Ask The Fellas

[Guest akp124]

I made up my mind and am going to hang out with him next week on his day off from work.

Now, he's really confusing me. Either he saw my status on facebook or he saw me actually crying after leaving the gym. (Long story short, I sometimes cry because going to the gym reminds me of how dumb I was to believe this one guy.) Anyway, he texted me and kinda opened up to me. Telling me to not let one guy ruin it for the rest of the good ones. He was probably just making me feel better, but why would he text me about it in the first place? Is he trying to tell me something? lol I'm thinking wayyy too much into it.

[Guest HERMIT]

Heys,

Well, that's just part and parcel of a long-distance relationship. You're challenged with having to have relatively more trust in the other person. You guys are more out of sight, out of mind. It's out of your hands, unfortunately. You have to realize that there's a lot more things that you cannot control since you are not in each other's presence to get that feeling of reassurance. So it basically boils down to whether you can handle that level of blind trust. If you can't, then you have to seriously consider whether being engaged in a LDR is something that you should be dabbling in anyway.

I think for you, you just simply need to back off on trying to read and predict intentions and outcomes. All you can really control is what you do know and just being prepared for any contingencies. Enjoy moments when they happen, appreciate kind gestures for what they are in that moment. Judge the person simply for what they have done for you already and try not to assign value to something that you think they will do or hope they will do. All that does is just get you in constant speculation mode and it'll drive you crazy when things 'don't pan out'. Just remember if you want something to go in a certain direction, you have control in steering it in that direction. Don't always rely on the guy to keep making moves and gestures to give you an idea of how they feel and what it means. You can get more answers for yourself if you take more proactive actions rather than being passive and waiting for the guy's next move.

[AiriinxKumori]

is it possible for love and friendship to be confused among guys? like besides obviously sex. they don't get there is huge difference between treatment of gf and treatment of close friend [girl]?

[Guest HERMIT]

is it possible for love and friendship to be confused among guys? like besides obviously sex. they don't get there is huge difference between treatment of gf and treatment of close friend [girl]?

For some guys, it could be as simple as just being sex, the touchy/feely, intimate type of contact, and the more emotional moments/expressions that serves as a delineation between a 'girl friend' and just a 'friend'. Guys are not emotional beings in the same way that females are. So for us, it could be construed as just a simplification of the interactions from the female perspective. The aforementioned 'activities' are reserved for what we do with our girlfriends - otherwise, if you are a friend, we'll treat you as just a friend. Where the problem seems to lie is when girls attribute their perceptions and valuations of what constitutes 'girlfriend behavior' and just 'friend behavior' and then attributes it to the guy being confused. But guys can tend to perceive the situation simply: if I call up my guy friends a lot to converse or just hang and chill, then why should it be different if I do the same with a friend that happens to be a girl? If I call my guy friends by nicknames and have an established manner of talking around them, why should those habits also change when it's the friend so happens to be a girl. If it's a "quality time" kind of issue, then this source of irritation for the GF should be equally attributed to how the guy treats/spends time with his male friends as well as his female friends. But if it's a "quality time" issue but the irritation is aimed only at the female friends, then an argument can be made that it's just jealousy and insecurity talking here.

Again, I'm just postulating that for guys, it's just a matter of simplification: if I'm not having sex with her, I'm not being touchy-feely with her, and I'm not engaging in what can be construed as overtly intimate/emotional moments with a friend that just happens to be a girl - then what is the problem? What is the confusion? Could the issue be not how I treat my female friends - but how you expect me to treat my female friends? What's stated above could be an honest reaction from any guy: they are just doing what they do and have always done and they know they are being faithful as far as the physical, the heart, and the mind are concerned. At a certain point, if a girlfriend refuses to believe up to that point, he's either going to be forced to have change his whole "treatment" of his friends to kowtow to the GF's demands and insecurities (and perhaps become miserable himself in the process) - or, maybe have to re-evaluate his relationship with that GF. Either way, would the girlfriend be genuinely happy with that outcome?

[chiluvskk]

if a guy is always offering to help you / does favors for you, is that a sign that he likes you? One of my coworkers is always helping me with random things even though I never ask him, and even though we work in different areas I always see him roaming around my station. And what especially surprises me is that I'll be talking to someone or asking someone something, and somehow he just appears next to us and answers me/helps me. It's weird.. is he just super duper nice or is there something more? ( he doesn't do this to other female workers)
thanks guys!

