Ask The Fellas

[Guest letters12332]

Lol looks like instead of a boyfriend, you have a  little brother xD
I'm stunned actually, seems like he's not ready for a relationship.
I guess you should confront him, don't think this will get you much improvement though.

[Guest HERMIT]

@ketchup:  Well, all you can really do is tell him how you feel and it sounds like you've already done that and gotten some kind of a pitiful answer ("You wouldn't like what I'd get you so I don't get you anything.").  In the end, just like in the real financial world, you can't 'force' and investment to pay off; instead, you have to sit and be patient and see if the 'stock' will eventually rise and then your investment will be worth something.  So I guess the questions you have to ask yourself is if your boyfriend will eventually come around or 'improve' - and then if so, do you have the patience to wait around to see it all pay dividends for you?  If you feel that you're just going bust with this investment, then you'll seriously have to consider if it's worth keeping it around.
From a relationship standpoint, I think the point is moot if you have to think of ways to make him invest in you and appreciate you.  What's the point of that really?  The relationship would be more fulfilling if he came around, realized this on his own, and wanted to do these things for you.  The question is, do you honestly think that he has the propensity to even do so?  At some point you just have to draw the line and say to yourself that there is a minimal amount of reciprocal respect that you expect out of a significant other and perhaps give a reasonable timetable to see if he can turn it around.  If he doesn't pass muster, then you should have the emotional fortitude to cut your losses while you're ahead - or forever be an underappreciated pushover.

[Guest akp124]

Um...yeah... I think I friend zoned this guy who I don't think even likes me. haha He's now my shrink. And every time we talk, he tells me things about himself that probably not even his ex knew about him. And I think I'm falling for him. He's about 4 years younger than me and I know that's too young. He's only 18 but he seems like he's 25 sometimes with the way he acts. Like, older than his age. 
Maybe he sees me as his shrink too? 

[Guest HERMIT]

@msuarez1:  Haha, yeah - I'd be wary of the situation.  He probably does see you as his 'shrink' - or just simply an older person that he might somewhat look up to because of your age.  Maybe you might like him but you have to be careful that the feeling is indeed mutual.  If you don't think he even likes you, go with that instinct for now until proven otherwise.

[Guest jbird]

@ketchup: hopefully it's alright to comment on this even though I'm a girl. I think quite a few friends of mine and I have had this issue, and it's a lot more common than people think. It's also a much more easily resolved issue than people think. At the end of the day, it really comes down to having a nice, long talk with your boyfriend. Don't just mention this to him in a passing comment. Sit him down, and let him know how much it's bothering you or how much you care about it. Don't feel guilty for being "material" or "superficial". If being considerate is an important trait to have in a boyfriend for you, then you have to let him know your thoughts on the issue.

If you have a good relationship with your boyfriend, he will more likely than not start to pay more attention to the things you do for him and the presents you give him. Meanwhile, he'll probably start thinking of ways to make you happy. Communication is key. I'm going to assume the better of him and presume he really cares about you. If so - you have to let him know what will make you happy! Don't make him try to read your mind. Don't expect him to think or act in a certain way just because the facts are all there. Sometimes you have to point it out to him and make him see it.

What you should not do in this case is to be inconsiderate back. I know this because my ex-relationship headed this way for a bit before we cleared things up. My avoidance of the issue (since it is a rather difficult and sensitive issue to bring up) caused me to behave in a similar fashion back to him, and it started to make the relationship less about giving and more about taking.

Let your boyfriend know what's been bugging you. Hopefully it won't mean asking him to change who he is, but will simply point out something he failed to see.

[Guest ddongsanpajihehe]

I have a somewhat "shallow" question. I've been dating the same guy for about two years now and I've done a lot for him with little in return. I let him stay over at my apartment with the exception that he'd have to help me clean and buy groceries so he wouldn't have to commute to our university and waste gas. Generally, he'd do a half-assed job at cleaning and I'd end up constantly arguing with him about picking up after himself. Now that it's summer, he's attending a community college near my house (which is 45 minutes away from his house). His mom actually works in the same city as me (about 10 minutes from my house), so he hitches a ride to his mom's workplace and I pick him up from there. I drop him off at school, I pick him up from school, and I take him back to his mom's work at night. Honestly, I don't even think it's something I even need to do for him, but since I'm free all day, I do it because I care. I wouldn't take money for gas (not that he even offers). In addition, I like to be thoughtful and surprise him with little cheap finds such as clothes on sale or a good deal with shoes. I never buy myself anything, just him.

