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12 hours ago, thi_mnguyen_at_hotmail.com_stv said:

 

 we both work till very late but still chat as much as we can at night and hang on the weekends but she told me she feels like as if the spark is disappearing but i told her its a normal phrase its something we can work on but she's really confuse with her feelings right now. i also did mention if we should take a break but she doesn't want too either

 

I don't think it's a normal phase in your relationship. The most obvious reason why your girlfriend (or any woman) is looking at other men, is because she's missing something in her current relationship. It might have been there but lost along the way, or it might not have been there all along.

Whatever it is though, you'd better find it and move on it or you lost this girl. Perhaps not to this guy, but someone else will come along and sooner or later, that someone else, may it be the second or the 25th guy, is going to take her home.

Instead of chatting and hanging out, talk to her. Find out what's been bothering her. She might not even know herself. Find out why she's attracted to the other guy and project that on yourself. Have you been slacking in that department? It's a tough question but if you want to hold on to her, you need to work at it. Every single day. For as long as you want to be together.

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@severus @rosierosie So I went for it. It was pretty nerve-wracking. One of the toughest things I've ever had to do. I was inspired by that saying about all you need is 20 seconds of insane coura

Nah, you just need experience

RUN! RUN FAR AWAY FROM THIS GIRL!!! 1) She had her friends telling you that she liked you, when she had a boyfriend. 2) She got a new boyfriend very quickly after breaking up. 3) She go

20 hours ago, thi_mnguyen_at_hotmail.com_stv said:

 

 we both work till very late but still chat as much as we can at night and hang on the weekends but she told me she feels like as if the spark is disappearing but i told her its a normal phrase its something we can work on but she's really confuse with her feelings right now. i also did mention if we should take a break but she doesn't want too either

 

I suggest you can set her down and have a serious deep talk with her. tell her what both of you can do to fix your relationship and try to make it work. if not then maybe break up. once the spark is lost in the relationship, then there's nothing left to fix. like they say it takes two to tango.

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I need some help and for some reason, I wasn't able to make another topic about it. Anyways, me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years on valentines day. In the first two years of our relationship, I had moved away to school and that led to him cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend, A, that he dated before me. I found out because A facebook messaged me and told me. I confronted him about it and he eventually came clean. It took a long time but I decided to forgive him to try to make it work out. Now two days ago, he was drinking with his good friends and got drunk. He ended up texting his old friends with benefits, L, that he always thought she was attractive and he wanted to bone (have sex) with her. L is in a relationship and said no. The next day, while he was driving to my house, I get a facebook message from L saying she had to tell me something about my boyfriend. Feeling uneasy, I agreed for her to call me. L told me that she had a past with my boyfriend, that they were friends with benefits 3 years ago, so around the time he was cheating on me with A, and told me what he drunk texted her. She also contacted him the next day asking if he was sober and why he would say that to her. He said that was how he felt and alcohol gave him the courage. She asked that if given the opportunity, would he be down to bone? And he replied, richard simmons yeah and said that he knows his boundaries though and wouldn't do that. When I confronted him about it, he said that he said it under the pretext knowing that it would never happen and how sorry he is. L assured me that this was the only time it happened and that they weren't messing around prior. He's been blowing up my phone with how I'm everything to him and how much he loves me and how much he knows he richard simmons up. My heart is broken and my trust with it. I don't know if I should continue on with this relationship and try to make it work knowing that he feels about someone else even though he swore on everything that he wouldn't have acted on it or just throw in the towel. Advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you. 

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On 1/18/2016 at 7:19 AM, CamelKnight said:

 

I don't think it's a normal phase in your relationship. The most obvious reason why your girlfriend (or any woman) is looking at other men, is because she's missing something in her current relationship. It might have been there but lost along the way, or it might not have been there all along.

Whatever it is though, you'd better find it and move on it or you lost this girl. Perhaps not to this guy, but someone else will come along and sooner or later, that someone else, may it be the second or the 25th guy, is going to take her home.

Instead of chatting and hanging out, talk to her. Find out what's been bothering her. She might not even know herself. Find out why she's attracted to the other guy and project that on yourself. Have you been slacking in that department? It's a tough question but if you want to hold on to her, you need to work at it. Every single day. For as long as you want to be together.

