Changing the language you speak with your parents

[lemonade11]

Growing up, my mom has spoken to me in her native language, which is not the language of the place where I lived. I've never completely come to terms with it. When others hear us talking, they consider that I am from my mom's original country/a new immigrant to this country, and there's a certain stigma attached to that. Since I've grown up all my life in this country (not USA btw), I want to be accepted by others as being the same as them. Therefore, recently I've thought about asking my mom to speak to me in the language of this country. She knows how to speak the language, and uses it every day, but with a heavy accent, and she obviously expresses herself a lot more freely in her native language.

 

Has anyone here changed the language that they speak with one or both of their parents, or know anyone who has done so, as a kid or adult? Any insights or sharing of how it went would be helpful!

[cenching]

@lemonade11

As a minority to a certain country who grandparents were even born in that said country, I can tell you that whatever language you speak won’t help you detached from whatever stigma that already there.... Prejudice and racism are nothing new, it’s as old as the humanity...My youngest sister didn’t even speak our native language at all (she started learning it when she reached adulthood) but still the stigma, racism and prejudice are there....We need to learn to live, make peace with it and prove it that we aren’t like the stigma.... Embrace your own heritage and proud of it, because it is what it is...For those who don’t accept who you really are, that’s their problem not yours....

 

 

[kokodus]

I 100 percent agree with @cenching Sometimes we try so hard to fit in that we end up losing our own identity. I think you should proudly speak your mother tongue and not let others dictate what you should and shouldn't speak. 

[mouse007]

As an immigrant myself, I can tell you that even if your mom spoke the common language there, it wouldn't make a difference. Like @cenching said, you have to make peace with the fact that you are different. And honestly, being different is not a bad thing. 

 

Just like your friends like you for you (regardless of your looks, language or background), other people will view you differently regardless of what you do. You shouldn't let other people's biases shape who you are or affect how you live your life or how you view things. I know it's normal to want to fit in and feel accepted. But we shouldn't live our lives trying to please everyone and be like everyone. It's impossible.

 

It's also not fair to your mom to ask her to speak only using the common language when she obviously can express herself better in her native tongue. She already speaks the common language to other people. She seems to only speak her native tongue to you and other family members so it's not like she isn't adapting. And I'm sure she feels the stigma too and speaking her native language is one way she can keep her ties to her native home. 

 

You might not appreciate this now, but one day you will be glad to be able to speak and understand your mother's native tongue. 

[Lmangla]

am guessing that you are a student and so trying to fit in seems like such a huge crisis... but this would happen even if your personality is different from the group or you have different interests from your friends etc... but like others have already mentioned -- embrace your heritage.

 

so to give you a slightly different perspective:

~ a language represents 80% of a culture and it impacts and showcases how they think and feel. it is why it is a big deal when a language dies because the culture with it also dies. there are words and phrases that are not translatable. my language has five different words for love and so the phrase "I love you" actually would change depending on the choice of word and the meaning also changes a bit. so what's my point? even if you get your mom to use the local language instead of her native tongue, she would still be expressing thoughts and feelings in the same style of her native tongue. so it is not like she will seem less different to those around you and for those who are not aware of how language is learnt or spoken, your mom would still sound different anyway.

 

~ some regions are a melting point of languages and so folks learn to speak multiple languages early on. however, if you come from a monolingual background and then learn a new language later, you are still going to retain parts of your native tongue in how you speak. it is usually done unconsciously and it can be difficult to unlearn that. what do I mean? for example, even though there are lots of regions where people speak english, there are differences and I am not referring to just accents or spelling. there are words or phrases that can be unique to certain cultures... so my point is your mom is never going to lose her style of speaking even if she just speaks the local language instead of her native tongue. instead, it will be kind of hodgepodge and this is natural for many non-native language speakers.

 

~ when parents choose to speak their native tongue with their children, it is sometimes a conscious choice. we moved around a lot but my parents made a conscious choice that we would speak our native tongue at home. it was a way of creating a bond, passing on the family history and culture. with kids who didn't have that and ended up speaking primarily english at home, there is a sense of loss later that comes as an adult. there are lots of specific difficulties but one is simply not being able to mix in your community at ease.. at this point, you may not think very highly of your heritage but it will come in handy when you are an adult, as you have to network, or even be part of your community...

 

you can never know how knowing a different language can help you later in life in very practical ways.. even if it is not obvious, there are good reasons why education experts advocate for children to be taught multiple languages and research indicates that speaking multiple languages does help you pick up skills faster... so stuff like that... so learn to be comfortable with yourself and embrace your heritage. good luck!

[Lmangla]

was thinking more about this and so wanted to add more points from the perspective of languages. hope this helps to understand your mom's position better. so to give you context, I come from a region of multiple languages and as we moved around, I studied 6 languages in school and uni.

 

so here's my perspective:

~ so with language A, I found it very easy to learn as I had lived there as a child. so when I heard the sounds again, it felt strangely like coming home. there are sounds that are very difficult for non-native speakers to pick up but I found it very easy. so what's my point? how early you are exposed to a language matters and it impacts how you learn that language. so you are probably comparing yourself to your mom and wondering why your mom doesn't speak the local language like you. well, you are young and studying it in school whereas she is an adult. so that is a difference.

 

~ so with language B, I struggled and I could not get the pronunciations right at all. whereas language C was a breeze. why was there a difference? I have no idea but even when you have a great linguistic ear, some languages are easier to learn than others. so for those who have no linguistic ear, picking up another language can become very difficult.

 

~ accent is nothing but a rhythm of your native tongue. so even when you speak another language, most people tend to stick to their original rhythm. it takes time to unlearn that and even when people have lived in another place for 30 odd years, they sometimes never lose their accent. so you might compare your mom to another aunty and wonder why your mom has such a strong accent while another doesn't, you have to remember that different people retain language differently and have different language learning skills. it is not always the same.

 

~ for most adults, language is simply a mode of communication. so I had to move to a northern city for a project for a month. even though I can understand language D, speaking it is difficult for me. also, northern languages belong to a different language family which means the grammar rules are different. so what would happen is I would unconsciously translate from my language to language D and it sounded pretty funny. but did I care? no. did the cab drivers or restaurant etc care? NO! why? because it is all about business. so as long as we can understand each other, it didn't matter. so for most adults, thats how we react with when moving to new place -- out of necessity, we have to speak this new language and our priority is more about being understood and completing the tasks. so we don't worry so much about grammar and structure as long as the message is getting across.

 

can it be embarrassing to be speaking it wrong? sure. but you just pick it up as you go along...remember that most grammatical errors occur because people are subconsciously sticking to their native tongue rules. you have to consciously remember the new language grammar rules but that can slow down your reaction or speech. it takes time for you to know the grammar rules of the new language unconsciously and even then some people never get it completely right...

 

~ also when you have lived in different places, you do feel a sense of home when you are within your community and speaking your native tongue. so be aware that by asking your mom to stop speaking her native tongue, you are in essence robbing her of that sense of home, of that feeling of herself. there are huge reasons why language is a very political issue in many countries. it is a matter of identity.

 

[lemonade11]

Thanks for your replies guys. You guys missed the point and didn't answer my question at all though.

 

I understand that you guys are assuming that we are an Asian family that moved to a 'white' country. Actually, no one can tell that we are 'immigrants' by our appearance here. So its not a matter of an Asian family being perceived as outsiders in a 'white country' despite speaking the local language.

 

So in my case, speaking the local language with my family will make me feel and make others feel that I am less of an immigrant. And I am very fluent in my mother's native language already, continuing to speak it with her won't really further improve it.

 

Back to my original question: Has anyone here changed the language that they speak with one or both of their parents, or know anyone who has done so, as a kid or adult? Any insights or sharing of how it went would be helpful!

[cenching]

@lemonade11

FYI, I am of Asian ancestry who lives in Asia and married to another Asian but different race and live in another Asian country.... So I am not speaking of being Asians live in Western country experiences....

 

To answer your Q:

Has anyone here changed the language that they speak with one or both of their parents, or know anyone who has done so, as a kid or adult?  Yes, my sister.....my sister was brought up by a nanny who was a native to the country so she doesn't spoke our mother tongue but she can understand well.....Usually we spoke to her in mother tongue and she replied in native language. During childhood up to her Senior High she didn't speaks our mother tongue at all. Until my dad put his feet down and banned any language aside from our mother tongue at home so she was force to speaks it....

 

Any insights or sharing of how it went would be helpful!

It take a discipline to actually do it but it wasn't impossible because she speaks our mother tongue well now but her native language still much better....

 

[Lmangla]

hmmm, so I am living in Asia by the way and I come from a region where language is a highly political issue and we identify culturally by the language we speak..even those who don't speak it identify themselves culturally by the language of their community.. and by the way, most of us look the same ethnically but still we can easily spot who are the sister language speakers because the cultural differences are strong and unique. so my gut response is that even if you stop speaking your native tongue, you will still be identified by such. so you just need to make peace with that.

 

that said, any insights on language switching Q -- it all depends on the person's language abilities and very few people have a good linguistic ear. so example. my uncle lived in a different region due to his job and so my aunt and kids learned the local language. because the kids were more fluent, they tended to speak a lot in the local language. my aunt would respond back in the local language. my uncle? he would only respond in english or native tongue. I found that funny but he told me that he found the local language a real headache because it took him forever to form sentences as he has to think and he just wanted to be comfortable at home. now, my aunt could speak the local language very well and didn't have an accent but any emotional response -- happiness, sadness, anger -- she and the kids would automatically lapse into the mother tongue. and the family still speaks a kind of hodgepodge. thats their language.

[Lynne]

On 2/24/2019 at 4:05 PM, lemonade11 said:

Growing up, my mom has spoken to me in her native language, which is not the language of the place where I lived. I've never completely come to terms with it. When others hear us talking, they consider that I am from my mom's original country/a new immigrant to this country, and there's a certain stigma attached to that. Since I've grown up all my life in this country (not USA btw), I want to be accepted by others as being the same as them. Therefore, recently I've thought about asking my mom to speak to me in the language of this country. She knows how to speak the language, and uses it every day, but with a heavy accent, and she obviously expresses herself a lot more freely in her native language.

 

Has anyone here changed the language that they speak with one or both of their parents, or know anyone who has done so, as a kid or adult? Any insights or sharing of how it went would be helpful!

 

Hi @lemonade11 

Language can be a simple thing and also complex.

I grew up with two native tongue, one national language.. and I need to add English to the mix too because it is part of the school curriculum. 

Growing up, no, I never ask my parents to speak with me in another language.. I kinda find it cool to be able to speak other languages tbh haha.. and also like Angie, I find that having another language can be a good thing when you want to speak privately amidst a crowd  

 

Now, I'm sure you are an independent person... So of course it is fine if you want to speak your national language everywhere... that's your right!

But please pardon me to say this... Your mother is also her own person.. so personally I think you should be more relaxed and respect her personal preference to speak her native language with you....  

You have say it yourself that she express herself better in your native language... isn't that her way of showing how much she cares? 

 

Friendship comes and goes.. bur parents are forever..