

There is no general rule what we prefer, all I can say is that "a girl who stays 24 hours at home 7 days a week" is old fashioned and doesn't fit in modern times. If a guy prefers this type, the girl should look for someone else. We are in the 21st century after all.

Some men prefer if the girl in independant. 

[Guest]

I guess every guy has his own standards, I cannot answer this in general. What I meant is that they fear that the girl will look for someone who earns more and will become jealous of guys she works with. 

[Guest aok]

@Dhakra We got into an argument and he said we should take some time to think about it. He thinks he's in the right and that I'm in the wrong because I'm the one who's not understanding him. We left it at that and then he text a day after wanting to talk about it but I didn't answer him because I got really sick after our argument. Then he text again the next day and we talked about it. He seemed very persistent on wanting to know what I thought and when I told him everything that was upsetting me he didn't have much to say and still insist I'm at fault. But then he'll text me like everything is okay and like our argument never happened.

 

At this point I'm just laying low, not initiating contact or giving him attention and letting him have all the time he wants to himself since I know for sure he won't admit that he's at fault too. Or is what I'm doing an aggressive behavior?

[Guest]

@aokMhm, well you are important to him, that's why he chose to contact you rather quickly. The reason that he texts you two days back to back showcases that he really wants to solve this and doesn't like to be fighting. 

From my perspecitive it seems like he spent the time thinking if it is worth argueing, if you are upset and he thinks you are at fault, then nothing good will come out of it. Since he seems to like you, I guess he gave it a clean thought and decided that letting it go and stop argueing is better than fighting. You could either continue fighting, where both sides made their point, or you can just let it go and enjoy the time being together. 

This also indicates that it wasn't as important and doesn't bother him anymore. I guess he still thinks he's right, but from his pov you are more important than him being right.

 

I would not lay low, if he behaves like nothing happened and everything is okay, you should act like this aswell. Well, if you feel the same of course. I would just act like the times before the argument happened and forget about the argument. Like I said, of course we won't admit that we are at fault, even if we know that we are, we are proud fools. 

If he is ready to let it go, you must ask yourself if you are too. Men aren't complicated, there is no hidden message between the lines.

[sonicp777]

10 hours ago, Sejabin said:

Why a guy wants a girl to keep send messages to him even though he said ‘I might will reply late.’ 

He sounds too selfish right? 

 

For attention and ego. 

[Guest]

@SejabinYep, attention. Nice to know that you still think about him, even he has no time right now.

 

Why he wants attention? Because men like the feeling of being in a girls mind. If you interact with him, you focus on him and only him. That's why men try to excel each other when there are girls around. 

 

Meaning of ego? It's the little voice in our heads that tells us that we are the best, the prime of evolution and that we are hot as hell. Okay, maybe that a bit too much, ego makes us feel being desired.  

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, Sejabin said:

unfortunately, I have many focuses in my life such as my health. I need to live longer.

Uhm....that makes no sense....in this consensus. But yeah, I guess that's correct. 

 

13 minutes ago, Sejabin said:

surely that's a bit too much. 

I guess you misunderstand, I probably exaggerated a bit with my choice of words, but the core itself is true. A mens ego is exactly like this. Sure some have more, some have less, some have way too much and some don't have any.

But as it seems he has quite a lot, so his ego gets boosted when he knows you spent time writing him and invest time. 

[Guest]

Just giving this thread a little push! Seems like I'm out of work. Sigh.......the mysteries of men can't be already solved.

[Mochalatte8]

Guys opinion on this:

 

I live with my boyfriend. We're very different in almost every aspect. I'm the responsible, neurotic one. He's the former partier who's trying to become responsible.

 

During the week, he goes to work and comes home. But on Fridays, he will occasionally want to go out with his guy friends from work which I don't mind. But the problem is that everytime he does, he doesn't come home until 3 AM. They usually go out drinking at the bars. 

 

I told him I get annoyed because he usually doesn't text me when he's coming home. So we agreed that if he goes out with his buddies, he will have to plan a date night with me too. But the problem is that whenever we go out, he never wants to stay out late past midnight. We always do "boring" things like going out to eat and then coming home. His excuse is that I'm not a drinker or someone who likes to party. The thing is I haven't been exposed to the environment often but I do want to from time to time. So I feel that anytime something "fun" comes up, he gets to enjoy it with his buddies rather than with me. 

 

Your thoughts and suggestions? 

