Long Distance Relationships

[Guest xFloOwuffBB]

jammer25 said: ...There's a certain delusion, in my experience, when it comes to those things in an LDR sans physical interaction - it's almost like you're in a relationship with the idea of the person rather than the person him/herself.

[Guest babyybearr]

I'm bringing this back. Let's go.
I began my relationship July 17th, 2011. At that time he was 21 and I was 19. I didn't drive yet, I didn't have my permit yet, he was the only one who drove. I met him through a mutual friend in the city of brotherly love. Turned out he's the older brother of two of my good friends. My good friends lived alone in a house, it used to be called a party house because people were always skipping school there. Or staying over for no reason. It was always crowded with people, the house itself wasn't a problem, it was the people. They created a lot of drama and issues. 
Their brother at the time lived with his parents in Delaware, about hour to two hour drive depending how fast you drive, and the traffic. His parents have a nail salon there, but they are now trying to sell it since they are living back in Philadelphia. 
So for about a year we dealt with a LDR. I come from a strict family, so sleeping out at a guys place even though I'm of age is still a big deal to my parents, mostly my mom. So I could only see him when I managed to lie that I was sleeping over a friends house, but instead he'd come get me for a weekend. I spent about once a month for a year doing this. Every other day, though, we were texting, late night calls, I sent him cute "I like you" letters and explaining why, by postal mail. During Thanksgiving and Christmas he stayed with my family and saw our traditions. He also was the one who taught me how to drive, the day I passed my license test he was there. My parents let him sleep over for that.
I got my license the day before New Years, so that day we went to his place in Delaware spent the night there but drove back the next day for the fireworks. I drove us back there that same night because he drank alcohol, and I've been sober for couple months at that time. 
Around March-April he stayed more in Philadelphia, those days I was always with him. In May it was a permanent move back, the family renovated the house he got his old room back, a queen sized bed, the step dad was funny he's like "you can move in too" lol. Around July is when I decided to balance our time because we just got into the biggest problem ever, and that's when I was like you can't control your liquor, I've said it before I've said it again but most of the fights we have is because of your drinking habits. He was always not one to just drink a beer, he's more of a 40 or more kind of person. And when you drink a lot, you'd think you'd become immune to alcohol, but honestly it's the other way around. Your body starts rejecting it, and it won't be able to handle it as much. It happened to me, I'm nearly a year sober, he's been sober since June. I'm very proud of him, and in all honesty alcohol, cigs, weed whatever is childish. He's 23, and I'm 20 now. It's time to grow up, it's money wasting, it's time to start getting your life together.
I went back to school this semester pushing forward getting good grades, I get to see him once or twice a week, we don't argue anymore, he's started to work and make money now, he's saving money now. There's a chance that our non distance relationship now, may one day become LDR again because his parents are thinking about moving to West Virginia to take over his step sister's nail salon, but I'm also thinking about studying to be a nail technician for backup if journalism falls through. But I know we'd be able to handle it, because now he's saving up money for a car, and we both drive, and we'd definitely be able to make it work again. 
My one friend he's engaged to his LDR girlfriend of 4 years, they visit each other etc. but now he's moving to her state to be with her and continue his education and life there. It can work, just lots more effort, sure you need physical stuff, but that's not what's most important. What is, is communication. If you don't have communication, your relationship will fail. My boyfriend and I, we talk like we are best friends not just boyfriend and girlfriend. We are definitely not perfect, we don't have everything that's the same or different, but we made things work, and we still make things work. We both have responsibilities, I have school going to start working soon, he has work and his probation. Then we have each other. But now I sleepover less, he's a 30 minute drive from my house. So when I do see him it's for like 16 hours or so, and then I drive home. Sometimes I sleepover, but it's random. 
Well, this was long. 

[Guest laissezze]

LDRs works as long as you put COMMITMENT AND TRUST.
Take it from me. I had my own share of this one. Well, we met at school, that's like 4 years ago, after 4 months, he had to go back home. I stayed. we worked it out, NOW, I AM MARRIED TO HIM. One thing he said was this "If you didn't call me everyday, I wouldn't have given us a chance". That one call actually told him "She's the one". 
Effort is one thing, but commitment is another. If you will it, then it will happen. so does the adage goes. 

[teaispink]

LDRs are tiring but they're worth it if he/she is the one for you. 
I was in one myself and now after 2 years of arguing and crying over phones we're finally together in the same country and we're still going on strong. I think it's all up to trust and commitment. No one said it's easy but it's not hard either. If you're a needy person then I don't recommend LDR because it'll be torturing. We do fly back and forth to see each other but it's not like staying in the same country. We try not to argue when we're apart and whenever we do we try to solve it as soon as we can (in this case is HE who solves it not me).     

[Guest xFloOwuffBB]

@babyybearr I really commend you for putting your story out. My ex-SO (he broke up with me due to school issues) and I got into a really big fight last week and so I've been quite down about it, and honestly I'm really confused as to what we "are" right now. We still talk as if we were still together and all that jazz.

@teaispink Congratulations! I can only imagine the happiness you must have felt at the time when things started looking up for you two.

My ex-SO had said, "Long distance relationships only work if you love them to pieces."

[Guest avashuck]

For some Long Distance Relationships work but for some like me it doesn't

Take it from me if you want the Long Distance Relationship to work out it will work but in my case it didn't work out  like the fantasy I hoped it would be I mean we met for half  da when he came to my school in a study group  then kept in contact constantly emailing each other eventually feeling started appearing nd I asked him out but sadly after 1 month of this so called relationship we just grew apart and eventualy had to break up but were still friends

What I'm saying is if you want the relationship to work it will but for some its just not the relationship for them and plus that kind of relationship need a lot of hard work if ur detremened to make it work it will but if it doesn't at least you know u tried

[teaispink]

My ex-SO had said, "Long distance relationships only work if you love them to pieces."

[Guest kimchiday]

i used to be in one a year and a half ago and it didn't work out well, we only dated for a couple of months and gotten into LDR and our communication was very minimal, we also had trust issues with each other, and he wouldn't like me going out and wanted me to stay home all the time so that when he does have time for going online i'd be there. but i broke that one up because we had a lot of problems with our relationship. but now i am in an LDR again with someone different, and i feel like its much better because we have better communication and the trust is there.

[Guest babyybearr]

@xFloOwuffBB Thank you. I don't mind, I'm pretty open. You can ask me anything, I'll answer it honestly. Honestly what it sounds like you two are is friends, but I can se that if you two keep going on well like this and things work out, I can see you two getting back together. Communication as I said. And thank you, we still have problems, but no one's perfect. We're going to disappoint each other, but the thing I loved what he said is "It doesn't matter if you disappoint me sometimes, I understand your not perfect, richard simmons happens, but as long as it's not something drastic and that we love each other I don't mind." It just kind of reminded me of the mind may get angry, but the heart still cares. So good luck, things may not be so good for you now, but keep talking to him communicating and maybe things will work out. :]
@kimchiday I'm glad to hear your in a new relationship that does have communication and trust. It's vital, I had a bit of trust issues with my boyfriend because his friends are very bad influences. They'd be like "You don't have to tell her, she doesn't need to know, don't be whipped." But I always put it in this sense to him "Would you want to know? Would you want me to tell you what I was doing, who I was with, where I was going?" And obviously he said yes, so I'm always like "exactly." His friends do nothing with their lives but drink, smoke, and party. They get money from their parents, and they're in their 20s. I don't mind them they're cool people, but I never believed in peer pressure till I met them. They can get anyone to do anything. And I don't like it. When it comes to a relationship, especially a serious one the person that comes first is your SO. Nowadays, I don't really care about them I don't see them. He works, I'm working on school and building my CV for my future life. It's better off when he's not drinking, smoking, or listening to what they say. 
Today I heard one of the best the best things ever. By being around his friends he dressed, okay, but he has looks he can work good fashion. I'm majoring in journalism, I want to hopefully write for a fashion magazine one day. And lately I taught him how to save better deals on clothes, brands and expensive clothes go on sale, but on eBay they are so much cheaper. Good condition too. Today he wore his new Abercrombie Cashmere Sweater he said he was going to wear it with a gray shirt underneath, the color of the sweater is Charcoal. So it's either a dark gray or dark brown I dunno, but he said "No, I think this needs some color." And I always say that, because I don't wanna be too much of one color, I want to be original so I add color. It made me so happy. He said he likes the way he dresses these days and how it looks on him, and how he thinks he can pick out fashion better lately. He can, he surely can, I love it. We're still trying to figure out what to do with his hair. 
But good luck to the both of you. 

