Relationship with parents strained because of different views...? (They're really racist...)

[Guest gisellaaa]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but since this is the 'love & relationships' part of the forum, I guess that also counts for relationships with your parents. 
Okay, so my parents and I have extremely different views. For one, they are quite religious while I am not. That's where many of the problems arise. They also hate everything I am interested in - for example, I love Korean and Japanese culture (not anime/manga though). They hate anything Korean or Japanese because they have this close-minded nationalist mentality that the best Asian country is Indonesia and the rest of the countries in Asia are just shi_ty. So I never show them my interests - even (for example) when we're eating out and I suggest a restaurant that looks delicious - as soon as they find out that it is a Korean/Japanese restaurant they turn up their noses and sneer. 
Yet they preach and fall in love with anything European or American. My mom even named me and my sister after European names and designed our homes to look like a typical 'European-style' home. I respect my parents' interests in Western culture, but they don't respect my interest in Asian culture. They want me to only date and marry an Indonesian guy within my religion. They want me to become a petroleum engineer and sneer at the idea of becoming a biomedical engineer (my dream job). They want me to do tons of other things and for most of my life, I've complied with everything. But slowly, I am getting sick of their never-ending list of requirements needed to satisfy them. The problem is that they are not open-minded. 
They are one of the most racist, close-minded, hypocritical nationalistic people I've ever met. They dislike anything that isn't Western or Indonesian. Everything else is garbage to them. They are rude, and not to mention has one of the worst manners in the world (specifically my mom - my dad is more open-minded, but my mom is just.. god I can't stand being around her). 
For example, a few months ago they found out that I was getting close to a Japanese guy, they started threatening me (for hell's sakes I wasn't even going to date him or even plan to marry him wtf). Then they started saying things like how they were going to disown me because I was getting close to him - because he was not from my culture/religion. They started threatening me by saying they were going to contact his parents and made fun of me in front of my whole extended family ("Guess who's going to marry a <censored> face person? (My name)! Can you believe it? A Japanese guy?). My whole family then continued to make fun of me and shame me so now I don't talk about him at all and avoid the topic/idea of Japan at all costs. I even stopped getting close to him just to keep the peace in my family. 
My parents are batsh_t crazy. Each year, our relationship gets strained because of our differing views. I don't know where I have failed them. I keep my grades up, stay out of trouble (I hang out with friends around once or twice a month at the most - sometimes I even just stay at home for three months without going out at all!), I don't drink/party/smoke/have sex/do whatever 'bad teenage things' that many other teens are doing at this day and age. I am polite to adults, and I'm sure many parents would be happy to have a daughter like me. But my parents always tell me that I am the worst, that I am the most sickest terrible daughter to ever grace this earth (they remind me every single day by comparing me to their friends' kids and saying things like "I wish I had a daughter like her instead of you"). 
The problem is, what now? I am going to graduate high school next June 2015 and turn 18 in October 2015. Even then, I still have to depend on my parents until I graduate university and get a job. That would be another 5-6 years before I land myself a secure job and be completely independent from my parents. I am sick to death of them. I hate having to suppress my feelings, having to give up my social life, having to hide my personal interests and emotions just to please them for the past 16 years of my life. I want to be free to express my emotions, to express my freedom of thought, to express my hobbies and interest. I envy my parents' friends who support their hobbies and interest fully. I don't know what to do. Talking to them nicely won't do anything. Fighting won't help either. They are stubborn as hell. 
I'm not happy. I hate my life. I want to be happy. I hate being restrained by this 'boundary', I want to be free to express myself. But at the same time, I still have an obligation to my parents as a daughter. I am conflicted, I have this obligation to be a good daughter for them since they've put a lot of hope and effort in me but at the same time I want to live my life and be happy. I don't know what to do. I am lost.


Mod Note: Edited out your parents' quote, it was a bit too awful for Soompi.