Now, considering all of the above, I don't really get anything in return. He gets a hefty paycheck every week and takes himself shopping. He'll buy himself shirts, shorts, you name it. Me? Not a single thing. Oftentimes he'll come brag to me about all the things he got that day while I'm just thinking... What about me? Sometimes when we go shopping (aka he drags me along to look for clothes for himself), I'll hint that something as simple as an $8 shirt is really nice. He usually just says "Cool. Oh hey what do you think about this shirt on me?!" The other day he asked me to go to the movies with him and his two sisters and to bring my little brother. I told him I just got done paying bills so I'm gonna sit out on this one. Of course he starts whining about how I never want to do anything with his sisters so he ends up ambushing my house and picking up my brother and I. In any case, I ended up paying for my food and my brother's food and two expensive ass movie tickets. Then called it a date. Wow.

So finally when he took me to the mall to spend "quality time" with his sisters, he ended up blowing his paycheck on 6 shirts and 3 shorts + 3 movie tickets for his sisters. Finally I just said "Hey, why is it that I'm always trying to get you little things here and there even though I actually have to pay my own bills, and you have everything paid for, and yet you can't possibly get me one thing?" And he goes, "You wouldn't like what I'd get you so I don't get you anything." Then he just continues on shopping.

For my last birthday, I got a bra (wtf.. even though I'd been hinting that a pair of sandals I found on sale were really nice). For our anniversary a month later (still hinting for the sandals), I got a build-a-bear (no fancy shirts on it or anything, just a big bear). For Christmas, I got an eyeshadow palette consisting of mainly blue eyeshadows.

When I made it into nursing school, he drew me a picture.

Honestly, I'm not a materialistic person. I don't go shopping because I'm always trying to pay for my phone bill, insurance, car payment, and gas. I'm never able to get myself anything. Sometimes it'd be nice to get surprised with something...ANYTHING. His surprises consist of lotion he steals from his workplace, random bracelets he makes out of strings lying around, and "cool" rocks he finds. No matter how many times I've tried to bring this up to him, he always says it's because I'm too shallow. No I'm not! I've done so much, I deserve SOMETHING in return!

Sorry for the super long rant but I feel selfishly angry and offended. What do I do? How do I get him to invest in me the least bit? Or at least appreciate the things I do for him? I'm going crazy!

[Guest cluel3ss]

@cluel3ss:  Well you said he told you he was "leaving the next day" - which means he told you just only the day before.  Isn't that sufficient enough?  I mean, on the actual day of a trip, it does entail a bit of work and maintaining a timetable - a timetable that you don't even know.  If fact, it may have been a timetable that he suddenly found hard-pressed to keep and so he was continuously rushed through the process.  So that may have explained his inability to contact you.  He just had a lot going on that was probably of pressing importance.  As far as his date of departure is concerned, you can't seriously be unforgiving that he couldn't get to talk to you.  As for the the time to update the social network, he may have done that ahead of time before he rushed off - and when he had internet access, let's say.  In any event, you say that you are not his girlfriend, but what you seem to be asking for is to reply back to you as if you were one.  Again, he had just told you he was leaving the day before.  Shouldn't that be enough

just as a friend

?

As for the week that he hasn't contacted you, maybe where he is at does not have internet access.  Another thing to consider is that cell phone frequencies in Asia are different than they are in the US.  When traveling outside of the US, you need a phone that operates under a GSM system that is not compatible with US-based phones.  In short, his cell phone is probably dead in the water at whatever Asian country he is currently in.  Now, even if he did have some sort of coverage, the long distance cost of usage would probably be exorbitant and he may simply avoiding using his phone altogether just to avoid those costs.  I mean, there could be a plethora of reasons for his inability to not contact you.  Maybe he's hospitalized and the facility doesn't allow cell phone usage in the rooms.  He simply just hasn't found an internet cafe.  Or, maybe he doesn't even have the time to stop and be on a computer as he's simply enjoying other things while he's addressing his medical issues.  What has he posted

so far

on his social network since he left?  Maybe that will be a clue as to his accessibility to the internet.  If he hasn't said much on that site, then maybe you shouldn't take it so personally as well.  But in any event, why would he feel obligated in contacting you when you aren't really BF-GF?  That just simply could be be the explanation right there.  It may not just be you.  He's probably not kept in touch with other friends as well. 