[Guest babyybearr]

I feel as if I just jinxed myself. My boyfriend's uncle from California is offering him to come to Cali and have a better life. He said he will pay for all the school fees and everything, that he should go to school. And I do agree, I think he would have a better life in Cali especially going to school and getting a better education. Better than the one he had here. Or would ever have here. Too many bad influences are here too.
I want what's best for him, but he doesn't want to go because of me. I honestly wouldn't mind relocating myself though because either way I either have to be close to New York City or LA to get something good with my major, not just career wise but internship too. I just don't have a job right now.
I don't know what's going to happen. But not only do I want what's best for him, but it kind of saddened me too. I'll admit it, was in an LDR with him before. It is hard, even harder to maybe having to go back to it.

[Guest ksushil970]

In long distance relationship, you have emotional bonding with your partners, Long distance relationships can and will test you and your partner; you need to trust him/her entirely, lest paranoia play a major part in the demise of your relationship.

_______________
Love Problem Solution

[Guest chloe_addict]

Whether or not LDR will work not only depends on trusting your SO but also yourself. Will you be able to shut off any emotional attachment to a specific guy/girl that's just right by you? 

[agent00dragon]

I've been in a LDR for 2 years. Granted, we only live an hr and a half plane ride away, but that's still 600 miles between us. We make it work because we 100% trust each other and are really in love. We were close friends before we dated, so we had the foundation of friendship so we knew each other's personalities. LDR can work if you're both committed and trust each other. It won't work if you're insecure and easily swayed to love the next person that says "Hi." I believe the people that say it's hard not to cheat on your s/o with someone local most likely didn't really love their s/o to begin with because if you loved them, you'd be committed. I love my bf and we make it work. It will only work if you both put in the effort. It takes a lot out of you, and I agree with previous posters that say it's a true test to your relationship, but I believe it makes our love stronger. It's just something we have to get through, and I'd rather be with my bf like this than not with him at all. We both get by knowing that we won't be in a LDR forever, and that one day we will actually be in the same zip code.

[Guest Insomnolence]

My LDR didn't work out... He had to move to the other side of Canada due to school. He broke up with me because he didn't want a LDR and that it wasn't his thing.. But our love was strong. We were both very committed but the distance really gets to you when you can't share that physical bond anymore. There was no trust issues or anything, it was a really sudden and bad break up too.. It kind of sucks and it really makes me eerie about ever considering a LDR in my life But I guess it was for the better. I just don't really think LDRs work out well if the distance is too great.

[Guest Saiyu]

so much negativity in this thread!

I am in a LDR and happy...sure, the physical component is missing, but when I see my boyfriend during holidays, we do lots of things to make up for it. there are bad things about long distance definitely. but if two people really love each other and need each other, distance shouldn't get in the way.

[Guest <3StrawberryPocky<3]

I've been in two long distance relationships, both of which are pretty much my only relationships. The first one went fairly well and lasted a year. The reason it ended was because when I shared some emotional baggage, he realized he didn't want to have to carry that with him. My second long distance relationship is the one I'm currently in. It is . . . absolutely incredible. The guy I'm with is amazing, and he seriously knows how to make my day, even when he's across the country. We aren't dying from lack of physicality or anything (not saying we don't miss it) because we realize it's not the important component of our relationship. Surprisingly, we're both enjoying long distance due to the fact that it really enhanced our emotional connection with each other and made this relationship much stronger than it would have been if it was just based on physicality. And I plan on being with him as long as possible because I've never met any person, not even a friend, that makes me as happy as he makes me.  

