Ask The Ladies - Read First Post

[Eclectic]

1) What do you think about a guy who is thrifty, but isn't cheap when he goes out with you? Like, he'll pay for your meals/drinks (whatever) but in general he is simple and not materialistic (or keeping up with the latest fashion). In other words, his life is pretty humble but he is still generous (or at least not cheap) to you.

note: let's assume he has a job

2) Let's say that you are in the "talking" phase with a guy (could be a coworker, casual acquaintance, classmate, etc.) Do you give him a time limit to make a move before you assume he's not interested (or he gets friend-zoned).

3) How do you know if a girl wants you to ask her out? (Or is it just one of those inevitable risks you have to take in life to find out the answer?)

Thanks

[Guest dolcedor.]

1) What do you think about a guy who is thrifty, but isn't cheap when he goes out with you? Like, he'll pay for your meals/drinks (whatever) but in general he is simple and not materialistic (or keeping up with the latest fashion).  In other words, his life is pretty humble but he is still generous (or at least not cheap) to you.

note: let's assume he has a job

2) Let's say that you are in the "talking" phase with a guy (could be a coworker, casual acquaintance, classmate, etc.) Do you give him a time limit to make a move before you assume he's not interested (or he gets friend-zoned).

3) How do you know if a girl wants you to ask her out? (Or is it just one of those inevitable risks you have to take in life to find out the answer?)

Thanks

1) I like. Shows he is financially responsible but at the same time, not stingy.

2) I kind of expect a kiss by the third date as a rule of thumb. Could be earlier, could be later. But he'd better be flirting; otherwise I'll get the feeling he's not interested. And it would make me feel insecure. Misread this. Umm... depends on how frequently I talk to him. I don't give a time limit really. If I liked him, I can be pretty patient. I've waited anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months. But again, it depends on how frequently I see or talk to him. Hopefully you're flirting with her here and there, to avoid getting friend-zoned.

3) Usually I'll drop hints about a restaurant I want to try out, a movie I want to see, or an activity I want to do.

[tamaneko]

1) What do you think about a guy who is thrifty, but isn't cheap when he goes out with you? Like, he'll pay for your meals/drinks (whatever) but in general he is simple and not materialistic (or keeping up with the latest fashion). In other words, his life is pretty humble but he is still generous (or at least not cheap) to you.

note: let's assume he has a job

2) Let's say that you are in the "talking" phase with a guy (could be a coworker, casual acquaintance, classmate, etc.) Do you give him a time limit to make a move before you assume he's not interested (or he gets friend-zoned).

3) How do you know if a girl wants you to ask her out? (Or is it just one of those inevitable risks you have to take in life to find out the answer?)

Thanks

1) This quality is something that I personally like, since I'm like that too xD

2) Say I like the guy - I probably won't give him a time limit, but I will give up on hoping that he makes a move after a school year or so.

On the other hand, if I don't originally have any interest on a guy...I'd already have thought of him as just a friend...?

3) I would probably hint with places I'd like to try to eat at, or video games. As you said, it's probably an inevitable risk ^^;

[Guest iHateHao]

This has been bugging me for months, there's this girl, whom I really cared about. She says she can't talk to me anymore. (Doesn't give reason why)

What do... chase after her, or do what she wants.

What WOULD you lads want the guy to do....

[Guest dolcedor.]

This has been bugging me for months, there's this girl, whom I really cared about. She says she can't talk to me anymore. (Doesn't give reason why)

What do... chase after her, or do what she wants.

What WOULD you lads want the guy to do....

Leave her alone. This is  your best chance of "winning" her back. If you chase after her, she's going to see you as needy and clingy, and you're only going to push her away. If she misses you, she'll take the initiative to contact you. If she doesn't, move on because there are other fish in the sea.

[Guest itrayya]

i would hope that the guy respect my wishes.

for me, the only times that i've told guys to stop talking or contacting me was when i really meant it.

i feel that i was nice enough to tell them, if they keep contacting me, i stop being nice.

brave it up and move on. you'll be fine. Life gives us moments like this one.

[Guest Kaoss]

In all three of my past relationships, my girlfriends at the time told me I was being "too nice" and they've never had anyone act in such a nice, caring way. Sometimes they say I'm doing more than I should, going out of my way to do something to make her feel special, loved, etc.

However, my kindness towards my exes have all resulted in us having fights, conflicts, and general discussion about how I can be "less nice" towards them. I'm not exactly the naggy/annoying kind of guy that has nothing better to do than stick around and bug my girlfriend constantly, but when there's a special event or even if there isn't, I tend to go out of my way and surprise my girlfriend. For example, there was an Adidas hoodie my most current ex wanted real badly, but she missed the sale and Adidas no longer carried it. I special ordered it online and surprised her with it during one of our dates. Those are the type of things I tend to do, but it's always brought me misfortune.

Am I doing something wrong? Being "too nice" and overwhelming the girl? Or have I just not had much luck with girls? Because though I'm currently single, I'd like to be prepared for my next relationship. Can a guy be "too nice"?

[Guest pasdechat]

Am I doing something wrong? Being "too nice" and overwhelming the girl? Or have I just not had much luck with girls? Because though I'm currently single, I'd like to be prepared for my next relationship. Can a guy be "too nice"?

Wow...are you real? Such lucky girls to date a guy like you! Anyway, I suppose they feel rather burdened by such generous/selfless behavior that's catered/directed all toward their needs and desires. I wouldn't say you need to change your behavior or anything because there's nothing wrong with it, but on the subject of a guy being "too nice"...I have thought my boyfriend was "too nice" at one point because he bought a bouquet of roses/chocolates for me and also bought single roses/chocolates for my single female friends on Valentine's Day. I thought it was such an expensive gesture, and he's a busy guy, so I was kind of overwhelmed that he did that for me, and I felt kind of guilty/spoiled...like I didn't deserve to be treated so nicely. I guess I feel inadequate and how such a nice guy like him didn't deserve a mean girl like me. So...I don't know about your ex-gfs, but that's how I used to feel about being "too nice." Plus, I wondered if he wanted me to reciprocate in return...and I didn't know how to do that. Buy him expensive things too?

[Guest dolcedor.]

In all three of my past relationships, my girlfriends at the time told me I was being "too nice" and they've never had anyone act in such a nice, caring way. Sometimes they say I'm doing more than I should, going out of my way to do something to make her feel special, loved, etc.

However, my kindness towards my exes have all resulted in us having fights, conflicts, and general discussion about how I can be "less nice" towards them. I'm not exactly the naggy/annoying kind of guy that has nothing better to do than stick around and bug my girlfriend constantly, but when there's a special event or even if there isn't, I tend to go out of my way and surprise my girlfriend. For example, there was an Adidas hoodie my most current ex wanted real badly, but she missed the sale and Adidas no longer carried it. I special ordered it online and surprised her with it during one of our dates. Those are the type of things I tend to do, but it's always brought me misfortune.

Am I doing something wrong? Being "too nice" and overwhelming the girl? Or have I just not had much luck with girls? Because though I'm currently single, I'd like to be prepared for my next relationship. Can a guy be "too nice"?

With the Adidas hoodie, it seemed like a personal item that she wanted to buy for herself. Personally, if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't have wanted my guy to buy it for me either. I'd feel guilty for having him spend so much money on me, and obligated to return the favor. I'd feel he was pampering me too much and more importantly, putting me on a pedestal. And I hate that. I want for us to be equals and I don't want to be treated like a princess.

I'd advise you to put in about the same amount of effort that she's putting in. Not saying you should keep score, but just be aware that an obvious imbalance is going to make one party feel uncomfortable and pressured to reciprocate.

Look up the "5 Love Languages". Maybe the girls you've been dating don't view gifts as a way to express love.

[Guest Kaoss]

Thanks for the advice! In terms of having them reciprocate, I made it clear that I don't really expect them to go out of their way to do something special for me, which gave them pressure as they felt like they had to treat me the same way I was treating them, or else it'd be unfair for me, or so they said, which ultimately resulted in my exes burning out because they were unable to deal with my kindness towards them.

In one of my relationships, I asked my ex what she wanted for Valentine's, and she brought up guinea pigs, and how she thought they were the the cutest things in the world. She didn't like teddy bears or chocolates or anything like that, but she was sort of hinting she wanted me to do something interesting for her, not necessarily get a guinea pig though. In fact I totally surprised her. I ended up taking her to the pet shop and letting her choose a guinea pig, and the cage/food/etc. But she DID reciprocate, while this past Valentine's my current ex didn't get me anything as she felt that Valentine's wasn't an important date, but I still insisted and got her something small.

I just find that most of my kindness results in pressure given to my exes, which in turn reciprocates to me, causing either one of us to break.

[Guest dolcedor.]

Thanks for the advice! In terms of having them reciprocate, I made it clear that I don't really expect them to go out of their way to do something special for me, which gave them pressure as they felt like they had to treat me the same way I was treating them, or else it'd be unfair for me, or so they said, which ultimately resulted in my exes burning out because they were unable to deal with my kindness towards them.

See, that's the thing. Even though you made it clear that you didn't expect them to reciprocate, the imbalance is still there. If your exes made it clear that they didn't want you to do certain things or treat them a certain way, perhaps you should have listened or compromised. Sorry, but this would richard simmons me off too, if I explicitly tell my guy I don't want him to do something and he goes and does it anyway.

In  one of my relationships, I asked my ex what she wanted for Valentine's,  and she brought up guinea pigs, and how she thought they were the the  cutest things in the world. She didn't like teddy bears or chocolates or  anything like that, but she was sort of hinting she wanted me to do  something interesting for her, not necessarily get a guinea pig though.  In fact I totally surprised her. I ended up taking her to the pet shop  and letting her choose a guinea pig, and the cage/food/etc. But she DID  reciprocate, while this past Valentine's my current ex didn't get me  anything as she felt that Valentine's wasn't an important date, but I  still insisted and got her something small.

I just find that most  of my kindness results in pressure given to my exes, which in turn  reciprocates to me, causing either one of us to break.

Different people have different needs and wants. You have to adapt your behavior to different people. Seems like you've molded a girlfriend in your mind and you want to treat every girl you date to fit this mold.

[Guest Kaoss]

That much I understand. Except 90% of the the time I listened to their "no", it's resulted in me getting scolded by my ex lol. Yes means no and no means yes? :/

Which then leads me to believe my exes were all slightly strange.

[Guest dolcedor.]

That much I understand. Except 90% of the the time I listened to their "no", it's resulted in me getting scolded by my ex lol. Yes means no and no means yes? :/

Which then leads me to believe my exes were all slightly strange.

And you just accepted it? See, that is you putting your exes on a pedestal. Cut that out. While it's immature of your exes to complain about you not doing something they didn't want you to do in the first place, you sound like you're lacking in the self-respect department. Personally, I would have just told them off. Or at least bring it up to them that you acquiesced to their request and now they're complaining about it?! It's immature my happy poopoo.

[Guest Kaoss]

It's not like I don't counter her immaturity, I do, which is why it leads to arguments. Which leads me back to my original question, am I being too nice? Anywho, good points I'll keep in mind for future reference ^^;

[Guest KaiLien]

How much do girls value a clean room of a guy?

Do they expect it?

I always say messy is okay but dirty is a no no. As long as its pretty decent I'm good.

Would you rather chase, or be chased?

Why? Why not?

What enables, or prevents you from choosing to do one over another?

I know every case is different but overall...

I would rather be chased. I'll feel more comfortable knowing that someone likes me and will go to lengths for me.

I've chased and it didn't turn out well and people will take you for granted. I wouldn't mind chasing if I'm also being chased as well. I have that traditional thinking where men should be doing more of the chasing. However, I feel that both parties need to do a give and take on chasing and being chased.

1) What do you think about a guy who is thrifty, but isn't cheap when he goes out with you? Like, he'll pay for your meals/drinks (whatever) but in general he is simple and not materialistic (or keeping up with the latest fashion). In other words, his life is pretty humble but he is still generous (or at least not cheap) to you.

note: let's assume he has a job

2) Let's say that you are in the "talking" phase with a guy (could be a coworker, casual acquaintance, classmate, etc.) Do you give him a time limit to make a move before you assume he's not interested (or he gets friend-zoned).

3) How do you know if a girl wants you to ask her out? (Or is it just one of those inevitable risks you have to take in life to find out the answer?)

Thanks

1. I find that very attractive, nice and devoted. Definitely one of the qualities in a “perfect man list”. It shows that you put the girl first before yourself.

2. I don’t put time limits on anything but my mind might wander about what is going on indefinitely. Personally, I would just think of it as friends first. That way there is no pressure and whatever will be will be! It is always best to make some sort of move as soon as possible though because someone else might move in first.

3. I feel that most of the time you just have to take that risk. Sometimes, they may not want to but you never know how its going to turn out.

[inxomnia]

@ Kaos - Yes you're being too nice. IF a guy is too nice / whipped, some girls will take advantage of that. Know when to give in, when to stay firm and definitely speak up if she's being an unreasonable pinkberry lol.

@Eclectic Asian

1. Pretty attractive, as long as he may sometimes want to do something spontaneous and out there once in a while, for the new experience if anything.

2. 1 month is pretty generous .. but depends on how often you guys talk/see each other.

3. Just take the chance? Much easier than trying to analyze her behavior. Honestly, I'm a girl and sometimes girls confuse me too.

[Guest superhero ♥]

Hey lovelies,

Have you ever been in a situation with your mother when she was supportive about your new bf when you first started off, and then few months after she gave you the awkward "talk" and told you not to lose it incase you dont end up marrying the guy otherwise what would your future husband think of you ? Thereafter shes still been supportive and asks how we are going. And then another year and a half into the relationship with the same guy she gives you the talk again saying you might not marry the guy etc and to not "engage in those activities". Why would a mother say this? Personally i am pretty upset about her negativity towards our relationship but it'd be great if someone could share their opinions D: i dont know how to handle it or if im not supposed to be that upset. Thanks x

[pervert]

Hey lovelies,

Have you ever been in a situation with your mother when she was supportive about your new bf when you first started off, and then few months after she gave you the awkward "talk" and told you not to lose it incase you dont end up marrying the guy otherwise what would your future husband think of you ? Thereafter shes still been supportive and asks how we are going. And then another year and a half into the relationship with the same guy she gives you the talk again saying you might not marry the guy etc and to not "engage in those activities". Why would a mother say this? Personally i am pretty upset about her negativity towards our relationship but it'd be great if someone could share their opinions D: i dont know how to handle it or if im not supposed to be that upset. Thanks x

You said that she has still been supportive about your relationship, so saying that she's being negative towards it as well is a little contradicting. I don't see what she's doing as being negative. She just seems to want for you to wait until marriage to have sex like most parents do. She's not forcing you to wait, and considering she's only asked twice in a span of 2 years, she doesn't seem like she's nagging you or trying to pry either. Don't be upset with your mom for advising you to wait. She probably just doesn't want you to regret giving something that important away in the future. If she mentions it again in the future, you should thank her for caring.

[Guest Milica]

Hey lovelies,

Have you ever been in a situation with your mother when she was supportive about your new bf when you first started off, and then few months after she gave you the awkward "talk" and told you not to lose it incase you dont end up marrying the guy otherwise what would your future husband think of you ? Thereafter shes still been supportive and asks how we are going. And then another year and a half into the relationship with the same guy she gives you the talk again saying you might not marry the guy etc and to not "engage in those activities". Why would a mother say this? Personally i am pretty upset about her negativity towards our relationship but it'd be great if someone could share their opinions D: i dont know how to handle it or if im not supposed to be that upset. Thanks x

Not a big deal, my mom used to tell me all the time I'll never find a good Chinese husband if I lose my virginity before marriage! Haha, parents are just set in their traditional ways, they don't really know how times have changed.

[Guest Mkoll]

So, i have a bit of a complicated question but I'll try to simplify it as much as i can.

I have been dating a smart, beautiful, and funny girl for the past two and a half years.  We share almost everything in common except for that i am outgoing and at times a tad reckless, while she is conservative and at times a tad shy.  The part I would really appreciate advice with is that on several occasions she has said that she felt she was not good enough for me, and that I should date one of the girls who are apparently waiting in a line behind her.  I do not mean to sound headstrong in any way, and i have never noticed (nor cared to) any other girl overtly flirting with me or hitting on me.  

I try to be as supportive as i can, and do everything I can to boost her confidence and be a good boyfriend: the occasional fancy weekend date, gifting chocolate on a regular basis, cooking a full dinner for her every now and then, and of course telling her (and meaning it) I love her every night.  The depression is starting to grow difficult to deal with, though, and at times just annoying.  How can i boost her confidence to show her she's better than that invisible line?