 

On 1/19/2016 at 2:43 PM, rosierosie said:

 

I suggest you can set her down and have a serious deep talk with her. tell her what both of you can do to fix your relationship and try to make it work. if not then maybe break up. once the spark is lost in the relationship, then there's nothing left to fix. like they say it takes two to tango.

 

Okay i have sat her back down again and spoke yesterday. She says that she's not sure whether she does like the other guy or not. She said he makes her happy and laugh and she see's me in him when she's with him at work and after every laugh with this guy she feels like crying because she thinks of me. But she doesn't know why she keeps thinking of this guy and how its like to be with him but said she doesn't want to think that way she hates it. So right now she's very confused, she doesnt know whether she likes this guy or not or is it just because she see's me in him. And also because we hardly get to see each other while she see's him everyday at work.

So i've been coming over for the last 3 days to talk things out with her and keep in mind she couldn't tell me she loves me during that time but suddenly on the 3rd day she saw me, hug on to me and told me she loves me  and was happy to be able to see me more often and let her feelings out and she kissed me A LOT on the day. But She also still said right now she is still confused, she doesn't know where our future is heading and her feelings but told me she doesn't want to end our 4 year relationship and want's to be with me at the same time she wants to be alone

She can't quit her job either cause it takes long to find another one and she's the only one supporting the family and she knows the problem will keep happening because the guy is there everyday at work with her and she doesn't know what to do.

What do you think i should do?

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13 hours ago, thi_mnguyen_at_hotmail.com_stv said:

What do you think i should do?

Keep doing what you've been doing. She craves your attention and your companionship so keep going to her as much as you can. Don't tell her, but show her you're putting off all other things for her since she's the one you want to be with. Right now, she should be your number one priority. Sleeping and eating come second.

She will remain confused for a while. Just keep talking to her, remind her of all the fun stuff you did ("Remember when we went... ? We had so much fun there! We should go again soon!") and try to relive that as much as possible. Sent text messages (or Whatsapp/Kakao talk/whatever), e-mail her, call her. Let her now she's always on your mind. Take her out, treat her well. Let her remember why she chose you 4 years ago.
If you do that well enough, she wont look at him anymore, wont be reminded about you when she looks at him. She'll just think "he's just a poor excuse for someone I truly love".

It's going to take time, a lot of dedication and some serious effort, but you two can come out of this a lot better than you were before. Do realize that when she's back in your team, you will need to keep paying close attention to her. She missed something. Make sure she never get's that feeling again.

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@thi_mnguyen_at_hotmail.com_stv give her the ultimatum, either you or him. well no, actually if i'm you then i would take a break and then reconnect maybe after one-two weeks. if my person is still indecisive then i will call it quit. it's not a matter of in between, if you really want to be with someone your feeling should not sway at all.

it sounds like right now she's confused to whom she wants. also your relationship with her might need some more work. ask yourself why she's like that? is it because you're not doing your part as a boyfriend? like most ladies, we like to be courted. never stop courting. be romantic.   

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On 1/19/2016 at 11:44 PM, emptnguyen said:

I need some help and for some reason, I wasn't able to make another topic about it. Anyways, me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years on valentines day. In the first two years of our relationship, I had moved away to school and that led to him cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend, A, that he dated before me. I found out because A facebook messaged me and told me. I confronted him about it and he eventually came clean. It took a long time but I decided to forgive him to try to make it work out. Now two days ago, he was drinking with his good friends and got drunk. He ended up texting his old friends with benefits, L, that he always thought she was attractive and he wanted to bone (have sex) with her. L is in a relationship and said no. The next day, while he was driving to my house, I get a facebook message from L saying she had to tell me something about my boyfriend. Feeling uneasy, I agreed for her to call me. L told me that she had a past with my boyfriend, that they were friends with benefits 3 years ago, so around the time he was cheating on me with A, and told me what he drunk texted her. She also contacted him the next day asking if he was sober and why he would say that to her. He said that was how he felt and alcohol gave him the courage. She asked that if given the opportunity, would he be down to bone? And he replied, richard simmons yeah and said that he knows his boundaries though and wouldn't do that. When I confronted him about it, he said that he said it under the pretext knowing that it would never happen and how sorry he is. L assured me that this was the only time it happened and that they weren't messing around prior. He's been blowing up my phone with how I'm everything to him and how much he loves me and how much he knows he richard simmons up. My heart is broken and my trust with it. I don't know if I should continue on with this relationship and try to make it work knowing that he feels about someone else even though he swore on everything that he wouldn't have acted on it or just throw in the towel. Advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you. 

 

If none of these girls stepped up and told you I'm certain that he would never had told you himself. Can you imagine all the things he hasn't told you? I'm sure you're a sweet girl and you don't deserve this (no one does) there are so many red flags about him that I would suggest you move on to better options.

 

7 hours ago, halfmoonsmile said:

Have any of you ever dated a bad boy before?

 

Bad boy as in rebel? Sure, though they're not exactly what I'd hope for. The cute dorky ones are the keepers. Then again I don't have that much of a good girl image myself ;)

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11 hours ago, omochi said:

 

 

 

Bad boy as in rebel? Sure, though they're not exactly what I'd hope for. The cute dorky ones are the keepers. Then again I don't have that much of a good girl image myself ;)

Yup! Bad boys are starting to look appealing. Cute dorky guys are good, too. Haha

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On 1/20/2016 at 4:53 AM, CamelKnight said:

Keep doing what you've been doing. She craves your attention and your companionship so keep going to her as much as you can. Don't tell her, but show her you're putting off all other things for her since she's the one you want to be with. Right now, she should be your number one priority. Sleeping and eating come second.

She will remain confused for a while. Just keep talking to her, remind her of all the fun stuff you did ("Remember when we went... ? We had so much fun there! We should go again soon!") and try to relive that as much as possible. Sent text messages (or Whatsapp/Kakao talk/whatever), e-mail her, call her. Let her now she's always on your mind. Take her out, treat her well. Let her remember why she chose you 4 years ago.
If you do that well enough, she wont look at him anymore, wont be reminded about you when she looks at him. She'll just think "he's just a poor excuse for someone I truly love".

It's going to take time, a lot of dedication and some serious effort, but you two can come out of this a lot better than you were before. Do realize that when she's back in your team, you will need to keep paying close attention to her. She missed something. Make sure she never get's that feeling again.

 

We broken today, she couldnt handle her confused/depression feelings anymore. She wanted to break up but couldnt say it so i made easier for her and said it. Now i regret it even more but i couldnt keep seeing her hurt and depress over our relationship. I am in such a mess right now i still love her very much. Do you think there is still a chance for us? i still want to be with her but then i dont know what i can do now. what should i do?

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On 19/1/2016 at 2:44 AM, emptnguyen said:

 

1- He cheated on you, he didn't tell you, you learned from someone else. You forgave him once already.

2-  He was drunk , then he was sober and still wanted the same thing. You still learned that through someone else and he came up with other excuses. 

I find this is too much, and I will not continue this relationship. Yeah, maybe he loves you really, but he is not the type of guy to be faithful to one woman. Is that what you what? I can't see this relationship go further, you are just going to hurt yourself again. Can you see yourself marry this man ? What are your values ? Do both of you have the same values ? He fails in being faithful. 

I totally agree with @omochi

This is my advice, make the decision that will make you happy. 

 

 

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On 24-1-2016 at 4:24 PM, thi_mnguyen_at_hotmail.com_stv said:

Do you think there is still a chance for us? i still want to be with her but then i dont know what i can do now. what should i do?

There might still be a chance for the two of you. But right now she needs to figure out her feelings. She needs to know what and who she wants.

//EDIT//

Yeah, I'm going to go with what @frenchtutor said. His post has way better advice than mine had so I removed mine to not foncusse you :)

//EDIT//

Good luck.

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6 hours ago, thi_mnguyen_at_hotmail.com_stv said:

 

We broken today, she couldnt handle her confused/depression feelings anymore. She wanted to break up but couldnt say it so i made easier for her and said it. Now i regret it even more but i couldnt keep seeing her hurt and depress over our relationship. I am in such a mess right now i still love her very much. Do you think there is still a chance for us? i still want to be with her but then i dont know what i can do now. what should i do?

 

sorry to hear that. for now just go on your life without her. maybe you guys are better off as friends. it's hard but you can get through this. 

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@thi_mnguyen_at_hotmail.com_stv

hey im sorry to hear about your situation. i can see that it is a very complicated situation and you must feel devastated. hang in there. i believe it's not too late and it wouldn't hurt to try to get her back (better then completely breaking up right?)

 

the first thing i advise you to do is to contact her immediately. the longer you wait it'll be harder to get back together with her because she has someone she can lean on right now besides you. if there is any ounce of pride in you i would like you to swallow it. tell her you would like to talk to her in person. if she asks why tell her you believe there were some misunderstandings and you would like to clear things up. if she says no and wants to just talk over the phone, don't feel rejected and gladly accept. whether you meet her in person or you talk over the phone be honest with her and apologize; "I didn't want to break up with you and im sorry for saying it. i was very confused and i hope you understand that. i want to make this relationship work and i want to do it together with you."

*if she hesitates even after you try convincing her tell her this:

"i believe the best thing for us right now is to think about our relationship. i would like to contact you within a week and see where we are (negotiate up to 2 weeks max if she wants a longer duration)."

if she hesitated and wasn't sure even after convincing her you're making this from a break up to taking a "break" (without saying the word "break"). this way you both have a chance at this relationship again. be firm with your statements and do your best to sound calm, confident, and apologetic

if she does not want to talk in person or over the phone, tell her you respect her decision that she doesn't want to talk right now but you would like to talk to her again in a week and that she can hear you out

but whether you guys get back together right away or take a break i want you to keep these things in mind my friend. i believe you will find this information helpful on winning her back completely

1) you cannot win her over with LOGIC

this is an emotional battle, you cannot win with logical arsenal. let me explain. you and i both don't know what she is going through or how she is exactly feeling. you have a mix of her having certain feelings for you and the co-worker, her family issues, and work-related stress as well. she is especially going to have a lot of up and downs with her emotions. this is the absolute worst time to provide solutions, give advice or be logical. why? because she is seeking relief by expressing herself and wanting to be understood. by laying out all her possible problems without focusing on actual problem solving, it will help her explore her true feelings. THIS is what she needs from you and will ultimately sustain positive emotions from her afterwards. when you told her "its a normal phrase in a relationship to have little attraction or secret crush here and there as long as she leaves it and forget it and avoid them as much as possible and dont let it ruin our relationship", it is not helping her when she just wants to talk. refrain from giving advice and being logical when she is expressing feelings and not information. she will likely resist your advice and make you want to give up or feel hopeless. just remember she is rejecting your TIMING, not your solutions or compassion. so the next action is..

2) you must LISTEN more and be empathetic/understanding

of course you guys are sitting down to have a "talk" but you will have to do more actual listening than actual talking. when she is letting out her feelings and talks to you, give her your 100% undivided attention and truly understand what she is going through. relate to her frustration and confusion. the more you understand her and listen, the more she will accept you. the more she talks the more she will understand her emotions. you may at times want to jump in and saying something. refrain yourself unless it is truly necessary. the only times you should actually talk when shes actively talking and speaking her emotions is

a. if she asks you a question (better to give a brief answer so she can continue talking, depends case by case)

b. to agree with her, saying things like "I understand" "okay" "i see"

c. repeating what she said to to assure you understood correctly and you are listening (dont worry too much about this though, just LISTEN)

now to the next step..

 

3) guide her up and down emotions

after you listen to her with empathy and without any judgements. her emotions will gradually change from negative to positive. one concept you need to understand is that her emotions are constantly up and down everyday. she can be having a bad day for no reason one day and another day she can be the happiest girl in the world for no reason. when she is talking to you and you are actively listening to her, you are helping her guide her emotions either up so that she feels happy again or down so that she can hit rock bottom quicker so that she can bounce back up again. do you see the other day she just hugged you and said she loved you after 3 days of talking? she was feeling happy and affectionate. her emotions are literally a one big roller coaster ride at this point. guide her so she may have positive emotions again by listening, understanding, and not giving any solutions/advice. if her emotions and mood are going down, be there with her and go together (im not saying be sad with her haha). she needs you the most while going down so give her the most attention, support, patience, understanding and of course love. once she hits the bottom, she will clear up her emotions and rise back up.once her emotions are at the most positive level, strike her back with affection, love and care (the day she hugged you is when she was in an extremely positive mood). at this positive, happy stage give nothing but love; no drama. for the last step..

 

4) keep repeating this process/reassure her constantly

this is going to be a long, constant cycle. you really need to be extremely patient. keep repeating these steps because there is a lot of emotional cleansing needing to be done for both of you. at this time and especially when she is in a positive mood (upwards mood) you need to be loving, understanding, caring, and respectful of her actions constantly to reassure her that you are there for her. don't be confused when she is in a bad mood or feeling negative again (an emotional roller coaster ride remember that), it is completely normal. no matter how many times you make her mood positive or happy she will eventually go towards the downward path so don't make the mistake of giving up. keep repeating the steps so that she is constantly feeling positive and loved.

keep all these things in mind when you speak with her again. i will provide more advice after you speak with her and we'll come up with a plan to win her back

you can do it my friend! please update us so we can help right away

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7 hours ago, frenchtutor said:
7 hours ago, frenchtutor said:

@thi_mnguyen_at_hotmail.com_stv

hey im sorry to hear about your situation. i can see that it is a very complicated situation and you must feel devastated. hang in there. i believe it's not too late and it wouldn't hurt to try to get her back (better then completely breaking up right?)

 

the first thing i advise you to do is to contact her immediately. the longer you wait it'll be harder to get back together with her because she has someone she can lean on right now besides you. if there is any ounce of pride in you i would like you to swallow it. tell her you would like to talk to her in person. if she asks why tell her you believe there were some misunderstandings and you would like to clear things up. if she says no and wants to just talk over the phone, don't feel rejected and gladly accept. whether you meet her in person or you talk over the phone be honest with her and apologize; "I didn't want to break up with you and im sorry for saying it. i was very confused and i hope you understand that. i want to make this relationship work and i want to do it together with you."

*if she hesitates even after you try convincing her tell her this:

"i believe the best thing for us right now is to think about our relationship. i would like to contact you within a week and see where we are (negotiate up to 2 weeks max if she wants a longer duration)."

if she hesitated and wasn't sure even after convincing her you're making this from a break up to taking a "break" (without saying the word "break"). this way you both have a chance at this relationship again. be firm with your statements and do your best to sound calm, confident, and apologetic

if she does not want to talk in person or over the phone, tell her you respect her decision that she doesn't want to talk right now but you would like to talk to her again in a week and that she can hear you out

but whether you guys get back together right away or take a break i want you to keep these things in mind my friend. i believe you will find this information helpful on winning her back completely

1) you cannot win her over with LOGIC

this is an emotional battle, you cannot win with logical arsenal. let me explain. you and i both don't know what she is going through or how she is exactly feeling. you have a mix of her having certain feelings for you and the co-worker, her family issues, and work-related stress as well. she is especially going to have a lot of up and downs with her emotions. this is the absolute worst time to provide solutions, give advice or be logical. why? because she is seeking relief by expressing herself and wanting to be understood. by laying out all her possible problems without focusing on actual problem solving, it will help her explore her true feelings. THIS is what she needs from you and will ultimately sustain positive emotions from her afterwards. when you told her "its a normal phrase in a relationship to have little attraction or secret crush here and there as long as she leaves it and forget it and avoid them as much as possible and dont let it ruin our relationship", it is not helping her when she just wants to talk. refrain from giving advice and being logical when she is expressing feelings and not information. she will likely resist your advice and make you want to give up or feel hopeless. just remember she is rejecting your TIMING, not your solutions or compassion. so the next action is..

2) you must LISTEN more and be empathetic/understanding

of course you guys are sitting down to have a "talk" but you will have to do more actual listening than actual talking. when she is letting out her feelings and talks to you, give her your 100% undivided attention and truly understand what she is going through. relate to her frustration and confusion. the more you understand her and listen, the more she will accept you. the more she talks the more she will understand her emotions. you may at times want to jump in and saying something. refrain yourself unless it is truly necessary. the only times you should actually talk when shes actively talking and speaking her emotions is

a. if she asks you a question (better to give a brief answer so she can continue talking, depends case by case)

b. to agree with her, saying things like "I understand" "okay" "i see"

c. repeating what she said to to assure you understood correctly and you are listening (dont worry too much about this though, just LISTEN)

now to the next step..

 

3) guide her up and down emotions

after you listen to her with empathy and without any judgements. her emotions will gradually change from negative to positive. one concept you need to understand is that her emotions are constantly up and down everyday. she can be having a bad day for no reason one day and another day she can be the happiest girl in the world for no reason. when she is talking to you and you are actively listening to her, you are helping her guide her emotions either up so that she feels happy again or down so that she can hit rock bottom quicker so that she can bounce back up again. do you see the other day she just hugged you and said she loved you after 3 days of talking? she was feeling happy and affectionate. her emotions are literally a one big roller coaster ride at this point. guide her so she may have positive emotions again by listening, understanding, and not giving any solutions/advice. if her emotions and mood are going down, be there with her and go together (im not saying be sad with her haha). she needs you the most while going down so give her the most attention, support, patience, understanding and of course love. once she hits the bottom, she will clear up her emotions and rise back up.once her emotions are at the most positive level, strike her back with affection, love and care (the day she hugged you is when she was in an extremely positive mood). at this positive, happy stage give nothing but love; no drama. for the last step..

 

4) keep repeating this process/reassure her constantly

this is going to be a long, constant cycle. you really need to be extremely patient. keep repeating these steps because there is a lot of emotional cleansing needing to be done for both of you. at this time and especially when she is in a positive mood (upwards mood) you need to be loving, understanding, caring, and respectful of her actions constantly to reassure her that you are there for her. don't be confused when she is in a bad mood or feeling negative again (an emotional roller coaster ride remember that), it is completely normal. no matter how many times you make her mood positive or happy she will eventually go towards the downward path so don't make the mistake of giving up. keep repeating the steps so that she is constantly feeling positive and loved.

keep all these things in mind when you speak with her again. i will provide more advice after you speak with her and we'll come up with a plan to win her back

you can do it my friend! please update us so we can help right away

 

 

Hey thanks alot for the help. So i just got back in touch with her. She agreed and said lets go with the flow with the break thing but then 

1. she said " We'll see " about the break time period which is btw 2 weeks -2months. Because she also said she doesn't want to drag it out any longer

2. she said " my feelings are a mess, i want this, but i want that, i don't know where my head is right now" So bascially she wants to be alone but at the same time she doesn't. She's not sure what she wants

3. she said " the longer i stay with someone, i'll just hurt them and drain myself more"  she feels bad for hurting. but im fine now. But she stills feels guilty and i don't know how to get it through to her that its okay

We only talk for 2 hours then stop cause she was back to her confused stage again and i just gave her space and told her ill give her time and will check up on her again some other time but if she needs me for anything just call me im here for her.

So what do you think i can do now? im not sure what she's thinking

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2 hours ago, thi_mnguyen_at_hotmail.com_stv said:

 

 

Hey thanks alot for the help. So i just got back in touch with her. She agreed and said lets go with the flow with the break thing but then 

1. she said " We'll see " about the break time period which is btw 2 weeks -2months. Because she also said she doesn't want to drag it out any longer

2. she said " my feelings are a mess, i want this, but i want that, i don't know where my head is right now" So bascially she wants to be alone but at the same time she doesn't. She's not sure what she wants

3. she said " the longer i stay with someone, i'll just hurt them and drain myself more"  she feels bad for hurting. but im fine now. But she stills feels guilty and i don't know how to get it through to her that its okay

We only talk for 2 hours then stop cause she was back to her confused stage again and i just gave her space and told her ill give her time and will check up on her again some other time but if she needs me for anything just call me im here for her.

So what do you think i can do now? im not sure what she's thinking

 

There's not much more you can do. The ball is in her court now. She has to sort the mess in her head out else she can't move forward and if you keep wanting to do something / anything for her, you'll also be stuck in the quagmire and won't be able to move forward. Just do your own thing until she sorts it out.

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