[Guest sigillumdiaboli]

I'm in a long distance relationship and it works for us. I don't think people who aren't in an LDR should have a say on whether they're okay or not - you've never tried it, you have no idea. 
The thing is, you  need to sort out what you want out of a relationship. Do you want  fun, carefree dating? Then an LDR /probably/ isn't for you. 
For me, I wasn't looking for a LDR, and neither was my boyfriend, we just found eachother and began to love eachother. He visited me after a while of dating and later we realized we were in love. I visited him back, stayed for a longer time, and now he's coming again this December. 
We've been together since february 5th of this year, and we've only grown to love eachother more and more. We can't imagine not being together, and the pain of not being able to see eachother as often wouldn't match up to the pain of breaking up. We're both in it for the long haul and couldn't be happier. Of course we've had our ups and downs, but every relationship is like that. 
Some advice I can give and things I've realized
1. It's so much easier to get angry at someone over the internet. Remember this and control yourself. Sometimes he/she may irritate you, but if it's nothing serious, just don't go there. Really don't. It's not worth it. You'll realize once you meet or can be together in person, the tiny things won't irritate you as much.
2. Make sure you communicate not just through chat and text, but by calling eachother. My boyfriend and I talk through msn voice chat and sometimes on the phone, but we make sure to do this even if we don't have much to say. He also makes videos for me reading poetry and just doing really romantic things. You can do video chat if you want, but my boyfriend and I find this too awkward. It's up to you, though. 
3. Send eachother things. Hand written letters, pictures, some of your clothes, jewellery, random things you know they'd like or have wanted for a while. It's fun if you make it a surprise. It's really nice being able to have things from them that you can touch or hang on walls. 
4. If you're into this sort of thing, be sexually involved with them. Talk out your sexual frustration and send pictures and offer ideas of what to do in bed. In a way, LDR's are kind of great because it's easier to talk about sex online, and you're already becoming comfortable about the subject with them before you've even started being physical. 
5. Figure out new ways to tell them you love them. Don't repeat the same thing every day, change it up so that it seems less like a routine and more like just talking about how you feel at that moment. (I hope this made sense)
6. VISIT EACHOTHER. Don't go for very long only being their online s/o. My boyfriend visited me 3 months after we got together. It's very important to do this, you don't want to get too used to how they are online and fall inlove with that person, and then get confused when you actually meet them. You need to be able to connect the online and real life person as soon as possible so that you know if you really want to be in the relationship. Then of course, planning future visits. My boyfriend and I see eachother every 3 months. 
7. Realize that an LDR is very emotionally draining at times. All you'll want is to hold them and you won't be able to. Your bed will be empty and lonely. Sexual frustration is super tough. But if you love this person enough, then you'll fight past it. If you're not ready for something like that in your life, then don't try to find someone online. If you feel it happening RUN AWAY. But if you love this person enough then finally seeing them and one day maybe even being able to live in the same area will make up for all the missing, I promise. 
That's all!
I'd like to add that I live in the US and my boyfriend lives in Montreal (in Canada) 
It richard simmons sucks. 
So that's my definition of long distance.

[Guest heyokayokay]

Once you realize that good men are not everyehere, you cherish what you have a lot more.

[Guest xFloOwuffBB]

Thanks everyone for your input. So far it seems to me that I still feel 50/50 about having an LDR, but only because I understand the happiness and the fears that come with being involved in one.
It would be a long, long, post for me to write down my story and experiences but I commend everyone so far who has voiced their opinion and personal experiences.
Thank you everyone for being so insightful!

[Guest memo28]

I am in one right now and honestly it is not that hard. Sure, you want to see them a lot and it's hard because you can't just go out and meet them but if you trust each other and maintain a healthy amount of communication (at least once a day) then it can work! Those couples that can't and break up, in my opinon..which might sound very narrow, either had a problem with their relationship, can't trust each other, loves drama, or is too impatient. If you really love someone then you will want to try and fight for it.