[Guest RyokoJunkie]

I want some of your guys thoughts on this. So my friend is currently dating this girl and it's been almost about seven months now. She isn't happy in her relationship with him and she's told him this about two times throughout their relationship that she was upset about certain things he wouldn't do.He won't do anything sexual with/to her. I mean yes, they don't have to but isn't that kind of weird? A teenage boy in a seven month relationship but they haven't even made out yet, kind of odd. Why do you think he hasn't made a move yet? She's complained about it twice to him and he says he'll change but he hasn't. Not that I mind their relationship or anything, it was just an interesting thing that usually doesn't happen. Why do you guys think he's not doing anything to her? Not even making out?

[Guest HERMIT]

if a guy is always offering to help you / does favors for you, is that a sign that he likes you? 

[Guest akp124]

HERMITTTT!!!I think I unknowingly messed things up.Okay, so... I was suppose to go to his house tomorrow. My brother graduated on Thursday and my mother conveniently decided that we would have a dinner/party to celebrate tomorrow. Well, without giving it much though, I asked him if he wanted to go. It would have been more convenient for me if we went, and then after, we would go to his house. My mother will make me stay until after to help clean up and stuff and I really do not want to do that. So, I decided, hey, let me invite me. Anyways, he texted me back saying that it would be awkward to be meeting my parents! It did not occur to me until he said it that he would actually be meeting them. 
I think he thinks I like him as more than a friend now. Although it is true, I do not want him to know until I think it's the right time.I already said sorry yada yada and he said it was cool. But, now I think its gonna be even more awkward. haha I don't know what to do now.

[Guest HERMIT]

HERMITTTT!!!I think I unknowingly messed things up.Okay, so... I was suppose to go to his house tomorrow. My brother graduated on Thursday and my mother conveniently decided that we would have a dinner/party to celebrate tomorrow. Well, without giving it much though, I asked him if he wanted to go. It would have been more convenient for me if we went, and then after, we would go to his house. My mother will make me stay until after to help clean up and stuff and I really do not want to do that. So, I decided, hey, let me invite me. Anyways, he texted me back saying that it would be awkward to be meeting my parents! It did not occur to me until he said it that he would actually be meeting them. 

I think he thinks I like him as more than a friend now. Although it is true, I do not want him to know until I think it's the right time.I already said sorry yada yada and he said it was cool. But, now I think its gonna be even more awkward. haha I don't know what to do now.

[Guest moch]

Hi! So here's my problem: me and this guy is in a complicated relationship right now. Wewere together for a year and broke up last November. He said I didn't undestand that he meant that we take a break and not totally break up. But imo, it was clear that he wants to break up officially. For more than a month, we go our separate ways but still with communication (often he would text me first). Finally in December, we talked and both agreed that we need a breather in our relationship.

But still, up to now we haven't gone back together. Though we go out and constantly communicate. One time, he went with this girl I'm very jealous of. She's a friend but he knows I don't like her. He still went out but defended that it's not a date and they just went to school.

The question is: I don't really know what to do. His family knows that we still go out and haven't broke up. Is that a good indication? Thank you.

[Guest HERMIT]

@moch:

You know, I've noticed a few of these "breaks vs breakup" issues and I find these situations just as much perplexing as they are compelling.  But the common denominator that I seem to always observe is that with "breaks", all that really seems to accomplish is emotional ambiguity and added stress due to this lack of defined parameters in this new 'working relationship'.

My take on this - people should do away with this whole popularized notion of "breaks".  It ultimately does not do anybody good but to create confusion.  Instead, I think in order for couples to really attain peace, happiness, and sanity - whether it be with each other or simply just for their own individual selves - they should just be decisive for once.  Don't be afraid of the word "breakup".  If anything, being broken up is a definitive state.  You know what the stakes are.  You either want it or you don't.  It's analogous to being alive or dead.  If you are stricken with a severe blow to your life (like say you are dealt a severe blow to your relationship) and you're faced with a life or death predicament, you make a choice - right?  If you want to stay alive, you muster up your will to live, to survive.  But if the pain and the injuries are too great to overcome - you die. In this situation, why would you choose purgatory?  Or would you?  I don't know to what benefit it would be to put yourself in limbo like that in this analogy.  Eventually, you know the decision has to be made: life ... or death.  So why put off that decision?  To me, that's what is essentially being done when couples elect to go on "breaks".  They are just being wishy washy.

I know my life or death analogy may be rather simplistic - but by using it, my hope is that it proves instructional as to how you go about the business of your relationship with the right frame of mind - a right sense of purpose.  In short, don't be afraid to be definitive and decisive.  At the most basic level, know what you want - and then progressively work your way up to understanding what he wants.

