Is It Wrong To Be Disappointed Over A Present?

[BoAFriend]

So this girl and I have been close friends for...wow, almost 6 years now. We've never been past the line of friends, but we were definitely best friends at one point and although we're not as close as we used to be, we're still pretty close in that we understand one another the most (compared to our mutual friends and separate friends).

Well when it came to birthdays and Christmas, we used to get each other gifts, and I feel we were always on the same level of gifts. Meaning one person would never give something substantially less or greater in value. Pretty much our gifts showed thought and consideration.

July happens to be the birth month of myself and this friend of mine. Hers on the 14th, mine on the 26th. A week or so prior to my birthday, she came up to where my school was to visit me since I go to a school by the beach and also because I was in summer school and couldn't find time to see her on the weekends since she had work. She'd been dropping hints for a few months now as to how she wanted a college pullover hoodie from my school and pretty much was hinting at a possible birthday gift. I'd been kinda "eh" about the idea because I felt it was strange that she never gifted me anything the year before (while I did gift her) yet she had the guts to openly ask for me to buy her something (and mind you, these hoodies are not cheap. We're talking $60). So when I went to purchase the hoodie, I called and told her that I would expect a gift from her for my birthday too, since I was buying her something quite pricey and also because she didn't buy me a present the year before while I did for her. She agreed.

Well my birthday came and went and I was finally able to meet up with this friend this past Sunday since the weekends before I was busy studying/finishing up summer school while she was busy with work. She said she had my gift for me and I was excited, but she had this very sheepish look on her face and kept nervously chuckling, saying how it "really wasn't anything big" and that it was something really "simple". She had packaged it in a Little Brown Bag from Bloomingdale's, complete with some wrapping paper inside to conceal the gift, which seemed pretty small. I wanted to open it on the spot but she kept having that "hahaha don't" type of behavior, instructing me to open it once I was home. We hung out and went out to get drinks and called it a night.

So when we parted ways and I got into my car, I opened up my present. And honestly...I shouldn't have been surprised by the way she was acting, but I was disappointed to be honest. My friend got me a plain white V-neck t shirt. Yeah I know, a gift is better than no gift, and I'm sure people have received worse...but I was disappointed because the shirt showed no time or consideration. And given by the folds on the shirt, I feel like it was a shirt she pulled out of those 3 or 5 packs. The brand of the shirt was not bad (Polo Ralph Lauren), but I don't know....I just didn't feel the effort at all, and the shirt paled greatly in comparison to the $60 university pullover hoodie that I had gotten her.

Now I know our circumstances were different in that she told me exactly what she wanted whereas I didn't tell her anything particular I wanted, but I mean...I thought that's how gifting between friends was supposed to be - by surprise. More importantly, they're supposed to show some form of thought.

And also, two years before for my birthday, she got me a cookie jar. It was a Lego cookie jar, but I was kinda "...what" when she got me the gift. I hope it's not me that's expecting too much or something (because I'm not) but I feel that gift showed no meaning too. Like...what am I supposed to do with a cookie jar, you know? Yeah, no sh, put cookies in there, but really now? I don't know...just seems to me like the gift was super random and again, didn't show thought (where as for example, I've gotten her Domo seat cushions for her car, Domo key chains...all because I know she loves Domo and that she will use these things).

So I just wanted some input and thoughts on the situation. Is it wrong that I'm disappointed over this present?

Thanks

[MrPower]

Is it wrong? Consult your own morality on what dictates wrong or right.

She may be using you, or perhaps she isn't financially well off? If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be disappointed, but take everything for what it is.

Think of it this way: Don't have great expectations, and you'll be more grateful about everything. Don't think everything in terms of "equals". A gift is a gift and should be appreciated for what it is. Don't compare things according to monetary value.

[BoAFriend]

Is it wrong? Consult your own morality on what dictates wrong or right.

She may be using you, or perhaps she isn't financially well off? If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be disappointed, but take everything for what it is.

Think of it this way: Don't have great expectations, and you'll be more grateful about everything. Don't think everything in terms of "equals". A gift is a gift and should be appreciated for what it is. Don't compare things according to monetary value.

Maybe it's just me (or the friendship I have with her), but I just think our gifts need to be more or less on the same monetary level because I've found that my gifts to her are always more expensive and are things I know she'll want/like whereas the gifts she gives me are always random and not on a same monetary value. And that's what leads me to contemplate as to whether or not I'm being used.

I know finance is not a big problem for her, but I mean what matters most to me is that her gifts show SOME form of decent time/consideration, instead of something that could have been an impulsive grab or even a second hand.

[Guest lilvanillaxo]

I'm with you on this one. I think she is in the wrong. From what I read, it honestly sounds like she is using you. I will give you my reasons:

1) I understand that some people may not be financially stable. But if you are in no position to purchase a gift for someone, then you should not be hinting or asking for a birthday gift.

2) A plain white v-neck is very very thoughtless. If she has known you for six years, then she should know what you like and at least put some effort into finding a good present for you. Oh, and a cookie jar? Seriously?! It sounds like she grabbed something last minute for your present.

It just doesn't seem fair that she would have the nerves to ask for a present and then not even put any effort into picking out something for you. It sounds like she's using you, to be honest. She can use you to get something pricey that she wants while she can give you some BS gift and get away with it.

[fabrications.]

I'm not made of money, so when my best friends gave me gifts, I could never really give much back. I've always felt bad because of that. On another occasion, with a different friend, I really put in my effort to do something and surprise her; I even got other people involved to help me out. But when time came to my birthday, all she said was "happy birthday" and although she promised to do something later, she never did. I don't even remember talking to her much that day. I mean I had gotten a lot of stuff that year compared to years before and it was great and I'm very very grateful, but not having the same gesture returned from someone who considered me "close" was kind of, well, disappointing and upsetting. When it came to some of her other friends' birthdays though, she sent them stuff and even compiled videos. So I was just left standing there all awkwardly, like wtf. =/ She didn't need to buy me anything at all, I just wished she would have shown more care the way she did with all those other people, who she'd known in a lesser amount of time she'd known me. And then it came to be one of the things that piled up and made me question our friendship.

So I kind of get it. Worrying about the monetary value of something is kind of petty, I admit. But what she picked out did seem kind of effortless (but then again, Ralph Lauren!! XD). Maybe she didn't know the hoodie costed so much? I think the lego cookie jar was kinda cute though! I would have liked that better than a plain Ralph Lauren t-shirt, no matter how much lesser it had cost, to be honest. Does she know the kinds of things you like? Have you ever hinted anything to her?

[Guest HERMIT]

I understand your disappointment, but when it comes to gifting I don't think you can really expect to reap what you sow. If what you end up buying for your friend is something expensive, that's on you. It's a gift after all and nobody really is putting a gun to your head to buy it. But if you feel that the level of gifting has to be reciprocal in nature, then that's not really gifting - it's just trading. Some people just have their own motivations and rationale as to why they gift the things that they do - you really can't come to dictate what they ultimately want to do with their own money, however much or little that they have. Maybe she has a certain reason to have gifted you a tacky cookie jar and a plain white v-neck t-shirt. Or maybe she just plain doesn't have good taste. (Speaking of which, to have seemingly demanded that she get you a gift was a little tacky and in poor taste as well. How you were able to manage that and her actually agreeing to it, I don't know. Perhaps the fact of the gift being a t-shirt is a subliminal message of a "payback" nature? But I digress.)

In any event, you now have a 'track record' of her gifting history to go by. This next go-round of gift-giving, it's up to you how you will approach what gift to get her.

Just remember the old adage, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Well, she's actually got you 3 times: cookie jar, no gift, t shirt.

