Girlfriend says I don't take enough "initiative"

- been together for a little more than a year

- attending the same college

- probably the 4th-5th time we've "broken up"

Basically, my girlfriend is considering breaking up tonight because she feels I don't take enough "initiative". As in, she usually calls me first, she usually asks me to go out, etc. She's said in the past, and I quote, "sometimes I feel like I'm not in a relationship...sometimes it's like we're still just friends...I just want a real boyfriend".

We've had a good amount of big arguments, like any other couple. We had 2 big fights over Winter Break in December. On Christmas Eve, we fought over some dumb party/drunk boy flirting with her, and she nearly ended it right then and there. However, I sent her a long heartfelt email the next day, explaining myself, and I think it saved us. She forgave me. About a week later, she calls me out of the blue and starts the entire "You never take initiative" argument. It's like she completely snapped all of a sudden, and says shes done, but the next morning, she apologizes, saying she just got frustrated. I apologize too and tell her that I promise I'm working on it. And just this weekend, we had another argument (basically, she was making feel like crap, so I snapped and said something that offended her). She got over it a few hours later though.

So far, we've had a pretty good time back at school. We don't have any classes together anymore, but we still to see each other often. To count; we got dorm food together twice, made dinner at her place, she slept over at my dorm, I slept over at her apartment, snowboarding trip over the weekend with friends, studied in my room for the night, etc). Basically, totally normal stuff that you could expect from any couple. Just last night, she drunk called me to say she loved me and she was safe.

Tonight, she calls and we have a normal conversation; yadda yadda, what we did today, using cutesy nicknames for each other, etc. Then suddenly, she goes "what do you think about our current relationship? as in if things have changed or not...". Long conversation cut short; she thinks that I'm not changing, despite promising I would. She basically feels like; I'm not a real boyfriend sometimes, that we're still just friends, nothing special, etc. As of now, I don't know where we stand. She mentioned maybe we should just take a break, or break up entirely. Before she hung up, she said "I just wish you'd man up sometimes..."

This is how our relationship has been for a good year now; despite her usually calling first, or making most of the plans, we still have a great time together (asides from the fighting). It's just the kind of person I am, and how I grew up. I was a big introvert in high school, and she knows that. I rarely went out, and didn't talk with many people often. However, I truly don't mind whatever we do; I'm perfectly happy with relaxing at home for a week, or spending an entire week seeing her. Honestly, I know I don't take enough initiative with our relationship. I should be calling her way more often. I swear that I want to change this, only it'll take time. But the way she phrases everything makes me seem like I don't care about us. I completely love her with all my heart, I'm always the one fighting to stay together whenever she breaks down and wants to breakup.

I just don't understand, why can't she just be happy with what we have? I understand that maybe she just wants to feel "wanted" when I call or ask her to do something with me, but why does it matter if I'm the one asking? She should already know that she means everything to me; this whole "calling first, making plans first" nonsense is just meaningless, unimportant details. As long as we still talk and see each other all the time, and know that we love each other, who cares? Whenever we fight, she'll always say something like she doesn't feel special. When we went snowboarding over the weekend, it was her first time. All of our friends went their separate ways, and I could've gone with them, but I stuck with her for hours on the beginner slopes, trying to coach and encourage her. She almost broke down a few times, cried, and wanted to give up, but I was there to push her through. Pardon my lack of a better phrase, but I feel like that's a pretty good demonstration of her being special to me. In our current situation, it feels like she doesn't even acknowledge what I did, or what I've done in the past.

I don't know what to do now. I can't keep telling her that I'll change, because she'll just say "that's what you said before...". What else can I say to her? Tonight, I told her that if we took a break, that I'd "prove" myself. But I don't know how! If we're on a break, I can't just call her all the time or ask her to go do something. I need advice on my next move. I'm thinking:

a) Wait for her to calm down, call back in 2-3 days

Surprise her at her place with something cute (pictures, cards, homemade desert), just something to prove I'm thinking about her

c) Call her back tomorrow night and hope for the best

Basically, I need to convince her that I'm going to change, that things will get better. Personally, I swear that I want it to. However, I can't just tell her that because I've told her that before :\.

Oh, and the funny thing is that she's rushing for a fraternity little sister program this week. She drunk dialed me last night after she went with her roommates to the info night after-party. I was tempted to ask if the timing of this has anything to do with the frat, but that'd probably just richard simmons her off more. Still, what a great time to bring this all up..

She should already know that she's everything to me anyway; this whole "calling first, making plans first" nonsense is just meaningless, unimportant details. As long as we still talk and see each other all the time, and know that we love each other, who cares?

That my friend, is the key to insecurity. Women like to think that their men are more into them than they are into him, we're not mind readers; we like things spoken and we like to feel reassured. If you don't tell her, she'll assume that you're just tired of her clinging. What's the point of having a relationship when the only one in it is 'her'?

I just don't understand, why can't she just be happy with what we have? I understand that maybe she just wants to feel "wanted" when I call or ask her to do something with me, but why does it matter if I'm the one asking? She should already know that she means everything to me; this whole "calling first, making plans first" nonsense is just meaningless, unimportant details. As long as we still talk and see each other all the time, and know that we love each other, who cares?

To be honest, I was kinda annoyed when I read that. Really, you're taking her for granted, that she'll always be there to call you, she'll always be the first to ask you out on a date. If you don't take the initiative yourself and start things first, she's gonna leave you. Most girls like a leading man in the relationship, not completely leading that the control is 100 - 0 (her having 0 control) but a healthy one with about 50-50 or 60-40.

Why does it matter if you're the one asking ? Because it suggests that you want to spend time with her and want to see her. Saying that you love her is one thing, but actually doing something to show it is another. Actually doing something to show that you wanna see her, you wanna be with her is another thing.

It's just the kind of person I am, and how I grew up. I was a big introvert in high school, and she knows that. I rarely went out, and didn't talk with many people often. However, I truly don't mind whatever we do; I'm perfectly happy with relaxing at home for a week, or spending an entire week seeing her. Honestly, I know I don't take enough initiative with our relationship. I should be calling her way more often. I swear that I want to change this, only it'll take time. But the way she phrases everything makes me seem like I don't care about us. I completely love her with all my heart, I'm always the one fighting to stay together whenever she breaks down and wants to breakup.

Know, it sounds to me like you yourself harbor some pretty insecure tendencies, too. Kinda get the feeling you don't wanna put yourself out there for fear of suffocating her or appearing overbearing and overattentive as desparity is also a turn off. But for the time being, I do think your next move should be to redirect these heartfelt thoughts over to her.

True, women are generally insecure, but being that it's in your nature to be less coordinating and more corresponding and that she was in fact well aware of this when you two began dating, I can't say that I think there's much else you should have to prove. It may very well be you're not the guy for her.

I mean I myself am convinced just by reading your post that she means a great deal to you, but if it's gonna take more than what you feel you can do to prove it to her, you'd essentially adopt the process of becoming someone other than who you are, someone other than who she's been with. I get that you're willing to change in order to cater to her needs and insecurities and it's possible she took a chance on you in the hopes you'd warm up to her in time. You've expressed a desire to be the man she wants in order to show her how much you care. If she cares as much about you, she'll have more patience imo.

The user and all related content has been deleted.

I can understand how the girl is feeling. Im sure you love her and this is something that guys never seem to understand. Just telling her you love her is different to showing her you love her. What the girl is most likely thinking is: 'If he really wanted me he'd want to make an effort to see me. he'd call me more, text me more..' When we get a text or a call from a guy it makes us feel that the guy is thinking about us - it makes us feel like they care.

We text/call because we're thinking about him so we assume that its the same the other way around - if you dont make an effort to call or make plans with her, she just thinks that you arent even thinking about her. When that happens too often... we girls get bored - we don't want to be doing the chasing all the time- it makes US feel clingy. Shes not asking you to whisk her away to a romantic dinner every day or to call every hour to see how shes doing but like a call at the end of the day to ask about how her day has been and to say goodnight would be special enough.

My BF texts me at least once in the day to ask how im doing and usually he texts me in the morning just to say good morning to me and thats enough to make me smile and feel good. Sometimes he'll text me to say 'wanna do something tonight?' and thats good too - you dont necessarily have to make all the plans, but just a suggestion of getting together is enough for us to feel wanted and loved back.

