How to get your ex back- The ultimate guide.

[ra123]

Sometimes, there is an increased volume of posts having to do with one topic or another, and I like to batch up my replies in a new thread. It's just more efficient that way, ya know? Because while it's true that everyone is a unique snowflake, the more interesting truth is that when you remove the noise/content from the question, it becomes the same question.

I am about to reveal a relationship secret that people don't want you to know. There are many, many two-bit morons who're trying to sell you an e-book about how to get your ex back, and they DON'T want you to know this secret. There are many shameless spammers whose user names make it obvious that they are shameless spammers, who are relentless. 

What this says to me is, those people are ALREADY doing poorly in their business. Otherwise, they wouldn't have to resort to such idiotic means. I'd actually like to know how that's working out for them. But anyway, I'm sure this big secret will put all those spammers straight out of business.

So here it is, at long last. The big secret. The earth-shattering revelation. The epiphany that will change the flow of time faster than Superman throwing a fit. The big secret. How to get your ex back, simply stated:
Spoiler for How to get your ex back: Highlight to show  YOU DON'T!!!!
YOU MOVE ON!!!!
I'm sorry,  I know you didn't want to hear that. That's why you post a question like "how do I get my ex back?" - because you want a trick. A magic pill. You want things to go back to the same shitty way they were the day before the breakup, when in reality, the only time-travel that would help, is if you went back to when you first started going out, with the same knowledge... and since that's impossible, the only reasonable answer is usually, you gotta travel FORWARD in time, to when you start going out with the next guy/girl, with all the useful knowledge and experience you've gleaned from the past.

There are just so many ways I could take this from this point on, because I know some of you are thinking, "yeah but MY situation is special/different." No it's not!

If you've only been going out for a very short time, then why even bother? Get the knowledge/experience, and move on. Feel fortunate that you got out this early.

If you've been going out for years, then I can understand that you feel there is a lot invested. That's because there IS a lot invested. And you know what? It also means the "strain" on your real-hate-shun-richard simmons probably dates back years as well. Trust me: There is no such thing as "we were happy for 5 years, and then out of the blue, she changed, and ended it with me." Just because YOU were too self-absorbed to notice things slowly deteriorating doesn't mean she hasn't been feeling it for a long, long time. Hell, that's probably why it's over now - because you didn't pay attention to what was going on, when your partner felt like s/he was screaming it at you.

That means no amount of pathetic apologizing and letter-writing will change things. In this case, the very very best thing you can do really is to gain a deep understanding of what happened. I don't mean what happened at the last straw, that triggered her decision, but what's been happening for years now. THAT is the root of things, and you can't just ask some random people in a forum what to say to get her back, because this is SO deeply-rooted that things will continue to fall apart. You can't band-aid this.

"but but but... I LOVE her/him"... So? What does that even mean? Here's another earth-shattering revelation: Love does NOT conquer all. Also, "love" is not permanent. Finally, "love" is a nominalization. That's when you take an abstract concept (usually an emotion) and give it a label, in the form of a noun. The neat thing is, that label represents DIFFERENT things for different people. So when you say you love someone, under the hood, it means something DIFFERENT to every person in the world. That's really what makes us all different unique snowflakes. We all use the same language, yet we disagree about our interpretations on things, on a deep emotional level that is difficult to explain with spoken language. That should not be a surprise.

Your emotions towards other people, just like everything else in this world, are temporary. EVERYTHING is temporary. I know that can seem like a tough pill to swallow to some, but I really think this is a GOOD thing. Accepting and embracing the impermanence of everything is the best way to truly cherish every good moment you have in this life. And if you're clinging to this "love" for someone as a reason to live a shitty life, then that means your label of "love" is backed by all sorts of fear-of-loss type emotions. In other words, it's desperation.

"She's the only girl I can love like this"... To me, this means "she's the only girl that's ever paid attention to me!" It's a really unhealthy scarcity mindset. A lot of people think this whole "abundance mindset" thing is for the "pickup guys" to have a better attitude. And while it's definitely a useful attitude to have success in that field, I think it's a useful attitude in ALL of life's areas. If you can be truly happy, knowing that everything is impermanent, then you have an abundance mindset.

Notice that I'm not even bothering to talk about specific tricks to get over this one person. This is deep enough that it should permeate the very fabric of your being, and flow into EVERY area of your life. So instead of dwelling on how you'll never have the same thing again, realize how wonderful that is, and ask yourself, "what if this were only the beginning?" Because it's not the end result that matters - it's the process of getting there. And if you can enjoy that process, you won't have such a sense of loss when you lose it. It really is the amazing hike up the trail that matters. The view is just a bonus. It should not be the source of your happiness and validation. It should complement things nicely, but your validation should not come from the outside. Having the girl, getting the job, etc. Those things don't validate your life. Your life validates your life.

