Ask The Fellas

[Guest SlicedBread]

I'm trying to figure out a way to approach this subject with my bf but I don't know how.I want to ask if he can decline/decreased one-on-one settings with his close friend[girl]and just go when  it is group settings. Lately she has been inviting him in "one on one"settings alot and its making me uncomfortable. If its once in a while to catch up. I'm fine but now its like every other week. Mostly in one on one settings.

[Guest lightangel]

So...I went on my first date with this guy. He asked me for a kiss and I agree. Isn't this too fast? What would you think of the girl? Do you think she's easy? After the kiss...he said he like me. Then I asked him.."what are we now?" He said "We'll see after this date" The date went great...and before he drop me off he said to call him back. 

[Guest HERMIT]

@lightangel:  The way I would look at it is this:  if you are uncomfortable or you think the situation is not something within your control or how you want it to be, then it's probably "too fast".  I think couples move at their own instinctive and natural pace - so I don't necessarily think you have to rely on set rules or preconceived notions of when this or that should happen.  But the bottom line is, and I know it sounds cliche, just have honest and open communication with him and don't rely on reading minds or between the lines.  If you can ask us these questions then you should also feel comfortable asking this guy about his idea of pace in a potential relationship.  If he can't talk to you about it, then that's just one preliminary sign for you to go by as to what kind of a person he is and his approach.

[Guest lightangel]

Thanks Hermit!

[Guest pulitzer]

Let's see.......how about this one: if you were in a relationship situation in which you loved this girl so much and found out later that she had been saying 'i love you' back only because she didn't want to ruin what they had in the relationship then, what would be your response? 

[candymoon]

What exactly does it mean when a guy occasionally touch you in the arm, shoulder, neck or waist. It a quick and fast touch. I am asking because I am just seeing this guy and he does that. Is there a message that a guy is trying to send ? Thanks!

[Guest SlicedBread]

What exactly does it mean when a guy occasionally touch you in the arm, shoulder, neck or waist. It a quick and fast touch. I am asking because I am just seeing this guy and he does that. Is there a message that a guy is trying to send ? Thanks!

[ButterBean]

I guess I might as well ask some fellas about this.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. He's turning 30 this year and I'm in my mid-20s. For the most part, our relationship is fairly stable and he has relayed numerous times that he wants to spend the rest of his days with me. I believe him and I feel the same. However, in the recent months he has developed this desire to go traveling and "meet girls." He feels that he only has one life to live and it would be a shame not to experience everything that life has to offer. I support his travels, but obviously not the girls. He was very vague in what "meeting girls" meant, probably because I don't think he really knows what he wants...whether it's being intimate, networking, flirting, etc. Once this traveling-and-meeting-girls thing is out of his system, he wants to come back to me. And he can't tell me how long it'll take. 6 months? 1 year? He just doesn't know. Also, I'm lost at how "meeting girls" in between a fruitful relationship can fulfill anything substantial in life.

So far, we spoken about it a couple times and I feel like we're running around in circles. Now, we know the following: I'm not up for open relationships; he cannot expect me to wait for him while he's gallivanting; this desire will continue to plague him; and he will not act on his desires without my consent. Our relationship is still a happy one, but I feel that this issue is a thorn that has to be dealt with. I understand that it's not fair for either parties and it's early enough to seek advice. So I want to know if all guys have these desires while in a terminal relationship and ideas on how to approach this issue? Thanks

[Guest HERMIT]

@ButterBean:  My short take on your situation is that your boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too.  I agree with you, I can understand your feeling lost at how meeting girls while he's in a relationship with you is going to amount to anything fruitful.  So here's how I'm gauging the situation from his perspective:  he loves you and says he want to spend the rest of his days with you.  But this wanting to meet other girls to me is a not-so-disguised cry of "well, now I'm really not so sure about the rest-of-my-days-with-you statement".  Speaking from a guy's perspective, his little proposal smacks of you letting him basically sow his wild oats while essentially keeping you as his "back up plan".  It's great for him but not great for you.  For him it's win-win: maybe he finds a new girl to change his mind (and this can be done whether he is being intimate, networking, flirting, whatever); or, if he doesn't find anyone new - well, he's got you to fall back on.  As for you, it's only a 50-50 chance really that you get him back.  But knowing now what you know about what he's surreptitiously suggesting, would you still be happy as basically being the "fall-back" girl?

Now that I think about it, I think my approach with your situation would be the same as for couples that face the take a break / break up dilemma.
Which is to say, propose a break up.  That's right, draw the proverbial line in the sand to definitively draw out intentions.  But of course, I know that this will require courage and commitment to carry out this tactic to get true results.  Anyway, as it stands now, you are just going in circles - right?  Well, seriously consider this approach.  If you propose a straight up parting of ways, you essentially change the dynamic of the thought processes - especially on his end.  By breaking it off with him, you are essentially giving him free reign to do what he wants to do - travel, meet chicks, whatever - but now you are taking away his security blanket: you.  Since you've said that you aren't up for open relationships, this tactic makes sense for you.  Why expose yourself to waiting around, subject to his whim?  Instead, take yourself out of the equation and now let's see what he really thinks:  If he decides "nah, I don't want to lose you - I guess I'm over this traveling and meeting others itch", then you'll have more clarity as to what kind of a guy you have.  But if he actually jumps at the chance and decides to pursue this endeavor, then that unfortunately provides just as much clarity for you, albeit in a negative light.  Yet, since you dramatically realize this right away, at least you had broken up with him and you can use it as your immediate closure to move on.

Look, I know this isn't the prettiest or simplest method to consider or even want to do.  But what I'm fearing is that you might actually succumb to allowing him to go off on this sudden desire when ultimately it doesn't benefit you in any real sense of the word.  You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.  But for him, as I've already alluded to - it's all win-win.  So if you are brave, suggest a break-up (again - not a "break") - and I'm sure you'll learn a lot more from how he reacts to the thought of that scenario.

[Guest _lala_yoyo]

 

A friend of mine is now my boyfriend but the dilemma is we didn't know much about each other before jumping into a relationship. A few of our friends in the circle told me to be careful. They said he likes to play mind game and confused people & I agreed to what they're telling me bc it's true.

Before we got together I knew that he likes to break hearts, ...He told me that he's not the type of guy to committed to a relationship

however when we got together he told me that he has changed & Im different, those girls he didn't like none of them and that he will never break my heart but I don't believe him.  I felt like he can't be trusted.

he also told me of his games, tricks to have girls fall, girl's expectation from their bf and likewise & much more

but all of those are going in one ear and going out another because I feel that he's just trying to get my trust then dump me like those girls.

he told me to have trust in him and I told him to earn it, prove to me that you can be trusted but he said what do I have to prove? how should I prove it.

(what should I say)

am I being paranoid about this?

Also a best friend of mine is his friends too. She have a boyfriend who is also our friends but barely hang out much.

she & my boyfriend are very closed. When the three of us together I feel exclusive.

sometimes I caught him smiling at things she does and it bothers me.

Only a few close friends knew that we're in a relationship

however when we all hang out as a group he alway go talking to her, sit next to her and etc

some of our friends thought that she is his girlfriend and not me which made me a bit sad about it.

I brought the issue up to him. he teased me and promise to pay more attention to me but it doesn't get any better

at times he shows his feelings and other he doesn't seems to care. ..

am I being clingy now?

[Guest HERMIT]

@_lala_yoyo:  No, I don't think you're being clingy.  I think your reactions are instinctively natural and understandable, given the circumstances.  To me, being clingy is being overly possessive of the other person's time and attention for no real practical reason.  But in your case, you do have a reason as you have to be wary of his past history - and you are just being prudent.  I don't think you are acting in such a way as to want to monopolize his time and attention - you just want him to show you some common courtesy in deference to the relationship you are in and not exhibit the behaviors he's been known to do in the past.

[Guest Dara-chan]

Well, here's the scoop.

There is a guy at my job whom I have a crush on. We're just getting to know each other right now, so I'm not expecting him to ask me out any time soon. I came here to ask for suggestions.

What should I do to show that I'm interested without putting my heart out there?

I know this question is asked a lot, but what are key indicators that he might be interested in dating me too?

[Guest ilmilione]

I have a question for the guys on here. This happened a while ago, but it still sticks with me sometimes because it confuses me, and I normally forget things.

There was this guy in my class once that I thought was really ridiculously attractive at the time. He and I came from similar backgrounds (which in my program was on the rarer side), and I had never thought I'd be interested in that, but I was. Not to be cocky (but I'll admit I kind of am), but with guys, I don't really ever think "I have no shot". I thought he was cute, and I'm used to guys opening up easily to me. So one day I asked him to be part of our study group for the final, because I guess that's just how you do it in school. I was nice, not too forthcoming. I tried to make it look casual because we sat in the same row and barely anyone else did... anyway, I asked a guy in front of me too and the girl next to me were trying to ask a few other people, so it's not like I pinpointed him and no one else. He agreed, gave me his contact info, then when we all talked through email about setting up, he just never responded.

It's weird because I never got the impression that he was like "uh, ok, no". I wondered if it was me - maybe he just wasn't interested in talking to us, the study group, or me. Maybe he was a loner? He was always alone, never talked to anyone in class, so I always wondered.

Now he's friends with some of my friends through being in class together. He's friends with one guy that asked me out a few months ago, who's admitted to talking about me to other people. On top of that, he's friends with ANOTHER guy that just asked me out. It's weird, we now have a few connections, and as much as I want to forget about it and think he's just a jerk, I kind of keep thinking about it? How ironic that the one guy I find interesting not feel the same.

[Guest _lala_yoyo]

@HERMIT: he said he wants to have a heart and asked me to help him change to a better person. We only dated for over 1.5 weeks Im not sure if he can be trust as a boyfriend though. What ways can I do to ask him pay more attention to me? ... I still feel like we're in the friend zone instead of dating .

how can I get him to change?

to treat me as a girlfriend instead?

[Guest HERMIT]

@lala_yoyo:   I can't answer for you what ways you can get him to pay more attention to you.  I would think that something like that would fall under "common sense", but apparently it's not.  But at its most basic, at the very least is that he doesn't spend so much attention to that other girl.  Yet, you've only been dating for 1.5 weeks?  That's still so early in this 'relationship'.  If this is going to be a go, you have to develop your communication skills.  Tell him what you are thinking, feeling, and what you want out of him.  Ultimately, change comes from within and this guy will only change if he wants to change.  It's up to you to be patient and see him gradually transform into what you hope he can become.  You can't expect instant change where it happens overnight.  All you can do is monitor and make your assessments.  If you think he's progressing or regressing, then you make your decisions accordingly.

[SunniRise]

Hi! I'm back with questions but this time it's about a friend. So I met this guy while I was working at McDonalds. We exchanged Facebooks after having a quick chat. He had taken some friend along with him that night. So the next day he proceeds to adding me. It's been two or three weeks since we met and we've only Hong out twice. He's really am amazing person but he doesn't see it. He doesn't value himself and I feel he can be a little reckless. I know I can't change anyone, but I want to know how I can help him stop doing those reckless things. Idk how long ago he got put of a relationship but he's really hurt and I want to help him feel better. I'm not aiming for a relationship with him, although I must admit I do like him enough for a boyfriend. Hahaha but for now I just want to help him but how?

[Guest eunicexkim]

[Guest yunath]

I wanted to know if I'm overreacting or anything. Recently found out my bf was flirting with several women (who are all in relationships according to him) behind my back via texts. They're very sexually suggestive talking about topics like masturbation (well, each other masturbating) and sex and checking each other out. A lot of people don't consider flirting to be cheating and he says that's how he expresses himself and he's not technically cheating on me since he hasn't slept with them. He does stuff like get drinks with them and goes hot tubbing with them and dancing once in a while, and I haven't known any of this. He says it's unfair that I get upset about it because I hang out with my guy friends too. Am I overreacting or is he crossing the line?

[Guest jenn111]

Guys, please help me with this.

I boyfriend asked to break up with me because he's leaving to another place soon, he said he wanted to forget about everything and he didn't contact me anymore afterward. I felt so heartbroken and one day, I couldn't take it anymore, so I contacted him, we talked for a while and he asked if I would still keep in touch with him when he's gone.

What's his intention of asking to keep in touch while at the first place he wanted to forget about me?

[mintcracker]

I wanted to know if I'm overreacting or anything. Recently found out my bf was flirting with several women (who are all in relationships according to him) behind my back via texts. They're very sexually suggestive talking about topics like masturbation (well, each other masturbating) and sex and checking each other out. A lot of people don't consider flirting to be cheating and he says that's how he expresses himself and he's not technically cheating on me since he hasn't slept with them. He does stuff like get drinks with them and goes hot tubbing with them and dancing once in a while, and I haven't known any of this. He says it's unfair that I get upset about it because I hang out with my guy friends too. Am I overreacting or is he crossing the line?