I CHEATED ON HER/SHE CHEATED ON ME

[Guest dabrain]

"you don't feel love, you learn it"

what you feel now isnt love. its affection, lust, excitement, curiosity. nothing more, nothing less. love is much more. it stays when previously mentioned, temporary phenomena vanish. how can people say they truly love someone after having been together only 1 or 2 years? you can say that you love someone AFTER you have see all the flaws, AFTER you have experienced all the downsides.

while most soompiers advice to leave your wife, I'd rather advice you to try hold on to your wife and kids. there is nothing more valuable and precious in this world than family. confess and see if she is willing to forgive you. if she does, lucky you. do everything in your power to make it work. be honest, tell her about your problems and be the husband/father that your family deserves/needs. should she decide not to forgive (understandable), live with the consequences. leave them alone and try to find happiness somewhere else. i am sure though that you won't find it with Elli, if you find happiness at all ...

[Guest bona fide*]

I think infidelity is something that no one can understand unless they've been in that situation themselves.

I disapprove of everyone in this thread jumping down his throat and judging him. Good people can be tempted. He made a huge mistake. But the point is to give him advice or mature judgement and perspective -not tell him 'i never want a husband like you' or you're a 'douchebag.' How productive is that on both sides? What makes you guys think that you will never be tempted..that you might not fall off your high horse someday? Most of you probably won't, but don't blindly believe that you will never be in such a situation yourselves. Life has a funny way of biting people in the richard simmons in unexpected ways.

But there's a difference between being tempted and succumbing to that temptation and I don't think you need to be married to understand that. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if most of us have some sort of hidden desire we'd wish to fulfill but don't because of self-control. That doesn't mean we don't make errors in judgement from time to time because let's face it, we're in no way, shape or form perfect. However, in the OP's case, it's not the fact that he cheated on his wife that is bothersome, it's that he's STILL doing it, is trying to justify his actions and doesn't seem to take his wife's feelings into consideration or else he would have told her and ended the marriage already.

Plus, he threw his wedding band in a canyon... If that's not a sign of disrespect then I don't know what is.

[teaispink]

You're hoping to feel what you felt with your wife 8 - 9 years ago with Ellie. I'm sure you're old enough to know that Ellie is still young

and she obviously has a hard time knowing what is right and wrong. You're the adult here and you're being very selfish. You don't even give you and your wife

a chance to work things out before you even cheated. I understand that you haven't hit 30, but what does age has to do with this all? What you and Ellie are feeling right now is probably what you and your wife felt before... why don't you give you and wife a chance to be together again? After all, you have 2 daughters to take care of... you have to be their role model and not some guy who's afraid to face the hardship when it comes to relationship and just take the easy way out.

How would you feel if one of your daughter gets in involved in the same situation you're in. Would you tell her to leave her husband or try to work it out? What if you daughter is Ellie today? Would you tell her to leave the married man so she could find a better love life or would you tell her to steal someone else's love away?

I would love to hear how you'll feel if your wife is doing what you're doing to her today. Maybe love is fading, but it doesn't give you the right to cheat. If you haven't notice, Ellie will grow up one day and she'll leave you for someone with no strings attached to him (like your daughters). Believe it or not, that's the truth. She now says she loves you and you're the one for her no matter what happens she'll be with you, it's amazing how you believe the words of someone who is stealing someone else's love away. You can trust me, she will leave you one day like how you're leaving your wife right now.

You out of all the people in this thread should know what is the right thing to do. We may suggest you to do this and that and there will always be a good and bad in everything you choose. You put this upon yourself... suck it up and start doing the right things.

[Guest syck]

Wow, I can't believe some people in here. Who made you the moral authority all of the sudden? Did this guy cheat on you? Is it his fault that your daddy cheated on your mom, abandoned you, etc? Because I get the feeling that a lot of you are projecting.

Cursing at him, accusing him of being a bad father and that his children should rightfully hate him, telling him he should die, that's pretty low.

I agree with this statement 100%.

lol, first of all the topic starter said :"I just want to share my feelings and confusion and hear others' output."

secondly, no one made any of us moral authorities...it's called having a sense of morals. knowing right from wrong. you don't have to be Jesus to know that cheating on someone is wrong.

i agree that telling someone to die is wrong, but people have their right to state their opinions. he's the one who wanted to hear it anyway..

i'm not a teenager anymore but sometimes people in their 20's, 30's, 40's, and older are even dumber than teenagers. just look at the topic starter (26), schwarzenegger, tiger woods, bill clinton, anthony weiner, etc. just because someone is an adult doesn't make them any wiser.

why does it seem like you are defending his actions? Did this guy cheat on his wife for you? Is it your fault that he cheated on his wife, abandoned her, etc? Because I get the feeling that you are projecting. i'm kidding about this last part of course.

