Ask The Fellas

[Guest HERMIT]

@atomato: In order to start over, you have to resolve yourself to forgetting about the past and focusing on the future. As well, when the slate is clean you also have to understand that you can't instantly command trust and respect, it should respectively have to be earned all over again. To me, that's what 'starting over' truly means. To bring up things from before in an argument isn't truly progressing. It's still living in the past. And if it didn't work then, I can't see how you can make it work now in this manner. If you want to give this second chance a real go, you have to let the past go. Build the 'new' relationship on the merits of each of your concerted efforts to truly turn over a new leaf.

If you each can't philosophically resolve yourselves to that approach, then yes - maybe you should give up.

[Guest Shellsforyou]

What does it mean when a guy calls a girl a hoe? It makes no sense to me.

[Guest HERMIT]

What does it mean when a guy calls a girl a hoe? It makes no sense to me.

Well, I suppose it depends upon the context of when and how it's said.

There's many ways for it to be interpreted given the situation.

But generally speaking, I think it's just plain offensive and disrespectful to the girl and should be taken as such - never mind if the guy tries to spin it otherwise, ie. "I meant it affectionately"...

[odaesan]

What does it mean when a guy calls a girl a hoe? It makes no sense to me.

It means that he thinks you're a garden tool. It doesn't make sense to me either.

[prechuz_azn]

I have a small crush on my coworker but he is really different than me.

He is the "gangster/hood type" and I'm whitewashed and a bit of a geek/nerd.

I don't even know why I'm attracted to him but I think it must be all the flirting

we do and the laughs. :] He is super cool and considerate of my feelings.

The problem is...

his ex works with us too and she got super pissed off the other day when we were

flirting in front of her. I don't really know what to do because she is also

the same coworker that has been bullying me to no end these past couple months.

She called a "truce" to me earlier in August but I think thats shot to hell now that

she witnessed me flirting with her ex. I don't know what happened because I am usually

walking on eggshells when I'm around her so I don't really interact with her ex much when she is around.

Also, does that make me two-faced if I act reserved to the guy around her but really flirtatious when she's not

around?

I don't know what to do! Should I just treat the guy like my other coworkers? I

am severely afraid of the girl because she is super mean.

[Guest andyfull]

What kind of atentions guys like??? how to be best frined with guys??

[odaesan]

Don't flirt with him when he's taken, working with you, and you're working with his girlfriend. It's obvious.

It's professionalism in the workplace. You keep relationships separate from work and bizarre love triangles are the worst when it comes to work.

It's not good just because you enjoy it in the moment. You are hurting his girlfriend and that in turn will hurt you.

Empathy is a great tool. Think about what's happening from his girlfriend's point of view. If you do get together with this guy, this same situation may happen to you.

[Guest Gofishus]

so there was this guy at work.. and i really liked him and i thought he liked me.

we would sit in the parking lot for HOURS till like 4AM/5AM and just TALK.

he invited me to his games and would only invite ME and tell me not to invite anyone else from work.

we went to movies together and he just acted and treated me differently.

he didn't talk to any other girls at work besides me.

i'm a strong christian, so he would say "we should go to church together" and would talk about how 'great of a guy' he was.

like how he doesn't drink and how much of a family guy he is..

i was really falling for him and then i found out he did NOT like me.. he was only doing these things cuz he knew I LIKED HIM.

i found out he's actually quite a player and sleeps around with a lot of girls at work.

i guess he liked the attention/ wanted to play games and see how far i would go.

THANKFULLY i never said out loud that i liked him & we never did anything.

do guys normally do this or is he just a richard simmons bag?!?! should i be more wary of guys? i'm so shocked that he'd do that!!! i'm losing hope in men

No, he's just a richard simmons bag. Some guys are jerks, and some are genuinely nice people. Hope you can tell with more experience.

[Guest HERMIT]

@prechuz azn:

Just to further add on the "professionalism in the workplace" as odaesan mentioned is to consider some of the regulations against sexual harassment in the workplace. If the ex-girlfriend is as mean as you say, she can possibly file a claim of sexual harassment against you and the ex boyfriend because your open flirting with him was seen as offensive and upsetting to her, thus affecting her productivity on the job. You never know, if it gets on her nerves that much, she just might resort to this kind of a tactic just to make your lives at work terrible. (Meanwhile, if this same girl is also bullying you at work, you have a right to file grievance as well.)

Generally, romance in the workplace is not usually a good idea and typically frowned upon by businesses if it can be helped. But to try and foster a romance when some other coworker was a former love interest of one in the couple involved, you are just playing with fire.

