andydz
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Posts posted by andydz
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Doing me a favour or my mother a favour?
Haven’t spoke with my mother in four months. She will be returning to where I am in three days. Asked me over the phone whether she would Like me have her bring back my branded bags which I kept back in my home country. I told her no thank you... I kept those bags there for a reason and those bags are not suitable for wet and humid weather. Frowning away, she hung up the phone.
Clueless to why my mother took it grumpily.
Reason? The favour of her initiating to bring the bags back to me was not really full complete attention for my keepsake or for me. It was meant for my mother. I suppose the question should be, “I found a few of your bags, I’m taking them back with me so I could use them.” In order to not show being needy and desperate, best to ask in favour me. How intelligent? How naive do they think of me?
There’s history behind this “bag bragging business”
Every trips she makes on her travels ends up with a new branded bag for her to show off to her friends. (Apologies to all: my fault that I created this expectation for my mom as I had bought her over six new branded bags for the past eight years - ATTENTION - don’t spoil your parents like what I did).
Since I didn’t contribute and pampered her with luxurious goodies for the past year, her supplies of bragging was cut short to the point my mother had to dig out from my closet for her use. Even though, I said NO...
do you think....
a) mom will bring back my branded good without my permission anyways
B- ask me to buy her a bag
C - bring back my bag and other branded goods and if I do come across from it... it will be all by mistake and by accident
it’s just unbelievable how my parents continue to take me in as a fool and gullible to believe they would think I want my bags?!?!?
lame excuse .. bad terrible planning... easily revealed.... sad sad...
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On 11/8/2017 at 8:45 PM, CamelKnight said:
Your brother is going to understand you quite quickly. And soon, he too will push them away since he can't be working to support so many people. Not in this day and age with these wages and these prices in stores.
To be honest, where I live (Netherlands), the elderly aren't that much of a burden as we've got a fairly okay pensionsystem in place. People pay during their work to build up their own pension. It's not exactly mandatory, but you'll hardly find a business here that doesn't offer a pension of sorts to their employees.
Hi @CamelKnight
In fact my parents in Canada ... also got pension as well. Should be decent amount for them to enjoy. Amount should be good enough for food, transport and living. Health is 100% covered. It should be all good, but my father has been dumping money into his hobby by withdrawing, mortgaging his fully paid house. In that case, my brother has been paying off the bank to get the house back.
Sadly, to make it not look that bad... on ma dad’s ego... he educated (or shall I say manipulate) the family that he took mortgage to get me a second hand car worth 22k CAD. I am not too sure, if getting 22k cash consider mortaging property...is really bad money management on my fatger’s behalf.
Weird but u don’t like the concept of loans or mortgage..
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6 hours ago, angelangie said:
well....i have my mother living with me but i think i'm more fortunate my mom take care of household chores for me....she is a full times housewife....my brothers are all working....and all of us contributed to make the family stay afloat....she might on off ask me to buy stuff for her but still it was within reason and she take note not to be over as she know all about the hike of cost of living.....
however i have my grandma living with me now....but she is less appreciative of what we are doing for her....and my uncle is also staying with me but he made up for what she lack....so i guess i have no complain....
but i did learn if they are un-appreciative....slowly distant yourself....you do not have to go through the pain of ppl always blaming you....and also like whatever you have done is not enough for them....
Thank you @angelangie for your feedback and your share. You are indeed quite fortunate to have a helping mom.
My my mom is quite spoiled. According to my father, he promised my mom to live a very Luxurious lifestyle - work free and when he was losing his ability to fulfill, he placed this promise on my shoulders.
On on top of home allowance, I had weekly surprises of gifts for my mom; branded bags, branded clothes, branded top line cosmetic goods, shoes... you name it.. she got it. She only appreciates ones with the price tag there so it determines the value, making her feel important as I spend my fortune on her.
