Friend Worth Keeping?

[BoAFriend]

I don't know how long of a post this will be, but just warning readers that it may be quite lengthy, mainly since it chronicles many problems I've been having with a girl. NO, we are not bf/gf or anything of the sort - we're just friends (good friends).

In the past I've constantly pondered whether or not I should write such a topic asking for help and I read many other friendship problem topics in this forum for potential advice, but it's come down to the point where I want to open up and ask for advice, suggestions, and input for my own.

This friend of mine and I have had problems with our friendship many times in the past 2 years. I honestly don't know how to put into words the types of things we argue about, but it PISSES THE SH!T out of me.

Exhibit A: As I type this, we're having an argument via text message because I sent her 3 texts this afternoon, all of which she failed to respond to for hours. My first text was about a plaza near school I thought we should go to, second text was asking when she would be back at school, and third text was about a guy we both know who just got a Lexus IS250. About 3 hours later she responds with an ambiguous, "Which one is that?"

Now I don't know if it should be put this way, but I would think that it's common sense that anyone would assume she's referring to the last text I sent her (the one about the Lexus IS250 and besides, last sent texts always show at the top of the inbox). I mean her response was so ambiguous. So I responded back to her in disbelief (because this friend of mine loves the IS250C, which is based right off of the original IS250 model). And wow. All hell just breaks loose. She shoots me back an f-word laced text calling me a richard simmons among other things and how she was referring to my first text (one about the plaza near school).

Honestly, HOW was I supposed to know? Especially when she lags her richard simmons responding, I would think she only saw my last text and was referring to that. Well pretty much I told her she wasn't clear AT ALL in her response (she was so ambiguous for crying out loud!) and I thought she was referring to my last text about the Lexus. Now she's going off on me saying, "NO. Only YOU would think that." and how anyone reading her "Which one is that?" text would immediately know that she's referring to my first text about the plaza near school. Can someone say dumb pinkberry?

So my whole point of this example is that, I constantly get in these stupid ridiculous fights with her. And riding on the backbone of this whole ordeal are all the things I've come to realize about her from the past few years to which I absolutely cannot stand anymore.

1. She's an extremely stubborn person. And when you don't agree with her, she breaks hell on you.

2. When she doesn't get something the way she wants it, she flips out, no matter where she is or who she is in front of. I unfortunately had to be with her inside a T-Mobile store (when the store was 10 minutes til closing) once where she was having problems with her phone and the staff couldn't help her due to issues with authorization from the account holder. She spit out f-words and pretty much the whole foul dictionary at the manager helping her and the 3 employees in the store. It was so embarassing, and she kept up with this whole drama for a well 15 minutes past the store's closing time.

3. She's the biggest hypocrite ever. She loves Gucci and Louis Vuitton, but whenever she sees ANY other girl (esp a Korean) with any of those 2 brands, she immediately calls them out for having fake bags (Korean AA quality, anyone?) and pretty much throws out this whole haughty, condescending attitude about how their bags are fake and hers are the real. The whole problem and irony to this is that, my friend - all her bags are fake, too. And what? Yep, you guessed it - Korean AA quality. So...what the hell? Seriously

4. She's rarely on time for anything. She lags everything out and takes a lifetime getting ready. What I don't understand is, she doesn't wear an ounce of make up and always has her hair tied up, and dresses simple. She just LAGS.

4. This one is the hardest to explain (I'm hoping my current text message fight could shed some light). She's just...I don't know. I honestly think she has major communication problems. She's extremely ambiguous when she refers to things and always causes misunderstandings and fights (like I am experiencing now).

