Ask The Ladies - Read First Post

[riti89]

@Kiribati I can see why you are uncomfortable and to be honest, I would be too. Exs who are best friends can be a tricky situation for the "new" boyfriend/girlfriend. While I don't know your gf, I am the type of person who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason to not trust them. While this (your gf's behavior) does seem a little odd, I don't think it's something you have to stress over- unless during one of these texts she insulted you or said she doesn't love you. Then I, personally, would be like "Alright, I'm outta here."  You said yourself that she spends time with you. Other than this text, has she ever given you any reason to worry? Do you feel as though she loves you? Really think about it and if after some thought you realize that you feel loved and respected then give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the reason why she is telling you to stay is because she doesn't want it to get awkward for you at the dinner where her friend doesn't like you. 
If my boyfriend's friends didn't like me and my boyfriend knew, I would be alright with staying home if he told me to. And if that friend happened to be an ex, I would probably not want to go anyways and stress myself out. I'm the type of person who would start to compare myself to her even if my bf doesn't. And I don't want to add that to our relationship- so I would stay away lol Obviously though, trust is required in this. I have to trust him around his ex. I have to trust that he loves me and only me. 
 I still think you should tell her exactly how you feel and what you think. You need to communicate that you feel uncomfortable about what is happening. If you don't want to bring up the texts, you can easily say something like 'I feel like you don't want me to go? Why?" when she starts to come up with excuses for you not to hang out. Personally I would tell my bf something like "I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth" and then put in a little laugh to make it easier for him to be honest with me. I want honesty but I want them to feel comfortable enough to speak the truth. If I start accusing or yelling then he's probably going to go into defensive instead of being honest. So, maybe you can try that approach? 

Just one thing I want to add as a piece of advice is that once you start to voice your doubts and accuse anything remotely like infidelity, it can change the dynamic of the relationship drastically. So really think about where you relationship is as of now and if you are willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.
At the end of the day, though, I don't know the full dynamic of your relationship and I can't really make the decision for you. You have to decide if you are alright with whatever is happening or not. 

[Roasty]

@Kiribati‌ do you still want to continue your relationship with your gf?

From what you have written feels like she is ashamed of you. Not wanting you to hang out with her friends. I would have understood if it was an all girls thing but from the sound of it her friends bfs are attending aswell. Why doesnt she want you to?

If she really liked you that much she wouldn't care what her best guy friend/ex thinks of you. There is prob some lingering feelings between the two of them.

Oh and the fact she is hiding what she really thinks of you, is a pretty big sign already.

[Guest j3nnnny]

Kiribati said: @x_intotheblue_x
@riti89

tl;dr on the bottom lol

Thanks for the replies! I wish I could take back what I did but I refuse to play the fool, especially when there's inconsistencies to what she tells me and what I see. As for the context itself, it'll take more than a post on the internet to explain but, more or less, it was about a part of a text conversation her and her guy best friend (whom she dated for 2 years, 3 years ago - this plays a big part in the whole scheme of things) had. She had plans to get dinner with her girlfriend and her guy best friend was invited. I threw out the idea that maybe that would be a great time to meet them and to get to know them. She said she'd ask her girlfriend. They didn't mind if I went, or so I thought. Later on in the day I figured, well, she spent all day with me, why not just let her have her time with her own friends. So off they went to dinner and that was that.

Key things throughout the day before the dinner:

• She says she didn't mind if I went, offered to ask for me, but started to give me reasons not to if I got close to committing to the plan.
• - Ex: She says it might be awkward because her girlfriend's boyfriend is going and he's never met the guy best friend either.
• I've never met either guys in this situation, so I agreed it might be awkward. This will play a part later...
  

The day after, she left her phone with me for a period of time and a message came up. Usually we're pretty open about it but I don't ever read anything, at all. But that day, I did. Wrong or not, I read it.

What I found:

• When she asked her girlfriend if I could join them for dinner, she said it like this, "...so Jeff wants to come :-< he's asking if he can."
• Her conversation with her guy best friend/ex went like "I think Jeff is coming..." "oh I don't want to go then, I don't like him >=)" This went back and forth throughout the day because I didn't really give her an answer until later that night. So it wasn't just a one-liner. She kept telling him she doesn't know if I'm going, and he kept asking her if I was going.
  
• The guy best friend/ex also mentioned things like "just saw your snapchat, nice hat, I wonder where you got it wear it tonight, I'll wear mine too." or "How come you never snapchat me directly?" "cause, these hoes aint loyal" (what the heck does that even mean?)
  
• Apparently the guy best friend/ex and the other boyfriend are more familiar with each other than what she told me. "Okay let (the friend's boyfriend) know I'm excited to kick it with him" etc.
  

I didn't freak out or anything but I think it all serves as good basis for being uncomfortable. Anyway, to answer your question. I didn't directly bring it up but I asked her how she really felt about me going to dinner and if her friends had ever said anything about me (two separate questions). What she answered didn't match with what I read (ex: "They didn't mind at all, but I think I would've enjoyed it better if it was just me and my friends." or "No, he doesn't think anything about you, he's happy that I'm happy and that's it!") And that's where I'm stuck.

I also asked her how she would feel if I asked to look through her phone, and although she got offended she said she wouldn't mind, BUT the moment I got anywhere close to even mentioning that I did want to look through her phone, she'd play the trust card and say I shouldn't have to even want to look through her phone.

I feel like I'm crazy because of all the things I see but she spends all her free time with me so where is all this insecurity coming from? She only sees her guy best friend/ex once a week, if that. Like, there's no reason for me to be suspicious but here I am seeing all these things on her phone. I am fully ready to admit that I'm crazy but these inconsistencies are really killing me.


tl;dr halp me I feel like I'm the crazy one despite all the evidence in front of me

[x_intotheblue_x]

@J3nnny is right.
When people say communication is the most important thing, they REALLY are NOT kidding.
Honest, open and rational communication (as in non-inflammatory / confrontational, non-jerk wad communication.) is the fastest way to clear up any problems, avoid problems or keep them from becoming much bigger problems.
Given the circumstances you described, I'd have doubts too. But I wouldn't leave those doubts alone to fester into paranoia. Talk to her, don't confront her, talk to her. There is a difference.
Explain that you felt something was off and that you made the poor decision to read her texts, and you're sorry about that. But that the texts raised further doubts for you and you just would like to know where you stand in this situation. Why she doesn't want you and her friends to meet or get to know each other. And explain how that bothers you. 
Do not, however, give her an ultimatum about the ex. Never give an ultimatum unless you're prepared to accept the consequences. (So no "Either get rid of your friend or I leave" conversations). And if it is at the point where you WANT to give that ultimatum, honestly its best to skip the ultimatum and just end it.

[Guest writerstale]

I was at the bus stop today and I saw this tall woman walk by, and it had me wondering. If a guy 5'6-57, the girl is 5'9-5'11, the guy has a most of if not all the traits the girl is looking for in a guy would she date him?

[x_intotheblue_x]

writerstale said: I was at the bus stop today and I saw this tall woman walk by, and it had me wondering. If a guy 5'6-57, the girl is 5'9-5'11, the guy has a most of if not all the traits the girl is looking for in a guy would she date him?

[Guest writerstale]

Why does a woman become interested in a guy, and then 2 weeks to a month later become disinterested if the guy was doing the things he should be doing on his end?

[Ninshark]

If a girl just recently go into a relationship, not enough time to like the guy yet, have a crush/fall in love etc. for the first couple weeks while she is giving him a chance... what do you think the right think to do if the girl suddenly gets a crush on someone else?

At this stage, they are official, but she doesn't like him like that yet. I'm guessing a lot of young relationships start out like this because a guy thinks a girl is cute and asks her out, it's impossible to like him yet, but she gives him a chance, and they become official. I'm sure it's easy for some guy to swoop if she falls for him first.

[mktb]

writerstale said: Why does a woman become interested in a guy, and then 2 weeks to a month later become disinterested if the guy was doing the things he should be doing on his end?

[Guest fairytaledreamer]

have been talking to this guy for a few months now. at first he would text/ call and nag me to talk or hangout a lotnow he dont do any of those anymore, and rarely text me (sometimes he would not contact me for 2 or even a week)and whenever we hungout, he would either try to hold my hand, wrap his hands around my waist or just touch my face, look at me and stuff. He still do those stuff now....but I am confused of the sublimal signs hes giving.
is he playing games or is he trying to give me space?sometimes I am curious on whether he lost interested in me
when I ask where is this leading to? are we dating or just being friends, he couldn't give me a straight answerhe would laugh and respond "i dont know, you tell me"

[x_intotheblue_x]

@writerstale, initial interest in a person is usually based on vague factors if they don't know the person well. Once they get a stronger impression of someone, that can strengthen or weaken the initial interest. 
@Ninshark, this silliness on the part of guys and girls is why I think the modern dating trend is just foolish. It makes more sense to date casually (non-exclusively) until you get to know someone, before dating exclusively. Otherwise it wastes both people's time and gives the wrong impression of one's investment in the potential of the relationship. I would advise that until both individuals get to know each other before making things exclusive... It would make it easier to avoid such awkward and uncomfortable situations as this. 
@Fairytaledreamer  Personally, I would not waste my time. Guys like that are either playing or don't have the faintest clue what they want. It sounds like he has gotten you to a point he feels comfortable he doesn't have to maintain things, but has a date ready when he is. And it sounds like he has gotten comfortable with that lack of effort and lack of commitment to the situation. There is a slim, slim chance he just doesn't want to take the risk of being rejected by trying to make it exclusive... But given his persistence to begin with and his flippant avoidance of a straight answer when you gave him a perfect opportunity... I doubt it.

[Guest fairytaledreamer]

x_intotheblue_xI asked that serious question in a joking matter due to the chance of being dejected. ... and we barely "knowing" each other for a few months now. Do you think anyone would know what they want after a few months of knowing each other? 
is my action irrational? should I just have a "not care" vibe?

[ra123]

This is an emergency! 
There is this girl who claims to have recently broken up with her ex boyfriend. She has called me once and asked what she should do. I'm not really close with her as I barely know her so it makes me wonder why she asked me out of everyone? 
Today she gave me a call saying she is moving out of her exe's. I kind of didn't know what to say and told her politely that I'm at work and told her I will call her back in an HOUR. How should I engage in future conversations with her? I'm not sure of her intentions. Should I ask her out and talk with her in person? 

[riti89]

@ra123 I'm thinking one of two things. First, either she wants to talk to you about the breakup and vent her feelings because she doesn't think she can speak with any of her other friends. In which case, you are just a friend figure to help her get through a tough time. Or secondly, she is looking for a rebound and thought of you because she may be attracted to you. 
You won't know unless you call her  back and find out what's up. You don't have to worry about the intentions until she starts to reveal them. I think you should just hear her out and see what it is she is looking for. If after speaking with her you figure out she is just looking for a person to talk to because she is upset. I, personally, would hear her out and then just go on with my life lol I wouldn't worry too much about it. If after speaking with her you see that she is trying to flirt or more than I would politely tell her I'm not interested and get out lol But that's just me- I am not a huge fan of rebound relationships. However, if you like this girl and don't mind it being rebound then go for it!
I hope that helped...

[cherrycream]

Lie said: Girls, how would you define the difference between needyness and attentiveness/affection?

That's a question I've always wondered (as I've had girls tell me I'm not attentive enough, at the same time I don't want to come off as needy).

[Guest j3nnnny]

@ra123
Perhaps she's trying to seek sympathy? Although, if you are not very close, maybe she's using this as a way to get closer to you lol. If this is a really bad break up, maybe she's not able to think clearly and went to you in a desperate plea. When I broke up with my ex, I had lost a lot of my close friends, so the only "friends" i had were classmates whom I barely hung out with. If you think this is the case, you should offer her emotional support, but don't get too involved if you're not willing to.
@Lie
Can you be more specific....? I think attentive means you say things in favor of the other person, like complimenting them, offering support, buying stuff for them, etc. Neediness is doing stuff in favor of yourself, like going, "I'm bored~~~~ Play with me~~~". Annoying stuff like that lol. If a girl says that you're not attentive, that probably means she wants you to show her more affection and kindness.

[x_intotheblue_x]

@fairtaledreamer, after a few months, one should know well enough if they want to pursue a relationship or not and where they stand with a person. In my opinion, based on the limited details... It does not sound to me that he is as invested as you say he was in the beginning. And in a light-hearted manner or not, you gave him the perfect opportunity (even posed it without pressure) to confirm the boundaries and status relationship, which he opted to avoid. However, his flippant response gave you an opening as well. If you really want to clarify just tell him you've decided and ask if he agrees with it. He did, after all, say "You tell me." So, tell him. 
Your actions and doubts are not irrational, in my opinion.Personally though, I don't recommend games like pretending indifference. It just lengthens out the situation and can end up wasting your time. Decide how invested YOU are in him and the relationship and that, if this is to become exclusive, is this current situation something you're going to be happy with as a relationship? Because if he has backed off now, I don't think the communication and attentiveness will return after its made exclusive. But the only way to find out would be to address it. 
@ra123
That is odd... You said you don't know her very well? Is she someone you only recently met? Is she in your immediate circle of friends? If she is not someone you see or speak with regularly... Then it is odd that she is contacting and updating YOU of all people about her relationship status, in which case I can't help but wonder if this is a "Damsel in Distress" come on... A plea for attention hoping a guy the girl is interested in will swoop in like a white knight to help her in her time of need and comfort her. And not a very well thought out one if it is... I've seen this done before, quite a few times. But usually the girl at least knows the guy pretty well before attempting this, so that they at least have some invested reason to respond to the distress of their friend.
At the very, very least she is trying to make you very aware that she is back on the market... 
@LieI agree with @Cherrycream and @J3nnnyPersonally, I think clingy is when a guy has no personal life of his own separate from the girlfriend and relies on her entirely for companionship and does not handle separation and private obligations well. Someone who constantly calls when the girlfriend is out with friends or family, constantly wants to tag along to events where they're not really meant to be, invite themselves to things, don't want the girlfriend socializing without them, ect.
Attentive is more along the lines of showing consideration and thoughtfulness, in my opinion. Offering to carry things for her, opening doors, giving her your coat if you notice she is cold, holding an umbrella for her, taking her hand, buying her a cold drink on a hot day, a warm drink on a cold day, asking about her day (and actually caring to hear about it), complimenting her, noticing a new hair cut or a new outfit, remembering her likes and interests and making use of that knowledge, listening and taking into consideration what she says and revisiting it later.

[Guest fairytaledreamer]

x_intotheblue_x
so how should I pose the question different to get a respond out of him?5 months may not be a long time but I dont want to waste more time on things that have no future. If he only sees me as a friend than I will be a friend.
3 months into "getting to know" each other, he wanted me to meet his co-workers! but I didnt go bcoz it was on short notice and when I get there everyone else would already be drunk 

[Guest cristolephe]

How much would you say muscles contribute to attractiveness? Some family members have been mocking me for being skinny, but I don't think it would affect my "attractiveness" that much. Would you say it's really important? I know each person has different views, and some value it more importantly than others, but I'd just like to know how much it matters.
And the second question is, do any of you ladies like skinny/fat/other than muscular type guys?
The thing is, I think sometimes guys are pressured to look more muscular than what other people consider attractive. So I'd just like to know if my hypothesis makes sense.

[riti89]

@cristolephe I don't want a body builder! I also don't want the guy who goes to the gym and ONLY works on his arms so that he has this weird beer belly but huge arms-no thank you! Personally I find guys who are fit and healthy so much more attractive than muscular dudes or any other type. I do feel that people in general who do not take care of themselves (whether it be unhealthily fat or skinny) are not very attractive. 
So basically I find the guy who puts in an effort to remain healthy and fit very attractive.