How was she spoiled? Check this out! Cutting Back on home allowance, made me feel guilty, so I saved enough for a trip To go with them on a five day (air flares, accommendation and meals - all inclusive). It was a low budget trip and we stayed at a home (AirB&B). My parents were disgusted. I ended up sick (fever 41.2 degree for more than 28 hours) as i was stressed to please my parents; well known and best Restro, fun filled activities in town (so my parents could brag about after the trip to their friends) know all the exact routes from one place to another by heart. No wifi or printer, just pen and paper to note down all potential places to go to and back ups for any alternatives if Restro closes. My loving parents only found out I was fevering after 20 hours later when I couldn’t get up from bed. I was sent directly to the hospital. Felt better after the visit. Later on the trip, Mom crashed the rental car. As a spoiled wife, had to make her feel better and no finger pointing as she felt terrible within already. From this incident, she scolded me in public (while I was still under medication) ‘Trip of torture’ explaining to me, “never in my life have i been on a trip being under so much pressure to drive. It is the worst trip ever and don’t you dare invite me to another trip ever again. I hate this. I have enough of you!” I suppose me, paying for the trip, arranging (bad arrangements and not as organized as I thought), being sick, having her crash her car, paying for the wreckage all my fault. She’s a handful!
How i wish my mom could help me.... there was once when I needed the most help. I took leave from work to take care of my baby but I had to go to the Physio doctor due to my back pain from an accident. I asked my mom to look after my baby for two hours only. She suggested to have the Physio therapist to come to my home instead so I could take care of my own baby. It is rude and irresponsible to ask for help and leaving my child behind. She quoted, “you should hold the responsibility to take care of your own child and not to rely on others to help you- not even for a single minute!”
therefore, I really admire to see the grandparents, playing with their grand children when I walk in the park. How they carry them, bring them to the park and eat lunch with them. My parents had stated clearly that, the only condition for them to be one on one with my child was when I’m around or having a helper there.
i believe in what comes around goes around. My parents believe so too. They educated me to observe how they treat their own parents so I can treat them the same. However, in cases as per above, how could I take them seriously or give them respect as my parents? Or for my child’s grandparents?
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15 hours ago, CamelKnight said:
@andydz So he's running a business that has no reason to exist other than being your moneypit? If you were a miljonair I'd say go for it, but this doesn't seem to be the case. Perhaps it's about time the old geezer learns about humility and falls flat on his nose when his business fails.
3 months? I would've cut off all contact. Apparently you, your husband and your daughter aren't important to them. Let them rot. You don't need them and it's clear they don't need you either.
It's not you. Let's get that clear. You've gone above and beyond what a daughter should do for her parents. Their complete lack of thankfullness is disgusting. Their love for money is appalling. If money is this important to them, perhaps they should've spent YOUR money more wisely.
There's no doubt in my mind that you'll never see any of the money you paid them. As your father so bluntly told you: "it's his retirement money" and he's not going to share it with you, let alone keep it safe for you. Let it be an expensive lifelesson and cut that umbilical cord. You've started feeding them through it instead of them feeding you.
You got that right @CamelKnight
Appreciation never existed ... just taken for granted... agree to distant from them cause I don’t want my child to go through the same practice my parents had been brainwashing me about; raising a child (like myself) is an investment and will get returns when old age comes.....
For the time being, I’m actually backing off and pushing them to my brother to have the taste of spoiling my parents. Since people are living longer my brother will need to support my grandmother (in her early 90s) and my parents (incapable to support themselves) in addition to his wife and two children of his.
I suppose.... the ageing population makes it a burden to the younger generation where the cost of living and working isn’t easier....
anyone experiencing the same?
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2 hours ago, CamelKnight said:
@andydz Girl, cut that cord. NOW.
Your parents are living off of you. It seems your dad, sorry to say, is a lazy bum and your mom is neglecting her duties as a parent. Both are, actually. Actually, I'm not sorry. He's a lazy bum and should be working himself to support his family. They did NOT put you on this world to provide for them.
Sure, you can help out financially, but the amount of cash you've already given them is enough to support an entire household without extra income. If they're struggling, it's their problem. Not yours. Not anymore.
If your brother sides with them, cut ties with him too. You don't need these people in your life. You have a husband and a kid to care for, that's more than enough.For parents who are telling you you're too focused on money, they are extremely focused on money themselves. They keep wanting more cash while you've got other bills to pay. No more. Cut those diseases out of your life. You don't need them and apparently, they only need you for your money. They don't even care enough to visit their own grandchild, YOUR CHILD.