What have you done, for your part, in trying to bridge the gap?  I'm presuming you've already tried calling him / texting him / emailing him / posting on his page on his social network site?

[Guest dazzIe]

what are some signs that a guy is falling for you?

[babybeck]

If you found out a girl played you..(basically flirting with you excessively, and then all of a sudden goes " i don't want to lead you on or anything, but I'm unsure about my feelings right now" even though she was obviously showing a lot of interest previously) is it game over or will you continue to pursue her in order to verify yourself (pride)? Let's assume that she continues to show interest afterwards.

[Guest HERMIT]

If you found out a girl played you..(basically flirting with you excessively, and then all of a sudden goes " i don't want to lead you on or anything, but I'm unsure about my feelings right now" even though she was obviously showing a lot of interest previously) is it game over or will you continue to pursue her in order to verify yourself (pride)? Let's assume that she continues to show interest afterwards.

[Guest <3StrawberryPocky<3]

Hai! I don't really have luck with men, but I'm starting to wonder if it's also something I'm doing? In my first relationship ever, it was amazing while it lasted, but I never knew he was seeing someone else at the time until he finally told me. I never suspected anything either because he would always text me, call me, and hang out with me, and when I asked him if there was anything going on between him and anyone else to make sure when we first started hanging out, he said of course not. So me thinking he was a single, pursued him, got in a great relationship with him, and then found out I was the second girl. . . .
Guy I'm currently seeing (not for long . . .) started out as a friends with benefits. He hooked up with another girl, I thought nothing of it, but while we were hooking up for a while and he told me he really likes me, he ended up hooking up with the same girl again. This made me frustrated, and I realized I liked him, too. We established that we're in an exclusive sort of deal, where we can't see other people. Basically, it's a relationship. However, he went away for a week to Canada to hang out with family (mostly his cousin) and her friends. Among her friends, there was this girl there he had met before and stayed in contact with. Today he's coming back, but I checked her facebook (I'll be honest, I wanted to make sure nothing was going on between them), and it said she's in a relationship with him while his status on facebook says he's single. I don't know what's going on, but either way, I'm sick of cheating. 
You can ask me what I do in response, etc, but do I just not have luck with guys, or am I doing something wrong? Thank you in advance. 

[Guest HERMIT]

@<3StrawberryPocky<3

Well, I think all I can say is that it's just luck.  In regards to the description of your first experience, I can't really find fault for anything that you might have done.  Being in a relationship involves trust and laying yourself out on the line - and this first guy just frankly betrayed your trust.  But from reading what you wrote, you basically responded and acted accordingly to the signals and behaviors this guy was feeding you.  You got duped, but it happens to the best of us.

As to the second experience, the only thing I can scrutinize is how at the beginning the relationship was pretty much clouded in ambiguity.  At least, that's how I see FWB relationships as being. I think with these arrangements, the "general idea" is there - but quite frankly, men and women are just plain wired differently emotionally - so the parameters of such relationships can easily be different for each person.  The way you reacted to how he hooked up with the same girl is an example of that.  I'm betting that to him, what's the big deal?  He might have implied the "with benefits" part to expand it to including "open relationship" parameters - whereas, while you might have accepted that general notion, you never considered that once he bedded one particular girl more than once ... then in your mind that somehow was a threat to your "with benefits" aspect of your arrangement.  In any event, I'm not about to argue the semantics of what happened - I'm kind of getting off track.

