Getting out of the "Friend Zone"

[~Tropical.Mists]

Advice needed. I'd like to hear your stories too tho =)

I'll try and keep this short. I don't usually ask for advice on this forum but I'd appreciate some input this time please =)

So I've been friends with this guy for 5-6 years. From high school to now (we're in university)... and we've been good friends. I mean not, GREAT friends or best friends... but since we go to school in different towns, we try and meet up to chat/movie and go for dinner when there's time. We always hang out in groups, never just one-on-one, although I don't mind either since well... we've known each other for so long and it's comfortable between us.

Then suddenly yesterday night... he invites me out one-on-one and I go >_> I didn't put that much thought into it because recently we've been hanging out more one-on-one.

And then he comes back to my house after coffee (it's like 12 am now) and he basically straight up, tells me he likes me O_O!

My face and expressions and EVERYTHING I was feeling, basically said... "Wow... wait HOLD UP! WHAT?!?!" I was SO taken by surprise, and I had NO idea where this came from, I was just SO lost. I still AM, and I feel so ignorant and stupid or something!!

And so... after a LONG LONG conversation (till like 2 am), he told me how he liked me for at least a year... he was debating on telling me but eventually he decided to (peer pressure for our friends) and seeing as I didn't pick up any of the "hints". I couldn't think of anything to say because... I've only seen him as a FRIEND till about... the second he told me O_O and I told him I'd have to think about it T_T I didn't know what else to say.

It's been less than 12 hours since our discussion... and I couldn't sleep at all just thinking about it.

The thing is... there's SO many things WRONG with this picture that I don't understand why he brought it up at all. He's had about 3 ex-gfs and a lot of people that have liked him. I've had about a handful of guys like me and yet, I always reject them because I don't like them (another reason he didn't want to tell me, he's scared). We're completely different people (from family to relationships to school and just... values in life in general)... we hang out with the SAME group of friends (so if we date, then it'll be weird between our friends right?). Not only that, but I'm leaving back to school in a week and I won't be in town anymore. And yet... when I told him all my concerns, he told me that he thought about ALL that and still wanted to try dating because he really felt like it'd work.

I understand that this isn't the WHOLE picture and there's a lot more, but I wanted to just give the basic ideas of what is going through my head.

I wanted to know if anyone's been in a similar situation? What did you do? What happened?

The thing is... I don't want to date him knowing that... he CLEARLY likes me more than I like him (I don't even like him that way atm) and we'd be dating just because he likes me. And if we DID break up, he has a history of not talking to his ex-gfs and also... our friends would have to "pick a side" persay.

I'd like to get some input from other people's situations =) Advice on what I should do/say would be nice... but knowing that other people have experienced the same thing would be interesting as well.

Thanks!

--xoxo.

TM

[Guest writerstale]

Here's what you do. You stop being so picky. You stop looking at all the what could wrongs, you live life, give it a try, and be happy. Also, *standing ovation* for the guy to come out and confess to you. Honestly, I don't expect a lot of people to agree with my comment. I've seen threads like this before, and usually this is the part where the guy is days away from being rejected. Hope this one turns out different.

[Guest marilu_kim]

if you like him back then you should go for it! but if you dont then tell him straight up that you dont because then it'll cause problems. dont lead him on if you dont like him. i have a friend that is in the same situation as you, but they just met. im friends with both of them and i told her if you like him go for it but if you dont back off. my guy friend has an ex, which is our friend. i think you are thinking too much. i hope this helped a little bit, but if it didnt then sorry. dont know exactly what to say. i hope you choose the right thing

[Guest hkukaudition]

Hmm... the simple question is 'do you like him back?'

Without thinking about anything else.. whether he likes you more or what might happen if you break up etc... if you like him.. then thats that... if you like him then thats enough to make a go of thigns and if its turns out into something great then obviously thats brilliant, but if things dont go well.. then at least neither of you will regret that you didnt go for it.

If you don't like him.. then its best to tell him what you think now before he gets more into you and then he can try to get over you and you can go back to just being good friends.

[Guest luv4dawave]

We share the same story

Except me and him are together now.

Let's call him R.

So, R and I have had some of the same friends since sophmore year of high school, but it wasn't until senior year that we became friends. We weren't close or anything, but just pretty good friends. We ended up getting really close because we were going to attend the same university.

After first semester, he became one of my best friends. I thought I knew everything about him (but it's interesting because I learned things about him after we went out that I would have never expected), and he was the guy that was always there for me. I never thought of him as a potential boyfrend, because...well we weren't each other's type AT ALL. R likes to party and drink a lot. He's had a past of 4 ex girlfriends, and all of them weren't serious relationships. He even admits that he gets tired of girls really easily. Whereas, I only party occasionally with my best girlfriend, and I have never had a boyfriend.So basically, we are really different people (he's not asian either), but somehow we get along really well.

Something happened second semester, and he started acting different around me. He was really nice, when we had a love/hate relationship as friends. And he stopped partying to spend time with me. Then, he asked me to hang out with him on Valentine's day. And a week later, he asked me out. I expected it by then, but at the same time, it was crazy because it was so WEIRD. And all our friends say its weird too haha. But that night, I could not sleep at all, because it was so...crazy I guess.

In the end, of course I said yes. I mean, you never know until you try, right? I asked him, if this was going to be another one of his stupid relationships. He said no, he was serious. And he thinks we could actually last for a longtime. I was scared to get into the relatonship with him, because I didn't want to lose what we had as friends. I asked him if we could still be friends if we ever broke up, and he said it depended on the situation. But if you think about it, it's too late to remain as friends now, as he has feelings for you. It will be hard for him.

You probably think that he likes you a lot more than you do. Which is how I felt too. But about three weeks ago, we broke up. And that's when I realized that it's not true. I somehow liked him a lot too. And it wasn't until we broke up did I realize how important he was to me. We separated because we were too different. Our timing was wrong. He liked me before I liked him. If there was anything that I can tell you now--don't go out with him until you are sure you like him and are ready to give 100% into your relationship. When I started liking him, it was too late, he was getting tired of me not treating him like a boyfriend, but as a friend still.

We aren't over yet, we are in the process of getting back together. But the thing that I want you to know is that love comes unexpectedly. You surely did not think you and him could ever be together, but you won't know until you try. Before you go out though, please make sure that you are able to think of him then as a boyfriend and not just a friend anymore. During the time we were broken up, we were still able to be friends, though I still liked him a lot and he liked me a lot still too. But we were such good friends beforehand, that time would make us friends again.

Sorry for the super long post, but your situation is so similar to mine! And I just thought that maybe this will make your decision easier [= Hope all goes well!

[Guest Sophisticate]

If you like him, then think about it.

If not, don't give him false hope.

[~Tropical.Mists]

Thanks for the input everyone. Everyones talking about liking the guy... and honestly, I don't like him in "that" way. I don't like him in the way he wants me too. But his confession really opened my eyes to the possibilities of liking him and that's why I don't want to turn him down... what IF I can grow to like him?

@ luv4dawave:

Wow... that's an interesting story and yes I can really relate. Everyone's friendships are different but I appreciate you taking the time to tell me =) The guy I'm referring to is a little different from yours, however I think I feel the same way as you.

I never thought he'd have those types of intentions towards me... and I just don't know whether I'll like him as much as he likes me. At the same time, I don't have the guts to try it because I'm scared of what will happen. People think I'm overthinking but that's just the way it is... I can't say yes/no without thinking of all these circumstances =(

--xoxo.

TM

[Guest -HyuNi-]

If you aren't interested in him, you shouldn't feel obligated to get into a relationship with him.

But with that said, you should understand there's a potential you lose him as a friend because he liked you for at least a year. To you, you may have thought of it as a great friendship, but he (at least during that year) didn't think of you as a friend and was interested you in a romantic way. It's been a one sided relatinoship for at least a year, whether you considered it a good friendship or not.

[Guest Aerie]

I was in a similar kind of situation, but I ended deciding that because I harbored no romantic feelings in the least that it would be better to stay as friends. It hasn't changed our friendship much, although I am now much more careful about being accidentally suggestive. In my opinion, if you don't see him in 'that way', it might not necessarily work out if you do start something with him. In the end, it might ruin your friendship.

[Guest xabstruse]

even if there is a possibility of you liking in that way, it doesn't mean you should get into a relationship. try dating one on one for a while, but without the labels of bf/gf, so you can get to know him better before you jump into the deep end. it really just doesn't make sense to me to get into a relationship with someone you don't like in that way, and it's not exactly fair to him either.

[Guest mlclau]

Take a leap of faith.

Life is too short to worry what might or might not happen. You'll meet thousands more friends in your lifetime - so how is this one going to make that much of a difference?

You only live once, so make the most of it!

[Guest october-rain]

I'm SO SORRY, but i can't help but say this ...

but what would May do? LOL (I see your posts in Sol's fics a lot so yeah ... )

On a more serious note, don't waste your time and make unnecessary drama if you don't really feel for him. Try to think of how you felt about him before he confessed and see if there was even 1% of you liking as more than a friend. If your answer is no, then tell him you value your friendship more.

Good luck with whatever you choose though (: