Girlfriend says I don't take enough "initiative"

[Guest papermoon1]

what shes asking of you isnt to just do certain deeds, but to change the way you are and how you go about things. i feel you on the situation, but it seems perhaps you really should work on it for the better, on an individual level.

most women, i believe, desire somewhat of a fatherly figure in their man, subconciously or not. meaning you, the bf, should be capable of fully supporting the two of you, which includes making executive desicions and taking responsibility accordingly. this doesnt mean you have to control everything to your standards, but situations may come where she expects you to be a little more "initiative" as she says, or rather more courageous.

buying her gifts, doing sweet things may be a plus but really wont help adress your problem. you have to allow her to rely on you to get things done, and keep things interesting. plan out a few dates or a few events and go through with it. you plan, you drive and you pay for the events, and after awhile YOU can ask her how she feels about the relationship, instead of the other way around.

[RiderKamen]

People may disagree with me but I'm just going to put it like this.

It sounds like the both of y'all aren't going to change until y'all want to.

Overall, there's just differences.

What I find funny is when people (the girlfriend in this case) beat a dead horse. Its like she knew what she was dealing with but continues to throw it in the face. I wish people (men and women)would stop doing that.

[Guest ihasfairydust]

Lol whoa whoa whoa, okay. I literally signed up just now to address something of utter importance..

"if u think about it why would girls want a bf its cuz they like guys their interested in men not women if we wanted to be a man then we would all be lesbians. "

I am in a same sex relationship with my girlfriend. I'd like to have all of you know, I am the needy one, my girlfriend seems to share similar qualities with the OP. Being a "man" has NOTHING to do with richard simmons okay. It's about NEEDS.. INDIVIDUAL needs. It's about how we were raised and how we grow up and what we expect of people. These expectations are developed through what we experienced in our environment. Take that into account.

Yet, my girlfriend was the one who broke up with ME, the needy one, when I kept accusing her of not taking initiative, or not caring about this relationship at all. (We're together, but that's beside the point.) All her arguments were the same and I found comfort in it actually because she never made excuses.. which meant to me that they are genuine alibis. She said, "you keep saying I don't give a richard simmons, but I do. You need to stop saying that. I do care about this relationship." She even addressed the fact that our definitions of what "caring" is, is different.
She made her intentions very clear: I want you to stop acting like I'm emotionless and I'm like a rock because I do have feelings and you aren't always courteous or aware of them.

One of two things then... she is either emotionally immature, or you need to be more sympathetic. Judging by what you say, you're a highly intelligent person. Yet, if you do feel like there was anything to salvage, you would have sacrificed no question about it. If you really loved her, you would wonder why she thinks you don't care at all. You'd have to wonder why out of all the things in the world, it's YOU who's hurting your girl. You would feel slightly ashamed too, and would not wait around to know what to do. You would have done anything. If it was real passion, you would ask yourself.. "I'm supposed to protect this girl. What is it I'm doing that is hurting her?" Anything in the world could have made her cry and all that richard simmons, yet, it was you in the end who pushed her to her limits. It's not to say she didn't push you too, because she does seem quite emotionally immature. Yet, it's both give and take.

Yes, you cannot change your person. But where is the sacrifice? My girlfriend is like the OP. She is introverted. It's no excuse to say that it's just who you are.. because then her excuse could be that too, that's just who SHE is. When we broke up, 6 hours after she came to my house with Starbucks and chocolates. She stayed for an hour and we got back together by the night. Nothing sexual, just each other's company. That was the sweetest thing I think she's ever done. I make it MY focus to appreciate the little things she does, whether or not she actually intended for them or not. That may be considered looking too in-depth at something, but hey, that's my character. And that's probably your girlfriend's character too.. except she probably is not incapable of looking into what you do for her, but rather, is UNWILLING to see what you do for her.

I recognize it's years since this was posted. So in that case, CHEERS!, to whatever has happened to both of you.

I found this forum because I am, quite recently, in the same position. Except, I wanted to see her side, so I looked up what I accuse her of. Nonetheless, I signed up just to say this:
Being a man or a woman has nothing to do with your needs. So to anyone who says you need to man up.. that's utter richard simmons. What you needed to do, contrarily, was to be sympathetic, understanding (there is no doubt at all that you loved this woman), yet, understand her warped mind and at least sift through to the core to find out what made her tick, why couldn't she see your good intentions, and if anything else, is there something EXTERNAL that you ever considered that made her seem this way? Family issues, past relationships, anything that could have cultivated her and her expectations into what she brought into the relationship? Because if there was, you took THOSE, along with her, when you two got together. You took her for who she was, just as she should have taken you for who you were.

Evidently though, relationships are meant for you to nurture each other, and grow together as people, not just to nurture the relationship itself. The relationship is twofold: maintain the connection and cultivate the people in that connection. Yet, she wanted you to grow, and she wasn't willing to grow herself. That's not give and take. Either way you look at it, it's never give and take.

That's my two cents, you're both on your own separate ways. I just had to say that. It's nothing about being a man or woman, it's about someone's needs, expectations, and their desires in life lol.

[Guest nobody knows]

^you're a year late, my friend

[Guest ihasfairydust]

LOL yeah, I definitely hear that. I just had to rant.. that initial quotation triggered me!

[Guest herrokittay]

Most girls would never date someone with your personality... Unless they are truly independent women who view life as "I live my life on my own and just happen to have a boyfriend." The way you're dealing with this is pretty selfish. This is already your 4-5th "break up" in a year? Don't you think there's a problem there? Yes you have been asking for her forgiveness but what is the point of you doing that if you're not going to change anything. Basically... If that is not the kind of person you are just let her go. This will be an endless cycle. And also, don't say things like "why can't she be happy with what she has" because if it wasn't for her taking the initiative to talk to you, you guys probably wouldn't even talk at all. Most girls are very insecure. A guy might say sweet things but if he doesn't show it... It doesn't mean crap. That why there's a saying "actions speak louder than words." She knows you love and care for her, hence why she stays in this relationship. But if you're gonna make excuses for yourself then just end it now. Nobody HAS to change for anybody. It's a choice. If you don't think she's worth it to the point you're not even showing the slightest bit of effort, what's the point? A man DOES need initiative. That's a really big plus. Or else it feels like IM the man in the relationship. No thanks. Step it up or just move on. You should update us. I wonder if this cycle is still continuing.

[dolceandgabbana]

I absolutely hate it if the guy doesn't take SOME initiative!!

[mintcracker]

I made 99 percent of the effort in a past relationship. And the reason I stayed in it so long was cos I loved him. But it made me feel crap, not knowing where I stood. Passive guys that do nothing are such turn offs. Feeling like the man gets tiring after a while.

[Guest Mr-Nice-Watch]

The only reason most of you guys agree with him is because you are all girls.
From a guy's perspective, OP needs to step it up a little but gat damn this girl sounds annoying as hell. I can tell yall right now thatno guy wants a girl that wants them to always be first to do everything. IDC if you bf does that right now cause sooner or later, he's gonna get sick of it.