Ask The Fellas

[Guest ddcee]

whoah :X somehow double posted? Sorry mods! 

[Guest icecream_x3]

I have a small crush on a classmate of mine who always waves 'hello' to me in the halls whenever he sees me. I took the chance to ask him to sadies, and it's been a month. My friends say if he has interest he'd take action. We still have our same style of communication, waving hello in the halls in the mornings and in class we'd be strangers. From me to him, it would be Q&A. From him to me, it would be waving hello. 

I need clarification. Should I be doing something about this relationship? I like him, but we're practically strangers. Some friends all say 'talk to him!' but I don't know how or where to start. I get nervous at the thought of it, and freeze when I'm opening my mouth. & Some friends say if he likes you, or has interest, he'd talk. So which is it? What do I do? I don't want to leave it be and find out he was only shy. I want to approach but I'm unsure.. 

I think waving to people in the halls is very normal. But its a DAILY, thing. I can't put my finger on it, should there be more than just waving a hello?

When one's walking down the halls you don't look SPECIFICALLY to wave hi to someone do you ? To a classmate it would be a greeting. But I feel as if it's different, because its EVERYDAY. We pass other classmates going to class, but I don't notice him waving hello to them. 

I don't understand. & the thing I'd like to emphasize is he WAVES hello & flashes a teeth-y smile-- he doesn't verbally say 'hello'. 

[Guest gangdur]

I only started dating someone for a week now and I am starting to see his true colours. Most of the things he is doing and saying indicates that he has low self esteem but I'm not sure if it's just because it's still early days.

It feels like we discuss about really serious things where we get so wrapped up in it.. it's tiring. He always initiates those kinds of convos and I just roll with it. He is constantly telling me that he misses me and that he really likes me and says that he wishes I would tell him that as well. Tell him on my own will and not because he wants me to. I just feel a bit suffocated sometimes because it's a bit too much.. I like him but I don't think it's necessary to keep reassuring him of that fact.

I don't know, I have been trying to get a better understanding of him and try to reassure him but I feel so drained already. He has mood swings because he is so tired from work and uni most of the time so that could also play a factor. He says that he feels reassured when he talks to me but when we are not physically together, he starts to feel like I don't like him as much as he does etc.

I am getting concerned on what I should do.. I am trying to be patient with him but I am scared that he will always feel insecure when things appear to be fine. What do you guys suggest I do? I don't have the energy to always reassure someone about my feelings.. it just seems like it won't be coming from a genuine place if I have to do it rather than wanting to.

Thanks for helping me out.

[Guest HERMIT]

Sorry to hear about the break-up.  If he claims to "love" you so much but still sees fit to see a break-up through, then it's all just a bunch of lip service really.  If it's worth fighting for, then you work on it - just don't give up.  And that's just what he appears to be doing.  He has no motivation and what's worse, it doesn't really seem to be a priority.  In the end, I guess your both better off going your separate ways.  His need to stay and nurture a relationship is just not there.  And you don't deserve to be in that kind of a quagmire.

I think you're dwelling too much on one simple wave and dissecting it down to no real fruitful end.  Think of it this way - what if it is just an OLD MAN that you see on the way to school that did exactly the same thing to you:  Wave and smile.  What would you think of him then?  Nothing, right?  Just a friendly old man - nothing more, nothing less.  Yet, he's done nothing different than what this guy in school does - so what's the difference?  Why is his gesture of waving and smiling at you any more significant than if an old guy does it?  The difference is that you are projecting your own feelings on this guy.  Perhaps something that isn't even there.  You're already labeling it a "relationship" in your post , yet you go on to say that you are practically strangers and your interactions are only predicated on that simple wave and light convos in passing.  Simply put, you at least went so far as asking him to Sadie's, so that's getting your foot in the door.  But it doesn't seem that you had done anything substantial beforehand leading up to you inviting him - nor did you follow it up with anything after the fact.  It's like you asked a question and dropped the subject.  What can you expect?  He might think by now that you weren't even seriously asking him in the first place.

You pretty much answered your own question.  Get over your nerves and try to engage in a more lengthy conversation with him.  Go beyond your typical Q&A routine.  Moreover, don't just get to know him.  Give him a chance to really get to know you too.  As to how to do all that, that's for you to figure out.  You already know how to approach and ask him questions .... just learn to develop a better rapport with him and try to extend the conversation / interaction.

It seems like you've already "understood" enough about this guy.  Just based on your short account of him, it appears that he does have low self esteem and it is manifesting itself through his clinginess.  So what should you do?  Determine what you want and make a stand.  If you really don't mind catering to his clinginess, then that is one thing.  But if you don't, then hone up to that fact.  If it's bothersome to you, then logically speaking you will never be happy or satisfied with the status quo of the relationship.  So why put up with it?  If this is the case, then resolve yourself to the fact that you will have to make the hard confrontation with this guy.  He's either going to have to shape up and get over his inadequacies or be prepared for the inevitability that his suffocating clinginess will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and eventually push you away from him.  There's only so much reassurance that you can give and he's got to learn to develop some self-confidence. 