As I mentioned before, don't be afraid of the word "break-up".  It is a definitive state.  Use its absolute condition as your guide in how you make your decisive choices.  Are you starting to get my point here?  Because a break-up is the end, it's final, kaput ..... if that's NOT what you guys want, then for crying out loud you guys stick it out and fight for absolutely fixing the relationship (ie. fight for your life).  But if you positively and definitively find that your differences are irreconcilable and one or both of you are too stubborn to budge, then the only option is to part ways.  Accept that.  But don't choose "breaks".  You're only staving off the inevitable - which is making the decision on the relationship.  And if you two were to sit down and actually hammer out parameters for a "break" (ie. can you see other people? how often should you keep in contact? etc etc), I say "why bother"?  If you are going to take the time and effort to hammer out conditions of a "break" - why don't you just use that time and energy to decisively work on the relationship in the first place?

But I think the last thing that I'd like to weigh in on regarding the subject of breaks and break-ups:  Break-ups don't have to be permanent.  They can be temporary.  There's no rule outlawing that a couple couldn't get back together.  So with that said, I guess what I'm conveying that "breaking up" can actually be a better tool to a couple's relationship than the notion of "taking breaks".  Because of the finality of breaking up, it forces the couple to properly identify the true viability of their relationship and what they each want.  Do you want to break-up (die)?  If you don't, then fight for it.  Fix it.  Don't 'take a break' to think about it.  You either know what you want or you don't.  But if you find it's not working, you don't have the answers, you aren't being fulfilled, or you're just plain unhappy - then simply break up.  Let it be over and then you can let the finality sink in and clear your mind.  And you know what?  Sometimes it is just that finality of a breakup that not only helps you clear your mind - it also helps you reattain your focus.  Sometimes you don't know or realize what you want until you miss it.  And therein, you can either go back and pursue the BF again and perhaps he will be on the same page as you then.  Like I said, break-ups can be temporary too.  But when you get back together, it'll hopefully be for the right, clarified reasons - and the relationship can start over fresh and anew because of that 'purging'.  Sometimes for a couple to find their direction, they have to first lose themselves from each other.  But if they don't find themselves, then probably it was for the best.

Anyhow, in your case @moch, I hope my little 'monologue' up there might have enlightened you in some way as to what kind of direction you want to take in your current situation.  Maybe you might want to actually sit and define yourself.  Do you not like it if your BF goes out with any girl - whether it be on a date or not?  If you don't, does that not hint at the possibility that you are still "in it" for the relationship?  Then fight for it and convince yourself that you are definitely IN a relationship that you WANT to salvage - and that you are not in some ambiguous and listless "taking a break" state.  But if you find that you aren't willing to fight for it, then perhaps now you'll know that a break-up is truly in order.  Resign yourself to that conclusion.

In the end, you essentially want to do right by yourself.  And the first step is to know what you want.  Defend what you want and hope that maybe your boyfriend will see it the same as you.  And if not?  Then break-up.  As I said, the finality of that decision could 'shake up' what your BF truly wants and maybe that will change his tune and his perception of the situation.  And perhaps you might be able to continue to work on things from there.  But at the very least, don't delude yourself with the notion of an ongoing "break".  You will have no peace, you will have no closure.  All you are asking for is a world of confusion, ambiguity, and unnecessary stress.  It is a purgatory - a limbo, plain and simple.  It's only staving off the inevitable, which is making a decision on what the relationship should be.  Why wait?  Live or die.  Either way, you will find peace of mind.

[Guest thislove]

Hi! I just gave advice to other people but now i need some for myself. Is it normal that my bf doesnt reply to my text msgs all the time? He used to reply right away and then it got slower and slower to the point where he wont even reply back. When i point it out he would say he never received it or he didnt hear it. The first few times it was okay until he kept giving the same excuse. I know hes not cheating on me or anything probably too absorb in his games. But it does make me frustrated and when i tell himhe would either apologize or he would get mad. What should i do? Also, we cant see each other freely so we communicate through email a lot more than actually talking to each other in person. Is it bad that we cant really tell each other our problems when we actually see each other? I do try to tell him but when hes about to blow ill ease out and change the subject because i dont want to always argue with him on the rare chances that we do see each other. I hope im making sense.

[Guest RyokoJunkie]

This girl might have to consider the possibility that she is this guy's beard.

Unless this guy is devoutly religious or something.

