Love, passion and commitment

[MissAria]

Some people say it's being realistic that passion or love does not last in a couple. It takes effort and time to make a relationship work.

Some people state that there is 2, 3, 5 or 7 stages in a love relationship. The first one is always the big passion like the ''honeymoon phase''.

If I take the most simple one as example, the 2 phases are the passion and the companionship.

I know people who had broken up because they find that the passion was gone, but isn't all passion end up to be gone ? In the end, it's their choice how what they choose to live...

Not everybody has the same values or definition of love and commitment. Someone told me if he sleeps with another woman it doesn't mean he doesn't love his gf, but his gf thinks it's because he doesn't love her. 

An individual definition and value of physical and emotional commitment can differ. So, for that person, he loves his gf emotionally, and has no physical commitment.

My friend who has been in a serious relationship for 5 years said love is not the same as the beginning (not as passionate), but they want to spend their life together.

I also had a friend that loved two people at the same time. *sigh* In the end my friend, picked one.

Anyways, some people around me are not very good examples, but I know I want full commitment emotionally and physically. Is it unrealistic ?

What are your values ? What is important for you in your love relationship ? What is commitment to you?

What makes your relationship last ?

 

[aresika]

That's because most couples became couples out of convenience or for the fear of being alone hence why most people don't believe in "true love" or soulmates. The world is only as big as you're willing to see it. I know when I was single all my friends say I have "unrealistic" expectation and I just have to "work with what I have" and I refuse to settle for anyone if I don't feel this "passion" or chemistry with. For me, how I can tell whether or not this person is the one I see having a future with, all comes down to how similar our core values and how similar we are all together. For example, I'm introverted, and I know I prefer introverted guys as well, that's just what works best for me, and given my personality type, guys who are more gentle/caring/emotionally expressive and having **similar EQ range as me** (this one is especially important, our EQ compatibility) are possible factors I take into consideration before making any commitment, because I take relationships very seriously, I have no intention of starting one if I can't imagine them in my future. I highly believe that couples having similar core values, long term goals and similar EQ are some key ingredients to a successful and happy relationship. EQ is an important factor because that determines how we communicate with others, and how we express ourselves on a day to day basis, people with similar EQ might have the same sense of humor (dark, witty, sarcastic..etc), emotional mindset, or other philosophical beliefs. Why it took me forever to find the right guy for me was mainly due to EQ compatibility; people with similar EQ can tolerate one another much better over someone with a very large EQ difference. When I'm with a guy and he makes me feel happy, comfortable and I feel like I've become a better person, that's how I know this is the right guy for me, of course this is best when it goes both ways in which both parties would support and motivate each other. Confidence is also a branch of EQ compatibility where "like dissolves like" in which confident people tend to pair up with just as confident individuals and less confident with the less confident. Another thing is communication, again this all brings back to why I believe couples with similar EQ ranges are happier because they would understand and relate to each other better; it's not just about talking it out with your significant other when there's a problem, you want them to be able to absorb that and do something about it to make things better, otherwise it's back to square A again. I'm sure there are instances when you tried explaining something to either parents, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend and you try your best to logically reason out everything and they talk their share and at the end, you feel even more frustrated than the point of origin, again this all has to do with EQ compatibility. It's not really anyone's fault, but simply those relationships are not deemed as too compatible.  

As for the passion, how long it lasts depends on how much effort the couples are willing to put into creating some spark in the relationship. It does get tiresome if it continuously goes one way, so in order to make the relationship work in the long run, both parties should contribute their share. This isn't limited to adding sparks to a relationship, but everyday household duties, managing finances, etc...Although you can never be truly equal, but striving for that equality or balance is what will make the relationship stronger. 

Most of my friends have been in a long-term relationship with the same person they dated way back in High School, and they even admit they're just not as passionate or doesn't really feel any spark in the relationship anymore, but they are willing to spend the rest of their life with that person, hearing that just makes me cringe. I think a lot of people fear to be alone, or if they break up, they fear they won't find someone just as good as the last, pride/ego thing unwilling to admit their relationship has failed, etc... hence majority of the population all hold on to that relationship, thus leaving those that are single extremely hard to find the right people, because people are in relationships for the "wrong" reasons! 

A side note when it comes to expectation, yes everyone wants that ideal or "perfect" partner, but not everyone can get one of those. In some way or another, we tend to end up with our equal halves, either just as good, or just as bad; hence there is this debate on being able to tell what a person's like based on who they date. They may not be the happiest couples, but there's a reason why they're a couple and there's some form of attachment they depend on each other for. As a rule of thumb, whatever qualities I wish to seek in a mate, I make sure to have those same qualities in myself. An exaggerated example would be, if I want someone who is tall, handsome, chivalrous, great personality, rich, etc.. I ask myself, am I tall, good-looking, classy/elegant/refined/lady-like, have a great personality and rich? and if my answers are yes, yes, yes, yes and yes, then those are not what I'd call unrealistic goals, because I'm at least their equal in opposite gender. However, if the majority of the answers are "no"s, then the probability of one finding such partner decreases. How realistic your expectations are is highly subjective, you might see it as something realistic, but your friends might see that it's unrealistic, and as long as you **sincerely** feel it's something within your capacity and is not shooting for the moon, it is not unrealistic no matter how crazy it may seem to others because no one knows what you want more than yourself.

