Low self-esteem/low confidence

[ParappaRappa]

when it's too much...

I don't know if there's a topic on this...But it's a very common issue with people, isn't it?

How have people gotten over it? I mean, I know it's a very typical thing for people to have low self-confidence in themselves and such. But then I also see people that have just gotten over that and just decided they're perfectly satisfied with who they are.

And how did they come to do that? I remember seeing a topic recently about a guy who was troubled with his girlfriend's low self-esteem. He didn't know how to assure her of herself. And the replies would say that she needs to find the root of it on her own and help herself.

How to find the root of it to deal with it completely though!!! How T_T

I have low self-esteem, as I'm sure many others do too. And it's starting to worry me how it's beginning to affect my relationship. My boyfriend gets really unhappy with me when it comes out. He ends up getting pretty annoyed sometimes. He's definitely noticed it since the beginning. His 100 day gift to me was 100 things of what he loves about me, the opening message being that he knows how lowly I think of myself and he wishes I could see what he sees. It was really sweet. And I feel so bad that I can't slap myself to stop loathing myself. And I hate it. It's absolutely great to be confident. I'm so jealous of my friend who told me she honestly was very satisfied and in love with herself. She realizes how cocky that sounds but she just is 100% happy with who she is. And that she wouldn't say that to most anyone else because she knows how she'd come off. But I didn't find it arrogant. She may love who she is, but it doesn't change the caring person she already is as well. I just wish I could have that confidence and self-assurance.

Sometimes I worry so much and get so depressed over thinking that any day now a girl that's much better than me will come and just take my bf away. And then I find myself ridiculous for thinking like this, I should trust that he's with me because he truly wants to be with me. And another pretty and nice girl can't steal him away so easily. But I constantly find myself worrying that he might wish I was prettier, more talented in some way, or just better in any way at all that I'm not.

I don't know, it's really aggravating when it really gets at me and I wish it would stop...It's low self-esteem to the point where I really do have to just find the root of it myself to help myself. And this is different from wanting people to appreciate me or compliment me. People giving compliments isn't the cure and won't solve it. It comes from deep inside somehow. Compliments and assuring comments sound like lies and pity...It's low self-esteem that doesn't just mean I'm unhappy appearance-wise. Honestly at times, I am happy appearance-wise. But it's to feel like you don't amount to much as a person in general.

Girls beaming with confidence seem to be prettiest, inside and out. Well, confidence like a good amount...Not overly arrogant >_>

Do you know what I mean? x_x Low self-esteem does apply to those that are always unsatisfied with their looks. But low self-esteem can also mean thinking that who they are inside is ugly and worthless. How to deal with both? Does anyone relate to what I'm trying to explain?

[Guest funnybear1]

I don't know if there's a topic on this...But it's a very common issue with people, isn't it?

How have people gotten over it? I mean, I know it's a very typical thing for people to have low self-confidence in themselves and such. But then I also see people that have just gotten over that and just decided they're perfectly satisfied with who they are.

And how did they come to do that? I remember seeing a topic recently about a guy who was troubled with his girlfriend's low self-esteem. He didn't know how to assure her of herself. And the replies would say that she needs to find the root of it on her own and help herself.

How to find the root of it to deal with it completely though!!! How T_T

I have low self-esteem, as I'm sure many others do too. And it's starting to worry me how it's beginning to affect my relationship. My boyfriend gets really unhappy with me when it comes out. He ends up getting pretty annoyed sometimes. He's definitely noticed it since the beginning. His 100 day gift to me was 100 things of what he loves about me, the opening message being that he knows how lowly I think of myself and he wishes I could see what he sees. It was really sweet. And I feel so bad that I can't slap myself to stop loathing myself. And I hate it. It's absolutely great to be confident. I'm so jealous of my friend who told me she honestly was very satisfied and in love with herself. She realizes how cocky that sounds but she just is 100% happy with who she is. And that she wouldn't say that to most anyone else because she knows how she'd come off. But I didn't find it arrogant. She may love who she is, but it doesn't change the caring person she already is as well. I just wish I could have that confidence and self-assurance.

