Rejected once, keep going? - A sad ending?

[Ken Ballada]

Hi, I'm here to get some advice and tips here!

I'll tell you my story. I first met this girl out of curiosity and we became friends. We talked for a month and I told her I liked her, but I hid my identity because I didn't want to ask her out at the time. ( Stupid move, I know  ). And when I did tell her or wrote that to her, she found out in an instant. I thought she wasn't going to realize it was me but she caught me, but she didn't tell me anything, so I was very clueless. So a couple days later after I sent that message, we talked a little and then for a good two weeks we stopped talking completely. Then one fateful day my friend finds out for me how she felt about me. And then it hit me to why we stopped talking for two weeks. So I manned up and told her straight up I liked her. She told me: "I like you, but I only saw you as a friend and at the moment I'm not interested in anyone or dating." I took it like a man and maturely. We were awkward for a few days, but in time we managed to start talking again and we became a lot closer than before. Honestly, when she rejected me I thought it would be easy to move on, but it wasn't. I usually have no trouble after a girl rejects me, but nope! I'd like to add that she's extremely beautiful, but that's not why I like her at all. We have a lot of things in common and her personality is something I can go on forever about so I'll keep my mouth shut so you guys won't cringe out. But the one thing that really caught my attention was this unique trait she had that blew me away. It's something that I can't describe but that's what I find extremely attractive about her. I guess I can try describing it though, but what comes in my head is the words honest and sincere.

I've talked about this situation before with a close friend and he told me to go for it, get out of the friendzone and be with her. He says we're pretty close because we can joke around and how she's pretty mean to me, but I know she's just joking. And we're able to talk about in the future we could go to places like Little Tokyo, Disneyland or California Adventure, 626 Night Market, maybe Anime Expo, Korea Town, Six Flags, and etc together. Especially eating live octopus together. Well I want to, haha, she didn't want to at first but I got her to say yes. I'm not sure if I'm wearing rose-colored glasses right now, but I feel like she's what I want and need. I'm not sure if this is important or anything, but when we were alone talking together one time she asked me if I had a thing with someone we knew and I said no and laughed at her for thinking about that. 

Your thoughts? Apologize if this was too long but this is my situation.

My conclusion to this, which I should've posted a while a go, is that I've moved on and I'm great friends with her now. I ended up with a great friend but with the other hand I also ended up with an amazing girlfriend. I learned a lot and took the tips you all gave me to good use. I'm still learning but I've got a good idea what love is and how I should put to practice my own definition of love. Thank you all on the Soompi forums for helping me out. I can't have asked for a better ending and an amazing new chapter of my life.

 

As you're reading this, I'm sure you've read what's up there and it's crazy to see how much time passes by and so many things happen in a blink of an eye. I'm here to report to all of you that my relationship with F or her name is Franz or Fragile has ended. It was a wonderful 2.5 years, but it was a mutual break up. I am here to confess my sins and explain to all of you what I did wrong and could've done better.

 

The reason why she broke up with me was because I failed to keep up with her expectations and failed to fulfill our promises to each other. For the past year she wanted me to work hard, get a job, work out because I had gained a bunch of weight in the course of our relationship, and I had just let myself go. I kind of lost sight of myself and I got too comfortable. But not even that, I know that the break would've been avoidable because she broke up with me after a fight. I wish I controlled myself and kept my composure. I wish I controlled the way I reacted. I wish I never said that "I hate you with a passion" to her. I have so many regrets, but so many things to learn from this.

 

To those that are reading this. You can feel bad or angry at me. This break up was my fault definitely, but it was also a wake up call to stop being lazy and start working on myself. I'm just glad that I got to see her in person, talk about it in person, and comfort each other in person. I still love her lots, but I have to learn to move on now.

 

To those who are in a relationship-- please, please... Do not get too comfortable. Do your best to grow with your partner. Don't let your partner feel as if they're growing without you and make them feel like a mother to you because they have to constantly tell you/remind you what to do. This is my bad habit that and I know some people may or may not relate. I am lazy and I wish I wasn't. But, I know that I can improve myself and work harder this year, 2019. I'm going to become someone I'm happy to be. So that whoever my next partner is, I'll know how to make them happy and I'll be able to make them feel comfortable to know that we are growing together in the relationship.

 

It's not just happiness a person needs. They need a comfortable future as well.

 

I'm going to use this time being single as a way to improve myself. I just wish that I had done it when I was with her. But, I know what I need right now and that's to make beautiful relationships. I want to strengthen the bond with my family, become even closer with my friends, start working out and get my body back or get a body even better than before, start working and earn my own money, and work hard to pursue my dream as a registered nurse.

 

Update? Maybe in the future? Stay tuned or not. Thank you for reading and have a blessed day. If you want to learn more about this journey I went through to reach this 2.5 years, check the other pages. I hope you guys can learn a few things I didn't know before.

[Guest severus]

I'm guessing you're talking to her online if you "hid your identity"? Maybe she has reservations because you're an Internet stranger? 

Regardless, you are balls deep in the friend zone and can decide if you 1) want to keep trying to break out of it or 2) give yourself some space and talk to some other girls to move on. 

Hope it doesn't make you bitter and hold it against her though, I'm sure you're great but attraction is a funny thing. 

[BingBong_514]

This sounds like a version of Densha Otoko (Train Man).

If you can get your hands on that book, I think it'll be much help.

[ayahuasca]

I can relate to your situation.

 

You got a few options.

1. Persist in your campaign in trying to win her over and have a very slim chance at getting with her but are more likely to do something catastrophically stupid and lose her even as a friend.

2. Accept your losses and be content in being friend zoned. At least you're stilfriends right?

3. Accept your losses and cut off contact with her because you're just going to pine away hoping she'll change her mind. This option will just break you mentally especially if she suddenly starts dating someone else.

[frenchtutor]

"Then one fateful day my friend finds out for me how she felt about me"

you tell her how you feel and she declines your advance

o_o

the situation you're in right now isn't fair for the both of you. everything she says and does makes you want her more and everything you do makes you seem like the perfect friend

so you need to take action so that both parties are not disillusioned into a fantasy world. especially for her its extremely unfair. why do i say this? you're pretty much "disguised" as a friend and when you feel like the perfect opportunity comes you're going to tell her how you feel. she's spent all this time treating you like a friend and it turns out you werent one. dont be a wolf dressed in sheep's clothing. i know you feel like you're extremely close to getting her to be your girl but these cases are extremely rare. timing is extremely important and i believe you missed the chance. meaning if you continue this and confess to her she will only reject you again. especially since you "hid your identity" its clear to her that you're a person who doesn't know what he wants which is trouble

but dont worry there are still other ways you can make her your girl. so heres a plan for you

1) start investing your time better

start investing in your time so that you're developing yourself and not developing her. because at this point, no matter what you do for her is only going to put you even deeper into the friendzone.

a) start a new hobby, learn to play an instrument or learn a new language. be busy with yourself and strive to learn various things in life. go out and meet more people, girls and guys. this shows that you can be a man with traits of a potential lover. show her theres a different side to you.

b ) if you guys are going out to eat frequently, watching movies together, talking 24/7, it is a waste of time my friend. i know it feels good but you need to think of the long term goals; its only a temporary drug. she is not your girlfriend so why treat her like one? all that time you spend with her you can use to spend it on things to develop yourself which in turn makes you seem more of a lover than a friend. distance will keep you closer to her, in the direction you want it to be. dont be cold and distant, be there for her just don't be all up in her face.

2) stop treating her like a princess and start acting like the alpha male

a wise soompier once told me with the initials BL that you can't put girls on the pedestal because she won't treat you as an equal. if you're saying things like:

wow you're so different than other girls haha

i wish more girls were like you haha

haha you're so cool and different

NO. it's time for you to take off those rose-colored glasses and put your raybans on. if she is beautiful like you claim her to be, she has plenty of peasants to treat her like a princess. don't be one of those guys. be there for her but dont be her btch. as i mentioned before the more you spend time with her at this stage you will only put her status higher and yours rock bottom. 

 

get it out of your head that everything she does is a sign that she is liking you more when its not. i know she seems to be amazing but if you go out and meet more girls there are plenty of girls that are just as amazing. be the alpha male and take charge

good luck

[CamelKnight]

I must say I agree with @frenchtutor here. She knows you by now. Change, so she notices you find it important to invest in yourself and do new things. That's what girls find exciting. Discovering new "parts" of the old you.

Besides creating a different you for her, you will also appreciate yourself and your worth more. It will build character and with that, interest from other women. As soon as your friend finds out you're a better catch these days, she might even think about you as a man instead of you as a friend.

It's a longshot though. So far I've not read a single thing that tells me she's interested in you other than the part where she said she's not interested in dating anyone right now. Do know that most women say that to get rid of a man in the most comfortable way. The problem is that the sentence doesn't definately close the door on your feelings, but for her, it's over and done. At least in most cases.
Rarely men come back from that and reenter her life as the lover.

[Ken Ballada]

13 hours ago, frenchtutor said:

"Then one fateful day my friend finds out for me how she felt about me"

you tell her how you feel and she declines your advance

o_o

the situation you're in right now isn't fair for the both of you. everything she says and does makes you want her more and everything you do makes you seem like the perfect friend

so you need to take action so that both parties are not disillusioned into a fantasy world. especially for her its extremely unfair. why do i say this? you're pretty much "disguised" as a friend and when you feel like the perfect opportunity comes you're going to tell her how you feel. she's spent all this time treating you like a friend and it turns out you werent one. dont be a wolf dressed in sheep's clothing. i know you feel like you're extremely close to getting her to be your girl but these cases are extremely rare. timing is extremely important and i believe you missed the chance. meaning if you continue this and confess to her she will only reject you again. especially since you "hid your identity" its clear to her that you're a person who doesn't know what he wants which is trouble

but dont worry there are still other ways you can make her your girl. so heres a plan for you

1) start investing your time better

start investing in your time so that you're developing yourself and not developing her. because at this point, no matter what you do for her is only going to put you even deeper into the friendzone.

a) start a new hobby, learn to play an instrument or learn a new language. be busy with yourself and strive to learn various things in life. go out and meet more people, girls and guys. this shows that you can be a man with traits of a potential lover. show her theres a different side to you.

b ) if you guys are going out to eat frequently, watching movies together, talking 24/7, it is a waste of time my friend. i know it feels good but you need to think of the long term goals; its only a temporary drug. she is not your girlfriend so why treat her like one? all that time you spend with her you can use to spend it on things to develop yourself which in turn makes you seem more of a lover than a friend. distance will keep you closer to her, in the direction you want it to be. dont be cold and distant, be there for her just don't be all up in her face.

2) stop treating her like a princess and start acting like the alpha male

a wise soompier once told me with the initials BL that you can't put girls on the pedestal because she won't treat you as an equal. if you're saying things like:

wow you're so different than other girls haha

i wish more girls were like you haha

haha you're so cool and different

NO. it's time for you to take off those rose-colored glasses and put your raybans on. if she is beautiful like you claim her to be, she has plenty of peasants to treat her like a princess. don't be one of those guys. be there for her but dont be her btch. as i mentioned before the more you spend time with her at this stage you will only put her status higher and yours rock bottom. 

 

get it out of your head that everything she does is a sign that she is liking you more when its not. i know she seems to be amazing but if you go out and meet more girls there are plenty of girls that are just as amazing. be the alpha male and take charge

good luck

 

This was very helpful and funny too. Before these posts were posted, lol, I actually thought of the same thing because I'm honestly still young and I've yet to fully experience what the world has for me (I was talking to the same friend who helped me originally). And I've yet to learn who I am. I've learned a lot about myself in these past few months ever since I met her and it really surprised me. I've honestly taken a chance at fashion, lmao and I'm getting praised for it at school and my friends. And as for those rose-colored glasses, don't worry, I got a pair of raybans last week and I'm wearing them often now.

I have a question though if you don't mind helping me again because that was extremely helpful. Like, I do talk to her but I'm not sure if I talk to her a lot. I mean, we snapchat each other... and were on a streak... ? And at school I kind of distance myself but when we get the chance we talk, we talk. Also, since school started for me around this time for second semester I just found out how busy I'm going to be these next few weeks or months. So I've got plenty of time for myself and I've been 'showing off' a little bit.

And the part where I treat her like a princess, well, we're both pretty rude to each other and fool around. Plus, I don't compliment her at times... Even though I tell her good luck at your soccer games or good luck at your practice or make sure you b-... I should stop saying that stuff because I've been feeling like a mom. Example: "Make sure to bring an extra pencil, make sure to bring a jacket to school,--" and etc. But I do that on purpose to fool around. Is that bad? I feel like it is now. 

[BingBong_514]

For me at least, too helpful can be irritating. I like to know that I can be independent and handle situations myself.

 

It was be an age thing, because I see myself as pretty old...

[nn_nn]

Never hurt to try again

[MiDnite89]

Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts,

[raymondc27]

Make a move

No regrets 

Time frame is 2 weeks and in sure you've surpassed that. 

Stop deciding.

Just do it (nike)

[frenchtutor]

of course i dont mind helping

im actually happy for you my friend. you already realized that you are learning about yourself and you've learned a lot from her. there's nothing more valuable to you right now then that. as you start fitting in the pieces into the puzzle you'll become more complete which not only makes you more confident but also a better lover/friend. build valuable friendships where you can really count on these people, find what your most fundamental value is as a person and enhance it, find out what you are truly passionate about, find new inspirations and role models you can look up to, find out what you're most afraid of and then conquer it.

also seems like you have an interest in fashion my friend, lets keep that up. learning to dress and being presentable is a life long skill you will use for the rest of your life. being ahead of the game on this will definitely get you places (and cutie patooties). a lot of dudes fail to dress properly. if school is not too busy maybe you can even start part time work at your favorite retail/clothing store? here are some brands you might find inspiration: suit supply, topman, rag & bone, club monaco, jcrew, john varvatos, zara.

looks like school will also keep you busy. be passionate about what you study and always strive to do your best.

as for the girl, seems like you guys are not that close or talk too much honestly. i advise you focus more on your thing and just talk to her once in awhile and see where it goes from there.

and you dont want to be telling her things like "make sure you bring your jacket its cold" or "stay warm today" or "make sure you bring an umbrella its going to rain". girls that you are trying to pursue hate having father figures like that (unless you 100% both know you like each other and the feelings are mutual). although it sounds very caring, in reality she's not going to take it well as you think she would.

and i cant believe you actually got some ray bans hahah. wear them proud and good luck

 

 

 

[CamelKnight]

Lifelessons from @frenchtutor

Respect my friend. Awesome advice to the young ones. Some of these I should've known when I was younger.

[frenchtutor]

thanks CK, wish I knew these things sooner as well. you give helpful advice as well haha.

 

[Ken Ballada]

1 hour ago, frenchtutor said:

thanks CK, wish I knew these things sooner as well. you give helpful advice as well haha.

 

 

Thank you for the tips and advice! I'll put what I've learned to good use. And, honestly, my New Years Resolution was to improve myself and learn more about myself. Guess this a good start!

[BingBong_514]

Keep us updated!

[CamelKnight]

What @BingBong_514 said: curious to find out how this develops

[Sommelier]

On January 11, 2016 at 8:39 PM, severus said:

I'm guessing you're talking to her online if you "hid your identity"? Maybe she has reservations because you're an Internet stranger? 

Regardless, you are balls deep in the friend zone and can decide if you 1) want to keep trying to break out of it or 2) give yourself some space and talk to some other girls to move on. 

Hope it doesn't make you bitter and hold it against her though, I'm sure you're great but attraction is a funny thing. 

 

Not hold it against her?  I agree, that it's not her fault she has no sexual attraction towards him.  

But if he's friend zoned permanently, then he should end the friendship.  Because if he's into her, and she's not into him, then they shouldn't be friends.  

The "Friend Zone" is essentially a girl stabbing you in the eye, then giving you a band-aid.   No, you stabbed him in the eye, you don't get to give him the band-aid to feel better about it.  

 

On January 11, 2016 at 7:06 PM, Ken Ballada said:

 

Your thoughts? Apologize if this was too long but this is my situation. 

 

You should tell her you're into her and want to date her.  If she refuses, just become acquintances.  Say hi when you see her, be polite but end it there.  If she wants to hang say you're busy.  Stop texting her or talking to her unless she initiates.  Find another girl to hook-up with you like more, until then don't become too close with her.  She doesn't get to have a male friend around doing "boyfriend" things for her, while hooking up with another guy.  

[Ken Ballada]

On 1/13/2016 at 10:35 AM, CamelKnight said:

What @BingBong_514 said: curious to find out how this develops

 

On 1/13/2016 at 4:51 AM, BingBong_514 said:

Keep us updated!

 

Aye, aye! I will take you guys one this journey with me. 

[miketyson28]

I don't think you need our advice anymore at all. You're actually doing great and I honestly think you can really propose to her again now. I mean you two are so close now, she agrees to travel with you to places you both want, and even ask you if you like someone. Heck, propose to her now before she thinks you don't like her anymore or just consider her as a friend now. Best of luck to you! <3