Modern Dating: Too sensitive to play the game

Like many of you, I was raised by traditional Asian parents. I was told that if I did well in school and got a good career, everything else in my life would be taken care of. Now, I've done all that. I've done reasonably well for myself in terms of career and financial matters. I have friends from all walks of life and I love them all, even the ones I've lost touch with as the years went by.

I haven't been very successful in dating and for years, I didn't know why. But now I think I do know. I hate the game. I've always been a sensitive person. I hate hurting others and fear being hurt by others. Getting rejected is the worst feeling in the world. And there are times when I've rejected others too. I just hate all of it. But friends tell me, yeah it sucks but you have to play the game if you want to find the right person. That's easy for them to say that when they already have a serious girlfriend.

I don't think it's girls' fault or guys' fault. Nobody is to blame. But it's just the whole nature of how things are done.

Technology has a lot to do with it. There are lots of online dating sites and speed-dating services. It seems like there is a see of availability out there but it turns people into commodities. They become like commercial products. Its' easy to forget that these are living breathing people here with feelings.

When I'm rejected by a girl, I take it pretty hard. Is there something wrong with me? Why does she like that guy but not me? What makes him better?

At the end of the day, it's not about whether my standards are too high, or if I'm too self-entitled, or if I'm just meeting the wrong people. It's just that I hate the whole nature of the game. The rejections. The humiliations. The pain. Having to hurt others. We're probably the first generation that has to deal with this level of rejection in society. We live in big vibrant cities but nobody knows or talks to each other. Everyone only has a small circle of trusted friends that they rarely venture out of.

Anyone feel like this and just want to give up? Yet it's not easy to truly give up because we are social animals and we have needs and desires. But sometimes the pain just becomes intolerable.

Yes I'm a guy. And I'm not some creepy unattractive guy who stays home playing dungeons and dragons all day. I'm quite an accomplished person. Girls have told me that I'm a good guy and most girls would probably give me a chance. But I'm just too sensitive for all this. I think my brain has been damaged somehow.

you want your partner to just magically appear at your front door.unfortunately, you will have to play the "game".like any other game, you will have your setbacks, but you have to try again.
this being "too sensitive" sounds like an excuse of being too lazy. 

Everyone cares to some degree. But ideally, (especially for guys), you should try not to take rejections personally. The less you care about how others judge you, the more you can be who you are.
The key to success in dating/courtship is really to 1) accept the true reality that not everyone will like you (people think differently, some may even be ignorant, are you really going to take everyone into consideration?), 2) be comfortable in your own skin (there is nothing wrong with you), and 3) find your own passions in life and enjoy them (for yourself, not for others). The bottom line is, you need to really be who you are, without being influenced.
I have brought this up in many other posts before. Guys (especially Asian American) tend to:1) Care too much about failures. If you go to the shoe store and you were trying a pair of shoes but they did not fit you, are you going to take that personally and cry about it? Or are you just going to put them down, grab another pair and try again?2) Follow certain "rules" so strictly and inflexibly that they cannot judge within context. They begin to feel uncomfortable if the rules are being broken. As well, they may even follow rules so strictly that at times when breaking the rule as an exception is appropriate, they still cannot do so. Bottom line: cannot judge for themselves. (Usually because of how they are raised - Typical Asian way)3) Do things based on what others think. This can be an influence by your parents (e.g. instead of guiding you, they tell you what you're supposed to do. Typical examples are do well in school, play piano or violin, etc.) This type of thinking is then extended to all parts of your life.4) Seek others' approval. When approved, positive feelings are found (and reinforced. Usually one of the only source of positive feelings). When disapproved, strong negative feelings (such as fear and intimidation) are elicited. This is usually because the Asian parents only gave positive reinforcements (most predominantly, love) when you are following the rules (as described in #2), or when you are doing what was told (obeying, such as in #3). There is a HUGE difference between not doing disrespectful things because A) you believe those things are wrong and not the right thing to do (for your OWN belief), and you are intimidated or scared of conflicts with others or if others are upset. A) This is why successful confident guys are respectful. This is why most unsuccessful (Asian American) guys seem to be respectful.Although through one single situation, people may or may not be able to tell if you were being "respectful" because of reason A or B. But as you interact with a girl more (especially when you do so with one that you are into), she will form an impression of you overall. By then, they can tell whether or not you do things because of your own belief, or because you are intimidated by others.
In terms of how they were raised, I can give you a typical example.Reason A) Usually a lot of White guys are like this. Their parents would probably say "Good job Billy! See? You have learned and improved so much since the last time! You really love hockey!", focusing on progress, the journey, and their own love/passion, regardless of the outcome. These guys learn to not take failures personally. This does not develop the "approval" mentality. They do what they love to do and growing (progress) is also part of what they love. Eventually, they are used to doing things FOR THEMSELVES, not for parents, not for teachers, not for others judging. This type of guys tend to not only succeed in dating, but also in life.
Reason Usually a lot of Asian guys are like this. Their parents would probably say "Good job Billy" when they get A's on tests. They focus on outcome. These guys would tend to take failures very seriously because, to them, only good outcomes would receive satisfaction (positive reinforcements from parents). This develops the "approval from parents" (and eventually from girls) in everything they do. Guys like this tend to give girls gifts or do them favors for no apparent reason. They believe this will make them impressed (making someone impressed is, indirectly, trying to get them to approve). As you may already know, girls are looking for men whom they can depend on. Obviously, a man whose actions always seem to be seeking approval from others would not be an attractive one.
5) Become intimidated by an attractive girl, to the point where you forget who you are. A girl is still a human being, just like you. Yet time after time, these guys focus so much on how to impress the girl that they forget to (or cannot) be themselves. They misunderstand that girls do not become attracted to a guy for something(s) guys directly do to the girls they like, but for the guys' behavior (actions, thoughts, and beliefs) for other people (everyone) everyday.6) Try too hard, such as showing off, or forcibly doing or talking about something that they are good at (or to show they are good at something or achieved something). Sure, achievements can be attractive. But when you try hard to talk about it (especially when the girls never meant to ask you), it easily shows that you are insecure and you have to intentionally show them the best side of you. My "opposite principle" states that the more a person tries hard to show one side of the story, the more it is likely that he is insecure of the other side. Bottom line: trying hard is not being yourself.
These are some of the common reasons why most guys can't present themselves as attractive as they could have. I also stated many of these perspectives in my "Common mistakes guys make" article. Of course, a lot of these things are easier said than done. It is difficult to change overnight with a few advice. Usually, one would need to understand the psychology behind dating in depth, practice in real life, learn from failures, and repeat. Also, the psychology of the female mind can also be a very important aspect to understand (interesting too!). If you wish to know more in detail about succeeding in dating, you can message me privately and I can definitely help you out in depth.

livingforhistory said: Like many of you, I was raised by traditional Asian parents. I was told that if I did well in school and got a good career, everything else in my life would be taken care of. Now, I've done all that. I've done reasonably well for myself in terms of career and financial matters. I have friends from all walks of life and I love them all, even the ones I've lost touch with as the years went by.

I haven't been very successful in dating and for years, I didn't know why. But now I think I do know. I hate the game. I've always been a sensitive person. I hate hurting others and fear being hurt by others. Getting rejected is the worst feeling in the world. And there are times when I've rejected others too. I just hate all of it. But friends tell me, yeah it sucks but you have to play the game if you want to find the right person. That's easy for them to say that when they already have a serious girlfriend.

I don't think it's girls' fault or guys' fault. Nobody is to blame. But it's just the whole nature of how things are done.

Technology has a lot to do with it. There are lots of online dating sites and speed-dating services. It seems like there is a see of availability out there but it turns people into commodities. They become like commercial products. Its' easy to forget that these are living breathing people here with feelings.

When I'm rejected by a girl, I take it pretty hard. Is there something wrong with me? Why does she like that guy but not me? What makes him better?

At the end of the day, it's not about whether my standards are too high, or if I'm too self-entitled, or if I'm just meeting the wrong people. It's just that I hate the whole nature of the game. The rejections. The humiliations. The pain. Having to hurt others. We're probably the first generation that has to deal with this level of rejection in society. We live in big vibrant cities but nobody knows or talks to each other. Everyone only has a small circle of trusted friends that they rarely venture out of.

