Ask The Fellas

[Guest xyoungwoongx]

hello.. i have never done this before and this is actually kinda embarrasing kkk but i would looove some advice right now...

well just some backup info. he is a total fob and I am a twinkie with basically a total twinkie mindset, which I guess is totally different from fobs (therefore we have collided many times) and also I am in my early twenties and he is in his mid-late twenties, so theres a definite age gap PLUS he has a lot of pride.. and we have been going out for almost 2 years

Well.. just to sum things up.. basically we have came to Korea together, (his sister, my bf, and me) and we got a studio together because we are staying here for a month... and I guess while I was here, I have been getting mentally stressed because although I speak perfect Korean, I was so lost as to how to live in this totally new setting without my parents to help me with every little thing (im an only child haha) therefore I guess I totally leaned and clinged to my bf, because he was here and he was the only thing I can rely on and feel safe with. Well.. this basically led to me TOTALLY depending on him and basically I ended up acting like a "princess" asking him to do every little thing and I didnt even lift a finger. A month basically went on like that where I guess I was kinda acting like everything was about me. We go where I want to go and eat where I want to eat (not THAT extreme but close ...), and he held everything in... until a few days ago.. we were hanging out with his best friend who leaves for school tomorrow and we fought.. really bad.. basically I blew up at him for a joke he made that really pissed me off, but he said he was sorry and we got over it... but we fought again because I honestly wanted to go home so I basically kept saying lets go home and drink and he said lets just stay out cause its his friends last day before school... but I insisted lets go home... and eventually he got really angry with me and said some harsh stuff... and I blew up too and said MORE harsh stuff... eventually leading to a BIG fight and him even packing his stuff saying he would leave... (thankfully he didnt) but ever since that day... he will not talk to me...not matter how many times I said Im sorry he completely shuts me off or hes like no, its just how you are you and I don't match or something along those lines... well to show him I changed I actually tried to do simple stuff for myself such as even doing our laundry (lol) and cleaning up the house and such... I guess it helped a little? b/c he would say one or two words to me now. such as sleep, dont sleep on the ground sleep on the bed, dont go outside at night. etc... but hes still cold... when I tried to hug him at night he would just turn away... but yesterday he has been acting strange... one minute hes cold, and one minute hes back to his regular self for like a split second.. and then he turns back to being cold (but at least not as cold as the first day he was mad)... I dont know what to do.... we only have like a few more days in Korea... I would really like for us to enjoy it plus im not ready to break up :/... what can I do to make this situation better...? is he even going to forgive me,,? ack... advice please T_T sorry this was so long... just so desperate.. we're stuck in this little house together especially since his sister left for America now... so its only the two of us... and its just so hard... living in this house and my bf will barely even talk to me.. sigh all he does is sleep now...

[Guest babiixxangel]

I don't want to say something so strong as he doesn't like you anymore. Your tone sounds like you're worried that he hates you and I'm sure it's not as bad as that. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt by saying that he does like you to some degree. Rather, I think it is more important to stress is that he is unable to reciprocate the same level of love/affection that you are still insisting to show/bestow on him. And I think that's what making him uncomfortable/irritable at the situation because he doesn't want to "be a couple", yet some of the continued actions/behaviors still imply that "couple-like" atmosphere when you're around him. As to acting 'normal' around him, maybe a good way to approach it is to view him like he was a co-worker in the workplace. You can still remain friendly and pleasant around him but you certainly wouldn't get too chummy, too touchy-feely, and not too prying into their personal matters. Likewise, you wouldn't be so open with your feelings and private concerns. I don't know how you guys truly interact, so for lack of specifics, all I can recommend is what I said before - just scale back the way you associate with him and try not to relegate everything down into private and intimate matters.

thank you HERMIT for your input. i'll try to be less open about my feelings and just treat him like a friend. i hope everything works out. thank you again.

[odaesan]

My question is, would you get that angry if you made plans with a close friend, only to have her back out last minute? I didn't mean to get him so angry :/

He overreacted. He has some very violent anger issues. I would be upset, but not like that.

