Ask The Fellas

[Guest yoon001]

@fineexceleration 
bru. just stop talking to her. to be honest, i think this situation saved you a lot of trouble in the long run. if a girl is getting into a "relationship" after 2 weeks, that's a red flag. how dafuq do you get to know someone in that period of time to start a relationship? lulz. you're better off amigo. and besides even if you went ahead and did tell her, she wouldn't care since she's probably entered honeymoon stage right now. 

[Mka14]

Ok well I met this guy about a month ago at a conference. Well actually I was too intimidated because he's very good looking (He looks like Chris Evans as Captain America; not even exaggerating) so I didn't talk to him the whole week, I just gave his friend a note that included my number and told him to give it to him, which was a few minutes before everyone left. So a day later he texts me, asks who I am, talk for awhile and then the convo just dies. After that I waited 2 weeks to text him again just so he didn't think I was clingy. This time he asked what my last name was and he added me on facebook. And well I haven't talked to him since. I just don't know if I should pursue this guy. I really like him, from what I saw that week he acted like a perfect gentleman (which is very hard to find nowadays) and I really want to get to know him. He lives in CA and I live in NM but I still want to go after him. I think it's already bad that he makes me feel somewhat self-conscious. Half of me feels like I could win him over and the other half feels like he could do better than me. I'm overthinking it. I feel juvenile asking help for this, I'm 18 and I sound like a lovesick middleschooler. But I just need some advice from a guy. Should I risk myself looking silly by trying to go after him or just forget about it?

[Guest HERMIT]

@Mka14:  I think rather than going with the approach of "going after him", I think you should scale it back and simply start by establishing a friendship with the guy.  This way, you don't set to high of a bar for yourself by way of expectations and at the same time, you kind of come to grips with the 'reality' that you are really dealing with.  In hindsight, I think you did yourself a disservice by letting your intimidation get the better of you at this conference and not pouncing on the opportunity to get to know him better in person while you had the chance.  As a result, you're probably really behind in fostering your 'ideal hook-up' with him as you seem to want to envision it.  Look at it from his perspective and realize how it appears:  you meet, but you don't really talk to him the entire week - and then out of the blue you slip him a note through a third party.  Essentially, he doesn't even know you.  I think you are kind of lucky that he bothered to get in touch with you at all after the fact.  Now that you've finally got the means to actually communicate with him (via Facebook), realize the distance between you two and the limited reliability this method of interaction brings.  As I said, your window of opportunity was back during the conference where interacting with him in person would immediately give you a better gauge of his personality and how he really is as a human being.  For all you know, what you could have found out in the little time then could have raised or answered some questions that could have turned you off about him ... and then you could move on with your life.

In the end, I'm not saying not to approach this guy via Facebook.  All I'm saying is to realistically temper your "lovesick middleschooler-like" expectations of what you think can happen.  Play it cool and casual.  Facebook/internet/long distance interactions tend to be impersonal so the "get-to-know-you" phase has a bit of bigger learning curve to deal with.  Remember, the guy essentially only knows you from one first-time meeting, a name and number on a note passed to him, and some trivial texting convo.  Mind you, not even a verbal communication.  To be frank, it's almost forgettable probably in his mind.  So when you do decide to contact him again, I think you'll need to approach it as if you are beginning from scratch.  Your only connection is the conference so start from there as a foundation and then go from there - talk to him how you would want to have talked to him in person if you weren't so intimidated.  But whatever you do, don't be foolhardy enough to let the lovesick middleschooler in you get too overexuberant in your pursuit and just immediately jump into a kind of "interactive pursuit" of this guy.  It may be the scenario that is playing and going on in your head - but realize, it's not exactly what's going on in his.

[Guest xoDee]

I recently developed a crush on one of my co-workers, and this is the first time I really liked someone. He has so many qualities that I like, and I think he is such a kind-hearted person in general. I know getting involved with a co-worker is something that is frowned upon, but I just need a little advice here. 
Let's call him B, 
I am still relatively new to this company and when I first started, B was always there to help me, lending me a hand when he could, making sure that I was doing okay. This is not anything special because he treats everyone this way, he is just a very sweet nice guy. He helps everyone to the best of his ability, and I think this is one of the reason I've developed feelings for him. 
B and I interact a few times a week, and it is anything from simple greetings to casual conversations. Sometimes I will tease him, sometimes he will tease me, and basically harmless remarks being tossed around here and there. He is such a gentlemen though, that I think its what really won me over....when I am waiting for rides after work, he waits with me, when I am in a difficult situation, he tries his best to help me out (even when he is on break or on lunch he will leave and come help me), and when I look sad or something, he asks me if I am okay and everything. I bug him so much I even told him he probably hates me now and his reply was "if i didn't like you, i wouldn't be helping you" and he pushed the side of my head.  Recently, we had a company dinner and my friend and I went into his car with him there. When we got there, I got seated next to him and he was super sweet and attentive. He grabbed me my food, although it was in arms reach for me, and he did this quite a few times, asking me if I wanted this or that and what I preferred. Does this make him sound interested at all? Lets see about that....
Here is the part that makes me sad....
My co-workers were throwing a birthday dinner for me and one of my other co-workers, and I invited B but he declined, at first his excuse was he was going hiking and then he said he wasn't any more, and just he couldn't make it. He told me this the day before my birthday, and after he told me, he placed his hand on top of my head kind of like a patting motion. On my birthday, which I didnt see him that day (we were both off) he texted me happy birthday. 
Another thing is, when I txt him, my texts are always the last ones. It is a huge flag right, if they don't text you back? All my girlfriends said so, that if a guy doesn't text you, it means he is just not that into you. I see B on his phone quite alot, so I dont think he hates texting.  If a guy was even slightly interested in a girl,, he would text her back no? All of my texts are work-related, but if he did like me, he would still somehow try to keep the convo going or, perhaps maybe even steer it into something more personal?
Another thing about B is, he is quite shy, sometimes I think he has trouble making eye contact. 
He is so nice, that I sometimes think maybe something could happen, but when he doesn't text back or come to dinners i invite, it makes me think otherwise. What is going on in his head? Could it be that he thinks i have a boyfriend? One time he did see a guy pick me up...I don't know! Is there any chance for us? I know it is hard to say because maybe he himself does not feel getting involved with a co-worker is a good thing....WHAT TO DO GUYS? 

[Guest Kyosukemox]