If you are sincerely in the spirit of true gift giving, you'll simply just get her something that you want to give her, free of prejudice as to what happened in the past or what you hope to get in return.

But in regards to whether it's "wrong" or not? Well, I guess in summation I don't necessarily think you're wrong to feel disappointed. If you don't like the gift, you don't like the gift. But I think it's inherently wrong to have expectations of equal reciprocity.

[Guest ms. rachellica]

i do feel that she's in some form using you, because she is directly asking you when she hasn't given you anything in return for the year before. she could've put more thought in the cookie jar idea by putting something in it. she could also be just a really bad gift giver tho.

[BoAFriend]

Thanks for all the input, guys.

Yeah, 6 years of friendship isn't nothing. Trust me, she KNOWS what I like. And although she obviously has no way of buying me a freakin 335i coupe or something, she knows I'm easy to please with small things too. She KNOWS what small things work for me (chocolate, hair wax, even a CARD). Back when we first started getting close, she and this guy friend of mine (a mutual friend) bought a card with their own personal messages to congratulate me on high school graduation - that gift meant so much to me. Sure it was no v neck t-shirt, but it meant way more because of the thought and meaning behind it.

And I'm not about to unload 6 years' worth of friendship on here (although I have made numerous threads about problems I've encountered with her. Haha don't go searching) but I've had a rocky history with this girl, actually. Pretty much a lot of people have cautioned me in being friends with her because (*DRUMROLL*) - she uses people. I've pretty much gotten in lots of fights with her about her not paying me back money and stuff (it recently took her 6 months to pay me back a measly $20. Keep in mind she works 7 days a week, so money shouldn't be that big of a deal) but yeah. But I lost a lot of high school friends due to petty issues (not money related at all, BTW) and I've figured to start giving people the benefit of the doubt and just being more trusting (yeah, a dangerous choice, I know). I've tried to be the bigger person, but I mean at times (such as this), I find myself going "WTF, man."

But yeah I'm disappointed with the gift. Have any of you had a similar experience?

[fabrications.]

^Yep, I'm sorry man...but no matter how long of a friendship it has been, if it sucks, it sucks. And when you let her go, trust me, you'll realize just how much negativity you've freed from your life. Save yourself from even more years of disappointment (and losing all that money).

[Guest lexiie]

I don't think it's wrong to be disappointed, but like others have said - it's not a case of give and take. It's a gift. I'd be disappointed, though. Assuming financially they're stable, if they don't reciprocate I feel pretty bad.

On that note, I have had a similar experience with a girl friend of mine, with gifts too. People told me she used people, but I never saw it so it didn't bother me much. Since we were in school, for Christmas and birthdays we'd just hand each other cards and chocolate, until we both got part time jobs and from then out it was just pretty much one sided gift giving. I give her a cute soft toy she wanted, she gives me one of those $2 photo frames, etc. Eventually I got irritated and now we're back with cards and chocolate.

While gifting isn't a case of what's fair and equal and what's not, there IS a point when it's just obvious that the other person is half-assing it. You can either talk to them about it (which is kinda really awkward), or you just bring your gifts down to their level. Even if they do hint. If they want something, they'll have to outright ask, so you have some say. Otherwise, you're stuck between feeling taken advantage of or feeling like she doesn't care about you that much.

[5880]

lol you made me think of the Office

Michael: "Presents are the best way to show someone you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth."

I'd question the solidity of your friendship with her, simply because it sounds like a highly conditional friendship. "You scratch my back, I scratch yours." I'd imagine that a friendship of 6 years would at least begin to reach the unconditional stage.

I will, however, agree that getting a t-shirt (regardless of brand) is the worst possible gift a girl can give to a guy. It's the male equivalent of giving someone a tie, thoughtless and by default. Giving you a $66 dollar gift card to Best Buy would've been better than that.

[Guest kidfromkorea]

yo i give my friends like the worst gifts ever.

ive given christians girls gift certificates from sex shops.

sorry, im not being helpful here.