Sometimes I worry so much and get so depressed over thinking that any day now a girl that's much better than me will come and just take my bf away. And then I find myself ridiculous for thinking like this, I should trust that he's with me because he truly wants to be with me. And another pretty and nice girl can't steal him away so easily. But I constantly find myself worrying that he might wish I was prettier, more talented in some way, or just better in any way at all that I'm not.

I don't know, it's really aggravating when it really gets at me and I wish it would stop...It's low self-esteem to the point where I really do have to just find the root of it myself to help myself. And this is different from wanting people to appreciate me or compliment me. People giving compliments isn't the cure and won't solve it. It comes from deep inside somehow. Compliments and assuring comments sound like lies and pity...It's low self-esteem that doesn't just mean I'm unhappy appearance-wise. Honestly at times, I am happy appearance-wise. But it's to feel like you don't amount to much as a person in general.

Girls beaming with confidence seem to be prettiest, inside and out. Well, confidence like a good amount...Not overly arrogant >_>

Do you know what I mean? x_x Low self-esteem does apply to those that are always unsatisfied with their looks. But low self-esteem can also mean thinking that who they are inside is ugly and worthless. How to deal with both? Does anyone relate to what I'm trying to explain?  

your avatar makes me go

[Guest ChingGoo]

Girls beaming with confidence seem to be prettiest, inside and out. Well, confidence like a good amount...Not overly arrogant >_>

Sometimes, its her confidence that makes her really shine.

[pollute]

I can totally relate to what you're saying I still haven't exactly gotten to the point where I am completely confident about myself, but I'm trying really hard to get there. I think the major confidence booster in myself was definitely when I started taking up Arts classes, like singing and painting. Maybe you can give it a try?

It doesn't have to be singing necessarily, it can be drawing, dancing, whatever. Or maybe join a sports team? Both require a lot of confidence in oneself because to do well, you have to be confident. Of course, at first it won't seem like a good idea, and you might feel like giving up, but stick to it and try your best. You don't have to be the best, just prove to yourself that you can do it. The moment when you realize how much you improved on something you sucked at so much at first... I think it definitely gave me a big boost of confidence in myself, like I can actually do something if I believed in it. Don't be impatient though, just enjoy what you're doing and enjoy the beauty of art, or sports.

For me, I was always the black sheep in my family. Literally. I look different because I have darker skin, and I wasn't pretty like my cousins. I was always insecure about myself, and I blamed it on my appearance. I had only one boyfriend in my life, and I definitely don't think I'm ready for another one until I learn to love myself first. I get the exact same thoughts as you when I was with him, except I've never voiced it out to him. Instead, when I get insecure, I pushed him away and the people around me too. Obviously, we've broken up, and I know that, 100%, it is my fault.

I graduated high school last year, and because I was going to a new school, going to meet people who have never seen me, I wanted to completely change up my looks. Looks wise, I am satisfied with myself. I thought, with this new found confidence and appearance, I can make loads of new friends. Classes have already ended, and so far I've only talked to the people whom I already knew since high school. Some confidence, huh? Yeah, still working on it by finding my own interests.

You can do it! Good luck!

[Guest meiming8_1]

I had low self-confidence all my life until recently. I started to become more confident about a year ago, and now I can happily say I love both my body and my personality. I think being confident in your body helps you become more positive in your personality, and vice versa, so it's important to work on both!

For me, I had a tough breakup last year with my long-term boyfriend and had nothing to do over the summer so I started exercising. I started doing yoga everyday, and then my brother introduced me to weight-lifting which really boosted my self-esteem. At first it was really intimidating, going into a gym full of huge men doing exercises that girls don't stereotypically do, but ever since then I haven't felt bad about my body. I'm not necessarily advocating doing weights, but I would definitely recommend starting a tough gym programme. Exercising is really great for the mind and body, and what I like about doing weights is that it gives you results right away- you can feel how tired your body is, and your progress increases every time you go. It made me focus less on how my body looked, and more on how I used it which I think is really crucial. I think it would be great for you to start a physically challenging gym routine. It's healthy, relieves stress, makes you fitter/look better and is something you can be proud of.