Anyone feel like this and just want to give up? Yet it's not easy to truly give up because we are social animals and we have needs and desires. But sometimes the pain just becomes intolerable.

Yes I'm a guy. And I'm not some creepy unattractive guy who stays home playing dungeons and dragons all day. I'm quite an accomplished person. Girls have told me that I'm a good guy and most girls would probably give me a chance. But I'm just too sensitive for all this. I think my brain has been damaged somehow.

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I don't mean this as a knock on you at all, livingforhistory, but I do wonder if it isn't an entitlement issue. As you mentioned, basically you were taught from a young age that if you worked hard in school and got a good job that everything else would fall into place. But romance is no different than those things, it requires you to put in work/effort. Obviously you're willing and able to do that in the other areas of your life, I'm curious why you are no longer willing to do that with your love life.

If you take my analogy further and continue to compare it to academics/career -- it's not like most of us get the job we want right out of college. Many of us deal with rejections at work, companies that don't want to hire us, schools that aren't willing to offer us the scholarships we want (or even accept us in some cases). I was turned down for 5-10 other similar jobs before I got my current job. My graduate degree was from my 3rd or 4th choice when it came to applying to grad schools. Likewise, our love lives require this similar kind of work and continuous effort. At least that's my position on it, I don't mean to psychoanalyze you, as I've been in the same position and have considered giving up on love because of a frustration with my experiences. But I do think if you applied the same go get 'em attitude to love that you have to the successful academic and career-related elements of your life that you would have considerably more success.

@livingforhistory

I won't generalize and say ALL girls but most girls probably have no idea the pain of rejection and how humiliating it can be. They just sit around waiting for guys to approach them and shoot down the ones who fail to meet their standard and think nothing more of it. I'm not saying girls shouldn't have standards and that they are somehow obligated to like a guy just because he's "nice." Not at all.

But I find rejection is done very quickly these days and often without any thought. A girl will turn a guy down without even giving him a chance just because he doesn't fit the physical profile of someone she dreams about.

After all, in today's fast-paced world with high technology, guys are just a dime a dozen. He barely registers as a human being.

 I was told that if I did well in school and got a good career, everything else in my life would be taken care of. <--- That is your problem lol. I don't blame you though and I'm positive that a lot of people were told that also. But if you ever really want to be good at something in life, you have to put time into it. Doing well in school and having a great job means nothing more that what it is. I also think too many people share this similar idea that you have. Often times you see these more "career oriented" or "highly academic oriented" people complain about why the opposite sex usually go for the "less successful in a way" individual (which is nothing more than their perception). They feel either feel cheated(not fair) or the opposite sex is stupid. But in reality, relationship, girls, career and everything else in life require some practice for you be good at it. So instead of avoiding the game, just keep playing it and get better. Also dating itself is a game, but relationship itself is another, so just don't walk in expecting a smooth sail (as said before everything in life takes practice).

I say take a break from dating. If you're not what the media says is popular to like you're kind of screwed. Most women lie too much and put their trust in the wrong dudes. Then when the effort of trust they put in the wrong dudes goes badly the right comes guy along and we get mistreated and overlooked for things we didn't do. Or the girl has a boyfriend and she's trying to juggle you and her bf until things look like they're getting serious and then she gets back with her bf like nothing ever happened. Or the girl is chasing an unrealistic fantasy of some fictional media character/representation. It gets effin ridiculous.

Meh. This is my take on it...the saying has been around many times but it's the truth no matter how some of you try and deny it.

The (majority) of decent girls will always go for the bad a.ss guys and then when they get cheated on/treated poorly wave their hands up in the air and ask "Where did all the good guys go?!?". They left them in the friendzone... duh.

OP don't sweat too much. Continue pursuing and one day you will meet the girl who appreciates you for who you are.

^good guys are winning just as much. you mostly hear badasses winning because girls have no war stories to tell when they land a keeper. though i dont deny that being a bad richard simmons does help, but at the same time its a dumb reason guys use for their failures.