[Shinobu]

I received pretty strange presents from closest friends I know for 16 yrs. They know too well what I like but it always seems like they never put any thought in getting gifts for me. Doesn't bother me though since I have no expectation. But you know when you give gifts, always give out something nice and good or something that show your thoughtfulness. It's not because you want something in return in equal value but it shows what kind of person you are to your friends. It makes you look good. I personally don't like the gifts giving thing. If I receive gifts, it's a burden for me to return the favor. Most of the time, people don't even give me anything I can use so I end up with a bunch of stuff I can't use but I can't throw away.

[BoAFriend]

lol you made me think of the Office

Michael: "Presents are the best way to show someone you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth."

I'd question the solidity of your friendship with her, simply because it sounds like a highly conditional friendship. "You scratch my back, I scratch yours." I'd imagine that a friendship of 6 years would at least begin to reach the unconditional stage.

I will, however, agree that getting a t-shirt (regardless of brand) is the worst possible gift a girl can give to a guy. It's the male equivalent of giving someone a tie, thoughtless and by default. Giving you a $66 dollar gift card to Best Buy would've been better than that.

Lol, seriously. I mean even if she did give me a shirt...at least have a DESIGN of a sort on it then, you know? And again like I said, because it was plain white and had the oddly familiar deep folds of having been wrapped around a piece of cardboard, it made me ponder if she just grabbed one from a 3 pack of v-necks.

yo i give my friends like the worst gifts ever.

ive given christians girls gift certificates from sex shops.

sorry, im not being helpful here.

Lol I would've liked that. I'm not Christian nor a girl, but yeah. Har har

I received pretty strange presents from closest friends I know for 16 yrs. They know too well what I like but it always seems like they never put any thought in getting gifts for me. Doesn't bother me though since I have no expectation. But you know when you give gifts, always give out something nice and good or something that show your thoughtfulness. It's not because you want something in return in equal value but it shows what kind of person you are to your friends. It makes you look good. I personally don't like the gifts giving thing. If I receive gifts, it's a burden for me to return the favor. Most of the time, people don't even give me anything I can use so I end up with a bunch of stuff I can't use but I can't throw away.

Yeah that brings me to a point I had wanted to bring up in this thread (but it would skew the entire purpose) - I've always wondered about this whole gift giving between friends "policy". It's definitely something that only exists between friends of the opposite sex. Male to male usually don't do this, while female to female do quite often. Call me cheap, but I was never keen on giving gifts to people out of the blue or to show friendship. Only time I really went out to buy a gift was for a guy who kindly gave me rides home my senior year when I didn't have a car. I felt bad because I kinda tagged along with 2 other guys in our group of friends to get rides and I pretty much knew I was using someone in a way and I felt bad but had no way of getting home. But yeah I definitely agree with you on the burden thing. I hate it, so I'd rather be one to not receive presents. I haven't received presents from any friends for years already (on my birthday) and I'm perfectly fine, you know? But like for birthdays I'm invited to, I just give cards where I write a personal message - I feel that says miles more than a cap, electronic device, etc.

[pupluvgurl]

I would be pretty disappointed too. One of my closest friends for my birthday and Christmas gave me only a skirt, she even mentioned that it was a skirt she purchased for herself but didn't want anymore That really hurt me. Little background, we play a sport together and she moved away from my school so I personalized my team hoodie with her name on it and for her birthday I bought her something I knew she would like. Like I would be happy if she bought the skirt for me because she thought it really suited me etc. but it was just something she didn't want. She didn't bother wrapping it either, I saw the price tag on it (it was a clearance item too >.<) and she ripped it off in front of me.

Its not down to monetary value, more of the thought put into it.

Guys look super hot in white v-necks at least, I got a skirt that's too short and is a colour that doesn't match with anything.