Wanting someone fully committed to yourself only, from experience, I find guys are easily hooked onto girls who are confident, interesting, upbeat, kind and considerate. You can say those traits are appealing for both genders. Before you invest in someone or get to know others, you first have to be self-aware and invest in oneself, making you the best version of yourself (marketing). Interesting is relative, you have to find what makes you interesting, your little quirks, what you like, what are your outlook on things, you could be smart, intellectual, sporty, I guess the more well-rounded the better? Again, all of these traits are characteristics of someone with higher EQ, people with high EQ do tend to be highly appealing to others, whether in friendship, colleagues or romantic relationships, because those people know how to keep things interesting and make people feel happy (I am not talking about sucking up to others or giving insincere compliments/flattery) and comfortable/at ease at the same time. If you gravitate towards a certain person among your group of friends (male or female) because when you're with this person you feel at ease, you can just be yourself, say what you want and not feel like they're judging you, they lighten your mood, you have a lot of fun, and they make you feel good about yourself or you feel you're becoming a more confident and better person when you're with them, that person probably has a pretty high EQ. I guess that's sorta the *secret* to a happy long-lasting relationship. Luckily, EQ is something that we accumulate, adapt and can improve on over time. 

[raymondc27]

It's better to have loved then to not loved at all

[lycma]

I reckon marrying yr True Best Friend with insatiable Love helps being committed to the Love & passion, and whole point of Soulmate is it can't be shared with 3rd-wheelers hence, '"my Other Half' and not 'my many flings'. It won't be Love if either plays around no matter what BS excuses they make.

Hubby/Love needs to be yr BFF outside the bedroom because u can't hv sex all the time and romantic love will mostly fade into the background of real life marriages for most working couples (i'm not talking about rich married couples holidaying the world without their kids). If u don't hv support to babysit yr children both of u will doze off no matter yr sincere intention get some 'lovin' later after a hard day at work. Most will get off the typicalised Hollywoody/K-drama romance&passion and settle for the mellowed down versions eg snuggles infront of TV, holding hands in parks/shopping malls [watching the kid(s) infront], joyriding [while pretending the kid(s) ain't in the backseat]...diluted romancing (still beautifully effective to me)  

REAL Love makes u do and endure all sorts of things (even when u don't want/have to): eg

(a)  without him asking, i give my Hubby credit whenever i do deeds for the inlaws (eg buying necessary things for the inlaws like rubber tiling the inlaws' house then saying i was instructed by Hubby to do so);

(b) withstand humiliation/annoyances [eg getting b---hy stares from women working in the hardware store looking at my paint and dirt-stained face and jeans during DIY renovations while my Hubby was at work, or take unjustifiable/unreasonable naggings from mother-in-law (MIL) without my usual smartass rebuttals etc...];

(c)  communicate what u/he want/need (even if u gota repeat, rinse, fold & repeat at yr sea-gulls hearing Hubby/Love) [yes, unless u'r that lucky, don't expect True Love to be yr picture-perfect gel-haired up Prince Charming with ears of a dictator and initiatives of a royal Butler...he's gona be yr own Aragorn with wind blown hair, scars and all, and at times very much the adorable 'Donkey' from Shrek];

(d)  always watch out & protect him even if i was on my last leg [eg assisting the unappreciative MIL overnight with her toilet trips together with my Hubby after she broke her thigh bone right on the day my Hubby returned from 1-week outstation trip while i cared for our infant solo (Hubby, Baby & i sleeping on a mattress on the floor near her bed because 2 pairs of tired hands carrying her to the commode were better than one of us collapsing the next day) and me showering her the next day]; 

(e) etc...   Corny cliche but all other characteristics needed to do what needs to be done come from ever-fighting for real Love, not romance or sex...well maybe so u can hv extra thank-u-sex thereafter (if u aint too tired out by then).

Without insatiable Love, once u loose that "Spirit to fight" for yr Love,  it's then easier to surrender to Life's hardships with him when he is no longer worth fighting for (with/out kids) and/or either go astray:  it's "Thanks Mate", finito, sayonara, "Adios Amigo", Amen, RIP.

For those still inlove with philandering infatuations, only they can get out of their wormholes because frankly, do "Plenty of fishes out there", "Yr true love will come when u least expect", and "There is someone out there just for u"  really help anyone still stubbornly infatuated?

I reckon don't go out there actively looking for Love, try being true buddies with guys 1st because the core foundation of his personality is honestly established without the facade of the 'romantic chase'...then the rest is wink-wink-oink-oink   

How to keep INSATIABLE Love can only come from within: Mindset vs "Fate of Soulmates"  ¿?

[Guest]

On 1/8/2017 at 11:49 PM, MissAria said:

Some people say it's being realistic that passion or love does not last in a couple. It takes effort and time to make a relationship work.

Some people state that there is 2, 3, 5 or 7 stages in a love relationship. The first one is always the big passion like the ''honeymoon phase''.

If I take the most simple one as example, the 2 phases are the passion and the companionship.

I know people who had broken up because they find that the passion was gone, but isn't all passion end up to be gone ? In the end, it's their choice how what they choose to live...

Not everybody has the same values or definition of love and commitment. Someone told me if he sleeps with another woman it doesn't mean he doesn't love his gf, but his gf thinks it's because he doesn't love her. 

An individual definition and value of physical and emotional commitment can differ. So, for that person, he loves his gf emotionally, and has no physical commitment.

My friend who has been in a serious relationship for 5 years said love is not the same as the beginning (not as passionate), but they want to spend their life together.

I also had a friend that loved two people at the same time. *sigh* In the end my friend, picked one.

Anyways, some people around me are not very good examples, but I know I want full commitment emotionally and physically. Is it unrealistic ?

What are your values ? What is important for you in your love relationship ? What is commitment to you?

What makes your relationship last ?

 

 

- I understand you and feel you.. we all want full commitment physically and emotionally. not we are that not realistic. but we want it all nothing less ahahaha.. 

but sometimes reality is not as ideal as expectation  

 

- values? I don't have.. mmm

 

- commitment is to commit until you die to 1 person

 

- merciful heart? 

[greenman82]

Loved and commitment should be together.