She currently has a boyfriend of a little over a year and we three all hang out. I've been the witness to many of their little fights and the ironic thing (or not?) is that her boyfriend sees many of the flaws in her that I do, and he can't really put up with it all any longer either. Many of their fights are similar to the ones I have with this girl - all due to miscommunication (on HER part though). The most outrageous thing I've witnessed is her yelling at him because he was 15 minutes late to visiting her at school. It's ridiculous because she's the one who always is late and yet she is the one with the most ridiculous record of tardiness (she once told me she'd hang out with me at school once she got back at 9PM. She returned to school at 3AM. Also, for her freshman year orientation, she was supposed to wake up at 7AM. She told me she had asked her roomate to help wake her up if she wasn't awake by 7AM. My friend ended up waking at 12PM, 5 hours late. Who did she blame it all on? Her roomate)

I've gone through 2 big fights with her followed by periods of not having any contact with her. Barely last week I took the initiative to talk to her again and try patching things up (I took the initiative to patch things up after the first fight, too). Many of you who are reading this may be like "Why the f do you still want to be friends with her? You've pretty much made it clear that she is stupid and bugs the ish out of you" The thing is...honestly without her, I don't have many friends. What I mean is that she's the only friend who I can constantly hang out with. I do have other friends at school but they all live off campus and just never really take the time and effort to hang out with me. She will constantly call me up to hang out, grab drinks, eat, etc etc. Also another reason as to why I patch things up with her is because my mom constantly tells me to not just give up on other people (esp friends) so easily, esp if they have flaws that bother you (my friend to which, clearly has a lot) and that if I cut ties with people so quickly (esp friends), I'm not going to have any friends sooner or later. You might be laughing thinking "wow just because your MOM told you that, you listen?" No - the reality is...that moral coming from my mom means a lot because that moral is pretty much how my mom's social life has turned out. She stopped talking to people whenever things just didn't work out, and now she has very little friends. And pretty much, she doesn't want me to end up like her. And I don't. And with this friend, I honestly try so hard to just brush off her flaws but they're really coming to a point where they just richard simmons ME OFF. Many of you reading might think that I should just talk to her about what she's doing wrong, but the problem is - she doesn't listen, and problems only get worse because she flips things around and says that YOU'RE the one misunderstanding/miscommunicating/doing things wrong. Pretty much she's never wrong and when brutally proven wrong, she never apologizes. Her boyfriend and I have both tried to beat some sense into her, but she remains upright and stubborn.

With this current text fight that I'm having with her, it's making me question whether or not I made the big mistake of patching things up with her (again) and letting her back into my life. We have a friendship of 5 years but...I really just can't take much more.

What do you guys advise/think?

[Guest dp61]

damn that's a long thread lol.

i read half and i get the idea. (i'm home on a friday night...reading the whole thing would make me feel bad lol)

well. i just think you BOTH have problems. u guys kinda seem like a married couple already lol. or just a couple.

but i mean if she ANNOYS me, in a way where you're sick of them...i think you should start hangin with your boys..

there's some stuff gal friends cant do that your boys can do.

i hang out with these 2 girls, and i literally am dr. phil x5000. and i'm like some eharmony connector.

well, they get annoying sometimes, but i still love them as friends...but sometimes, they fail to understand my

venting... and that's where my boys come in...

just start hanging out with your boys more, and just keep a good relationship with her.

just ending the relationship could seriously make u regret (this is the final verdict, sorry if i contradicting)

[Guest brownman90561495]

aside from her being the only friend you've got as a reason, are there any good characteristics that you have found in her, and that made you two became friends (also that made her became your guy friend's gf)? there must be something at least a bit of good in her that connected all three of you.

I've gone through 2 big fights with her followed by periods of not having any contact with her. Barely last week I took the initiative to talk to her again and try patching things up (I took the initiative to patch things up after the first fight, too). Many of you who are reading this may be like "Why the f do you still want to be friends with her? You've pretty much made it clear that she is stupid and bugs the ish out of you" The thing is...honestly without her, I don't have many friends. What I mean is that she's the only friend who I can constantly hang out with.

but on the other hand, you don't have to stick with the bread crumbs if you can't have any bread.

and you know, you can never force a person to change for another person. yea tell her what's wrong, but don't tell her she needs to change. if she does change, she better do it for herself.

[Guest Xiaoba1tu]

Has this happened for all the five years you've known her for?

I don't have many friends. What I mean is that she's the only friend who I can constantly hang out with.