Another thing that reinforced my self-esteem was interviews. Obviously, not everyone will be able to do this so I'll just share my personal experience and hope it helps. The university I go to is extremely competitive, and everyone applies for internships in their 2nd year. I've always considered myself to be a second-rate candidate because I don't think I'm very intelligent and I've always thought my peers were much better than me. In the end, after a really tough selection process I ended up proving myself wrong and doing much better than my peers. Obviously you can't follow this necessarily, but what boosted my self-esteem from this is that I forced myself to do something tough and ended up proving myself wrong.

Imo, self-esteem comes from measuring yourself too harshly against others so to overcome it, you need to do something that challenges you and that you'll be proud of afterwards. I'm recommended exercising because it helped me and it tackles both the challenge and appearance issues. However, it doesn't have to exercise- it's just my personal experience that it really helped me. Another recommendation I'd have is to join some clubs that involve team-work. Doing something where people rely on you and succeeding is a great thing! Or start something that you have a real interest in, and force yourself to continue even if you're not good at it. For example, if you like drawing but have always given up because you've never been good, don't give up this time! Go to a drawing class, meet the other students there and force yourself to continue- you'll be proud of both your determination, and also how much you improve. You should also try to do things that force yourself out of your comfort zone. Set yourself a goal a day. For example, if you don't like talking to strangers your goal today could be, 'start a conversation with the person next to me in class.' Or, if there's a movie you want to see that no one else wants to go to, it could be 'go to the cinema by myself.' Meeting this little goals gives you satisfaction and ultimately makes you more independent and happy.

[Guest simpledaydream]

Most girls I know tend to have very low self-esteems. I, myself is one of them. I have been told many horrible things about me, and that of course did not help with the problem at all. I think the only thing that's slowly pulling myself out of the category is by doing what I am good at doing and just feel comfortable with myself. And try to be a little more arrogant with yourself, it'd make you feel a lot better.

[Xkumagorobeamx]

haha sounds like me~

i dunno, for me.. i just try to not think too much and pay less attention to wat ppl say to me. (yes it is VERY VERY hard, but i try my best not to dig into words hoping to find gold.. )

[BEBE_AN]

this could just be a phase. people normally transform from an ugly duckling to a magnificent swan, as cliche as that sounds. the transformation period is different for everyone. you are probably feeling inadequate because you believe you're surrounded by swans. your time will come eventually. you'll be a swan some day : )

i know this might not work for everyone, but working on your self esteem starts with enhancing your physical appearance. if you like the way that you look, then you would normally like to be in your own skin. that's just the first step. go to the gym if you feel you need to lose weight. be more conscious of the way that you're dressed. second, stick to what you're good at and excel in that area. this would enhance your feeling of self worth because you would feel that you're better at this specific area than most other people. third get a job that you enjoy. if it pays well, then that's a bonus. finally, find a good support system. this is normally your friends and those who you're surrounded by. make sure these people are positive influences in your life. i think these steps would only work if you feel loved by your family and friends to begin with.

maybe this is a time for you to work on yourself instead of being in a relationship. the first relationship that you need to work on is the one with yourself. this way you could be selfish and focus on your own needs instead of worrying about the needs of others also. aren't relationships about compromises? how could you afford to make compromises for others when you feel inadequate in the first place?

[Guest dolcedor.]

I used to have low self-esteem. Today, I can honestly say that I think I'm pretty awesome and I'm very happy with who I am. It might sound cocky but hey, can't help it if that I'm this awesome.

In all seriousness, what started this change in me was going to the gym to work out. I've never been athletic or in good physical shape. My face was a ball magnet. Climbing up a flight of stairs would leave me huffin' and puffin'. I remember playing softball in  elementary and when it was my turn to bat, people would move closer, knowing I wouldn't be able to hit the ball very far. Didn't exactly help my self-esteem. Anyway, I started powerlifting about 2 years ago and it's made me more confident. I lost weight and got a lot stronger in the process, and for obvious reasons I'm happier with my body now than I was before. I've even had people come up to me to compliment me on my lifts or ask me for advice--major confidence boost. I guess what I'm saying is when you get good at something or when you're passionate about something... you'll feel good about yourself and people will notice. I've also been doing cardio, and I've gone from not being able to run a mile without stopping, to being able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. I've also started playing sports competitively, and I've gotten a lot better at it since I've started. I'm in the best shape of my life and it feels freaking amazing. Not to mention the free endorphins you get from being physically active.