[RiderKamen]

hello.. i have never done this before and this is actually kinda embarrasing kkk but i would looove some advice right now...

well just some backup info. he is a total fob and I am a twinkie with basically a total twinkie mindset, which I guess is totally different from fobs (therefore we have collided many times) and also I am in my early twenties and he is in his mid-late twenties, so theres a definite age gap PLUS he has a lot of pride.. and we have been going out for almost 2 years

Well.. just to sum things up.. basically we have came to Korea together, (his sister, my bf, and me) and we got a studio together because we are staying here for a month... and I guess while I was here, I have been getting mentally stressed because although I speak perfect Korean, I was so lost as to how to live in this totally new setting without my parents to help me with every little thing (im an only child haha) therefore I guess I totally leaned and clinged to my bf, because he was here and he was the only thing I can rely on and feel safe with. Well.. this basically led to me TOTALLY depending on him and basically I ended up acting like a "princess" asking him to do every little thing and I didnt even lift a finger. A month basically went on like that where I guess I was kinda acting like everything was about me. We go where I want to go and eat where I want to eat (not THAT extreme but close ...), and he held everything in... until a few days ago.. we were hanging out with his best friend who leaves for school tomorrow and we fought.. really bad.. basically I blew up at him for a joke he made that really pissed me off, but he said he was sorry and we got over it... but we fought again because I honestly wanted to go home so I basically kept saying lets go home and drink and he said lets just stay out cause its his friends last day before school... but I insisted lets go home... and eventually he got really angry with me and said some harsh stuff... and I blew up too and said MORE harsh stuff... eventually leading to a BIG fight and him even packing his stuff saying he would leave... (thankfully he didnt) but ever since that day... he will not talk to me...not matter how many times I said Im sorry he completely shuts me off or hes like no, its just how you are you and I don't match or something along those lines... well to show him I changed I actually tried to do simple stuff for myself such as even doing our laundry (lol) and cleaning up the house and such... I guess it helped a little? b/c he would say one or two words to me now. such as sleep, dont sleep on the ground sleep on the bed, dont go outside at night. etc... but hes still cold... when I tried to hug him at night he would just turn away... but yesterday he has been acting strange... one minute hes cold, and one minute hes back to his regular self for like a split second.. and then he turns back to being cold (but at least not as cold as the first day he was mad)... I dont know what to do.... we only have like a few more days in Korea... I would really like for us to enjoy it plus im not ready to break up :/... what can I do to make this situation better...? is he even going to forgive me,,? ack... advice please T_T sorry this was so long... just so desperate.. we're stuck in this little house together especially since his sister left for America now... so its only the two of us... and its just so hard... living in this house and my bf will barely even talk to me.. sigh all he does is sleep now...

Even though he's not doing too much talking, you gotta talk it out. If it takes a mediator to break the ice then go for it. Key thing is to ease into talking cause he could resent. I also believe that admitting the mistakes can go a long way.

[Guest Shellsforyou]

Would a guy really be interested if a girl was fired from her job? I doubt it. I had a full time job in the fashion industry, but now my life is messed up, because I was fired. My life is a big mess.

[Guest starber]

Nope; frankly, your friend is acting very immaturely. It's not as if you flaked or have control over your mom's decisions. A guy who doesn't understand that is still in the self-centered phase of life.

@starber:

I agree with odddodo - that was a very immature reaction for your friend to have.

The only alternative explanation for that I could have is that maybe he had something special planned for you downtown that he was keeping a secret. But of course, it all depends on what you mean in describing him as your "best guy friend". Are there any potential romantic entanglements implied between you two? If not, then of course this explanation doesn't make sense. But if he does like you in a romantic sense, I can understand a blowup on his part if he was secretly trying to surprise you with something special and your mom just totally shot his plans right out of the water.

edit: just read some of what you wrote in the Ask the Ladies thread - maybe there was some kind of surprise planned for you downtown since you were moving? Some kind of a going away gathering from your friends, if not just this one guy friend?

He overreacted. He has some very violent anger issues. I would be upset, but not like that.

Thank you guys. Yeah, I'm not sure why he reacted that way. No, there isn't any romantic feelings between the two of us, but maybe he's just has anger issue. He rearranged the plans to be in 2 days, but the way he said it made me not want to hang out with him :/ he said, "ok f**k it i'm cancelling my plans on wednesday. You better not bail on me." Ughhhhhh. I'm thinking he's acting this way because I'm moving later this week to another city, so maybe he wants to hang out with me? I just wish he didn't have to act in such...an immature way. Anywho, thank you guys <333333

[Guest meiming8_1]

Hi guys ^^

Would you be put off by a girl who does weights/martial arts like MMA? I just started lifting with my brother and I really enjoy it so I'm going to join a fighting class. I'm also fairly strong- I can squat and deadlift 70kg- but none of my friends know. I don't come across as masculine or even athletic; in fact most of my friends think of me as a very naive, cute girly-girl. I'm not going to stop doing it just because some guys don't like it, but do you think it would be best to just not mention it?

[odaesan]

Hi guys ^^

Would you be put off by a girl who does weights/martial arts like MMA? I just started lifting with my brother and I really enjoy it so I'm going to join a fighting class. I'm also fairly strong- I can squat and deadlift 70kg- but none of my friends know. I don't come across as masculine or even athletic; in fact most of my friends think of me as a very naive, cute girly-girl. I'm not going to stop doing it just because some guys don't like it, but do you think it would be best to just not mention it?

I think that's great. There's nothing wrong with mentioning it. Just don't say something like " I'm [your name here] and I practice martial arts." Think of it as another hobby like other people have among video games and others.

[Guest hkukaudition]

Hey guys,

Just wondering, what do you guys do when your GF is staying over at yours? Even for long periods of time?

I feel bad because my new flat is being renovated and so i have been at my boyfriends for about a week and a half. Since i've been here though most of the time he's playing PC games and we don't even talk when hes on his games. A couple of times he has gone out with his friends to play games or badminton and go paintballing whilst i stayed in the house or did my own thing. In a way i feel like, the more time that we're actually together... the more we feel like we're apart- if that makes sense?

Is that normal? We recently had a major fight because he said something along the lines of 'if you didnt have sex with me i wouldnt be with you.' So we've agreed that il call the shots when i want it so he can show me that its not the only thing he wants me for. However now that we're not 'doing it' it seems like we're strangers. Right now im typing this sat on the sofa whilst hes on the desk about a metre away from me and we havent exchanged words in about 2 hours.

I asked him if he'd be ok to stay with me when i move in my new flat for a few nights because its in a completely new area and my flatmate isn't moving in for another month so im going to be on my own. He agreed but then today he said that since my internets not set up at the flat yet, theres not going to be much to do and so he's going to leave once he's helped me move everything in. I can't help but feel a little bit disappointed- just because he can't play games, im sure we can watch TV together or do something else.

Am i just being completely unreasonable? I do feel bad for taking up his house and sometimes i feel like im in the way when he wants to hang out with his mates, but i want to spend time with him, and i thought that he would like spending time with me, im not asking for him to be right by my side 24/7 everyday for the rest of his life, but just for the next 2 days i'd like him to be around.

[Guest yanni~]

He so cool and never write first. If he answer my questions then always short but still nice. And he also question me about something back. But yesterday it was the shock. Suddenly after chatting back and forth about nothing special he said that i can come to visit him at his dorm o.O and gave me his mobile number said i can call him whenever i want.

I answer with giving him my number and said he should call me instead. He said in a joking way he were shy and I should better do that. So guys, what is this all about? - -"

Ok, I wanted his number I wanted to meet with him and get to know him better. But now when I have this chance suddenly I feel strange and don't think I am really going to call him.....

[Guest HERMIT]

@meiming8_1:

I can understand the hesitation to bring up your MMA hobby to just any guy. But I don't think you should withhold it out of fear of perception. Odaesan is right, just treat it as any other hobby. Just be wary of the kinds of guys you tell it to. Sometimes it's not just the being put off reaction you have to be conscious of. Another consideration for not mentioning it is because some guys might think it an invitation to challenge you to "see what you got" because they think "you can handle it". I'm sure that kind of male bravado is foolishness that you can do without.

But then again, if you can kick their richard simmons and submit them into a rear naked choke - then why not?

@hkukaudition:

That's an unfortunate situation you're in. I remember your previous issue regarding the sex thing and I'm fearing that what's happening now could be some sort of an after-effect of that previous argument. I don't know. I kind of hate to say it, but if he's being pig-headed about how he's spending his time with you, it's almost as if he is confirming through his actions and behavior that he really is only into you and the "relationship" primarily for the sex benefits. Think about it: in the absence of sex, it's not like he's really fulfilling any of your emotional needs in the relationship. If it's not sex, it's playing his video games or opting to go out with his friends instead. Ultimately, in the end it's about him and fulfilling his immediate needs and enjoyment to replace. I'm afraid it may be that his definition of a relationship with you is predominantly a sexual one. And obviously in absence of that, you are finding out that there really isn't one. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are going to have to continue re-examining the worthiness of staying in this kind of relationship if the trend continues. I sincerely hope though that I'm wrong about this assessment.

@yanni:

You say he's never written first so evidently you must have been the one initiating contact. Now that you have his number, why the hesitation all of a sudden? It just means that you call him and start having contact with him in the verbal sense. Doesn't automatically mean that you go straight to his dorm.

Give it a shot, call him, and just chat with him about things you normally would when you wrote. Then let things develop from there.

[Guest missorrowrei]

Just a quick question. I'm good friends a lot of guys who treat like girls really nicely/ patronize them, but then around their guy friends they are total jerks and are mean to them in a way that makes me wanna say something or do something about it cause it's really uncomfy and straight up rude sometimes. Well, I guess two questions, why exactly do guys do this? (I asked a couple people and they said something about seeming tough or whatever) And how should I act upon it or should I just do nothing and let them work it out/ just let it happen?

[Guest Shellsforyou]

If a guy is a natural flirt, in general. How do you know if he's really interested as you in marriage.

Or are flirts in general bad news?

[odaesan]

Well, I guess two questions, why exactly do guys do this? (I asked a couple people and they said something about seeming tough or whatever) And how should I act upon it or should I just do nothing and let them work it out/ just let it happen?

It's switching codes. People do it all the time without even realizing it but in this case, it's bad because they only think about looking a certain way in front of certain people regardless of what happens to others. Being nice to the girls also is part of the appearance but it only happens when they are with the girls.

If a guy is a natural flirt, in general. How do you know if he's really interested as you in marriage.

Or are flirts in general bad news?

The thing about flirting people is that they like to flirt so you can never know unless they actually say they're going to be serious. In general, they like attention so I would say they are bad news, but they would of course say otherwise.

It's unrelated to my responses, but I haven't seen Andreas1 in a long time.

[Guest HERMIT]

It's unrelated to my responses, but I haven't seen Andreas1 in a long time.

Yeah, no kidding. He gives good advice.

[Guest cheerydumdum]

would you guys say it's normal for a guy to chat online with a girl, who is just a friend to the guy, almost every day? or does that sound like the guy might have more-than-friend feelings for the girl?

[Guest hkukaudition]

@hkukaudition:

That's an unfortunate situation you're in. I remember your previous issue regarding the sex thing and I'm fearing that what's happening now could be some sort of an after-effect of that previous argument. I don't know. I kind of hate to say it, but if he's being pig-headed about how he's spending his time with you, it's almost as if he is confirming through his actions and behavior that he really is only into you and the "relationship" primarily for the sex benefits. Think about it: in the absence of sex, it's not like he's really fulfilling any of your emotional needs in the relationship. If it's not sex, it's playing his video games or opting to go out with his friends instead. Ultimately, in the end it's about him and fulfilling his immediate needs and enjoyment to replace. I'm afraid it may be that his definition of a relationship with you is predominantly a sexual one. And obviously in absence of that, you are finding out that there really isn't one. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are going to have to continue re-examining the worthiness of staying in this kind of relationship if the trend continues. I sincerely hope though that I'm wrong about this assessment.

Thanks HERMIT.

In a way i kinda already knew it.. but i was hoping that someone would say 'its ok, thats completely normal.. all guys are like that! He still loves you!' But i know that you're right.

[Guest gangdur]

Hey fellas,

Just interested to know how would you like to be approached by a random girl? The situation could be in mellowed situations like college, coffee shops, library?

Note: You have seen the girl around but have not officially started talking.

Thanks

[Guest HERMIT]

Just interested to know how would you like to be approached by a random girl?

Unarmed.

Definitely.

[Guest minicherries]

uhmm ... sooo o__o

do guys ever tell a girl that shes too hot for certain guys 

and actually mean it  ?