[Guest IaMsEo]

There are many people who are waiting for freedom just like you. Some longer than others, but your time will come. If you put all that drama aside, you'll realize that in the end, you make your own decisions, your own happiness. You don't need to hate your life because of them, you have a life to live, places to explore, experiences to enjoy. You don't need to be offended by everything they say because they will never change. It's best if you just wait it out and deal with them for a couple more years. I know parents can put a burden on you to be a certain way, but don't hate your life. You will always be their daughter whether you like a different culture or not, you will never lose that title. Be yourself and do what's best for you. Everything will be okay.

[Guest Kerriganton]

Yes, your parents are batshit crazy as richard simmons.

However, not sure about the term racist here. I think more like prejudice or bigotry would be better here. Since I am thinking that Idonesian are Asian and Japanese/Korean are Asian too.

Same race, different ethnicity. 

[halfmoonsmile]

I'm sorry I don't have any real advice for you. My parents weren't really strict though they weren't that lenient (like I missed out a lot of times with my childhood bestfriends because my mom wouldn't allow me to go to their houses for a sleepover.) I still resent them for that. You seem like you still love them despite hating their way of thinking.  You still want to satisfy their demands. You're going to have to rebel a little to prevent yourself from going crazy. By that I mean you should still pursue after your own interests and try not to let them find out. Unfortunately we can't choose our parents but we can still choose our own destiny.

As for them berating you, you're going to have to accept that's just Asian parents. Whenever my mom gets upset with me for some dumb reason (and trust me, there are a lot of dumb reasons), she just goes off calling me pile of dog poop and how useless I am.

Remember your parents love you despite not respecting your own interests. Maybe they have their own reasons for not liking other Asians that are not Indonesian (not that it's okay to call other people racial names).

When I was young, I rebelled in my own ways like not showing up to first period classes or skipping classes. Although, I wasn't doing it because of my parents, it was because I was going through a rough time and wanted to be alone. You should befriend any person you want like that Japanese boy for example.

[Guest xlila]

You don't have to depend on them after you turn 18, if you're really that sick of it, then you should move out and live independently, pay for college, etc on your own. Not sure how it works where you're from, but there's usually loans for school and if your grades are good, colleges generally give you a lot of financial aid. The thing is, you have to choose between dealing with that and having their support or being independent and cutting them out, if you're willing to do either of them, since it doesn't seem like there's a middle ground. 

[singlebilingual]

I have uncles and aunts who were like your parents. A lot of my cousins are in interracial relationships now. One aunt threatened my cousin for marrying a guy of the same ethnicity just because he wasn't wealthy. My cousins gained the courage to date whom they wanted to when they got older. They were all threatened by their parents. Turns out that the parents were just bluffing. After their parents got to know their boyfriends/girlfriends better, they started to accept them. Once your parents realize how prejudiced they're being, they'll start to change. I myself wish that I ignored my parents' bluff and I wish that I went on with someone who was attracted to me. I regret it to this day.

The fact that you know that your parents are wrong when they're wrong shows how mature you are.

[Guest Kerriganton]

singlebilingual said:

I have uncles and aunts who were like your parents. A lot of my cousins are in interracial relationships now. One aunt threatened my cousin for marrying a guy of the same ethnicity just because he wasn't wealthy. My cousins gained the courage to date whom they wanted to when they got older. They were all threatened by their parents. Turns out that the parents were just bluffing. After their parents got to know their boyfriends/girlfriends better, they started to accept them. Once your parents realize how prejudiced they're being, they'll start to change. I myself wish that I ignored my parents' bluff and I wish that I went on with someone who was attracted to me. I regret it to this day.

The fact that you know that your parents are wrong when they're wrong shows how mature you are.

[singlebilingual]

Kerriganton said: singlebilingual said:

I have uncles and aunts who were like your parents. A lot of my cousins are in interracial relationships now. One aunt threatened my cousin for marrying a guy of the same ethnicity just because he wasn't wealthy. My cousins gained the courage to date whom they wanted to when they got older. They were all threatened by their parents. Turns out that the parents were just bluffing. After their parents got to know their boyfriends/girlfriends better, they started to accept them. Once your parents realize how prejudiced they're being, they'll start to change. I myself wish that I ignored my parents' bluff and I wish that I went on with someone who was attracted to me. I regret it to this day.