I know it's much easier said than done.  But you have to ask yourself - is it the truth?  Then if so, then the fact remains that it has to be done.  If it's going to be hard to get him to come to terms with it, then so be it.  If you are just going to waffle about and not meet the issue head on, then you are not only coddling his inadequacies - you are fostering your continued unease and unhappiness in the whole arrangement.

[Guest akp124]

So... the guy from the gym? We finally saw each other at the gym! Well, actually, he saw me and came up to me. lol We didn't talk much because well, I was sweating my richard simmons off.

He later commented on facebook ( we pm each other a lot now about random stuff) that we should hang out somewhere other than the gym.

Is he just being nice?

[Guest HERMIT]

If you really need to evaluate a situation, remember the context and then try re-framing it in your own mind with a hypothetical - typically one involving yourself, but in the opposite role. 

So, for example:  Imagine that you just wanted to be nice with this guy.  What would you do?  Maybe acknowledge him at the gym, exchange some pleasantries, have some brief conversation.  And then, you probably just go on and continue with your workout.  Maybe you'll see him later, maybe you won't.  But if you do, then you'll probably just do more of the same - exchange pleasantries, yada yada yada.  Sound about right?  That's being civil.  You're just being nice.  Would you consider that a fair and logical assessment of your idea of what "being nice" is?  So if you buy into that stream of logic, then what does it mean to you then if you extended beyond the niceties and suggested that you and him hang out someplace other than the gym?  What would be your line of thinking then?  Well, I'm supposing that you wouldn't go that far unless you had some interest in the guy.  It's beyond just being nice to him.  You want to know more about him.  All pretty common sense, logical up to this point right?

So when you're faced with that feeling of self-doubt and wonderment over a given situation, just try and step out of the situation and visualize what's going on outside of it - look at the whole logic of how things are developing.  If this guy was just being nice then he would easily and simply act and react in only "just nice" ways.  He doesn't have to invite you to hang out someplace else other than the gym.  He's being nice plus the potential of something more.  What that "more" is, only you can find out.  Accept the invitation and meet him someplace.

[Guest gangdur]

Thanks Hermit, I will try to gently handle this. I appreciate your opinion and I agree with what you've said.

[Guest akp124]

Yeah i guess Hermit. But i can't help but feel that he's just being nice just because. It's the skeptic in me. I guess my ex made me doubt every guy that ever talks to me. -.-

[Guest HERMIT]

Yeah i guess Hermit. But i can't help but feel that he's just being nice just because. It's the skeptic in me. I guess my ex made me doubt every guy that ever talks to me. -.-

Aw, well look at it this way:  at least he's being nice.  Maybe it might not mean anything now, but it could turn into something later.  Anyhow, being nice is always a good start.  Just go with the flow and don't try to "predict" things right away.  Just be optimistically hopeful and at least take the steps to help foster that hope (ie. accept the invite to hang out outside of the gym).  See where things go.  But just because you cannot predict something, it shouldn't be cause to abandon all hope and not bother seeking out the possibilities.

[Guest nana544]

Does guys care about their looks? Like if a guy is really good-looking, would he notice that he is or isn't?

[Guest HERMIT]

Does guys care about their looks? Like if a guy is really good-looking, would he notice that he is or isn't?

Haha, of course guys are self aware of their own looks.  We can be vain too.

If a guy is good looking, sure - he'll be aware of it based on reactions from others and can just as much work on taking advantage of that gift.

Hell, I'm not even good-looking and even I care about my looks.  So much so that this is why I've spared everyone for years by not posting a pic here.

[Guest itrayya]

Nana544, i think guys do care about their looks.

guys, how would you feel if a girl on her period stained the passenger seat of your car? or if she was leaking through her pants?

would you tell her???? whatcha gonna do? i'm curious to what guys would say.

i remember my friend's bf was really mature when she leaked or whatever. he quietly and kindly tied his sweater on her waist. i totally respected him after that.

this may sound funny but this happens in real life y'all know.

[zantac_2]

*throws a towel over my helpless friend

now wipe yourself off. you leaking.

[Guest nana544]

Haha, of course guys are self aware of their own looks.  We can be vain too.

If a guy is good looking, sure - he'll be aware of it based on reactions from others and can just as much work on taking advantage of that gift.

Hell, I'm not even good-looking and even I care about my looks.  So much so that this is why I've spared everyone for years by not posting a pic here.

Oh thanks Hermit . On a side not, sometimes I'm curious if you're the old guy in your display avatar picture???