Still it's not worth hanging around someone like that even if you have very few friends. There are people out there who could be really great friends with you, who you can trust to keep a secret, who you can rely on if you need help, someone who is fun to hang out with, doesn't talk bad about others behind their back, someone who will never have an argument with (I have never argued with a friend before or called them richard simmons or used the f word at them), someone who you can talk about anything with and enjoy the good times.

Well, you've tried to patch things up with her but they don't seem to do anything, and then the cycle repeats... I think she's not worth being friends with. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.

The decision is yours to make. (If you're over 20 you shouldn't have to follow what your Mum says, she doesn't know your friend as much as you do).

If you decide to hang around people like her (your friend) in the long term, what is the point? When you look back in the past, did you have a good time with them? Any good memories to share?

What I believe in for keeping friends is that you can choose whoever friends you like, and you really should not waste time with people you can't get along. Family is the exception, you can't choose family but you can choose friends! There are so many types of people out there, and some of which you could be really good friends with because they respect you and see the best in you.

I'd advise you to meet other people (at work, school, outings, etc.) so you will know what it's like to have a true friend.

[Guest angels.disguise]

drop her. you CAN find better friends you just have to try. honestly if

she is only pissing you off theres no point in being friends with her.

are you friends with her boyfriend? you two should drop her and find other people to hang with (:

ohh and to be honest i never reply to texts either because after reading them i either forget to reply

or too lazy loll.

[nikkiex33]

i think it`s better to just have a few good friends, instead of having a lot of friends you can`t stand.

quality, not quantity.

i mean, i personally find no point in hanging out with someone you absolutely hate. like, i won`t eat meat if i hate it. (bad comparison)

if she`s not willing to patch things up with you now, i doubt she`ll ever patch things up with you.

[Guest areumie]

No offense but this girl sounds insane from what you have told so far. Or if not insane, just insanely selfish and spoiled. Assuming she is older than middle school- age, she is far too old to be throwing temper tantrums and cussing and talking so much sh&t. Simply put, she is immature. And she is dragging you down with you, man.

Sounds like she has gotten so comfortable with you that she treats you badly cause you know you'll take it.

Don't break off your friendship with her, but I think you should slowly pull away. Don't text her so much. Hang out with someone else. I know you said you didn't have a lot of friends but it's not worth it to hang out with someone who treats you with such disrespect. I'd personally rather have no friends at all than to han out with the monster you just described. I'm sure she has some good traits too but right now you've seen too much of her bad side

Give it a little distance, a little time. Talk to her again later and she if she has changed. If not... the ball is in her court, so to speak.

Good luck.

[Guest DarkApprentice89]

Sometimes to be a friend you have to leave a friend. Yes, this is exactly what I just said and no I am not drunk or high off of something. So from what I read and hopefully remember, this friendship has lasted for 5 years. She is a very stubborn person and you two argue a lot so I'm assuming you're always the one to patch things up. Your kind of behavior might have spoiled her in a way... I mean every time she does or say something wrong since you're the one who patches things up means you're indirectly saying "You were right please do this again next time, and it's alright to do the same thing to anyone else." Eventually this just became a habit since she knows there's always a person who would agree with her, even if not at first. If she really cares about you, then by leaving her you can finally show her that there is something wrong with her personality. Why else would her very close guy friend leave her??? Hopefully she will start thinking back to how she acts.

Also I kind of pulled what your mom did..., but it wasn't really because of anyone else's moral story. Most likely it was just because of my own personality. At the very least when I look back and saw how I might have messed, I won't blame it on anyone else. I wouldn't suggest you to always listen to what your Mom says because what she says is an advice not an order.

Random: Btw you kind of look like Ted from WongFuProductions...

[Guest xDMarz]

You should make some new friends that are on campus. Honestly, you can't stick with this friend forever. It'll just make you even more frustrated and unhappy. I doubt this is even called friendship if you guys just hang out but richard simmons each other off life that. As another poster mentioned, quality > quantity. There's more than enough sane people in this world for you to choose from.