[kissez*]

lol, first of all the topic starter said :"I just want to share my feelings and confusion and hear others' output."

secondly, no one made any of us moral authorities...it's called having a sense of morals. knowing right from wrong. you don't have to be Jesus to know that cheating on someone is wrong.

i agree that telling someone to die is wrong, but people have their right to state their opinions. he's the one who wanted to hear it anyway..

i'm not a teenager anymore but sometimes people in their 20's, 30's, 40's, and older are even dumber than teenagers. just look at the topic starter (26), schwarzenegger, tiger woods, bill clinton, anthony weiner, etc. just because someone is an adult doesn't make them any wiser.

why does it seem like you are defending his actions? Did this guy cheat on his wife for you? Is it your fault that he cheated on his wife, abandoned her, etc? Because I get the feeling that you are projecting. i'm kidding about this last part of course.

I know cheating is wrong. Did you even bother reading what I wrote?

Do you think it's okay for people to attack this person?

One thing doesn't make a man. Yes, he cheated on his wife - he wronged her. That doesn't automatically make him a bad father.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but be mature about it.

Need I remind you guys that member bashing is not allowed on Soompi and this is exactly what some of you are doing?

And you are correct - I am the other woman. That's totally why I'm "defending" him

Guys, he's not your daddy okay lol.

[dorothy yap]

I am viewing this topic seriously and I hope my comments is being treated seriously. I am not going to paint a nice picture for him to just think or only see himself and Ellie as one but as a father and husband .. he need to take up the basic responsibility.

The way he said ... 'She doesn't work and I don't want her to be a single mom with two daughters'. Why in the world, he can't take the daughters and care for them instead of living with the mum. Let the mum free to find her life while she can cos she is 25 only if he is filing for divorce. That why he is selfish ... he only think about himself and Ellie in their lust world without the kids hello.

The problem is not about marrying at a young age and later regret ... I had friends that know each other during college and married at his age and living happily. Temptation come and go thru' your life so fact is you need to learn how to reject. I don't mind that couple break up during a relationship ... this we are talking about is a family that is going to break up soon due to his lust.

If he still care for his wife and daughters ... he should turn back and keep a positive faith and not keep thinking about Ellie.

You know there are alot of home wrecker around and they come and go ....

He said 'I cannot lose Ellie. She is everything to me. She has been the ray of sunshine in my life and I don't think I'll be able to be without her. On the other hand...I know Ellie is hurt that I wont leave my wife for her. She doesn't vocalize it,but I know. She shows me her jealousy and hurt and sadness...and it really hurts me that I'm hurting her.' - By showing her jealousy / hurt / sadness is already vocalizing, you are blinded because now you are 'in love' with her.

The whole story is developing the affection / lust over Ellie ... and only after the very last paragraph he is talking about his family. Frankly as a man you need to restrain yourself for falling over.

At the age of 18 ... they fall in love and had been in a relationship for long to know about each other and that doe not happen like suddenly.

At the age of 21 ... they decided to get marry and have kid after 1 1/2 years

At age of 26 ... then he regrets about marriage

Frankly, I think he had enough time to think thru' b4 marrying his wife

Even if you play game ... you level up right that is how life is ... you can't forever stuck at the honeymoon level.

Cos the fact that if he is not getting any sense back into his brain there is no point of us arguing over the comments.

He needs to set it right ... return to the wife and be a good husband and father. He already forgot the good about his wife.

[dorothy yap]

My link

So is he 29 or 26????

[pupluvgurl]

Own up to it and come clean. Everybody is worth the truth.

[Guest BerniePig]

All I have to say is I feel terrible for your wife that she is still in the dark about your affair.  The longer you keep it away from her the harder it is to resolve.  You need to let your wife know asap.

[Guest syck]

I know cheating is wrong. Did you even bother reading what I wrote?

Do you think it's okay for people to attack this person?

One thing doesn't make a man. Yes, he cheated on his wife - he wronged her. That doesn't automatically make him a bad father.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but be mature about it.

Need I remind you guys that member bashing is not allowed on Soompi and this is exactly what some of you are doing?

And you are correct - I am the other woman. That's totally why I'm "defending" him

Guys, he's not your daddy okay lol.

i knew you were the other girl! all jokes aside..

didn't read your first post- my mistake, sorry

i don't agree with what everyone says but whenever someone posts a topic like this there's bound to be a lot of hate. *shrug* i'm not condoning everyone else's behavior, but i think he can tell from the posts and from people who have actually experienced cheating from the other end how his wife and children could possibly take the news.

personally, if he was my father i would be disgusted.. if he put his children first he would not have cheated. he might be a great father but maybe his children won't even give him the chance because of this incident.

it's really unfortunate that this has become such a common situation. at least this guy feels bad about it.. i know people who cheated on their wives and didn't even feel remorseful. it's kind of sickening.

[sweetxsimple]

I know you don't want to hear from anyone who isn't over 20, which I think is dumb, because instead of putting an age limit, you should put MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

Let me start off by saying no, I am not here to call you names, or to criticize you for what you have done. Cheating is generally frowned upon in society, but the emotions you are going through are completely understandable.

For those who say they will never cheat-- try being in a 10 year relationship and tell me if your chemistry was the way it was before. The others are probably saying, "Yeah, but I would never cheat!" Then we can go into the topic of what is considered "cheating"? Some classify it as a physical act. Some classify it as "if you're thinking about someone else, then you're cheating."

There are always the exceptional couples, where they can live and be happy for 20+ years and stay faithful. However, that kind of couple is about 1 in a million. Never think that your relationship is the exception. There were some things that you could have done differently, but it would be pointless to tell you about it since what's done, is already done.

It seems to me that you can't figure out what to do now after everything that has happened. My philosophy in love is "Never leave someone you love for someone you like." People usually interpret that saying as "if you're going to cheat, don't do it." However, I have a different interpretation on it. The question here is: Who do you love?

I can't help you figure this question out because well, I wouldn't know what you're feeling. I will however, warn you of some things while you're contemplating on the subject. Do not mistake attraction for love. I know you were attracted to Ellie in the beginning but has that developed into love? Or is it still "attraction"? Also, please keep an open mind while thinking about it, because in your OP, your writing strongly suggests that you're on Eliza's side.

For your wife, after the ten years you've been together, yes I know you've lost the attraction, but were you two happy together? Who could you see a future with, realistically? Given that Ellie is 9 years younger than you, is her mentality the same as yours? Searching for that one love? Or is she merely enjoying the role play, aka she works as your assistant, you're her boss... etc. etc. You know what happens there.

These are some questions for you and only you to think about. And I hope you find out what you're really after. Good luck!

[Guest yukinohana]

I got nothing to say you to you on morals and respect and stuff, it doesnt really matter.

im not here to judge.

But as for advise ( if you`re looking for it)

divorce your wife. i know A LOT of marriages where cheating was involved ( with kids and without)

some women tried to hang on to the marriage and keep it going

but ultimately you are going to put her under a lot of stress because of this

understand you are probably going to lose your kids.

i doubt she will give you any custody.

but that was the path you chose when you decided to have an outside relationship

you probably should have divorced her first and then had the relationship

but what done is done so there is not point thinking what ifs.

[Guest HavenInMuse]

Sure, you say now that you cheated on your wife because SHE doesn't seem to have any affection for you, SHE doesn't kiss you, have sex with you, doesn't look attractive to you anymore, etc etc etc. What have YOU done? Did you do anything about it? Do you know where it all went wrong? Did you talk to her, try to find out what's happened, and fix it? You two couldve gone marriage counseling, or (maybe) decide that you two are no longer in a loving marriage, and then divorce? No one goes from a loving relationship to mush for NO REASON. There has to be stuff you're just not telling us...

 I won't say anything more about the cheating, but you have got to stop blaming everything on your wife to justify your own actions.

[Guest hkukaudition]

Sure, you say now that you cheated on your wife because SHE doesn't seem to have any affection for you, SHE doesn't kiss you, have sex with you, doesn't look attractive to you anymore, etc etc etc. What have YOU done? Did you do anything about it? Do you know where it all went wrong? Did you talk to her, try to find out what's happened, and fix it? You two couldve gone marriage counseling, or (maybe) decide that you two are no longer in a loving marriage, and then divorce? No one goes from a loving relationship to mush for NO REASON. There has to be stuff you're just not telling us...

 I won't say anything more about the cheating, but you have got to stop blaming everything on your wife to justify your own actions.

Agreed. Sure i dont have much experience but i know that even in my relationship, it got to the point where things were kinda.. boring- even sex was boring and i actually started to not want to do it anymore. In the end i told him how i felt and so we're changing things to make it more exciting again- its still taking a while but we're starting to rekindle the spark we had right at the beginning.

I think its important that the couple can talk if they feel like the spark is gone because if you dont then it'll just deteriorate.

