My Dad & My Brother Really Don't Understand Me

[BoAFriend]

I honestly don't even know to begin this. Pretty much, my brother and my dad see me as incapable of doing things and that I won't be successful later in life. Everytime I go out to eat with them, I always have to hear some stupid lecture about how I'm too skinny or how I supposedly live in my own world or something and how oh I don't go out and get to meet people, blah blah blah.

I just got back from eating with them and it was like an hour of hell. I currently attend UCR and I really don't like it there (From Day 1 I've been saying how I want to transfer out), and my brother just starts the conversation with oh how if I still want to transfer out of UCR or not. And I do, but okay he just starts giving me crap with how I'm not gonna be able to transfer because I haven't started on my personal statement yet and how oh I haven't even done anything over the summer so I'm not gonna be successful in transferring. I honestly barely just decided what I wanted to major in - Media & Cultural Studies, like I just barely decided that I would major in that. My brother just keeps saying how I haven't taken the initiative to intern or get a job at any place related to media or whatever so oh, I'm lazy and don't care. And I haven't done anything yet towards transferring (application, personal essay, extracurricular) and how I should care more about my future.

My dad doesn't make things any better by bringing up this job my brother did last summer (working @ a Chinese food stand @ the LA Country Fair) and just keeps pushing it, saying how I should work there to get experience. Why? Besides the fact that I don't have a job right now (never have had one in my life), oh I'm naive and don't understand how to deal with different types of people. My brother joins in and gives me some bullcrap example of how he had to deal with black girls complaining about their food. And he says oh you wouldn't have known how to deal with them if you were in my shoes. You have to go out and learn what type of people are in this world. You can't always be so narrow minded. Just giving me so much mini cooper. My brother assumes that I don't know anything about transferring, but just say it out of my mouth that "oh, I want to transfer". I DO look up this stuff in my own time, but right now I feel I can't even do anything yet because I haven't even formally declared my major yet (I'm still considered "Undeclared") - school hasn't started yet so I can't do anything right now. It's like my brother is telling me I should do this and do that, and I KNOW but it's just...ugh

And my dad gives me another long lecture about the types of bad people in this world and how they'll make fun of me, pick on me, walk over me, and bark orders at me. And oh okay how my only way in understanding the type of "bad" people in this world is to go out and get a job at a Chinese food place so I can learn how to deal with these types of people....

And God I seriously don't want to write any more. I'm just so john teshing pissed. All I did was go out for a Sunday night dinner and I just have 2 people to my right and across the table from me telling me how I won't be successful and how I'm incapable, naive, and not very hard working. I don't understand why my brother and dad think I don't understand anything about this world, or the type of people in this world.

I know my dad and brother care and are just trying to look out for me, but I really don't think they use the best method of carrying it out. All I get are condescending blocks of words about how I don't know anything and should listen to them because they're older and understand more. I honestly can't take it anymore.

I know this all is a bunch of unorganized, maybe even meaningless crap. I'm just letting the stuff fly out of me head. I'd appreciate those who have the patience to read, try understanding, and helping.

[Mannosuke]

Put up with it, that's all you can do. Fighting back isn't going to help.

If you're just sitting there and taking the heat, nodding and agreeing, then clearly you're not doing anything to provoke them.

[AngieK]

Really, instead of getting pissed off about the way they are saying things, just try to focus on the meat of their message. They may be tactless, yes, but their hearts are in the right place. They want you to have a good future and want you to take the initiative about it. Yes, they're not exactly doing it in the most 'supportive' manner but hell, that's how most families are. In any case, focus on the points that do matter. Good future, work experience, taking the initiative, etc. When we feel like we're being attacked we immediately switch to our 'defensive' mode where we start to shut everything out...but that really isn't the most productive way to pursue life. In any case, you kind of learn that sometimes, that's just how people are. My dad talks in a very condescending way as well. But I've sort of learned that that's just the way he is. So when he talks to me, I don't take anything personally and just focus on the message he's trying to get across. You can't change them. You can tell them that they way they talk to you makes you feel unhappy and upset but whether they change or not is up to them.

In any case, I don't think your bro and dad are telling you to do everything now. I think what they want is to see that you actually have a plan. If you show them you have a plan I'm sure they'll cut you some slack. Example:

I'm planning to transfer. I want to transfer to school A or B. The requirements are C and D and I've finished everything except for class E which I'll finish in fall. I already have all the paperwork in process and I've been reading up about the GPA requirements so I should be good. I'm also considering school C just in case I don't get into school A or B. Etc etc.

You don't necessarily have to have everything done but if you have a plan laid out, they'll have less to nag you about.

[Guest speedlimitER]

hi there

wow long story, but here's my opinions

i don't know what were your dad and brother intentions on lecturing you, maybe they are over protective or they want you to be better person but one thing i know for sure is that lecturing someone in the public is totally wrong

I mean everyone is different, so their capabilities are different. Underestimating a person capability is so wrong

I think i would ignore what your dad or brother said because they are not you, but at the time, you need step up, make sure you do what you are supposed to, and if you think your decision is right, go for it

I think you're bettter than that, just need more time to figure out what you are capable of

[Guest shinji.]

This reminds me of when I first went to college. But since you are in college, I will have to say that you should make decisions on your own. Your dad and brother are only giving you advice and only you decide whether to take it or not. But as a heads up, transfering schools is more difficult than applying as a high school senior since there are less seats.

[Guest MangoStar]

I get the same kind of "love" as you do. Not from my mom, but mainly from my grandmother and my uncles.

It used to richard simmons me off to no end (it still does), but I just block it out. Honestly, you're an adult and you can live

your life how you want to.

[Guest Belovedrose]

Don't listen to the morally corrupted inbreds that try to give you advice based on pitiful socially obligated understandings.

Their hearts aren't in the "right" path, nothing is in the right path because all such things are merely subjective. Anyone who tells you otherwise must be ignored...and perhaps demoralized out of spite.

All your actions reap a response. You don't seem to be doing anything to change the situation and so what you must do is do something. I suggest you do what makes you feel good...for without pleasure, why live?

If it makes you feel better, yell at them, degrade them, fight them...but know the long-term effects of this may not be so pleasurable. If you prefer short-term pleasures, then perhaps this is your route. This isn't the wrong route or the right route, it is simply YOUR route...call it what you please.

Perhaps you should look at it a different way. Instead of seeing their words as condescending, see it in a more pleasureable way...perhaps you should see it as merely helpful suggestions. If you can't change a situation, then change your ways of thinking. Though what most people don't know is that all situations can be changed, some just lack the will to know or do so.

Either way, something needs to be done or else you will continuously become miserable. Might I also suggest you don't ask for help on these forums...you will likely get a generic moral response. Such is the curse of religion.

[Guest KareBear]

I know that once someone criticizes something about you, it's hard to actually listen to their message. My parents used to criticize me quite a bit too- or boss me around about how to study, etc. But I don't think your brother and dad is trying to insult you- they just want you to have a good future.

I think the reason why they keep nagging at you about these stuff is because they might think you don't care. I mean, like you said, from day one you kept saying how you want to transfer out- and look at you now. You're still there. You understand about the transfer rules- while they don't. To them they're probably thinking you're too lazy to even look at it and all you do is complain. If you want them to get off your back then explain to them about the rules that way they'll understand your situation better.

As for the job - I can see from their point of view. I strongly believe that everyone needs some sort of work/volunteer experience before pursuing a post secondary education. Otherwise you have limited experiences/skills to offer to companies. I'm not saying "you should definitely work for that Chinese food stand your brother worked at!!" because it's your choice. But I think working/volunteering give you that exposure of learning and improving your skills with people. I'm not saying you have bad people skills- but there's always room for improvement. A degree can only help you to a certain extend.

Anyway, if you want them to understand you better then you should be talking to them. But don't expect them to understand you without you trying to understand where they're coming from. You might think "god!! They just want to pick on me! They think I'm stupid!!!" But the truth is that they're worried about you and they want you to have the best future.

[Guest cathylovee]

As long as you yourself know what your capable of, and know that you have skills/talent, you wont need to care what anybody else thinks. Because no one knows you better than you know yourself. If they cant understand you, it's ok, let them be. You be your own person and get on with life, just cuz someone says your like this or your like that DOES NOT mean its true. My parents are like this all the time, but I just let them rant now, it doesn't matter to me anymore. before it used to hurt to me so much, but now, knowing in my heart wut they're saying isnt true, really does not bug me.=)

[Guest KOGEPANN;)]

they're family, and sure they don't understand you, but they still want the best for you really.

No one in my family at all understands me, and lecture me about things I don't want to hear. Family is family.

[Guest phoenix arise]

my 2 cents:

if you think about it, they are the ones who are naive because they assume they know about every encounter you have with people. that is just plain ignorance cause they are not there when you cross these people.

[Guest sus]

the onli way to get them off ur bak is to try doing somethin productive

but dont do it for them

do it for urself ull feel so much better

tiny steps at a time

[Guest dAN.c]

lol i can help u out since i have had a dad who always looks at the negative side of my life, ever since i could walk

he told me i was stupid, couldnt amount to mini cooper, should leave the house, too skinny, blah blaah whatever he could find to talk mini cooper about and make me feel like mini cooper

but i made myself overaccomplish in everything he told me i was rather infelicitous at, worked out, got buffer, got into a good school, now my dad cant say as much mini cooper about me

just go and succeed in what you know you can do, then your dad cant talk richard simmons

[Guest iangel]

Why don't you do something useful and make something out of your life so they CAN'T say anything.

As bad as they(ur bro and dad) sound, sadly, it is talso rue that it sounds like you're not doing anything productive like they said.

Why don't you hurry up decide your major, if u need time to think about it, then go ahead and find out the transfering process first, exactly step by step, not just 'i looked it up on my own time'. What kind of proof is that?

and if they think you're skinny, go work out, it's not gonna do you any bad, girls prefer manly guys, not skinny ones, so it wont hurt would it?

nothing wrong with making you get a job, and honestly I agree, people who have depended on their parents their whole life have no idea what it's like out there. Even working at mcd is a good start, and trust me it's alot of stress dealing with people every day. plus, you're in uni already, do you plan on making your parents pay for your tuition? The least you can do is start TRYING to support your own life style.

And if your life style happens to be sitting at home, then support that. once your parents aren't paying for you any more, If it ever comes to that, at least you will have the right to tell them to stop because at least you are paying for your own bills and feeding your own stomach. I have never had allowance in my entire life, have worked since 15 to pay for my cell phone bills and shopping expenses, I go to university in a differen province, rent my own place, work to pay off my tuition. My parents haven't paid a single cent for me sicne I went into university. and yah, It's not easy, but I made my parents proud, and that made ME feel good.

Their expectations for you aren't high at all, considering you're probably 18 already. So at least try to do some of them, it will do you some good. You shouldn't listen to them because they're older than you, you should listen because behind the harsh and annoying words, they have given you some very good ideas about making your life better. You don't understand why they are annoying you? well, unless they really just 'have no hope for you and enjoy dissing you because it's fun', else, there's probably a good intention behind it all.

If you ever feel bad, just ask yourself, forget about them, are YOU proud of what you're doing?

[Guest bombb_]

this makes me feel kind of bad.

'cause the way your brother and dad are to you, is how my family is to my eldest brother.

(but he doesnt look anything up, he just keeps procrastinating, making excuses why he cant get a job--when he can, and all this other stupid stuff)

but you actually seem like youre doing something. but some things you cant do immediately. it's understandable.

i wonder if you like..told your brother and dad that youve researched behind your decisions and why you cant do certain things/:

if you have, and they still nag you..then i guess the only thing you can do it's ignore them/just let them keep talking until you can do anything and then shove it in their face.

it'll be stressful. haha ive been in that situation before..i just endure it since i know what im doing is right and that im doing all that i can. it's all that could be done in the situation.

i wonder why some people dont really listen.

some will let you talk, but completely disregard what you say, and others wont listen at all/:

[Guest ilovemangos]

my brother constantly reminds me of how he thinks i'm incapable of succeeding in life. lol, he can say whatever he wants but honestly it doesn't matter to me cuz i know i will succeed in life. i also noticed, if i outsmart him, he says these things to try to bring me down. people who are down try to brings others down so they can feel better about themselves. if that's the case for your brother, just ignore him. if not, and as for your dad i'm sure he just really wants you to do well in life and he's just worried for you.

[Guest rawr_sheila]

the best you can do is ignore them and continue onto your future plans.

you know that they don't understand you, so why let it get into you?

don't let it affect your self-esteem.

let it be a motivator. be successful in your future plans.

so you can prove to them that you can do it.