Do Your Parents Know ¨who You Are¨?

[ai-Do1Ce]

We're on the same boat. I feel like I just read something about myself.

The only key difference is that my language barrier is Korean. I can read, write, and speak it very fluently, but I can't quite express myself like I can in English. Very frustrating when you're arguing with your parents. A lot of times I'll be arguing with my parents (usually my mom) and then I'll just stop talking because I don't know what to say to her and she'll just keep yabbering on and on and on and get the impression that she's right and that I'm silent because I've realized that she's right. Then I'd get so damn frustrated that the tears just come, and then she'll go "What are you crying for? You're in the wrong, stop acting like you're so innocent." I honestly hate her whenever that happens.

I know it's not entirely my parents' fault that there's such a problem between us, but the fact that they just don't take the time and effort to forget what they want from me and instead get to know their own daughter and what I want with my own life, well then, things would be so much better. No more ignoring my efforts to do what they want me to do, no more criticizing me when those efforts don't give the expected results, no more talking over me, no more expecting me to believe that they know what's best for me.

I also think it's practically impossible for Asian immigrant parents to fully understand you and why you act and think the way you do. There's the ever-imposing generation gap, and then there's also the impossible-to-bridge cultural gap. Thus the reason why I hide so much from my parents, why they will never truly know the "real" me, and why I have such a stronger bond to my boyfriend and my best friend than my own parents. Blood is not thicker than water in my case.

i really thank you for this post, made me feel better =)

[Guest Hιtσмι]

i think you're not alone on this one

i too have the same language barrier between my mom and i

and this one time i just couldn't handle the stress and the miss communication between the both of us

and of course i wanted to talk to her but my words and vocabs were so limited i couldnt really express my words like i normally would in english. then of course she mis-interpreted and then it escalated into a fight.

-sigh- its been two years since the insane crazy yelling fight and she still doesnt have a clue of how i am.

she just says "i know u because i gave birth to u and ur my kid."

and i returned back, "and how often do we talk to one another for you to know whats up with my life?"

she stayed silent after wards.

[Guest Maria87_01]

I know what you are feeling... I am in the same situation. Mom and pop says things about me,what even isn´t true.. They think that I am still a little girl... They sord of know,what I am thinking,but not all! And they don´t know,who I am if I´m with friends. And actually,I´m kind a happy about that,that they don´t know all about me or everything,what I do... Because parents could be such a spyes ! We fight a lot too,because they don´t know who I am and why I´m acting like this (if I had sayd or done something bad)...

And yeah,mom dousen´t understand everything what I say,because of the language barrier. it makes me quite mad, but I try to understand her... i don´t want to fight all the time...

So...I try not to say anything,what could bring fight in the house...

[Guest XangelXtranX]

when did you move here?

I don't talk to my parents a lot ...at least not a lot about personal stuff I see my mom like only in the morning when she's sleeping and on the weekend...pathetic I know .

But yea I moved here when I was 11 and my Viet is still great, in fact I think my viet is wayy better than my english as you could see.. :3

[Guest Frozy]

The OP summed up my entire life. This is definitely another pressure Asian-Americans have to bear while living here.

[ai-Do1Ce]

I'm having this issue again and didnt know i posted the same feelings 2 years ago. So instead of making a new thread...

[Love_Lights]

My problem is the exact opposite. Both of my parents are pretty fluent in English, my dad is loud and verbose while my mom is soft-spoken and keeps to herself. But my mom knows me like the back of her hand, what I'm doing, why I'm doing something, where I am, what I like, etc even though she speaks/understands simple English. My dad on the other hand is constantly questioning me, asking me why I'm always happy, nagging, trying to form me into something I'm not. He refuses to listen to me or what I want, he says he does but that's a complete lie because he will ask again everyday so all we have is repetitive conversations. Best part is he understands English a lot better than my mom and he didn't want my mom teaching us(my siblings&I) any of their native languages. When he yells at me in their language or for not understanding, he acts like its my fault. I love him but he can be a real jerk when he wants to be. 

[Guest krystaliu]

Quite honestly, my parents and I aren't that close.

We have our family moments, but for the most part, my sister does her thing, I do my thing, my mom and dad each do their own things.

We're not a particularly close family, haha. XDDDD

But yeah, my friends know more about me than my parents do.

I don't tell them some things because I don't want them to judge me or whatever.

Being Chinese people who came here because of their rather... exceptional academic skills, they expect me to be the same, while I don't have the same sort of passion for math/science like they do. -____-

It's depressing, sometimes, but I think it's okay.

Our relationship definitely isn't as close as some peoples', but it's not like I feel like a stranger or anything. ^^;

[Guest MusicallyEnchanted]

I'm in the same boat (I feel like a lot of people who were born in America but their parents moved here from a different country face the same type of problem). Personally, I don't think its mostly because of language barriers, per say, but a difference in how you've grown up. I remember my parents used to tell me all the time about the way they used to do things back in Vietnam or the way school was like there which is a stark contrast to the way schools are run here and the like. Cultural differences, I'd say. Parents (like mine, I'm not sure if this is true for all Asian parents) struggle to keep a balance between tradition (the culture that they know) and innovation (adapting to a new place). Since we were born here or came here at a very young age, we're used to the way things are because we don't know any other way (not meaning it to sound harsh or anything).

As for the languages issue, yeah it does have an impact. I can't name how many times I haven't been able to explain something to my mother in Vietnamese or how many times we've gotten in to an argument because of misunderstandings. She always accuses me of not getting what she's trying to say, lol, but in the end its the way things are said that matter to me. Actions speak louder than words, as they say.

Right now my father and I aren't in a good place because of cultural differences. He assumes that he knows the type of person I am simply because he's my father (which everyone knows isn't completely true) and is quite insistent upon it, lol. It happens and its something that you have to realize that you can't necessarily change.

Sorry for the long post/rant!

[Guest Naked-Fanatic]

I'm close with my mom. She knows me more than anyone else (besides myself). I became fluent in Korean after we moved to Korea. So we communicate a lot.

It's a different story with my dad. Ever since we moved to Korea, I rarely met my dad because he usually came home late. He used to hang around with his friends late at night. Now he goes to the health center after work and comes home at around 9pm. I noticed that he makes a lot of assumptions about me based on what he thinks about the general younger generation. For example, I've been accused of being a lefty (in Korea, this means close to being a communist) when I never talked about politics with him.

[Guest YooAmie]

Totally on the same boat. I tend to talk to my mum a lot, and when she talks to my dad, or my aunty, they use words that I've never learned or heard before, and so I pick up words day by day. But I'm still a noobie at my language '

When I get into a fight with my mum, I just say like 'you don't understand' and storm off, so I can relate to you. I don't get into a lot of fights anyways o.o but there's one time when my mum was talking to my aunty, and my aunty started speaking to me, it was prett basic, and I knew everything she said, but I couldn't answer back, and they thought I was ignoring me, but I wasn't, I was trying to find a way to communicate other than speaking my language, (but it was a fail Dx) so I was kinda hurt on what my aunty said, but my mum knows that I'm such a noobie at my language, so she didn't say anything bad about me

[Guest ilmilione]

The more I think about it.. actually, my parents do kind of know who I am at least in terms of my beliefs/morals. I'm very very vocal with them about my beliefs, they know I may not believe in their religion, they know how I feel about humanity in general and how I try to be as open minded as possible. I dont really talk to them about my favourite tv show often but that will come up too.

I used to hide everything from my parents because I didn't think they'd understand, and to be fair, when I was younger, they were a lot more closed-minded about what I was interested in.. but credit to them, they've changed and they're willing to listen to me even if I disagree completely with them. That's made me more open with them. 

It's actually been scary to talk to them about certain topics though, like drinking (my parents are against that).. I haven't been like "I drink" but I have told them if I wanted to, I would, and that it's my prerogative, and they were surprisingly understanding about it. I still dont think I'd tell them I'm going to a bar, especially since I still live with them and sometimes they turn off their 'understand' button, but I think deep down they know. I know my mom for ex isn't comfortable with us wearing bikinis on the beach either, and when I'm with them, I wear a one piece or (for my own comfort around them) I just wear surf clothes and take those off in the ocean, but they know I'd swim in whatever on my own.. that might sound super weird, but for them it's an issue of not being sexualised/being modest, whereas I don't think swim suits are sexual.

[Guest Joolea]

I understand my family perfectly. They understand me perfectly as well. However, the problem is not the language barrier, but they do not understand me as a person. They think they do, which makes me laugh. They can only see the superficial things. 

So unfortunate.