If you seriously like her and want to stay with her, you will need to put in some effort to show her that you think about her as much as she thinks about you.

sorry, I am totally with the girl friend on this one. I HATE it when guys don't take initiatives.... it's just one of those things you know.

If you think it's no big deal, then why don't you try to call her first?

And from what I have read.... it seems like you are willing to change only bc she is mad, NOT because you understand the root of the problem.

Girls are girls, we don't want to be the one that's wearing the pants in a relationship.

I would suggest you work on this... there might be a few girls out there that's willing to take initiatives... but mostly not.

If my bf did this to me, I would just break up with him, because this is a BIG problem in my mind

Hmm, you guys have a lot of good points. I can see why she might feel like shes "burdening" me sometimes, because she always has to ask me to sleepover, or ask if she can sleepover.

But I have been making effort to fix this; since school started, I've tried IMing her first more often, called her first (she even seemed surprised I called, like she said "yeah, what's up? Haha why are you calling?", texting her random tidbits of my day. It hasn't been a lot, maybe 4-5 times total over the last 2 weeks, but I'm still trying, and I don't know if she acknowledges it. She said I haven't been doing anything to change, but I have! Whenever I did contact her first, I thought she'd notice it as proof that I'm at least trying, but I guess not...

My main problem now is how we're going to talk this out. I'd like to go over to her place, maybe surprise her with a sincere gift, and just talk, but I don't know what else I can say. I can't tell her "I swear I'll change!", because I've already told her that before. I'll probably ask her to really look at the facts, and prove that I really have been trying to contact her more often recently, granted not a lot, but it's still progress. And that I acknowledge how she might feel "unwanted" at times, that being my fault of course.

Another one thing I'm scared about is how "fake" it might be. If she does give me another chance, I don't want her to feel like "oh, NOW he's calling everyday, he's only doing this to make me feel better, not because he WANTS to do it."

Hmm, you guys have a lot of good points. I can see why she might feel like shes "burdening" me sometimes, because she always has to ask me to sleepover, or ask if she can sleepover.

But I have been making effort to fix this; since school started, I've tried IMing her first more often, called her first (she even seemed surprised I called, like she said "yeah, what's up? Haha why are you calling?", texting her random tidbits of my day. It hasn't been a lot, maybe 4-5 times total over the last 2 weeks, but I'm still trying, and I don't know if she acknowledges it. She said I haven't been doing anything to change, but I have! Whenever I did contact her first, I thought she'd notice it as proof that I'm at least trying, but I guess not...

My main problem now is how we're going to talk this out. I'd like to go over to her place, maybe surprise her with a sincere gift, and just talk, but I don't know what else I can say. I can't tell her "I swear I'll change!", because I've already told her that before. I'll probably ask her to really look at the facts, and prove that I really have been trying to contact her more often recently, granted not a lot, but it's still progress. And that I acknowledge how she might feel "unwanted" at times, that being my fault of course.

Another one thing I'm scared about is how "fake" it might be. If she does give me another chance, I don't want her to feel like "oh, NOW he's calling everyday, he's only doing this to make me feel better, not because he WANTS to do it."

Study this *Takes out writer's hat*:

"I'm a jerk and I have nothing to offer but please don't leave me. I am trying, and trust me, I do want to change for you. Please do not assume that I'm changing because I'm forced to - I'm changing because I've realized that it's my only resort to keep you."

in 99% of fraternity little sister relationships there' a lot of bj going on

@flicksityy: well, can't say I've used that before. Maybe I'll work in that "changing to keep you" line when I talk to her.

@dumas. Well, this is an asian frat, if that says anything. And it's much better than the other frat she was interested in (who have a bad reputation with everyone I know). If I somehow find out she has done something with a frat guy, it'd make it much easier for me to just completely drop her out of my life. If she's the kind of girl who would do that, then I want nothing to do with her.

in 99% of fraternity little sister relationships there' a lot of bj going on

i never heard about that even though i know sororities are little s|uts.

where did you hear that from?

and to the OP, how hard is it to show some initiative? call her. call her out on a date. its NOT hard.