The things you need to do that "would" get your ex back, would make you into someone who doesn't WANT the ex back. That's the thing. You can't just "change" and act like you're doing it for yourself, when you secretly hope that you get that ex back. That doesn't work, because eliminating that "secret hope" IS the key to her wanting you back, and you know what? You can't fake it. I'm sure HowToGetBack sells a great product, full of ways to fake it, but the truth is, you just plain can't fake what your core beliefs and values are. It's life's fail-safe. So you might as well focus on being a better person for you, and be genuine about it. Because if you aren't genuine about it, you're only screwing yourself. 
Cheers! 

[Guest JaruJaru]

Skipped over it to the highlight part and already knew what it was going to be. I don't know how many times I've told people to just move on as well. If you broke up with someone once you already know it's not going to work again.

[MBV]

Definitely sound advice

[Guest hiswendy]

This came at the perfect time. Srsly. Not that I was about to google "How to get my ex back!" right at this moment, but I know, and I've known for a while, that I just need to move on. Be a better me. Having someone write an eloquent post right when I wake up in the middle of the night is kind of comforting, like the world knows what's happened so it's aligned some things. 
But I do have to disagree with JaruJaru in that some couples who break up and get back together do make it work and stay together. It's just a matter of growing up and being better people while they were apart, and then finding each other years later and seeing that, now grown and slightly different than they were before, they were even better together. I'm not saying that to give myself and others hope; almost always, couples break up for good. Occasionally there are those who just needed the time apart. And in that time apart, to get to where they are (i.e. better versions of themselves that attracted their exes again), what they had to do was...well, move on.

[Guest wutermelon]

richard simmons. Don't tell me who I can and cannot love.

[Guest JDMz]

very insightful.  when a person is gone, they are pretty much gone.  I tried to get her back many times but she isn't the same anymore. 

[Guest scoompi4eva]

wutermelon said: richard simmons. Don't tell me who I can and cannot love.

[MiDnite89]

The real truth is you probably didnt like her that much and she probably wasnt that great otherwise you would still have her. I know as much as I may want that shoulder to lean on from some of my ex, I know I'd resent her eventually for whatever reason we broke up for in the beginning

[Guest TheJVS]

Keep in mind that not all break-ups means that the spark is gone or someone cheated. What about the couples who were long distance, didn't work out and in the future found that they would get another chance to make things happen? 
I personally met a few couples who are now married and happy who were once together, broke up, and found their way back together. 
Also, there are still a lot people out there trying to 'find themselves' which often leads to break ups. Some, in the future after much maturing and experiences in the real world do they realize that perhaps their ex is the person he/she wants to spend the rest of their life with.
I'm posting this because I don't believe in no second chances for ALL breakups and/or ex-es. 

[ra123]

TheJVS said: Keep in mind that not all break-ups means that the spark is gone or someone cheated. What about the couples who were long distance, didn't work out and in the future found that they would get another chance to make things happen? 
I personally met a few couples who are now married and happy who were once together, broke up, and found their way back together. 
Also, there are still a lot people out there trying to 'find themselves' which often leads to break ups. Some, in the future after much maturing and experiences in the real world do they realize that perhaps their ex is the person he/she wants to spend the rest of their life with.
I'm posting this because I don't believe in no second chances for ALL breakups and/or ex-es. 

[Guest TheJVS]

@ra123 and your opinion is to be respected. However, I do not think everyone out there should believe firmly that they should never reconcile and get back with an ex. I feel as if this thread and a lot of the replies here gives no hope for people out there who actually has hope...
Everyone makes mistakes. Some people make the mistake of breaking up. Some of these people choose to move on, leaving their mistake in their past and learning from it. (as most people would encourage) While some, acknowledges their mistake and try to fix, apologize and get second chances.
By suggesting that no one should try and get their ex back... isn't it the same thing to say that no one makes a mistake about breaking up?

[Eclectic]

The beauty of a break up is that it helps you realize the impermanence of life and the abundance of living through a non scarcity mindset

[imsomessedup]

tldri got a better guide:if you a girl, sleep with your exif you a guy, sleep with every girl possible to make her jealous and tell every guy you know that your ex-gf has AIDS so she can't do the same to you

[Guest kimldt55]

there are ALWAYS exceptions.

i.e I know a couple who been going out since they were 15, broke up and got back together counting 9 times. Now she's 21, and he's 24 and they have a kid together.