If it can be helped, I think you should try and reconsider your position in this - if not cease from entertaining romantic notions towards this crush of yours.

[prechuz_azn]

Don't flirt with him when he's taken, working with you, and you're working with his girlfriend. It's obvious.

It's professionalism in the workplace. You keep relationships separate from work and bizarre love triangles are the worst when it comes to work.

It's not good just because you enjoy it in the moment. You are hurting his girlfriend and that in turn will hurt you.

Empathy is a great tool. Think about what's happening from his girlfriend's point of view. If you do get together with this guy, this same situation may happen to you.

What in the world...did you actually READ the post? Its his EX as in PAST GIRLFRIEND. So uh...

you might want to redo your entire post, odaesan.

I would never EVER play the homewrecker card, I am classier than that. :/

@HERMIT - Alright dude, its not your fault that you don't know but uh..I don't work in an office or a company or anything. I'm a sophomore at a university studying nursing and I work at Wendy's on the side to pay for gas and have some pocket money. Its nothing too serious if I get involved with the guy because there are already 2 couples that work at Wendy's with me. The general manager doesn't care who hooks up with who as long as productivity is high. So...yeah.

Can you answer my other question?

[odaesan]

What in the world...did you actually READ the post? Its his EX as in PAST GIRLFRIEND. So uh...

you might want to redo your entire post, odaesan.

I would never EVER play the homewrecker card, I am classier than that. :/

@HERMIT - Alright dude, its not your fault that you don't know but uh..I don't work in an office or a company or anything. I'm a sophomore at a university studying nursing and I work at Wendy's on the side to pay for gas and have some pocket money. Its nothing too serious if I get involved with the guy because there are already 2 couples that work at Wendy's with me. The general manager doesn't care who hooks up with who as long as productivity is high. So...yeah.

Can you answer my other question?

I posted that before 8 am. Sorry, but my entire post? No. You're in the workplace. Even if you think it's not a serious place, it is a serious place. I think the reason that you are afraid of her is more because you're working in the same place. You're confined to the same spaces and whatever happens there will affect you.

If you really want to be with this guy, make it happen outside the workplace and keep your interactions in the public and your interactions in the workplace separate. This also helps with the other girl because it won't need to be in her face when she has a task at hand. She's getting angrier because she keeps getting reminded that it's done between them.

If you can't practice professionalism, she will feel that it also does not apply to her even though bullying and flirting are different things.

[Guest yang.runyu]

if a girl has really bad acne, would that prevent a guy from wanting to date her?

the reason I ask is because the condition of my skin fluctuates a lot. for a month or two, it can be really nice and smooth and my acne scars look really faded. other times, i just get this huge acne breakout, it's concentrated around my lip and chin area so it makes everything look worse because it's at the centre of my face. would a guy care about a girl's skin?

[Guest HERMIT]

@HERMIT - Alright dude, its not your fault that you don't know but uh..I don't work in an office or a company or anything. I'm a sophomore at a university studying nursing and I work at Wendy's on the side to pay for gas and have some pocket money. Its nothing too serious if I get involved with the guy because there are already 2 couples that work at Wendy's with me. The general manager doesn't care who hooks up with who as long as productivity is high. So...yeah.

Can you answer my other question?

If you mean the question of should you treat this guy like you treat the rest of your co-workers, then yes - back off from the flirtations and strictly keep things kosher in the workplace. The reasons why are already outlined in my previous answer: due to the risk involved that your actions can be perceived as encroaching upon the aforementioned harassment guidelines. I understand that you work at a Wendy's - but seriously, that doesn't make them any different than any other company, big or small. Check your employee handbook, restaurant operating manual, or ask the managers themselves - I guarantee that sexual harassment guidelines are in place at the business at which you work. Granted, I'll give you that your work environment is probably lax and tolerable of all kinds of things, such as those two couples working in the establishment already. But the key thing to understand here is that the existence of these couplings are not creating a hostile work environment of any sort. Presumably, everybody doesn't care and everything is cool - even on up to the general manager. The big difference between that and your situation however is that this ex-girlfriend apparently is NOT cool with you messing around with her ex-boyfriend - and all it takes is for her as one rotten apple to spoil the whole lot and make things not only miserable for you two but potentially for these other couples and the future of other possible 'hook-ups' in your particular workplace.

