Need help to figure out how to stop feeling sorry for people who make excuses.

[kimchicecream]

How do I stop feeling sorry for people who make excuses?

I need some advice here or some tips.  Now I know the importance in feeling sorry or having empathy for others.  This is a real gift everyone should develop and to apply to their lives sincerely.  However, there comes to a point where balance and harmony must be adhered to for a happy life.  If a person should be able to feel sorry for another, the same person can also not feel sorry for certain individuals.  We can all see how the soundness of this statement is true.

So, I would like to save the discussion, for why and how it is important to feel sorry for people who make excuses, for another time.

What I need council in is to discuss when it becomes unhealthy for oneself, to repeatedly feel sorry for people who make excuses; and what are the feelings and thoughts one should have to begin detaching -- emotionally and psychologically -- from people who make excuses, and thereby resulting in not feeling sorry for them -- that is to say, not having sympathy or empathy for them.

Feel free to write about personal experiences, or case studies, about situations where you effectively dealt with someone who had the habit of destructive excuse making.


Summary:

1.  When does it become unhealthy for oneself, to repeatedly feel sorry for people who make excuses?

2.  What are the feelings and thoughts one should have to begin detaching -- emotionally and psychologically -- from people who make excuses?

3.  Write about personal experiences where you effectively dealt with someone who had the habit of destructive excuse making.

[Guest]

excuse making is a defence mechanism for people. most people don't want to be responsible for things, and of course there is a reason for everything.
excuses are ok if it is the reason why something did or didn't happen. for example, you wake up, but you are lazy and you hit the snooze 10 times. then u drive to work, but there is traffic. you arrive late, but would have made it on time if there wasn't traffic. so you explain that TRAFFIC was the reason why you are late.
technically this is true. but it is an invalid excuse because the real reason why you were late, that you didn't wanna fess up too. was hitting the snooze 10 times.
if you do everything right, and something totally out of your control happens, then an excuse is perfectly reasonable. so what you need to work on is distinguishing a real excuse from one that is just made to cover up the person doing something wrong. hitting the snooze when u gotta go to work is wrong. you kno wits wrong, its not a mistake because you know u should get up the first time but you dont. 
i find excuse making to be way more promanent in the western society. in Asian societies there is a concept of taking responsibilty, even if it wasn't completely under your control. in the US there is an epidemic of high confidence low discipline. which means young people are being told anything is possible, and that they are smart and special from a young age. BUT they are not taught well, they are not disciplined, they are not taught to deal with failure, so that once they do fail at something they give up. they MUST make an excuse because they think they are hte best at everything. in other cultures if you are not good enough you accept that fact, and you say you are sorry, that you will get better. this is the mind set that comes from highly competative and realistic cultures outside of the united states.
detatching emotionally is usually a sign of weakness. you are too weak as a person to "deal with it" so you your mind desensatizes yourself to it. this is why some soilders, gangsters, refugees, poverty stricken, etc etc people seem hardened, but when something breaks though, they suddenly break down as they realize they need to deal with their issues instead of shutting down. so my advice is not to be one of those weak people simply shutting everything out. embrace the struggle, the frustaration, the stress. and work through it diligently.

[kimchicecream]

PuccaloveU2 said: Are there any other people you've talked to about this?

[kimchicecream]

ajlee613 said: so my advice is not to be one of those weak people simply shutting everything out. embrace the struggle, the frustaration, the stress. and work through it diligently.

[kimchicecream]

Yes, of course.

[radiocat]

Interesting.
Just read the post, i dont know your agenda but i will just give my opinion on how i perceive it. 
Are you a yes woman? people pleaser or facing passive aggressive people?

First i feel that one should not change oneself for a particular experience but to identify the mistakes in why he or she allow that to happen if he or she is not comfortable with it. The point is not to let it repeat again. 
Well if you have already been hurt by something than i suggest you to face it, accept, and forgive be sure it wont happen again by being conscious, well its easier said than done.  Theres a book Power of Habit which i think may help.
My honest suggestion would be to accept your innate self which you are most comfortable with, while learning skills against particular situations or people to add on to what you are but not changing the foundation of yourself.

Actually i could just sum of my whole point as "let go of your feelings and think about your own happiness" but i dont wanna sound insincere. I mean since you can empathise with others pretty well i am sure you are sensitive enough to know if someone is tryna take advantage of you so the point here really is you are already making the decision for yourself by allowing/ not allowing it.

[kimchicecream]

Hey guys, thanks for your time and well thought out insights.  My thoughts are pretty much in harmony with yours.

I also recognized the need to disallow manipulators from crossing one's boundaries, and didn't allow their "red herring" array of excuses distract me from following my intuition -- which was based on the above positive and proactive perspectives.

There is somewhat a fine balance between being too aggressive with this, but it is worth exploring.

[raymondc27]

It takes more effort to learn to understand bs then to bs. Choose what you want to believe as long as it makes you happy.

Btw does kimchi ice cream taste good?

[kimchicecream]

Haha... I'm still waiting for Baskin Robins to make a kimchi ice cream!

[raymondc27]

Lol thrn we will need beef flavor to go well with the kimchi

[Guest jammer25]

I see this a lot when dealing with other people for my own company. A lot of BS, lack of accountability, false respect for your time and effort...you name it. Most people are ultimately looking out for themselves, and couldn't care less about what you get out of something. Excuses are just a way that other people avoid the actual problem or issue at hand, or even to put the onus to fix something on you (even if it wasn't your fault).

It's really a constant learning experience - you're never going to have everyone and everything figured out. However, you're always going to have to "play the game" to some extent (whether in business or life in general) and the challenge is to balance your own interests with those of others while maintaining workable relationships. There are just so many layers these days to people's images and their actions, that all you can do at the end of the day is make sure you thrive with you and yours under whatever moral/emotional/social compasses you choose to espouse.