Gosh this makes me mad.
Thank you @CamelKnight for your feedback. Much appreciated. Actually my dad is working at the moment in his late 60s. He made a bad choice in investing his cash (or my cash) into some business. It is kinda worse than gambling. This business is going downhill and losing money from start but it is what he is comfortable with and find himself useful so he continued it. I refer it as a very expensive hobby to keep my prideful dad busy and useful. He would pity himself to be still working in his late 60s and not retiring.
That’s correct, after I stopped paying my parents allowance, they never paid a visit to see their grand child. It took them three months (from the day I was scolded for not paying for mom’s surgery) to pay a visit to see their grandchild.
I am really confused, not sure what’s wrong and can’t imagine the power of money could be so strong to even buy time and attention to care for love ones like grandchildren....
it might be me.. spoiling them from start..
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Duplicated
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On 10/24/2017 at 8:07 PM, radiocat02 said:
Whats the purpose of life? eat money sleep repeat
To support love ones?
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New to this... please bear with me and hear me out...
1- been confused and couldn’t determine what’s right and wrong (e.g. Was it wrong of me to buy something nice for myself with my first pay cheque? Why did I feel guilty about it?)
2- been raised to set family before myself and take into consideration of others (e.g. Every gift, item, travel spent must be inclusive of their existence)
3- better to offer than to receive (e.g. Never ask, always give, don’t take money too seriously, don’t be so money-orientated, parents will save for me, portrayed themselves as my safety personal piggy bank)
I suppose all was true and ways to show I was a respectful disciplined child.... until my job scope changed... got raised in salary... then soon... plans of my own wedding....
1- PARENTS highly recommended to pay ONE FULL YEAR home allowance in advance after my husband proposed - same year when I got married. This became rather difficult where I had been paying a monthly allowance and saving less than 1k usd for myself. To cough up a full year of 50k usd was TOUGH.
2- PROVIDE for my parents and all expenses for the wedding was a must. My husband and I had to cover all the wedding banquet cost... down to my parents’ clothings (zero input from them)
3- TAKEN for granted, my parents took all my wedding favours provides by my family and friends. That’s right! Cash! Cheque! Gone! No input from them yet I felt I was robbed. Asked to return the favours back to help me pay for the banquet bills, shocker to them and that was not the practice and referred me as disrespectful money orientated child. They eventually kept my money, as they said for keepsake for me in times of emergency.
4- RESPECT for my parents was a must. Even after I got married. I was educated to provide and continue to earn for my parents. This was the gesture of love and appreciation. Fortunately, my husband disagreed but kept his silence.
5- PREGNANT was greatest news for me. Continued to work till the second last day of delivery. Mentioned three months before delivery to my parents that I could no longer provide home allowance for them as I need to save and support for my baby. Discontented parents held their tongue. Two months before delivery of my child provided the last bulk of cash for parents, hopefully they could use the cash upon my difficult times and for my newborn if possible. Same day, they offered the money to mom’s brother crying for help and in need of money. Depressed and felt sorry for myself- pregnant lady with seven months baby earning for her parents and another family pleading for cash?!? How I wish to be resting in bed rather than working myself off.
6- ARRIVAL of my newborn, given receipts of what parents spent for me and baby. First time telling them, I couldn’t pay them back, hadn’t been working, didn’t have extras... besides, I paid them in advance already - of course.. advance payment was disregarded (my usual gesture was to pay back with extras e.g. it cost 700, pay 800 or 1000 - if the exact amount is paid, they would feel offended)
7- BROTHER’s wedding after three months. Also, I went back to work and spent my entire paycheque on a gift I chose for my sister in law. Dad called after brother’s wedding to confirm what I got for my brother. They assumed I would be getting them a two watches but ended up with a pearl pendant was rather disappointing. Was scolded for getting something so invaluable and low cost. Expressed my troubles and refreshes their memory that I had given them what I had before I gave birth. I had been working one month only and this was what I could afford. The call ended abruptly. (Bonus note: I had nothing from my parents and my brother was offered a house from them)
8- EXTRA cash was given to them after I gave birth. I suppose it would be difficult fir them if I cut back entirely. With extras, my daughter and I were welcomed and invited weekly to visit them while they cooked meals which they emphasized greatly how costly homecook meal cost. I just wanted my child to spend time with grandparents.
9- CUT BACK completely ended up with frowns as expected and not welcomed to their home so I suggested to eat out which they didn’t enjoy or prefer. Invited them over my place, complained it was too far and costly on gasoline. So i guess, kinda spoiled them with the money giving and giving them the chance to see their grandchild without putting in any effort.
10- SURGERY for my mom was needed and I expressed my concerned by accompanying my dad to visits and stayed over to see what I could help out. Inquiried about cash issue which I expressed that I couldn’t help as I had other commitments. Dad flared up and angrily disappointed. Reminded him to use the money they claimed to save for me to cover the hospital cost and I had no intention to use it. He warned me not to touch it and those bulk was meant to be his retirement money.
11- DISAPPOINTED as I seemed as though my parents were giving me hope and brainwashing me to contribute all this while.
12- MORE SCOLDS from my brother, (my guess) dad embarrassed to contact me after sending me a letter for being displeased for not supporting the family. I held my silence, sinking deeper into my solitude. It was then I learnt from my brother my parents had spent 50k usd upon my wedding to support me and asking, “What else do you expect from our parents, they did what they can to support you?” When I clarified the false information, brother grew quiet, neglecting the lie and forgive them.
So now, I continue to pay my respect and invite them for dinner so their spending will keep to a minimal. I understand they may be tight in cash but I am certain there was much I provided previously which should put them in good use. Their birthday is soon, I wish to provide them a decent good meal but as per gifts... I rather not. Previously been spoiling them with costly ones, can’t live up that standard for them anymore.
Questions come...
Was I brainwashed?
How should I treat my parents moving forward?
Should I provide or support my parents?
Is it wrong of me to be paranoid?
Am I considered a victim here?
Any suggestions or thoughts would help
Thank you
Having A Bad Day? Wanna Rant? Right This Way!
in soompi hangout
Posted
Someone has been taking advantage of How so? Final message to her.....
I have spent the last month reflecting upon our time together. I understand that you say you've also taken the time to self reflect, but why did you
1) try to kidnap my dogs from the shelter
2) quit your full time job
3) stalk me
4) attempt to log in my email account
5) spread rumours of me
how could i face what you did to me over the past several weeks or shall I say years?
Let me clear up some loose ends here. The lease ends mid January. I do not owe you anything and don’t have the responsibility to pay for your living. Don’t expect me to pay for your rent “while you date other guys”. Am I your sugar dad? Did you think you could get away with it when you said that?
You have spent the last several years disrespecting, bullying and mentally and financially abusing me.
You threatened me with suicide multiple times, beat the dogs when you were disagreed upon, mad or drunk, and even went so far as to plan three weddings without my consent but had me paid for all of it. Note that I never agreed to marriage, nor did I ever propose to you. I only knew about our ‘wedding’ when you sent out the ‘save the date’ invites (less than two months before the wedding). Was it our marriage or several shows tailor-made for you?
My departure in late November was not by choice, but my only option to leave behind my relationship with you. You made the attempt to take my dogs as hostage, stormed into my office for an explanation, screamed 'thief' out in the street to have me pushed down like a criminal and bellowed in the hospital after your arrest in front of three policemen when they pulled you back in from the window ledge. What does this tell of you?
I know that you have asked your friends to act on your behalf, and have also contacted your friends with your version of the story to track me down. You have that right, but note that for every friend that you contact, I will also tell them the full story, not just your version.
Do not even think about finding out where I am, where the dogs are, or visiting my workplace. I have informed building management and my colleagues to call the police if you are even seen anywhere near these locations. Given your history, I already have enough evidents to apply for a restraining order from you.
I hope you seek professional help for yourself, and become a better person in the future.
Thoughts anyone?
Prediction to what she will respond after?