Rant on my whole life journey that I've bottled up

 It started when I was young and was forced to move with my dad to America. I was lied to and was told we're going to America to learn English and for a better future little did I know it was a richard simmons step mom that he lied to me and my brother about. When I moved I was forced to call this woman a mom of mine, and because I was so young I learned to accept her as my mother and tried to love her as I was ripped away from my real mom. I forced myself to call her mom "for my dad's happiness" I never realized how selfish my dad was. All he cared about was him and himself and what made him happy. As a child I had needs and love I needed from my parents. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be held, I wanted to know what it meant to have parents. Not only that, this richard simmons had the nerves to tell me how to live and be. I remember going to school for the first time not knowing any English. I was the only oriental kid amongst all black and hispanic school. I was called a richard simmons, a richard simmons, got beat up and cried in front of the whole entire school where there were about 100 people, and on top of that I had no support from my home. When I cameback home and told them the story, my step mom told me why would you cry in front of those people? You deserve to be bullied. And my dad was so busy taking care of himself. He told me don't fight, just avoid them ignore them. NOT ONCE. NOT ONCE!!!! did he try to teach me and give me lessons on what it's like to be a man. What it's like to be a man and deal with problems. What I wanted at the time was guidance. I was 10. I needed a guidance the most at that time. I had noone to turn to, and was constantly criticized for not doing well in school, for not richard simmons studying, for being quiet, for not being a good kid. I'm so tired of them telling me how I need to richard simmons live. And came my little baby brother. I cried so much when I found out my baby brother was being born. Here I was so desperate for attention and love and there they are so excited and happy for their little kid coming out. What about me? What about my brother? What are we supposed to do? What am I supposed to do in this world? This is what family meant? And here I am. I go back to school, and I'm laughed at again and again for being asian. They tell me I'm weird a loser, a little richard simmons. What I longed for the most was a feeling of being loved. I felt so alone in this world. I tried so hard to be positive. I remember a Christmas when everyone was so busy being mad and "in love" while me and my brother was being criticized for not doing well in school. I had these allowances they gave me. A dollar a month. I saved it for two years and I had about 40 dollars by the time it was that Christmas. I went to Walmart to buy some things and lost $20. And then my dad had enough nerves to say, you lost your money again? what's wrong with you? can't you do anything right? WHEN I TRIED MY BEST TO BE NICE. AND MAKE A CHRISTMAS HAPPEN. In high school, I skipped a lot. I didn't want to go to school. I didn't fit in and sucked at socializing. I richard simmons sucked at everything. I couldn't focus. I had ADHD. Just so many memories of me trying to be nice and trying to fit in but nothing would happen. I was laughed at by my own kind, bullied by my own so called best friends, my girlfriend at the time who I lost my virginity to cheated on me with her best friend who I thought was my friend, my other best friend flirted in with my girlfriend at that time and called me a richard simmons in front of her. On top of that I fought one of the guys (I had severe mood swings, alcohol problems, etc) and came home with a bruised lip. And my dad went psychotic saying what if he gets a ticket and has to pay for the money. Not even why did you fight the kid? He was so focused protecting himself from the police. Fast forward a couple of years later. I joined the military because I had no other choice. He couldn't for sure pay for my richard simmons college. I had to set my independence. Here's what he does lately. On his birthday he'll call me to see if I remember it, and ask for $100. He'll call me on father's day to see if I remembered, Christmas and so on. And then I remember I spent my past 2 birthdays alone and expected him to remember. He calls me on the wrong day and tries to get it out of me to see if it was my birthday. My brother who also almost committed suicide and has severe anxiety problems, my dad insists he takes medications when it's making it worse for him. I'm getting so tired of my parents. I'm so tired of this fake love that portrays out of his self interest. I'm so tired of all these experiences I had to go through because I didn't have a stable home and didn't have self confidence. I'm so tired of him telling me to be strong and it'll get better as if he even knows what the richard simmons I went through my whole life. I'm so tired of this idea called family. I try to mentor my little brothers to teach them to be confident and go after their needs and desires. I went through so much richard simmons up richard simmons I don't even see the value in my family. I don't even want to talk about my real mom who herself is also suicidal and mentally insane. I'm supposed to go see my dad in two years in Korea in a few weeks, but I'm starting to think what's the point? what's the point of going and meeting this man? Last time I went to Korea he asked me if I had money to give grandma. And when I said no he scolded me saying you don't even have money to give her $100? I'm just fed up. I dont even wanna go meet him anymore. He'll ask me what i'm going to do after the military and when I tell him I want to be an entrepreneur, he'll scold me. I bought a real estate and he told me why would you do that when you're only in your 20s? Why don't you just go to school?
I'm done with this richard simmons. I'm so fed up. I'm cutting him out of my life. I don't have a dad. I don't have brothers. richard simmons this richard simmons. I'm not going to richard simmons Korea to meet him. 

i dont get it have you ever thought of defending yourself? being loved in a family setting... ilaugh at that now cause i arent going to feel it till i have my own kids. life is a b. fight it and live your life not others.