[Guest HERMIT]

On a side not, sometimes I'm curious if you're the old guy in your display avatar picture???

Haha, no.  I'm Filipino, soon to be 44.  I'm not that old and unkempt.  I'm worse.  I'm actually nondescript, average at best, and relatively unexciting.

[Tuffcore]

guys, how would you feel if a girl on her period stained the passenger seat of your car? or if she was leaking through her pants?

would you tell her???? whatcha gonna do? i'm curious to what guys would say.

i remember my friend's bf was really mature when she leaked or whatever. he quietly and kindly tied his sweater on her waist. i totally respected him after that.

this may sound funny but this happens in real life y'all know.

This is a fascinating question. Never happened to me before because it seems like all my cars have been black leather seats. What would be the best way to approach this from a girl's perspective?

[Guest itrayya]

This is a fascinating question. Never happened to me before because it seems like all my cars have been black leather seats. What would be the best way to approach this from a girl's perspective?

^ i'm sure the girl is already embarrassed already so you don't need to add anymore embarrassing comments or questions. i don't think you should just ignore it too because you don't want her walking around with a leak, although she'll probably already feel it. the point, it is tough being on a period cycle, we don't need the dudes to make us feel worse. just calmly ask her if she wanna go home to change or if she wants to use a sweater to tie around her waist.

Tuffcore, you have black leather seats so you can just wipe it away if she leaks there.

but for guys with non-black seats.... i think guys would be grossed out?? especially in a nice car like a BMW?

[Tuffcore]

^ i'm sure the girl is already embarrassed already so you don't need to add anymore embarrassing comments or questions. i don't think you should just ignore it too because you don't want her walking around with a leak, although she'll probably already feel it. the point, it is tough being on a period cycle, we don't need the dudes to make us feel worse. just calmly ask her if she wanna go home to change or if she wants to use a sweater to tie around her waist.

Tuffcore, you have black leather seats so you can just wipe it away if she leaks there.

but for guys with non-black seats.... i think guys would be grossed out?? especially in a nice car like a BMW?

I probably wouldn't be able to see it on black leather seats.

I guess if i'm out with her somewhere and she's leaking, then i would drive to a 7-11, go inside, buy her new pads, go back in the car, and then let her get herself cleaned up. The seat can be wiped clean with Armor All. No biggie.

[Guest iilysium]

Alright, so....here goes.

I have been with my boyfriend for about a few weeks (I'm a senior in high school and he is 7 or 8 years older? Don't worry, it's legal) and he is...I don't know, just perfect to me, and I am probably one of the pickiest girls ever. He has a bit of a "manwhore past", but that was several years ago. We flirt a lot, and sometimes it gets just a little bit sexual, and he has hinted that he would like to sleep with me. I usually just smile in response to that and nothing else. But then randomly, out of the blue, he tells me that he doesn't want to spoil my innocence because after his past of manwhoring with those types of girls he found that he's attracted to innocence so he doesn't want to sleep with me and spoil that because he thinks my innocence is cute and he can tell I'm inexperienced (though I'm not, I've had it taken from me but I never did it again because that was a horrible experience for me). Now that confuses me because it's like a sudden change in attitude, and it's weird because...I dunno, I feel undesired? I talked to my guy friend about this and he said that he might be using reverse psychology because that's what some guys do to get laid. And that just kinda made me start doubting him. Because I have never dated a guy that didn't want sex, I've dodged all sorts of retarded tricks and excuses guys use to get sex. And it also made me very uncomfortable when he said that if he needed it he'd take care of it elsewhere and won't take advantage of me-what does that mean? Take care of it elsewhere? Other chicks? He said that wild side when he was younger was over now though.

[Guest HERMIT]

It just sounds to me like the simple case of talking it out with the guy and clarifying this all out with him.  And of course - easier said than done, right?

But that's inevitably what it all comes down to.  We can't read this guy's mind for you anymore than you can - so it would be a bit pointless in speculating the motives and meanings behind his words.  Besides, it's also possibly contextual - something that we as third party internet observers cannot gauge.  Maybe the 'psychology' angle is just as much to work out for himself rather than on you to get sex.  He's attracted to "innocence" so by not pursuing sex with you so he psychologically continues to find you desirable.  And maybe he was just being facetious about his "take care of it elsewhere" comment.  Maybe he didn't mean other girls - but rather, that he would just pleasure himself to get rid of those urges. 

In any event, your situation - like a lot of other situations on this thread - ultimately boils down to simple and direct communication of actual wants and desires concerning a particular issues.  Which is, in your case, having sex, the approach to having the first instance of it as a couple, and the comparative perspectives.  Have that frank discussion, clarify your positions, and be done with it.  Makes no sense trying to guess you way through it and getting anxious about it because of all the speculation.