Boyfriend says he doesn't see us getting married ever

Hi, again.

I posted here recently about problems I had with my boyfriend, but now an even bigger issue has risen. Somehow, we managed to start talking (through text) about how our personalities are just very different in terms of what we want and how we behave in a relationship--him being more friend-oriented and not very "into" the relationship whereas I like to spend a good amount of time (not all my time, but a bit more than half) with my boyfriend. After this, my boyfriend texted me that he doesn't see us getting married ever. I asked him why stay in a relationship that he already sees and end to, and he responded, "Because I enjoy the now. It doesn't always have to be about the future. I enjoy your company now so I'm still with you." This pretty much just tore into my heart. I know we've always had our differences, and while I didn't necessarily "see" myself marrying him in the future, it was a possibility I considered could happen. However, now that I've heard this from him, I don't think I want to waste my time with someone who doesn't see a future with me. I know the typical answer everyone will give is "break up with him," but I was wondering if anyone else had anything else to say about the situation. Advice and explanations would be appreciated.

Extra info:

-We are both 20 and in college

-I don't want to get married now or any time soon, but was thinking about it as more of a possibility for the future

-We've been together for a year and five months

-Neither of us have said "I love you"

if you guys are 20, you are still young. i would say that marriage isn't that big of a difference from dating a long while.

how long have you guys been dating?

he might've just not thought of the idea of marriage cuz you guys are still far from marrying (or at least i think).

so i would say give it time especially if he is still faithful to you and loves you.

if you guys are 20, you are still young. i would say that marriage isn't that big of a difference from dating a long while.

how long have you guys been dating?

he might've just not thought of the idea of marriage cuz you guys are still far from marrying (or at least i think).

so i would say give it time especially if he is still faithful to you and loves you.

We've been together for a year and five months. While he is faithful, neither of us have said "I love you" to the other. We're still saying "I like you."

He isn't worth your time, simple as that.

But since you seem to already know that the majority of opinions will be to 'break up with him', that probably doesn't help. So because you want other opinions, I'll try show you it from his perspective. Perhaps that is just his personality - not looking too far into the future, just living and enjoying what is rather than what will be. He may have had other experiences where he has been let down, where things have not turned out the way he wanted, and so he has this idea that thinking about tomorrow, about the future, is a waste of his time. That this way, he isn't let down, no hopes are crashed, so it could be a mechanism he uses to protect himself.

Also, the use of 'ever' - as girls, we tend to overanalyse things, actions, words. This isn't usually the case with boys. He could have used the word 'ever' with no actual meaning to it. So why say it? Emphasis, exaggeration? It could be those.

I don't know if that helps, but I still think that you should leave.

Good luck!

He isn't worth your time, simple as that.

But since you seem to already know that the majority of opinions will be to 'break up with him', that probably doesn't help. So because you want other opinions, I'll try show you it from his perspective. Perhaps that is just his personality - not looking too far into the future, just living and enjoying what is rather than what will be. He may have had other experiences where he has been let down, where things have not turned out the way he wanted, and so he has this idea that thinking about tomorrow, about the future, is a waste of his time. That this way, he isn't let down, no hopes are crashed, so it could be a mechanism he uses to protect himself.

Also, the use of 'ever' - as girls, we tend to overanalyse things, actions, words. This isn't usually the case with boys. He could have used the word 'ever' with no actual meaning to it. So why say it? Emphasis, exaggeration? It could be those.

I don't know if that helps, but I still think that you should leave.

Good luck!

He is the type of person to not think about the future and only about the now, which is one of the things that are very different about us. I'm not sure if you mean "experiences" as in other girls, but I'm his first real/serious girlfriend. His last girlfriend was when he was 13, I believe, and I don't remember it lasting very long. I think I should leave as well, but I was just wondering what other people have to say about the situation, so thank you for your input.

He is the type of person to not think about the future and only about the now, which is one of the things that are very different about us. I'm not sure if you mean "experiences" as in other girls, but I'm his first real/serious girlfriend. His last girlfriend was when he was 13, I believe, and I don't remember it lasting very long. I think I should leave as well, but I was just wondering what other people have to say about the situation, so thank you for your input.

By "experiences", I don't only mean other girls. It could be family and friends as well - people that could have let him down some way or another, which could have scarred him in relation to thinking about the future.

By the way, if you two have been together for nearly a year and a half, and are still only saying 'I like you', I think that's already an indication of how your relationship is.

Perhaps he just sees all his other college friends partying and having a good time that he feels he is missing out on that?

Has he always thought this way, that he doesn't see you guys getting married? Is it just you specifically or does he in general not want to get married?

It's a risk if you want to stay with him. You could possibly change his mind if you stay with him long enough, or he may never budge. Or you could be like him and just enjoy what you have now for what it is.

Somehow, we managed to start talking (through text) about how our personalities are just very different in terms of what we want and how we behave in a relationship

What kind of "relationship" is one where the couple have serious talks through text?!   

You might think it's a "relationship".  But does he?

Seems like lots of young people these days use the word "relationship" very liberally.  They're only casual dating or just pen pals but the girl will think she's "in a relationship". 

I have a feeling you're the only one in this "relationship" who thinks it's a relationship. 

I agree, he isn't worth your time.

Whats the point of being with someone simply to just like being in a relationship? You should be able to be with someone and see them in your future, maybe not marriage yet, but you should be there. If in the end, say you like someone but it isn't mutual, its better to be safe than sorry and save some future heartbreak.

Sorry if it doesn't make sense, I was trying to word it as best as possible

There's a difference between whether it's marriage he doesn't want right now, or marriage with you that he doesn't want. In both cases, it could just be due to immaturity, but for me, I'd be okay with the first at this age but not with the second.

It's true he could fall deeper in love with you later on; people develop feelings at different rates. Also, he really still is young, especially for a guy. Guys my age want to date a long time before considering marriage while older guys are quicker to take that train of thought.

So while it's easier said than done, you really have to decide whether he is worth waiting for, worth putting your heart on the line for, because he's most likely not going to have an instantaneous change of heart any time soon. The fact that you're asking here makes me think you want to back away from that risk, unless you're being smart and writing this to think things through... but maybe some time away from each other would be best. It's easier to see things clearly that way, at least for me.

As for "I love you"s, while it's important to make your S/O feel loved, people do that in different ways. Again, decide for yourself how much that means to you. Personally, I've said and heard "I love you"s that weren't completely real, and came way too soon. I'd rather be in a steady and growing relationship where those things could come later.

The reason for a serious relationship is so that it leads to marriage. Dating for a year and almost a half a year, I would consider it as becoming a serious relationship. Most of us want a serious relationship so that it does eventually lead to marriage. So why are you wasting your energy into a relationship where the other party doesn't see the two of you getting married? Granted, the thought of marriage is out of your current thoughts because you two are still young, but if he doesn't see the two of you getting married AT ALL, why stay in one? And why is it that you two haven't said "I love you" yet? Dating for so long, there's no development of love at all? Does that mean your relationship have stayed the same since you two started and haven't gotten any deeper? Or is it because he haven't said it yet that made you decide to not say it either? I think these questions, you should ask yourself because it can help you determine where the relationship is at and where it will go in the future (either staying together or breaking up).

I think it's a total waste of time and energy to devote so much into someone you know you're not going to end up with.

It's kind of like playing video games. You can pour sixteen hours a day into Starcraft, but when the computer turns off, pretty much nothing happened in real life. In Starcraft I just 4pooled and won. In Starcraft I did an amazing lurker drop. In Starcraft I made sure as little of my baby lings died as possible. I was the Overmind. I was beyond the Overmind. I was the zerg, and the zerg were me, and I was paving a path towards victory for my people. And then I had to go to class and the computer was off and I realized I just dumped an entire five hours down the drain. Unless you're a pro, or unless you have some intense gaming relationships with your friends where you can hang out and talk about it as entertainment, all your time and energy just ended up coming to nothing.

What I mean is, you're putting all your time, energy, emotions and money into this relationship when you know it's going to end. It's like buying a dog you know is going to run away, except the dog's a person, and the time and energy and emotion and money going into your relationship is going to be at a much higher level than caring for a dog.

Yeah, I don't know how to explain it.

I'd say just stop wasting your time and use your energy focusing it on another area of your life.

Wow... someone who went through something really similar to me. Only it was my ex gf who didn't see us in the future. I had the same mindset you had, "who knows what will happen in the future". I'll tell ya now, it's not worth it. Someone who can't even consider you being in your future just isn't worth your time. There are plenty of other people out there, don't limit yourself.

You guys are just 20. Marriage or commitment talk is scary to some as it is natural for others. As long as things are good now in your relationship, there's isn't much to worry about. Although the 'I love you.' issue surprised me a bit. But he seems to be honest with all his words and actions. He is telling you who he is. If you are okay with that. Then stay. But don't hope for change. If this is really bothering you. Then leave. But I suggest you guys stay broken up that way and not do the back and forth thing. Think about it.

Once again, you're only 20. and it doesn't hurt to be single. Good luck.

Don't waste your time on someone who in the end won't be with you anyway. Throw this fish back in the sea and start nibbling for new ones!

>< Even though he said he enjoys your company, and even though you've been together for more than a year, his attitude totally shows that he's thinking of this relationship as just a fling. He isn't worth your time.

Always believe in a future.

Well you two are still young. And it seems like you two do like each other. If he is willing to commit and be loyal to you, then I think you should give it some time to see where it goes. But if you believe he is just dating you and waiting for something better, then yes you should leave him.

Honestly, if not majority, pretty much all of people's relationships end in failure. If we are basing success as in marriage for relationships, then if you are not financially and emotionally ready for marriage, your relationship will end in failure.

You should ask him what he meant by that. Like does it mean he is not ready, he never wants to marry, or is he waiting for something better?

What kind of "relationship" is one where the couple have serious talks through text?!   

You might think it's a "relationship".  But does he?

Seems like lots of young people these days use the word "relationship" very liberally.  They're only casual dating or just pen pals but the girl will think she's "in a relationship". 

I have a feeling you're the only one in this "relationship" who thinks it's a relationship. 

No, I'm not delusional. We are in a relationship. He asked me to be his girlfriend almost a year and a half ago, and he calls me his girlfriend. And it didn't start out as a serious talk. It became one while we were texting about more casual things.

Well you two are still young. And it seems like you two do like each other. If he is willing to commit and be loyal to you, then I think you should give it some time to see where it goes. But if you believe he is just dating you and waiting for something better, then yes you should leave him.

Honestly, if not majority, pretty much all of people's relationships end in failure. If we are basing success as in marriage for relationships, then if you are not financially and emotionally ready for marriage, your relationship will end in failure.

You should ask him what he meant by that. Like does it mean he is not ready, he never wants to marry, or is he waiting for something better?

I'm not entirely sure, but I'm pretty sure he meant he doesn't see marriage with me. He is also the type of guy who is immature, and doesn't think about his future seriously. He says he doesn't ever want kids and gets a little twitchy at the mention of marriage.

I've had this exact problem before. When I first heard from my boyfriend that he didn't see us staying together for long, it completely hurt me. The next day, I was crying in front of everyone at my church and my boyfriend found out. He came to comfort me and apologize.. but I knew that he really meant what he said. I'm not sure if I'm in denial now, but ever since that incident, I tell myself that every relationship I'm in will not necessarily last. I find it easier to believe that there will most likely be an end to a relationship. I'm still going out with the same guy that told me this and we've been dating for two and a half years now. I can't help but imagine my future with him, but I definitely do not guarantee that we'll be together until marriage either.

I'm not sure if it's right for your boyfriend to have said that.. it seemed pretty harsh to say that he's only with you right now because he enjoys it? It sounds like he's just using you. I understand why you would feel insecure about this, but I guess the only advice I can give you is to try to see your relationships like they won't necessarily last forever, but to get the best out of it while you're in it.

Hopefully that made some sense

Imo, he's not worth your time. Personally for me, I think the point of seriously dating is to find someone to spend your life with in the future, and if he's not planning on marrying you, (I'm going to assume you want to get married etc.), then what's the point of dating him? It's a waste of time.

I know my boyfriend (who's the same age as you are, 20) and I consider marrying each other.. even though it's definitely not in the near future (cause I'm a couple of years younger haha.).

That said, it's hard to leave someone that you care about, especially if you've been together for a considerable time. You could just hang on and hope that he changes his mindset.. but it might not happen, and that's a risk that you'll have to take.

I asked him why stay in a relationship that he already sees and end to, and he responded, "Because I enjoy the now. It doesn't always have to be about the future. I enjoy your company now so I'm still with you."

That's not the right answer. EVEN IF he doesn't want to get married to you, a relationships is rewarding in and of itself. So the answer should be: because I care about you/love you.

Enjoying things => pure selfishness. You enjoy chocolate, presents, things. You don't enjoy people. Unless there is no actual feeling between you other then him getting his rocks off, and the status of having a girlfriend.

I say part ways, but not because he doesn't want to marry you. But because he doesn't care about you.