[Guest uponashore]

i think you should try talking it out with her first. i know she doesn't tend to listen and stuff, but i think that you should keep your cool for this one conversation and tell her what you really feel. if she continues to blame it on you and continues to behave the way she does, then i guess it leaves you with no other choice.

if the only reason why you still want her as your friend is because you're scared you'll have no one left, then i really don't think its worth it. after all, friendship is about enjoying the time you spend with each other, not treating each other like crap.

there are so many great people out there who i think would all take the time and get to know you and spend time with you (you sound like a pretty nice person, having put up with all of this), so don't worry about not finding other people. your decision shouldn't be based on what you're scared will happen, but what you really feel like inside.

from personal experience, my father has that stubborn and "blame it on everyone else" attitude. i mean, everyone has their own redeeming qualities and their own flaws as well. even though sometimes i can't stand his behavior, i still manage to put up with it. in reality, we're quite close. i stay close with him because i know that all the good times we've had together and all the happiness and love that he gives me outweighs his temper and his stubbornness. i don't maintain a relationship with him because i'm scared that if i lose him, i won't have another father (are you catching my drift? haha)

to summarize, re-evaluate your relationship with this girl. think about all your experiences together. if you really feel that the relationship has diminished to something disrespectful and harmful to both parties, then i advise you to stop. otherwise, i advise you to stick in there and try your best to resolve the problem on both sides.

good luck and i'm everything will work out in the end

[Guest <3StrawberryPocky<3]

There are certain friends one shouldn't give up on, but if you're willing to write a long essay about how much you dislike her personality, I believe your real relationship ended a long time ago. Often, close friends can end up in fights, and those are the times you discover whether or not you are compatible with them. Since it's escalated to the point where you guys fights over a text message, it's clear your personalities weren't meant to be together. A friendship with her is not worth sustaining if she can't learn the basics of communication, accept her own flaws, and listen to others. Since your friend has chosen the option of neither listening to people nor improving her flaws everyone sees, she has secluded herself to one path: learning the hard way by losing her friends. That was her choice, and you have no obligation to help her. She is the type of person who will end up alone in the future, not you, so don't stand by her side because of your mom's moral. Although what your mom says is true, I believe her morals apply to ones that know how to listen to others, especially after five years. Friends I find worth striving to keep are ones that have faults I can tolerate with good memories I'm willing to relive and without feeling I'm being forced to sustain the friendship with.

For you, I think you need to expand your horizons. To be honest, you've already reached that level of having little friends such as your mother. But your problem is that you've focused your attention so much on this one girl, you've forgotten to increase your social circle. You shouldn't rely or hang on to one person because that's usually where people meet the biggest conflict of loneliness if they happen to lose that one, close friend. Trust me, there are way better friends out there than her.

[BoAFriend]

I really want to thank everyone for their responses. You guys have given me a lot to consider.

I think what I'm going to do is just really dilute the friendship from now on, meaning text her less/hang out with her less, etc etc. I do have fun times and moments with her for I know that I cannot experience the likes with anyone else. So for that reason, I guess I'm not going to completely cut ties with her. But for the sake of what's been happening, I'm going to go ahead with keeping a short distance now.

Besides, after I started talking to her again last week, I've noticed that she's grown ruder in the way she speaks. For example, if you don't see something that she sees (visually or in terms of ideas/thoughts), she just shoots out a venomous "Are you dumb? ASDFGHJKL" I mean, I know many people pull "Are you dumb?" but in a somewhat joking manner, but hers is straight venom.

And in case anyone's curious as to what happened with the text fight, she still says that I'm the one who's stupid, for not knowing automatically that she was referring to my first text, not my last text.

[MNLV27]

Sometimes, it's okay to just give up on someone or something after you've tried so many times, to the point, it's really come to feeling like it's useless to even try anymore. I mean, maybe because you just typed this post while you're mad at her that's why you sound very angry but sit back and just reevaluate your friendship with her. If it's really worth sucking it up and keep being friends with her, then make some changes and talk to her, be more patient? If it's not worth it, then just casually stop talking to her as much.

If she's saying rude things or being rude, call her out on it like a parent would to their kids. People will never learn how rude they are until they're told the truth. Really put your foot down on her so that she doesn't think she's on a higher pedestal than you guys. She acts like that towards you guys because she knows you guys won't do anything or say anything to her about it. It's like a child acting out just because they know they won't get in trouble.