[Mochalatte8]

5 hours ago, Sejabin said:

Isn’t it all guys like that? When they still young? When they get older they will watch kdramas more and stay at home.. you should wait until they get 40s ^_* 

He is in his late 30s

[Guest]

 

Sorry, I didn't read it until yet. Since I'm the only active guy here. You should start to tag me, since @CamelKnightisn't around anymore. 

 

On 3/1/2019 at 3:54 PM, Sejabin said:

Guys.. would you want to married a very beautiful girl, with model posture, pretty eyes, slender body, working with good paid, a very lot of paid, but, she is a celebrity and once she had a video po*n scandal with another celebrity and everyone in your country watch it.

Would you take this girl as your.. wife?

Yes. Why not? We all made mistakes in the past and as long as it's a fragment of the past, there should be no problem. If she cheated on somebody though, that's different. 

If she's a good person, nothing should be 

 

 

12 hours ago, Mochalatte8 said:

Guys opinion on this:

 

I live with my boyfriend. We're very different in almost every aspect. I'm the responsible, neurotic one. He's the former partier who's trying to become responsible.

 

During the week, he goes to work and comes home. But on Fridays, he will occasionally want to go out with his guy friends from work which I don't mind. But the problem is that everytime he does, he doesn't come home until 3 AM. They usually go out drinking at the bars. 

 

I told him I get annoyed because he usually doesn't text me when he's coming home. So we agreed that if he goes out with his buddies, he will have to plan a date night with me too. But the problem is that whenever we go out, he never wants to stay out late past midnight. We always do "boring" things like going out to eat and then coming home. His excuse is that I'm not a drinker or someone who likes to party. The thing is I haven't been exposed to the environment often but I do want to from time to time. So I feel that anytime something "fun" comes up, he gets to enjoy it with his buddies rather than with me. 

 

Your thoughts and suggestions? 

 

Mhm......He goes out each week? Well I know these guy evenings and they can really get out of hand and it can get very late. 

But if you are both pretty different, than you both have to be able to see it from the others pov. Communication is the key. 

He has to make sure that you don't feel left out or that you are as important as his friends.  

 

I do like your approach, I think that's a great idea with the date nights. How do they happen? Does he plan them? Puts he time and effort into it? Did you tell him that you want to try out something more fun or that you want to spent time at these environments from time to time? Do you think he rather spents time with his friend than with you? 

 

Well, suggestion is that you have to tell him exactly like you think. He won't be able to see that for himself. Tell him that he has to actively do something, to improve the situation, because you feel hurt. A fully planned, full fleshed date night. 

 

6 hours ago, Sejabin said:

Isn’t it all guys like that? When they still young? When they get older they will watch kdramas more and stay at home.. you should wait until they get 40s ^_* 

Oh boy....

 

[mouse007]

@Mochalatte8 first, let me say that I think it's good that you let him have "guy time" from time-to-time. I also agree that you two need your own date nights apart from everyone else and it seems like you've found a nice balance between how much time he spends with the guys and how much time he spends with you. 

 

If I understand correctly, the issue here is that you want to also try the things he does with his guy friends or at least to do something else for date nights?

 

I am also not a drinker nor a partier and so husband prefers to keep me out of outings that are just purely drinking. But I do understand where you are coming from. The thing is, guys are usually very bad at picking up hints (I'm not saying all guys are bad) so it might be better to actually let him know how you feel and what you'd like to try. Maybe he always takes you to dinner for date nights because he thinks that's what you enjoy the most. Like @Dhakra asked, does he seem genuinely interested in date nights? 

 

it doesn't sound to me like you want to join guy nights (it's actually healthy if you let him have his space than asking him to bring you). Rather, you want to be exposed to a similar activity. If you have common friends, maybe try to see if you can arrange for guys and girls to all go out to dinner and drinks? Husband tells me it's not really fun to go drinking with someone who doesn't drink so if you go out with other people who also drink, then you can benefit from enjoying the atmosphere whilst not drinking yourself. And boyfriend can still drink as much as he wants with his buddies. It also doesn't have to be a big group. You can try it with another couple and go on a double date.

 

Another thing you can do is go to dinner at a nice place that turns into dancing later in the night. Like a lounge maybe? There are places where you can have a nice dinner and around 10pm there's drinks and dancing (like a club). That way it's easy to transition to a different atmosphere from dinner. 

 

You may want to plan things for the two of you from time-to-time until he gets the idea of what activities you want to try. It also relieves pressure from him to always have to come up with ideas.

 

I hope this helps! Good luck!

[Mochalatte8]

@mouse007 @Dhakra thanks for the reply. 

 

My boyfriend (in his late 30s) used to be a huge partier. He used to out every night, stay out late and roll into work hungover. But since he's been with me, he's made major changes so he goes out on Friday nights with his guy friends. Not so much because I made him change because you can't change people. But I think he made the conscious decision to want to change his lifestyle and then decided to be with me. But based on his past, I get nervous and panick when he does go out and stay out until 3 AM because I'm wondering is he talking to other girls, how is he reacting when girls flirt with him? I know I being insecure and controlling. But I don't know how to change my thinking when this situation occurs. Any tips?

 

We live together. I don't mind he gets his guys nights. I just get jealous that they seem to have more fun than when he hangs out with me. I think I get mad when he goes out on Friday night because he'll be too hung over to do anything on Saturday afternoon. And he's usually willing to drive to a nearby city to meet up with his friends. But when it's our Saturday date night, he doesn't want to drive there even though I want to go there because all the nice restaurants are there. Since I'm not really a drinker, we don't stay out until 3 AM so I get pissed that we only get to do "boring" things like going to dinner and coming home to watch Netflix. I just feel shafted. I think I get jealous easily. Again any tips? 

 

I think I get insecure because why would a former partier (and I guess "bad boy") want to be with someone "nerdy" and "boring" like me? 

Edited March 12, 2019 by Mochalatte8

[Guest]

@mochalatte He is in his late 30s and still wants to party every night? Well it's a good decision to change his lifestyle, because it's time grow up.

Well that heavily depends how he is when drunk, do you know how he is when he's drunk? Do you fully trust him? Do you think, in theory, that he would do something bad? That doesn't necessarily have to do something with being insecure and controlling. It's only human and natural to think like this, you care and love him.

Like I said, do tell him how you feel and what you think, he won't find out for himself. We guys don't work like that. You have to present it for us on a silver plate, so we understand.

I don't know how you change that thinking though, since I'm no girl, but hey....if @mouse007already decided to be here and help on this case, she can maybe help you with this aswell.

 

 

10 minutes ago, Mochalatte8 said:

We live together. I don't mind he gets his guys nights. I just get jealous that they seem to have more fun than when he hangs out with me. I think I get mad when he goes out on Friday night because he'll be too hung over to do anything on Saturday afternoon. And he's usually willing to drive to a nearby city to meet up with his friends. But when it's our Saturday date night, he doesn't want to drive there even though I want to go there because all the nice restaurants are there. Since I'm not really a drinker, we don't stay out until 3 AM so I get pissed that we only get to do "boring" things like going to dinner and coming home to watch Netflix. I just feel shafted. I think I get jealous easily. Again any tips?

 

Well, I will be totally honest with you....and that may not be the answer you want to hear but. He has more fun with his friends that with you when they hang out. But that's nothing bad, but guys among guys have a special vibe. We don't need to pay attention to anything, we can just be ourselves with our bad habits, bad jokes and don't need to take of someone. We are just totally free and we can do whatever we want. Among other guys we are just....on the loose. And sometimes we do need that. 

Of course it would be bad and totally unforgivable if he does something with other girls. 

 

if he is too hung over to do anything with you on Saturday, then that's an issue that you should address. You are also very important, actually you, as his girlfriend, are his antipole, he is also comfortable and free around you, but different. Treating you worse and not be able to spent a proper date night with you...is something that is not acceptable.

If he is true about his intentions to change something, than you should tell him, that this won't work. 

 

Also here, you are not jealous, you are right. You have a point and it's only natural to think that way. You want to get attention too, the same as his friends get. Men only learn from mistakes, not from words though, he needs to realize that his actions have consequences. He must realize that his actions upset you, otherwise he won't realize and change his mind of thinking. 

Forcing us is the only way we learn.

 

21 minutes ago, Mochalatte8 said:

I think I get insecure because why would a former partier (and I guess "bad boy") want to be with someone "nerdy" and "boring" like me? 

 

That's easy. Because you are different. Because you are yin to his yang. I am honestly the same in this regard. You provide what we don't have. You are his antipole. You provide something that he not has. He knows and has a lot of people that are like him, but we need someone who is the completely opposite. Who is in a totally different world than us. 

You are his calming pole, where he can rest and forget everything. You are the one pulls him back to earth and makes his life complete.