However, the fact of the matter is that according to you, you did step back and redefined the parameters of this second relationship.  You wanted exclusivity and you established it.  So from that, I cannot find fault with anything you have done with this second relationship either.  You did what you could to clarify things.  It's just that again, you were duped by the guy once again.  So I guess if there's anything that I can maybe constructively criticize in this second relationship, it's just the conventional wisdom of believing that you could have established exclusivity with a guy when from the very beginning, it all started out under an auspicious ambiguity.  Another would probably be to question just how "effective" and straightforward you were in establishing exclusivity when that moment came.  You didn't really elaborate on that matter, but I guess that is up for you to analyze for yourself.  Maybe you set the parameter - but perhaps the guy didn't really buy into it and just gave you lip service?  Who knows.

In the end, I think it's just bad luck that you've had with guys based on these two separate instances.  You did what you could and I don't think there's anything that you did specifically wrong or could find fault with.  All I can say is that these are just learning experiences to tuck under your belt.  If there's any lessons to be learned, I guess it's just to be even ever more vigilant with the kinds of guys you meet, perhaps extend your vetting out process, and just not presume anything - at least not too easily or quickly.

[Guest <3StrawberryPocky<3]

Thank you, Hermit. =] That really helped. I'll try my best when it comes to guys and being more vigilant. And if I see myself doing any of the things I did in the second relationship, I'll try and fix it. Thank you again. <3 

[Guest]

What is it about being asian that guys love so much? Literally every time a non-asian guy is interested in me they'll say something like "oh you're a really pretty asian" or "i have a thing for hot/pretty asians". I don't know why they can't just compliment me without including my race in it. :/ 

[SereneKrn]

@xcherryxsherryx because some guys just want an asian girl even if they don't have anything in common. Or they just might not like asians usually, but I would say it's more likely the former than the latter. I think a lot of girls tend to avoid guys like that. 

[Gullwings]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 month now...we also work together and saw each other every day this week because we worked overtime....anyways we haven't talk to each other much for 5 days...just saying hi and bye ...and I know he's on edge when we see each other too much(well thats what he told me some weeks ago) and we mostly see each other just at work(maybe 3 times a week but last week I saw him 6 days in a row for maybe 5hours)...anyways... this silence between us irritates me ...and I'm not sure what to do...well I know that I've got to talk to him...it's not like I can change the fact that we work together :S

[Guest yoon001]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 month now...we also work together and saw each other every day this week because we worked overtime....anyways we haven't talk to each other much for 5 days...just saying hi and bye ...and I know he's on edge when we see each other too much(well thats what he told me some weeks ago) and we mostly see each other just at work(maybe 3 times a week but last week I saw him 6 days in a row for maybe 5hours)...anyways... this silence between us irritates me ...and I'm not sure what to do...well I know that I've got to talk to him...it's not like I can change the fact that we work together :S

[NaughtyDog]

And he goes, "

You wouldn't like what I'd get you so I don't get you anything

." Then he just continues on shopping.

For my last birthday, I got a bra (wtf.. even though I'd been hinting that a pair of sandals I found on sale were really nice). For our anniversary a month later (still hinting for the sandals), I got a build-a-bear (no fancy shirts on it or anything, just a big bear). For Christmas, I got an eyeshadow palette consisting of mainly blue eyeshadows.

When I made it into nursing school, he drew me a picture.

Honestly, I'm not a materialistic person. I don't go shopping because I'm always trying to pay for my phone bill, insurance, car payment, and gas. I'm never able to get myself anything.

Sometimes it'd be nice to get surprised with something...ANYTHING. His surprises consist of lotion he steals from his workplace, random bracelets he makes out of strings lying around, and "cool" rocks he finds.

No matter how many times I've tried to bring this up to him, he always says it's because I'm too shallow. No I'm not! I've done so much, I deserve SOMETHING in return!

[AiriinxKumori]

I'm trying to figure out a way to approach this subject with my bf but I don't know how.I want to ask if he can decline/decreased one-on-one settings with his close friend[girl]and just go when  it is group settings. Lately she has been inviting him in "one on one"settings alot and its making me uncomfortable. If its once in a while to catch up. I'm fine but now its like every other week. Mostly in one on one settings.

[Guest SlicedBread]

If you found out a girl played you..(basically flirting with you excessively, and then all of a sudden goes " i don't want to lead you on or anything, but I'm unsure about my feelings right now" even though she was obviously showing a lot of interest previously) is it game over or will you continue to pursue her in order to verify yourself (pride)? Let's assume that she continues to show interest afterwards.