The fact that you know that your parents are wrong when they're wrong shows how mature you are.

[Guest Kerriganton]

singlebilingual said: Kerriganton said: singlebilingual said:

I have uncles and aunts who were like your parents. A lot of my cousins are in interracial relationships now. One aunt threatened my cousin for marrying a guy of the same ethnicity just because he wasn't wealthy. My cousins gained the courage to date whom they wanted to when they got older. They were all threatened by their parents. Turns out that the parents were just bluffing. After their parents got to know their boyfriends/girlfriends better, they started to accept them. Once your parents realize how prejudiced they're being, they'll start to change. I myself wish that I ignored my parents' bluff and I wish that I went on with someone who was attracted to me. I regret it to this day.

The fact that you know that your parents are wrong when they're wrong shows how mature you are.

[Guest writerstale]

@gisellaas: In a world where the vast majority want to follow what European Americans do, or be just like a European; and not have an identity of their own I appreciate you greatly for having a mind of your own, and using that instead of dating  and living for your parents; or other people. Was literally on a date last week and was told I wasn't European American enough to date her and I thought WOW what is this world coming to.

[raymondc27]

live your life, remember your family and parents aren't going to end with you but your potential husband has a chance. they have to realize that their dreams" of doing things aren't of what you wish for. Most parents want to implant the dream they had into their children because they didn't have the chance to. i would have a nice talk to your parents and talk about history and maybe they'll change their mindset on racist slurs. 

[Guest cristolephe]

This reminds me of Ozu Yasujiro's movie late spring. Sadly, in the 21st century, this still happens....If parents realize that their children are the ones to choose who they love, not them.
What I mean is, the parents control their children's love lives when they want to live as they wish to. In the movie, I believe the girl doesn't want to get married yet but her father pressures her into getting married. I haven't watched it in a while, I kinda forget.
It's a classic movie. But unlike the protagonist, this is the 21st century, once you're an adult and independant, it's up to you.
Though the only problem is financial issues which I guess you may or may not need to depend on your parents afterwards.

[davidjaylee]

This is a very common mentality, I've read about it in many books and seen this kind of relationships in real life. I have this issue with my mother who is somewhat racist towards white people (Despite the fact she is half white) and two of her children (including me) are 75% white. She is always trying to push me towards dating black women and being more black (?). Often telling me I need to be around more black people or I don't act black enough.

My advice to you is live your own life, you only get one and shouldn't waste it being someone you're not. If you truly hide what you like then it will eat at you that you have to hide your interests. Which might make you feel guilty about lying when or if your parents ever catch you with Japanese stuff or talking to Japanese people. See no one has an obligation to be a good child, a good child for any parent should be a child that is truly happy and since you are not happy then you're not doing your job correctly. Forget about what others think or say about you and just be yourself. If they can't handle you being yourself then tell them how you truly feel or leave.

Do you really want to live like that any longer?

There are many opportunities out there like Study Abroad programs

[singlebilingual]

Kerriganton said: singlebilingual said: Kerriganton said: singlebilingual said:

I have uncles and aunts who were like your parents. A lot of my cousins are in interracial relationships now. One aunt threatened my cousin for marrying a guy of the same ethnicity just because he wasn't wealthy. My cousins gained the courage to date whom they wanted to when they got older. They were all threatened by their parents. Turns out that the parents were just bluffing. After their parents got to know their boyfriends/girlfriends better, they started to accept them. Once your parents realize how prejudiced they're being, they'll start to change. I myself wish that I ignored my parents' bluff and I wish that I went on with someone who was attracted to me. I regret it to this day.

The fact that you know that your parents are wrong when they're wrong shows how mature you are.