xoDee said: I recently developed a crush on one of my co-workers, and this is the first time I really liked someone. He has so many qualities that I like, and I think he is such a kind-hearted person in general. I know getting involved with a co-worker is something that is frowned upon, but I just need a little advice here. 
Let's call him B, 
I am still relatively new to this company and when I first started, B was always there to help me, lending me a hand when he could, making sure that I was doing okay. This is not anything special because he treats everyone this way, he is just a very sweet nice guy. He helps everyone to the best of his ability, and I think this is one of the reason I've developed feelings for him. 
B and I interact a few times a week, and it is anything from simple greetings to casual conversations. Sometimes I will tease him, sometimes he will tease me, and basically harmless remarks being tossed around here and there. He is such a gentlemen though, that I think its what really won me over....when I am waiting for rides after work, he waits with me, when I am in a difficult situation, he tries his best to help me out (even when he is on break or on lunch he will leave and come help me), and when I look sad or something, he asks me if I am okay and everything. I bug him so much I even told him he probably hates me now and his reply was "if i didn't like you, i wouldn't be helping you" and he pushed the side of my head.  Recently, we had a company dinner and my friend and I went into his car with him there. When we got there, I got seated next to him and he was super sweet and attentive. He grabbed me my food, although it was in arms reach for me, and he did this quite a few times, asking me if I wanted this or that and what I preferred. Does this make him sound interested at all? Lets see about that....
Here is the part that makes me sad....
My co-workers were throwing a birthday dinner for me and one of my other co-workers, and I invited B but he declined, at first his excuse was he was going hiking and then he said he wasn't any more, and just he couldn't make it. He told me this the day before my birthday, and after he told me, he placed his hand on top of my head kind of like a patting motion. On my birthday, which I didnt see him that day (we were both off) he texted me happy birthday. 
Another thing is, when I txt him, my texts are always the last ones. It is a huge flag right, if they don't text you back? All my girlfriends said so, that if a guy doesn't text you, it means he is just not that into you. I see B on his phone quite alot, so I dont think he hates texting.  If a guy was even slightly interested in a girl,, he would text her back no? All of my texts are work-related, but if he did like me, he would still somehow try to keep the convo going or, perhaps maybe even steer it into something more personal?
Another thing about B is, he is quite shy, sometimes I think he has trouble making eye contact. 
He is so nice, that I sometimes think maybe something could happen, but when he doesn't text back or come to dinners i invite, it makes me think otherwise. What is going on in his head? Could it be that he thinks i have a boyfriend? One time he did see a guy pick me up...I don't know! Is there any chance for us? I know it is hard to say because maybe he himself does not feel getting involved with a co-worker is a good thing....WHAT TO DO GUYS? 

[Guest aztecgold]

So I met this guy through a mutual friend and we instantly hit it off. We hung out in the group for a few hours then that night we exchanged numbers. We texted everyday for 3 months and then he came to my city (we live about an hour away from each other but we never met up in those 3 months) and stayed the night. We kinda hooked up that night and he asked me to be his gf and I said yes. A few weeks later I moved back home because of family problems and that's when we started having communication problems and after about a month we agreed to go back to being friends. Things were really awkward though and we didn't speak as often as we used to. We lost contact for about a month(?) and then out of the blue he called to tell me he'd got a job near to my hometown and asked me to meet up. I agreed and went over to his place and things were kinda nice at first but then one thing lead to another and we started making out. I stopped it because I thought we were friends and I even asked him what this meant, to which he replied he didn't know but he just couldn't stop. So we went to hang out with his friends instead and he was very touchy and quite possessive of me around them (which is unlike him) When I left we started talking like normal, we texted each other everyday and he was really sweet. I was still confused about our relationship cus i didn't know where we stood but I didn't speak to him about that and I know I should have but I dunno I guess I was scared. Then he got busy with work and he stopped texting and calling me again so by this point I was kinda fed up with this cycle so I gave up and stopped all contact with him. This was about two months ago? So fast forward to a few days ago and out of the blue he texted me being all normal and acting like nothing had happened. Why is he doing this? It took me ages to get over him when we stopped talking the first two times because I actually really liked him and I don't wanna go through that again. What should I do? 

[Guest idontknowwhattodo]

There is a guy that I think likes me but I don't like him but his friends are my only friends because I'm new to the school. So what do I do since they knew him first and are closer to him? Just stop talking to all of them and be a loner? Everyone already made their friends.. but I don't want to lead him on and it is still awkward if I chill with the other friends without him. It's not just a a small hunch that he likes me, I am getting extremely strong vibes that he does. If it was just a small hunch I would ignore it.

[Guest jammer25]

@Kyouria

Sounds like his addiction gets the better of him.  Do you communicate well in person? 

@aztecgold

It seems like you let those things happen though.  You were kind of a booty call for him in my opinion, just not in an exaggerated sense.  Basically, you either go all-in if you want to pursue a relationship, or just draw the line.  Not for his sake, but for yours - why should he be able to drag your emotions along on a whim?  Decide for yourself.

@idontknowwhattodo

If you don't like him, you don't like him - it's that simple.  Just tell him calmly and respectfully.  And if his/your friends stop hanging out with you because you reject him or he holds a grudge against you, then are those really friends you want to have?