On top of that, I've cut out toxic people from my life. I used to associate myself with people who were probably insecure themselves, as they would constantly do things like give backhanded compliments to people around them. They also had a sense of entitlement and would take people for granted. Yeah... good riddance to them. Today, the people around me are (almost) as awesome as I am, and having them around only makes my life even better.

For me, I'd say being physically active was the catalyst for my boost in self-esteem. Since my confidence level increased, I know I don't need other people to feel good about myself. I'm actually very satisfied with who I am on a day-to-day basis, with or without assurance from other people. For you, I'd say go out of your comfort zone and try out different things. Keep busy and productive. Find something you enjoy doing and get good at it. You will undoubtedly be proud of your newfound abilities and skills, which will improve your self-esteem. It doesn't have to be sports or physical activity, but like another person mentioned, being happy with your physical appearance is a major part of having a healthy self-esteem.

[mintcracker]

Everybody is insecure about sth hun. I understand your fears and think it's just human nature! You should be happy that your bf chooses to be with you everyday =). Just remember he doesn't have a gun pointed to his head telling him to 'be with you or else' so relax.

Do you have anything you're talented at, proud of about yourself? You need to love yourself before you could ever truly love another person.

[inxomnia]

Honestly. I don't think there was really a point in time when I had really bad self esteem (not to sound conceited but..) I think this is largely because I had a good childhood, was well liked (I was never the stand out popular chick, but I was well liked by most), was memorable and I treated everyone nicely (or tried to). However, there was a time when I was going through a rough patch, and getting a pet really helped change my perspective during those times and made me a lot happier and more positive and when you're happy and positive, the way you perceive the world and people (including yourself) would be a bit more positive too. I know during puberty, I didn't like having boobs, but gradually I just grew to accept them. The more I look into the mirror, pull faces at the mirror, without taking myself too seriously, the more I realised I liked how I looked and became more confident of it. Sometimes I just compliment myself when I look in the mirror... how awkward. I know I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but I'm really content with how I look haha.

[Guest JiN.x]

I can relate a lot. Last year I was bawling my eyes out because I thought I was ugly but after doing that for a whole year I stopped because looking in the mirror everyday and hating myself isn't really going to do anything. I've always had low self-esteem and being the quiet kid really never helped at all..

I pretty much accepted the fact that I can never be completely happy with myself and decided to focus on other things rather than what I look like. Although it may be hard and you don't want to accept it, remember it takes time and really depends on the person. I never let it affect my relationship with others nor my performance academically at school though which is why I thought having such low self esteem was fine. Besides I thought picking out my flaws and crying about it was like an exercise, getting all your pent up feelings out and being able to express them by making them even a tad better.

I think that it pretty much stems from me being rather unsociable when I was a lot younger and my siblings constantly saying I'm ugly, I know they are just doing that because they are my siblings but when you hear it constantly it gets to you. The media also has a huge impact as well.

To this day I still have very low self esteem but I don't show it or talk to my close friends about it so no-one really knows. I just don't like the whole talk about thinking your ugly because I feel like even if I do it won't do any good for me.

[Guest itsyumey]

I used to have absolutely no confidence in myself at all.

But I've realized that to get better, to have more confidence, I can't just sit here and hope for the best. I need to go out and work my butt off for it.

You're already doing a LOT better than I was! You're actually going out and asking how you can get more confidence which is more than what I can say for the amount of tries I gave at first. xD

To tell you the truth, I wanted to be better. I didn't really know HOW to be better or really what I wanted to be better at. For me, being a better person was being someone that more people liked. This may not be someone's idea of a "better" person though. Just mine. And I think I was lucky because I happened to find someone who I REALLY admired, who had all the traits I didn't even know I was looking for. Once I realized what I was looking for, I worked toward getting those traits and improving the ones that I may have partially already had. And for those traits that I couldn't get, I learned to accept that those were things I couldn't change but they were what made me, me. Those combination of things that I couldn't make better are the flaws that make me who I am. And the people who can accept those flaws and still be with me are people who have learned to love me for who I am. People who can't/don't want to may not have accepted me but maybe it's because one of my flaws is just something they personally cannot stand and so, there's no point in trying to force them to like me.

So similarly~ you should write down traits you admire about people, traits that you wish you had or could improve on. What do you not like about yourself? Once you have that down, you work toward making those things better. And remember that there is no perfect person, just a perfect-enough person in YOUR eyes. Everyone's perspective of what an awesome person is, is different. That's why, for everyone, confidence will come from doing different things. But generally, accepting flaws that you can't change as what makes you special and unique as well as working to improve on things you can do better at will build your confidence up.

In all honesty, I think that confidence is always a work in progress. I don't think there's anyone that is confident every minute of every day of their lives. We all get beat down and then the confident ones work to improve it so that they can be someone who they want to be. That's all I think confidence is: working towards being someone you want to be.

[Guest bombb_]

i think it first starts with what dissatisfies you.

for me, i hate how i procrastinate, how i am talentless, how i don't do my family proud, my studying habits, etc..

i think my confidence will grow as i don't do these things, as i do what i tell myself i want to do.

it takes an arbitrary amount of time to get out of it imo.

it differs from person to person, it's a realization that requires...those deep thoughts before bed and in the shower you don't ever really want to think about, but do.

haha.

don't worry. don't stress about it.

everything is fine, if he is unhappy then you'll find someone else, he'll find someone else; you'll both be fine, merry, and happy.

[ParappaRappa]

Just wanted to say, very inspiring stories! And thanks to all for the advice

Also I have definitely been thinking about starting to exercise daily and I'm glad to see it'd help me in areas of my life that I didn't even realize

[GreenTeandSASHIMI]

Me too.. Last year I had lots of confidence and then this year it just plummeted in still not sure why and I hate it because I know the feeling of being happy and content and confident but now I don't feel it and I always feel crappy and inconsistent academically. Like when I study I get lazier, like say I'm studying math... I just end up doing like 7 questions because i just got so lazy all of the sudden. I also got a lot more forgetful and my memory is usually good, like I never ever use my planner in school.

Also because I REAAAALLLLYYY like this really nice, smart, shy and funny guy whos just so cute and I have a pretty strong feeling that he likes my best friend who is outgoing, confident, athletic, fit and just very social while I'm shy and I don't know what to say when I'm with him.. Actually whenever I talk to him I feel so happy. But because I like him and I feel crappy everyday pounding myself with thoughts my confidence went down the drain....

Aha OP at least you have a boyfriend that you know likes you a lot

I need help guys what do I do?

[Guest kels.huns]

I don't  care how great you are and how wonderful your life is but you will get to a point where you would feel bad about yourself.

You need to know when you're most upset. For me, it's when I'm low on money or has too much bills to pay. My bf would constantly remind me that I get paid every week with my two jobs. SO to make things better, I just pay my damn bills and stop checking my online bank. I created a spreadsheet of what to do/which bills to pay with what paychecks. Basically I got better at managing my money. First year on my own, yanno!?!? (:

Another time I'm upset with myself and life is  3 day-week before my ahemmmm time of the month. I'd feel bloated and ugly (pimples out of nowhere) so to make things better, I go shopping a day or two before. I usually gain like 5 lbs temporary so I always have "bigger" clothes to wear. I take long baths and clean my apartment. I try not to compare myself with other girls during this time....

Just snap out of it because you can't really change it, but you can improve yourself, always! (:

That's sweet about the 100 days anniversary...

[thesteel]

If you haven't already, I think you need to find something you're interested in and pursue it (basically a hobby I guess)

I started working out again sometime in December and it's noticeably boosted my confidence. I'm not cocky or arrogant but way more confident than the ~2 years where I took a break from exercising. Going from running and working out 6-7 times a week to lifting maybe once a month was terrible for my self esteem. I could never feel good about myself even when I was still in better shape than a lot of people