Mind you, what I'm suggesting here is being merely technical in business practice and may not actually happen. But this doesn't mean that the possibility doesn't exist. Just playing devil's advocate, suppose you and the guy continued to carry on with the open flirtations in the workplace. If the ex-girlfriend was really smart and wanted to make your lives miserable, she can reasonably say that she feels offended - and therefore harassed - by your open displays of affection with this other coworker. Too much PDA. It may sound like such a BS thing to complain about, but it is incumbent for management to seriously consider any legitimate complaint and take consequent measures in resolving it. Or, another way to look at it is this: maybe things gradually deteriorate in the workplace to the point that you guys don't cooperate with each other as you should or you come to openly arguing with each other. At this point, management would have to definitely view it as a hostile work environment where there's evidently no optimal productivity being achieved. Disciplinary action would certainly have to be taken, up to and including termination - if the manager decides that nothing can be resolved because the parties involved are too adversarial in continuing to peacefully work together.

In any event, it's up to you - if you think the risk/reward is such that you want to go for it anyway, then do it.

If you think you can manage flirting with the guy while the ex is not around, then so be it if that is a better way to preserve the peace in the workplace. Like you said, the two of them are broken up and not together, so the guy is free to do as he should please. I don't see how that makes you two-faced in your actions. But since you also state that this girl is super mean, I still suggest that you just treat the guy like you would any other coworker. I mean, who knows to what lengths she might go to try and 'ruin' you in the event that she finds out what you've been up to behind her back. She might try to get you fired.

[odaesan]

if a girl has really bad acne, would that prevent a guy from wanting to date her?

the reason I ask is because the condition of my skin fluctuates a lot. for a month or two, it can be really nice and smooth and my acne scars look really faded. other times, i just get this huge acne breakout, it's concentrated around my lip and chin area so it makes everything look worse because it's at the centre of my face. would a guy care about a girl's skin?

It really depends on each guy. If you are asking if there are some who wouldn't care, then I'd say yes. It's not like all the guy is going to do is press his face onto your face. It wouldn't prevent me if I liked her.

[MrPower]

So guys, I need your help.

I'll try to keep everything short and easy to understand.

There was a woman I met who randomly struck a conversation with me in one of my classes last semester.

Well, this was drawing towards the end of the semester, and nearing the finals... With everyone scrambling to study and get their stuff together. She ended up sitting next to me, even with her friends next to her. She introduced herself, and asked a bunch of questions about me, and started playing around with my phone and complimenting me, etc. while basically ignoring her friends. She is definitely my type, but I didn't respond back during this time because I was getting over a breakup. (btw, she never spoke of anything related to the class we were in together).

Right now, I'm over it, and I see her around campus from time to time, but I don't even remember her name (I'm terrible with names). How the heck do I approach this without seeming like a creeper? I'm usually the type to never care about this, but my gut feeling tells me something different this time.

Should I even approach her? What the heck would I start off on?

[odaesan]

It would be much easier to approach her if you remembered her name. If you want to wing it without even remembering her name, then you need to adapt and hope that there is no moment in which you must say her name.

By the way you describe her, she initiates the conversation, so just find approach her when she's not in a hurry and hope she continues to initiate conversations.

It's a little risky because it mostly depends on her, but it seems that you have a good chance.

[Guest nengcoffee]

If you started spending more time with a younger girl that you never considered as a 'woman', and you ended up cuddling with her at the beach at night, would that make you think more or think differently of the younger girl? 

[Guest nyan.nyan]

What does it mean if a guy wants you to sew/knit something for them? Do guys just in general want something handmade from any girl?? and what if he already has a girlfriend and still asks you to make him something? I don't consider handmade gifts to be casual!! What do you guys think?

[Guest Illicit]

Would you continue to date a girl if you don't like her anymore (just as a friend now)?

[Guest HERMIT]

If you started spending more time with a younger girl that you never considered as a 'woman', and you ended up cuddling with her at the beach at night, would that make you think more or think differently of the younger girl? 

Sorry, nice try Chris Hansen.

Seriously though, if I don't literally consider a girl a 'woman', then I have no business messing with her.

What does it mean if a guy wants you to sew/knit something for them? Do guys just in general want something handmade from any girl?? and what if he already has a girlfriend and still asks you to make him something? I don't consider handmade gifts to be casual!! What do you guys think?

Yeah, I wouldn't consider it a casual request either. If you are accomplished at sewing/knitting things and your reputation preceded you, then I can see how somebody could ask if you can make something for them. If you were just "any" girl, then I'd imagine that you'd be compensated for the special request of your services. I mean, I think it would be the decent thing to do. But to just ask for something out of the blue like that without giving anything in return just seems not only weird but also rude.

Would you continue to date a girl if you don't like her anymore (just as a friend now)?

As a decent human being, no. No sense stringing her along or lying to myself.

But if there is someone that is doing this just for the companionship and with no romantic intentions whatsoever, they should at least communicate this to the girl so that there are no misunderstandings.