[Guest shakki]

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[Guest Kyosukemox]

Kyouria said: What is your take if your BF lies about what he is doing a lot? He would tell me he's reading on a couch or even lying in bed texting with me when he would actually be playing an online MMORPG. He wouldn't reapond to texts he would say he fell asleep. I feel completely lied to. Because this isn't one night, its been several nights or maybe even ever since we started dating. I play that game too so why would he lie to me? I just don't like to and my parents don't like me being on the comp past 1 AM so I get off. He says he gets off at that time too but yeah.

I know these lies are trivial but its still bothering me. Am I wrong to be upset?

[Guest Kyosukemox]

@aztecgold: The guy is just doing his own thing and thinking about himself and you should do the same. If you like him, then tell him and also be sure to advise him that moments like the last time aren't going to happen if you are just friends (cuz that's just wrong for friends to do, unless you guys want to keep it that way). My rule of thumb is to always think about yourself first, that way you can think about others with a clear mind and hence better judgment. It will also keep you productive in making you more mature, responsible, strong and smart instead of wasting your time idling and pondering about what he is thinking (you will never know unless you ask him directly and hope that he answers you sincerely). I'm sure you have a good head on your shoulders, honestly if he won't give you a direct answer of some sort then move on and make yourself a better person.. You'll find better than a guy who treats you as a fling whenever he feels like it.

@idontknowwhattodo: Ignore it. When he confronts you tell him how you honestly feel and if there are hard feelings on his part that's his problem. You owe this person nothing but the true and he shouldn't be guilting you for your choice. Ultimately, you want to be happy and find someone you do like whether this dude can be that person is something we don't know, but as it stands you do not have any interest in him. If the rest of the group shuns you for having rejected him, then frankly they aren't even worth being called friends. In that case, I'd rather be alone or spend my time finding a new group of buddies. Anyways good luck all the best!!

@shakki: That could mean a lot.. but if it is one of his first text to you or he hasn't texted you very often in the past. It could mean he's interested and wants an excuse to talk to you (cuz he's obviously interested). Otherwise, he's either leading you on or he's quite the joker... lol
Honestly, don't think too deeply about that one text, if it continues to progress and you receive more and more of these kinds of signs/cues/messages then at that point it you'll have a better idea.

For all three of you, I think from now on don't underestimate your women's intuition (it's a scary but yet very reliable tool). Many of your concerns are never really complicated, they will only be as complicated as you make them to be and you will also realize that all of them are very simple. A few years down the line you'll look back and laugh at how naive you were when you were young and how much time you wasted pondering about needless things (this is actually fun to share those little experiences). But, if they are having a negative effect on your daily lives those kinds of experiences aren't worth it! Always know that there are plenty of good people out there and that you are a great person! We all find our calling some day! Anyways, good luck to you all

[Guest yunath]

Do you guys think an absentminded/clumsy girl is a huge turnoff or unattractive? Say it's an attractive girl, but she does stuff once in a while like sometimes trips on air, hits her head on a sign she didn't see, walks into a clear glass window because she didn't notice it was glass, accidentally wears your shoes to school without realizing it, spaces off a lot, sometimes forgets where she is or what she was doing/supposed to do, you hand her your hamburger to hold and she eats it without realizing it, drop and knock into things...sigh. It happens once in a while but not all the time ): . Would that be a dealbreaker....?

[Guest Kyosukemox]

yunath said: Do you guys think an absentminded/clumsy girl is a huge turnoff or unattractive? Say it's an attractive girl, but she does stuff once in a while like sometimes trips on air, hits her head on a sign she didn't see, walks into a clear glass window because she didn't notice it was glass, accidentally wears your shoes to school without realizing it, spaces off a lot, sometimes forgets where she is or what she was doing/supposed to do, you hand her your hamburger to hold and she eats it without realizing it, drop and knock into things...sigh. It happens once in a while but not all the time ): . Would that be a dealbreaker....?