[Guest ubjustin]

some people just suck at picking gifts

[BoAFriend]

I would be pretty disappointed too. One of my closest friends for my birthday and Christmas gave me only a skirt, she even mentioned that it was a skirt she purchased for herself but didn't want anymore That really hurt me. Little background, we play a sport together and she moved away from my school so I personalized my team hoodie with her name on it and for her birthday I bought her something I knew she would like. Like I would be happy if she bought the skirt for me because she thought it really suited me etc. but it was just something she didn't want. She didn't bother wrapping it either, I saw the price tag on it (it was a clearance item too >.<) and she ripped it off in front of me.

Its not down to monetary value, more of the thought put into it.

Guys look super hot in white v-necks at least, I got a skirt that's too short and is a colour that doesn't match with anything.

Yikes - that's harsh. I remember in high school, some girls in one of my classes were talking a storm of crap about a particular girl who'd REGIFT things given to her by other friends. It was nasty to the point that the girl would gift to someone and then another girl would be like, "Hey, didn't so-and-so give so-and-so that for Christmas?"

Yeah I think in the end, obviously, the thought is what matters most (like the example I gave of the graduation card my female friend co-gifted me with a guy friend). I guess just depending on your level of friendship and style of gifting, you may come to expect reciprocity in monetary value (in my case I did but only because I gave such an expensive present to her, so I expected more effort on her part for my birthday gift). Yeah, imagine my disappointment. I mean, she kept warning me it wasn't much but I honestly did not expect just a plain richard simmons white v-neck. Nice brand or not, I don't know...I just don't see the thought in it. I'm honestly upset the more I think about it. =/

[Guest LeCiel.]

I feel the same way too... sometimes.

I always get my friends unique presents (I sometimes even spend a lot of time searching on the internet on what gifts should I get them and I'd ask my other friends to help me out too.)

Oh and this friend always ask me to buy a certain thing for her birthday, but I never received any present from her Haha I didn't get her any this year though because we rarely see each other now because we now attend different schools.. AND she didn't greet me on my birthday at all

When it comes to me, I get nothing... or just a little thing that looks like they bought the last minute. I guess I should stop giving them unique presents huh HAHAHAHA. 'cause I feel like I'm the only one making an effort T___T I won't even care if it's cheap or expensive, but at least make an effort you know. Oh and I've known those people for years too, they know what I like and everything. One time.. it was my friend's birthday and she was sick so she didn't come to school. (I even brought the presents and put everything on my locker rofl) So I just decided to visit her to her house without her knowing (Surprise? ) I gave her lots of things with cool things that are her fave colors, then a jar full of notes that I wrote for her, then a frame that has our pictures in it (which I edited professionally on photoshop and developed on the same day) and a lot more, but my birthday came and I just got a frame with no picture in it I don't really use frames, but it's okay, it says my nickname there anyways. ^^

Oh well, haha.

[Guest sus]

its clear that u see her more of a friend than she sees u

u shouldnt expect her to buy u like good gifts just cos ur buying her one.

i mean u didnt havent to buy the hoodie for her.. that was ur choice

yes we all get disappointed in gifts but ya get over it cos u stil got a gift.. dun have expectations...

[judii]

gifts aren't meant to be given so that you get something for equal value in return..if it's like that you might as well buy w/e you want yourself, rather than waiting for someone else to buy it for you.

Just a question - had you wanted to buy the present in the first place? if not, even if she had been dropping hints you shouldn't have gone and bought it.

Personally, when I go gift shopping I get excited at the thought of them opening the present and being really happy or being able to choose something someone might like. If it gives you that kind of feeling when you're buying a present, then you wouldn't be expecting something in return but you did it because you really appreciate your friend and want to celebrate their birthday and make them really happy for the day.

And I just edited this cause I read your other replies, if she's treating you like crap and you've had all these problems with her, you wouldn't exactly call her a close friend would you? so i dont understand how you still bothered to buy what she asked of you O_o