[Guest laffly]

Sure, you say now that you cheated on your wife because SHE doesn't seem to have any affection for you, SHE doesn't kiss you, have sex with you, doesn't look attractive to you anymore, etc etc etc. What have YOU done? Did you do anything about it? Do you know where it all went wrong? Did you talk to her, try to find out what's happened, and fix it? You two couldve gone marriage counseling, or (maybe) decide that you two are no longer in a loving marriage, and then divorce? No one goes from a loving relationship to mush for NO REASON. There has to be stuff you're just not telling us...

 I won't say anything more about the cheating, but you have got to stop blaming everything on your wife to justify your own actions.

Exactly.

OP, what have you done to try to help the marriage? Your wife doesn't show you affection, but have you been showing it to her? Seems as though both of you stopped trying, and neither one of you made any effort to rectify the situation before you decided to put your d!ck in someone else.

You haven't told us what exactly happened that made your marriage this way. What exactly caused you two to go from having a loving marriage to becoming mere "roommates"? It doesn't sound like the lack of effort was only coming from your wife's side.

[Guest Dremoor_NP]

Marriages are going to meet that plateau...and it's easier to let it drop off...maybe your wife isn't affectionate towards you because you're not behaving that way towards her? People mirror each other...and if she doesn't feel that warmth from you as a husband, you're not going to get it from her either.

And yeah, Ellie looks amazing in comparison to this stale woman who's done the years mothering your children. But Ellie gets the nice part of you. She doesn't have to come home and put up with your sh't...because honestly, marriage is beyond love and lust and passion...a lot of it is co-existing and trying to function as a couple.

You're gonna see Ellie's ugly sides too...but whoever you choose, just man up and choose one rather than f'ing with them both. Good luck. I feel horrible for your wife and kids.

[mintcracker]

I don't care if your wife beats you, if you had a problem, work at it or get the eff out of the marriage. Don't try to justify your actions cos they can't be justified. What happened to 'for better or worse?' It makes me frustrated when ppl don't take their vows seriously.

This ellie chick... She has no morals. Coming onto somebody who's married? I mean seriously? ^ and we've already seen part of her bad side. She is all 'me memememe' and is doing things with a married guy.... What a catch aye lol.

Who cares if she's lovey dovey with you. You don't love her, and she doesn't love you. It's called infatuation. I guess you need some excitement in your life? Please DO update when you tell your wife. Boy do I feel for her.

[kissez*]

i knew you were the other girl! all jokes aside..

didn't read your first post- my mistake, sorry

i don't agree with what everyone says but whenever someone posts a topic like this there's bound to be a lot of hate. *shrug* i'm not condoning everyone else's behavior, but i think he can tell from the posts and from people who have actually experienced cheating from the other end how his wife and children could possibly take the news.

personally, if he was my father i would be disgusted.. if he put his children first he would not have cheated. he might be a great father but maybe his children won't even give him the chance because of this incident.

it's really unfortunate that this has become such a common situation. at least this guy feels bad about it.. i know people who cheated on their wives and didn't even feel remorseful. it's kind of sickening.

I knew there was going to be backlash but there were certain comments that really crossed the line.

People are being really judgmental. Just because some of you feel disgusted, you shouldn't keep hammering away at that point. I don't see how the way YOU feel about this situation is beneficial to him. He's mainly looking for advice; not to hear some of you preach about what a foul person you think he is.

And you're not his children; you don't know how they will react.

Guys, stop with the "if you were my father I'd hate you forever!!" - he's not your daddy.

I just don't understand why everyone is taking this so personally or feel it's their place to call him names.

He still wants to take care of his wife and children to the best of his ability.

Yes, he made a mistake (and is continuing to make it) but he's trying to do right by them now.

I don't know about anyone else but I don't like kicking people when they're down.

[mintcracker]

Cheating continuously is not a 'mistake'

There is a conscious CHOICE to make it.

^ and we don't know how they'll react? Even though I've not experienced infidelity within a family context (tho within a relationship, yes), alot of soompi members have. We are all human beings. And we all experience some of the same emotions when our trust is betrayed.

You think the kids are gonna jump up and down on the spot and give their old man a 'pat on the back'??

Obviously not.

[kissez*]

Cheating continuously is not a 'mistake'

There is a conscious CHOICE to make it.

^ and we don't know how they'll react? Even though I've not experienced infidelity within a family context (tho within a relationship, yes), alot of soompi members have. We are all human beings. And we all experience some of the same emotions when our trust is betrayed.

You think the kids are gonna jump up and down on the spot and give their old man a 'pat on the back'??

Obviously not.

I never said they'd congratulate their father lol but not wanting anything to do with him ever again is on the extreme side.

I don't consider his cheating the "mistake". The real mistake is lying and not filing for divorce when the ship was starting to go down. Right now, I doubt he considers his relationship with Ellie a mistake. It appears he feels as though she is The One. Which is fine. But leave your wife then.