Reevaluate your relationship & see if its worth the effort. You guys have broke up a lot and I know thats the "trend" these days but I think if you really love someone you wouldn't break up with them. I've had this problem with my bf and he finally fixed it. He calls all the time but thats also because I've called him less and it makes him want to call me back. It's hard for a person to change so in this case if you guys do want to work it out, you really need to compromise. You need to start calling instead of saying that you'll change and she needs to accept you as an introvert.

I already know what I need to change; it's as easy as just calling her at least every other night or so, or asking her to go do something a few times a week (study at the library, workout together, anything). Simple

It's just hard to remember to "focus" on improving this because nothing ever felt wrong. I mean, I knew this was a problem when we almost broke up because of this over Winter Break. And so I've been trying more than usual to contact her a little more often. And I thought she was noticing these small changes, and over time, I'd improve more and more.

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that this was completely unexpected. The past 2 weeks have been great; we've done a ton of stuff together and talked almost daily. And I thought she had noticed my small changes so far. And then all of a sudden, after a totally normal, lovey dovey conversation, she brings this up and wants to take a break/break up again? It just came out of nowhere.

Hmm, you guys have a lot of good points. I can see why she might feel like shes "burdening" me sometimes, because she always has to ask me to sleepover, or ask if she can sleepover.

But I have been making effort to fix this; since school started, I've tried IMing her first more often, called her first (she even seemed surprised I called, like she said "yeah, what's up? Haha why are you calling?", texting her random tidbits of my day. It hasn't been a lot, maybe 4-5 times total over the last 2 weeks, but I'm still trying, and I don't know if she acknowledges it. She said I haven't been doing anything to change, but I have! Whenever I did contact her first, I thought she'd notice it as proof that I'm at least trying, but I guess not...

Unfortunately. You're attempting to change an impression which will require constant feedback until it hits a critical point where she changes her perception. Otherwise, even if you do little bits and bobs, it still won't feel enough.

If it makes you feel better. She probably does notice these moments and appreciate them there and then. But this situation is something else. It's a detached issue, it's her overall impression over long term.

My main problem now is how we're going to talk this out. I'd like to go over to her place, maybe surprise her with a sincere gift, and just talk, but I don't know what else I can say. I can't tell her "I swear I'll change!", because I've already told her that before. I'll probably ask her to really look at the facts, and prove that I really have been trying to contact her more often recently, granted not a lot, but it's still progress. And that I acknowledge how she might feel "unwanted" at times, that being my fault of course.

This is a very bad idea. I guarantee you will shoot yourself in the foot with this move.

Just focus on doing things.

She's basically asking you to progress at a little faster pace in a way.

Another one thing I'm scared about is how "fake" it might be. If she does give me another chance, I don't want her to feel like "oh, NOW he's calling everyday, he's only doing this to make me feel better, not because he WANTS to do it."

That will only occur if you go back into bad habits. If you sustain something for a long time, eventually the other person will accept that it's part of your identity. You should have a conversation about how often she'd like you to initate contact, and work with that.

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Woah, this is complicated.

Do you like her enough to attempt such a change for her? Don't forget it is not to just tide over this crisis. For as long as you are with her, you will be "forced" into taking more initiative. And that sure sounds dreadful.

Then again, many, MANY girls don't like uninitiative men(me included, but I'm trying to be objective here). The others see initiation in men as a HUGE bonus. Ergo, you will have a hard time finding another girl if you leave this one, and they will leave you sooner or later when they meet more initiative men.

It isn't even the "He's hotter/richer/more gentlemenly/brainy....." thing; It's just the feeling of being WANTED. Its a natural thing in woman, much like how guys are visual creatures.

Have you watched a movie like "He's Just Not That Into You"? For generations we have been taught that if a guy doesn't show much intitiation, he probably doesn't care much for you either. You may be an introvert, but do you honestly think that's a passable excuse?

As everyone said, being introverted is a petty excuse. If you can't take the effort and initiative to lead and do things with your girlfriend, then you might as well not be in a relationship at all! Sorry to take your girlfriend's side, just put more effort into the relationship!! To fix things, you should take her out to a real nice restaurant or take her shopping and buy her a gift as a form of apology. I'd like that :-)

The user and all related content has been deleted.

O jeez man that sounds like torture

I would just jump off of the crazy boat right now while it's still floating