[Guest iilysium]

Kyosukemox said: yunath said: Do you guys think an absentminded/clumsy girl is a huge turnoff or unattractive? Say it's an attractive girl, but she does stuff once in a while like sometimes trips on air, hits her head on a sign she didn't see, walks into a clear glass window because she didn't notice it was glass, accidentally wears your shoes to school without realizing it, spaces off a lot, sometimes forgets where she is or what she was doing/supposed to do, you hand her your hamburger to hold and she eats it without realizing it, drop and knock into things...sigh. It happens once in a while but not all the time ): . Would that be a dealbreaker....?

[Guest iwantwonbin]

if a guy has on several occasions mentioned to girl, that they've told others about the awesome things she does  and also says that those who they've told also think that she's awesome and also introduces you as an awesome girl who does this/that. Does that mean anything more than literally what you do is awesome? haha. thanks.

[Guest iilysium]

Doublepost

[Guest xphant0mwing]

yunath said: Do you guys think an absentminded/clumsy girl is a huge turnoff or unattractive? Say it's an attractive girl, but she does stuff once in a while like sometimes trips on air, hits her head on a sign she didn't see, walks into a clear glass window because she didn't notice it was glass, accidentally wears your shoes to school without realizing it, spaces off a lot, sometimes forgets where she is or what she was doing/supposed to do, you hand her your hamburger to hold and she eats it without realizing it, drop and knock into things...sigh. It happens once in a while but not all the time ): . Would that be a dealbreaker....?

[Guest xphant0mwing]

iwantwonbin said: if a guy has on several occasions mentioned to girl, that they've told others about the awesome things she does  and also says that those who they've told also think that she's awesome and also introduces you as an awesome girl who does this/that. Does that mean anything more than literally what you do is awesome? haha. thanks.

[Guest iwantwonbin]

xphant0mwing said: iwantwonbin said: if a guy has on several occasions mentioned to girl, that they've told others about the awesome things she does  and also says that those who they've told also think that she's awesome and also introduces you as an awesome girl who does this/that. Does that mean anything more than literally what you do is awesome? haha. thanks.

[Guest chloe_addict]

Question: Can a guy develop feelings for a girl even though he currently has a girlfriend? And if so, nothing can be done, correct? 
My situation: Since I've started grad school, I've become good friends with one of my classmates who happen to live right down the road from me. Every evening when he will walk his dog, he'll text me and we'll walk his dog together. During our walks, we'll have some meaningful conversation about school, family, and life in general. Yesterday, several people on our street joined our walk so we didn't get a chance to talk much. So today, he suggested that we walk a different route so that we could avoid them and just talk like we usually do. We mentioned to each other how we look forward to this walk everyday after our (stressful) classes. And he told me that he feels he can tell me things that he normally wouldn't tell other people. Whenever I'm around him, it's not just a silly crush I have for him. I feel a sense of peace and I feel my face light up whenever I see him. But I also feel a sense of sadness when I'm with him because I know that we can never date because he has a girlfriend back home. They've been dating for the past 1.5 years. He mentioned to me (telling me that he hasn't told anyone this before...) that he's worried that they won't make it because when (or if) she moves down here with him, she might not understand that he has to spend a lot of time studying. 
Sometimes I wish he wouldn't treat me so "nicely" because it makes it harder for me to break away my feelings (of more than a friend) for him. He'll always compliment me with"You look nice today!" and I'll (playfully) tell him that we're close enough friends that he doesn't need to always compliment me. 
So is his behavior normal guy behavior? Or is he somewhat interested in me? (Not that I would do anything about it since he has a girlfriend...) Should I distance myself from him so that I don't develop any more feelings for him? Argh, it's so frustrating how everytime I like a guy, he's always in a relationship, and I never know how to act in that situation...Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance!