Ask The Fellas

[Guest Andreas1]

ok so i used to like this guy in elementary school then  i just lost interest because i didn't like the way he looks like right but now 3 years has past by and i am regretting not telling him that i used to like him. so if i were to tell him that i liked him from before how would he react? also is i t bad to tell him after three years that i liked him in elementary school? like he will only talk to me if i initiate conversation first or else we barely talk but i wanna tell him that i used to like him so would that do anything or should i leave it and move on?

I don't think it serves any purpose to tell him you liked him 3 years ago...If you like him now then tell him you like him now. If he likes you too or has some interest then I think he will react favorably.

[Guest I.is.Happy]

Fellas, if you have a gf...how much time do you spend with her? vs How many hours do you spend with your friends?

My bf believes that I should spend more time with him than with my friends. I beg to differ...more like a good balance of the two.

What do you guys think?

[Guest]

From how you describe your guy and his background, he seems like a considerate fellow and has conducted himself as such. Until his actions and words prove otherwise, I would simply take everything he says and does at face value. If he felt a certain way, he would say or act on it. If it was against what he was thinking or had in mind, then he wouldn't say anything or act/react along those lines. Since your guy seems honest and straightforward, I don't think you need to overthink scenarios in your head.

Thanks again! I'm trying not to over think. We talked again and it seems he is overthinking a lot of what if and worst case scenarios. He says he wants to make a wise choice and take some more time; also he expressed how he originally wantedto be best friends with the girl before becoming exclusive. To be honest, that's what I had wanted also before meeting him~ I'm leaning towards the belief that he wants to take more time getting to know one another (seeing eachother at church activities twice a week & also dates) before he asks the question

@I.is.friendly

I'm a girl buy I agree with you! There should be some kind of balance, I think. Your life shouldnt be centered around your BF only. Hang out with your friends too (and family)! As for whom to spend more time with... I wouldn't really "calculate" persay. ^^;; just hang out! No need to break things down into percentages. Just do and hang out with whomever you would like to and whenever you want to. (: if your friends have dates, maybe go on a double date or something.

[Guest Siweonn]

Re-reading your post, some different thoughts popped into mind~ bleh too jet lagged lately.

Sounds like he either hasn't thought very far about where he wants to take this or is indeed just looking for a fling. You should bring up the issue of whats going to happen with the two of you once he needs to leave. His reaction should be fairly telling.

As for consummating the relationship, if it doesn't feel like he's rushing you, then he's probably genuine. Just don't expect any commitment unless he says he wants an LDR regardless of whatever ends up happening.

mmm okay i'll try to bring it up lol i don't want him to think i'm looking for a ldr or anything though i just want to know what he wants to do

thank you sooo much !!! (:

[Guest HERMIT]

Thanks again! I'm trying not to over think. We talked again and it seems he is overthinking a lot of what if and worst case scenarios. He says he wants to make a wise choice and take some more time; also he expressed how he originally wantedto be best friends with the girl before becoming exclusive. To be honest, that's what I had wanted also before meeting him~ I'm leaning towards the belief that he wants to take more time getting to know one another (seeing eachother at church activities twice a week & also dates) before he asks the question

The fact that he's taking a lot of time to take things into consideration is a good sign. But an even better sign is that it sounds like he's confident enough to express what he is thinking with you. I hope you are capitalizing on that fact and reciprocating with your own thoughts, ideas, and wishes. It's cliche, but yes - communication is key. The more you each feel confident in confiding with each other, the stronger you build a foundation towards a potential relationship. So when you talk, it might be constructive for you to also be candid about your own concerns and doubts. This not only helps him understand you but it could also in some ways help alleviate his own concerns and doubts. And in the end, if things don't ultimately don't work out - you at least can say that you put everything out on the table and you both tried. But considering that you two seem to be the kind of people that are rooted in faith, I think you guys are progressing in the right direction. Best wishes.

[Guest alucard454]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 months now. And lately he seems really busy with family, friends and studying. I think that in his life I'm the 4th priority. I guess I'm fine with it but sometimes I just feel that.. I'm taken for granted. In his life its family, friends, study and then me. It hurts in a way I guess. A few days ago we hung out because we barely see eachother and can only talk on aim. But then one of his best friends called him and said to watch transformers with him. He chose to go watch it with his friend and left me alone. He had his reasons though but still. It hurt. It hurt that he chose his friend over me. And I barely talk to him so it's hard. What do I do? I talked to him about this and he said he would try harder. But I just don't know. I feel like I put so much effort into our relationship while he doesn't do much.

[Guest HERMIT]

@alucard454:

I'm sorry to hear about this problem in your fledgling relationship of 2 months. I think in the grand scheme of things, your placement in his hierarchy is way too low than it's supposed to be. If anything, I would imagine that you should be at least ranked higher than his friends. It's a shame that they seemingly take precedence over you in his social life.

You know, in the working world there are things called performance evaluations. Periodically, workers are graded on their performance - and if they fail to pass muster in some aspects of the job, they are typically counseled verbally on how to improve. And as a means to ensure that there's improvement, it is incumbent of the supervisor to continually measure and record whatever progress or failures are achieved since the time of that performance evaluation. Quite simply, if the performance measure is not met by a certain period of time, then the employee could then be subject to termination.

I only bring up this analogy of performance evaluations in the workplace, not just for you but for a lot of other posters here in general that have L&R issues of their own. It may be a simplistic model - maybe too ideal of a model for such a subjective area such as L&R - but the basic foundation and premise of it has valid applications in the way people can methodically address their unique issues of the heart. The problem, however, always lies in how well a person can stay true to carrying out this model without allowing their emotions to get the better of them and forcing them to stray away from their objective - which is, to improve the relationship to the point they envision it.

So, to roll all this ideology back onto your specific problem at hand - sit back and think about what you really want to see out of this relationship with this guy. Think about what is acceptable as well as think about how much you are also willing to compromise on various relationship issues. When you've done that, you'll have basically defined for yourself a sort of performance standard you come to expect in a relationship. Once that is done, consciously see it through - after all, that is what will make you ultimately happy and satisfied, right? Of course, compromise is always a factor as certain things in your life change over time. But the main point is to always stay mindful of the parameters that you know for sure will make you happy and satisfied in a relationship - because they will be the guideposts on how you can measure your partner's 'performance'.

With that said, begin by talking to your boyfriend specifically about everything with which you have issue: what exactly are his priorities, where does he rank you in his hierarchy, where you think you should rank, and why you are dissatisfied with what the status quo currently is. Go into what you would want to see (not hope) and ask point blank if he thinks he could meet your needs. Gauge his answers and be mindful of the level of compromise that you are willing to extend (as mentioned before). If you've already talked to him about it and he has his reasons, are these reasons truly acceptable to you? Is your level of compromise such that you are willing to tolerate acceptance of these reasons? And if all he's said is "I'll try harder", then hold him to it and ask what exactly does he mean. Or maybe more to the point, what does "trying harder" mean to you? Set a performance standard. Do not settle for ambiguity because then there would be no 'performance' to measure - and without anything concrete, you're again left with ambiguous results, no real solutions, and your back here on Soompi asking another L&R question. So with that in mind, think seriously as to what 'trying harder' really means. Does it mean seeing each other more? Or simply seeing you at least relatively more than he does his friends? Or will the mere increased level of attentiveness at any level (texts, phone calls) really suffice? Do you think it's necessary to quantify his performance - or are you confident enough to be able to measure just on the quality of his actions? In any event, once you have a definitive picture of what you expect, the easier it is to measure. And since your measures are based upon your core values and expectations, then it should be easier to come to a conclusion should he not meet up with those measures.

And if he fails to measure up to the performance? Well, then that's the time to make the hard choices, to seriously consider cutting ties and breaking things off. Again, I concede that this comes off as idealistic in execution, but at its root it can be just that simple if you remain focused and clear-headed about what you want. After all, in the business world - failure to meet up to performance standards usually results in one's termination. And what's worse, failure to enforce performance standards and allowing for subpar and unacceptable performance inevitably could lead to the overall failure of that business as a whole.

So just as it is in business, so too can it be in relationships: Know what your standards are, express what they are, assure that they are met, and enforce with conviction the obvious action in the event they are not met.

* Sorry for the long-windedness. I guess rather than this being a specific reply to your problem, it ended up being just a post in general to anybody that might find my little analogy somewhat helpful. *

[Guest pacific_blue]

edited: deleted

thanks for the reply!!

[Guest HERMIT]

^ Well, for now you can only take him at his word. You'll only be able to better gauge how understanding he is when he comes face to face with you and you can see just how he reacts to your surgery. But chin up, I'm fairly optimistic that he's on the up and up. I think a more telling sign of if he had certain reservations about your procedure would be if he hedged with how he responded and made somewhat more skeptical comments. But for the most part, he's commented positively and moreover he even asked about when you can go out again. That's not necessarily the kind of statement a person would say if they actually harbored some reservations about you and your new appearance.

[Guest AMIbunny]

yesterday, i wrote on my boyfriend's facebook "I truly think you are the best boyfriend in the world."

One of our mutual girl friends liked it, and my boyfriend liked the comment as well. Today, however, actually just an hour ago i saw that he deleted it. I asked him why.. he said "It makes me look whipped...like a slave. No one talks to me after you posted that" I told him i thoguht he wasn't gonna care about what I post on his facebook as long as its not derogatory. he said 'its not a big deal why are you so upset?!"

but it does make me upset..... my guy friend said that my bf is effed up for saying that to me. i dont know what to do.....

[Guest Andreas1]

but it does make me upset..... my guy friend said that my bf is effed up for saying that to me. i dont know what to do.....

That's pretty rude, I'd be pissed too. Tell him not to worry so much what others think, it's honestly more embarrassing for him to delete it like that. I don't even understand how that comment would cause anyone to think he is whipped, it was a great compliment. I hope you told him that he made you feel terrible just for being proud and trying to show some affection. He deserves a guilt trip for being immature. Very rude indeed.

[Guest baegie-ah]

Remove this post please

[AiriinxKumori]

what can i do to get over this 'jealousy" of my boyfriend's best friend who he lists as a sister? I had issues with being jealous of her in the past and we talked about it and everything so I learn to control myself and keep it in check to slowly get over it. But I just cannot bring myself to like her at all. I'm tolerable of her. She has done nothing wrong at all and I keep telling myself this but it doesn't seem to work. :/

[SunniRise]

Here's my situation, and for those who have seen my post relating to this, Things have changed... dramatically. Thank you if you reply to this (I need to gather all the different perspectives I can so please do reply)...

I have had a friend for whom I held a crush since high school. This crush slowly developed into something more with time and I grew into loving him. He was and is perfect but he was always taken so I could never confess to him my true feelings. After graduation we lost contact, but I would always think about him. However, a few months ago I found him at a friends graduation and we regained contact and the friendship we had grew again. Eventually we arranged dates to see each other and I learned that he was and is my first true love. Yet the timing was wrong because when the doors seemed to be opening for me, he told me he would be leaving for the air force in a couple of months. I didn't hesitate to tell him my true feelings for him, I simply could not make the same mistake of waiting for a miracle to happen. At first he suggested we only do a fling thing... but with time he began to take me seriously. Now to this day I am his girlfriend.

He has confessed to me that he doesn't know if after he leaves things will be the same. I know for a fact that he doesn't love me the way I do. Yet when I suggested that I'd be willing to wait he said it would be nice if I could... he did add however, that he could find some other girl while he's on call, so I would be taking a risk in waiting for him. My love for him is so great that I agreed to the risks because he was being honest with me about the possibilities.

The same could go for me, in the time he will be gone I could find someone else... I however know that this will most likely not happen. During the moments we have spent together he has told me he is very happy with me.

This is the conversation we had regarding me waiting for him:

Him: Yes I would love to have you as my girl, but we both know that it can't happen because of the air force

Me: And maybe I'd be willing to wait

Him: That would be nice but I can't promise I'll be the same guy when I come back

Me: I know things happen and people change... but in all honesty It's a risk I want to take.

Him: and I can't promise I wont find some other girl.

Me: I understand.

Him: Still wanna take the risk?

Me: Yes. Maybe things don't turn out the way I wish, but just remember YOU come first, so don't be afraid to tell me you don't want to be with me.

Him: Thank you so much. I do want to be with you, but I need to get through the air force first because it has always been my dream.

Idk what to make of that conversation... (That conversation happened before he asked me out).

I really do love him and I just want to see him happy even if that means letting him go... even if it's with someone else. That one night I spent at his place he told me he was really happy... and that made me really hopeful.

I'm not sure what this all means. All I know is that he doesn't feel as strong about me as I do about him... So guys... would you mind telling me what you think is going through his head? Is this a game? or does it seem like he really wants to be with me after the air force...?

P.S. I have 5 days left with him before he leaves.. until then I am his girlfriend. He will have Air Force duties for 6 years. That's how long I will wait for him...

[Guest Lismel]

I'm not sure what this all means. All I know is that he doesn't feel as strong about me as I do about him... So guys... would you mind telling me what you think is going through his head? Is this a game? or does it seem like he really wants to be with me after the air force...?

P.S. I have 5 days left with him before he leaves.. until then I am his girlfriend. He will have Air Force duties for 6 years. That's how long I will wait for him...

I'm not a guy but I hope you won't mind if I give my opinion ! (Am I allowed to, or only guys can answer here ?)

I think you are very brave and honest about your feelings, what you want and what you can get. This is really mature and he is lucky to have such a person loving him. I really don't think this is a game for him. It seems to me that he wants to be as honest and true to you, as you are to him. And that means telling you what you already know (that he might get another girl and/or being a complete different person when he come back), and make sure you are ok with. I would tell that he does that out of respect for you, because you deserve it. But maybe the guys will tell me wrong !

I wish you courage, however :|

[Guest HERMIT]

^ What Lismel said.

I have to point out, however, the significance of him originally suggesting that you guys simply have a fling. Knowing that he was going on a long term assignment with the Air Force, this was his initial intention - having some fun, but not getting too emotionally involved. But if what you report is accurate (after all it's coming from your perspective), I think the time spent with you has changed his perspective on things a bit. Whether subconscious or not, I think the feeling that it would just be a 'fling' was still present in his mind. After all, going into the Air Force was already a done deal no matter what. But judging from his consideration and honesty with you, I don't think he's ultimately taken your short time together lightly. He respects you, your feelings, and your well-being. But he's being practical and realistic - not just for his future, but also yours. I think right now he would like to part ways with the mindset trying to stick it out with you - but once you are both out of sight, out of mind - he's cognizant of the possibility that feelings and circumstances change. He probably doesn't want to make any sweeping promises to you - but not so much because he only saw you as a fling, but more because he just simply doesn't know what the future will bring for either of you and he doesn't want to pin his or your hopes up.

[Guest Juri79]

IMO,some questions here have really obvious answers. Let's not waste these guys efforts with questions that we can answer by ourselves ) just saying......

[Guest chocolatepocky]

Guys hate this question: "So, what exactly are we?"

So what are women left with when they're denied a direct confrontation?

Beat around the bush.

Don't pressure him too much, but let him know (in a subtle way!) that you want to make it official.

Drop hints. Drop hint bombs. Drop hint A bombs.

If those hints aren't effective, then you may have to wear the pants and ask him to be your boyfriend lol.

Lol, do guys really hate the question "So, what exactly are we?"? I was seriously considering asking my friend that question because he confuses me so much. I think he likes me and our friends thinks he does too. Recently when we hung out, we would hold hands and put our arms around each other and just kinda act couple-y. I think I've made it quite obvious that I like him too. 

The last time we saw each other was almost a month ago (I've been busy with work and family issues) but I've texted him a few times. I don't know if he's just not a text person or what but I get one-word/short replies from him or sometimes not even a reply at all. 

I'm about to hunt him down this weekend because he has my sunglasses and I really want them back lol. But yeah, the point of this post was just to ask if guys don't like being asked "So, what exactly are we?" 

I'm confused because I feel like I'm getting mixed signals or something.

[Guest bunny-chan]

Hmmm....aigoo, this is hard! I wished I had known about this thread before...yeah, we're not going there. ^^

Anyway, my boyfriend birthday is coming up (in exactly 5 weeks,) I have been dating him for over a year (I known him for a total of eight years), and I want to make this special. He's a pretty sensitive guy...and because I'm generally an insensitive person, I hurt him quite a bit with this relationship (not on purpose...) What can I do to prove to him that I do love him...much, much, much more that I can ever say? Help please 

[SunniRise]

I'm not a guy but I hope you won't mind if I give my opinion ! (Am I allowed to, or only guys can answer here ?)

I think you are very brave and honest about your feelings, what you want and what you can get. This is really mature and he is lucky to have such a person loving him. I really don't think this is a game for him. It seems to me that he wants to be as honest and true to you, as you are to him. And that means telling you what you already know (that he might get another girl and/or being a complete different person when he come back), and make sure you are ok with. I would tell that he does that out of respect for you, because you deserve it. But maybe the guys will tell me wrong !

I wish you courage, however :|

Thank you for your answer.

^ What Lismel said.

I have to point out, however, the significance of him originally suggesting that you guys simply have a fling. Knowing that he was going on a long term assignment with the Air Force, this was his initial intention - having some fun, but not getting too emotionally involved. But if what you report is accurate (after all it's coming from your perspective), I think the time spent with you has changed his perspective on things a bit. Whether subconscious or not, I think the feeling that it would just be a 'fling' was still present in his mind. After all, going into the Air Force was already a done deal no matter what. But judging from his consideration and honesty with you, I don't think he's ultimately taken your short time together lightly. He respects you, your feelings, and your well-being. But he's being practical and realistic - not just for his future, but also yours. I think right now he would like to part ways with the mindset trying to stick it out with you - but once you are both out of sight, out of mind - he's cognizant of the possibility that feelings and circumstances change. He probably doesn't want to make any sweeping promises to you - but not so much because he only saw you as a fling, but more because he just simply doesn't know what the future will bring for either of you and he doesn't want to pin his or your hopes up.

I understand... Thank you for your answer... I was really hoping you would answer my question. I always see you posting and you always seem to be so wise.

I'd still like to get some more perspectives... I'm running on 3 days left to spend with him... it's a fact we won't be together those last days because we just spent yesterday together, and his family has more priority now.