But other than that, 7 months is a long time to abstain, I'd think, for a typically hormonal teenaged boy with a girlfriend.  I'm suspicious from the sounds of it that it could be a relationship of "convenience" on his part, so as to hide his actual sexuality - if you know what I mean.  But that's just my faraway, armchair assessment from the internet peanut gallery.

[Eclectic]

I want some of your guys thoughts on this. So my friend is currently dating this girl and it's been almost about seven months now. She isn't happy in her relationship with him and she's told him this about two times throughout their relationship that she was upset about certain things he wouldn't do.

He won't do anything sexual with/to her.

I mean yes, they don't have to but isn't that kind of weird? A teenage boy in a seven month relationship but they haven't even made out yet, kind of odd. Why do you think he hasn't made a move yet? She's complained about it twice to him and he says he'll change but he hasn't. Not that I mind their relationship or anything, it was just an interesting thing that usually doesn't happen. Why do you guys think he's not doing anything to her? Not even making out?

[Guest soyabean_x]

I've become quite good friends with this guy I met through my friends.

We're having our prom sometime this month and I asked if he wanted to come to my prom with me, just cause he's friends with all of my group and their boyfriends. I kinda asked just thinking that it would just be a bunch of friends hanging out.

A few weeks later (?), he asked me back to his prom. Wondering if he thinks of me as a friend (like I do), or if he took my invitation to my prom the wrong way? He also said that I didn't have to pay him back for the ticket even when I insisted on it (tickets cost £40 ~ $60 USD!!!).

Because I'm one of the only single ones in my group, my friends have been trying to set me up with this guy (btw, I only like this guy as a friend). I don't know if my friends have told him stuff and led him to think that I like him as more than friends.

I hug all my guy friends, but do friends hold hand? We were out clubbing, and we wanted to go over to the bar to buy drinks. He grabbed my hand and led me to the bar. And he bought me loads of drinks all night, even though I kept telling him he didn't have to and I felt bad.

Does he like me as more than a friend? And what should I do? I don't know how to hint that I only wanna be friends. He's a really nice guy so I want to stay friends and not scare him off :L

Thanks in advance to anyone who can sort out my dilema

[Guest HERMIT]

@soyabean_x:  Yeah, it sounds by the way he's interacting with you that you are at risk for having given off the impression that you are interested in him more than friends.  If not that, then quite possibly your own friends having fed that idea into his head.  The most obvious answer is to suck it up and try to nip that perception in the bud.  But easier said than done, right?  Well, if you really insist in going the whole circuitous route, then I suppose you can go back and enlist those same very friends to 'erase' those thoughts from his mind.  Maybe they could discreetly hint to him for you.  That's one possible route.  The other way is to just plainly be stubborn in your stance in not interacting with him in the most obvious of ways.  If he tries to hold your hand, visibly don't let him.  Don't get too close to him otherwise - but remain cordial and friendly.  If he tries to pay for things for you, do not simply relent and let him.  Take out your money to pay your fair share - and in so doing, don't be afraid to make some kind of a leading statement like, "Well, it's not like you are my boyfriend or anything .... so I'll be fine paying for myself, thanks...."
But again - if you just want to make it quick and painless, you can always just take him aside and simply convey your concerns of misperception on his part

[Guest soyabean_x]

@HERMIT: Thanks for the reply, but definitely easier said than done! Problem is that my friends actually want to set us up, I've actually told them before that I don't like him as anything more than friends. They have the whole 'hey you're both single, you should date' kinda thing going in their heads and just keep insisting that we'd make a good couple....

And is there a way that won't make things awkward afterwards? I mean, I really like how I feel comfortable around him and we can just talk about anything. I don't really want to shoot him down too harshly....

 

[Guest HERMIT]

soyabean_x wrote:
@HERMIT: Thanks for the reply, but definitely easier said than done! Problem is that my friends actually want to set us up, I've actually told them before that I don't like him as anything more than friends. They have the whole 'hey you're both single, you should date' kinda thing going in their heads and just keep insisting that we'd make a good couple....

And is there a way that won't make things awkward afterwards? I mean, I really like how I feel comfortable around him and we can just talk about anything. I don't really want to shoot him down too harshly....

[Guest soyabean_x]

@HERMIT: Thanks alot for the advice I'll have a see what I can do while trying to minimize the akwardness... After all, I still have two proms to go to with him

[Guest]

Does a guy friendzone a girl when he calls her "bud" or "buddy"? Especially after he makes a move on her?