relationship turns sour!

[nn_nn]

To simply things, my side of the family doesnt like my (roughly 2 months relationship) bf, and now I feel like his dad doesnt like me too!

And because I care about family, I wanted my family to like him so I have been encouraging him to make changes but it is not going to well. Also nowadays he barely text, and hangout. Our text has turn into something cold, unfamiliar and takes forever to respond back to each other (sometimes to me) Our hangout that were sometimes 3 times a week to now once a week then now none a week.  He has every Mondays & Tuesdays off while I have Thrusdays off. Before regardless he would still drove (1hr or even more depends on the pm traffic) to hangout with me even if it is for 3-4hrs, 3 or 4 times a week; now i have to suggest/ request for us to see each other. I feel like he stops trying, and just doing this to discourage me so I can break up with him (maybe coz he has an issue of breaking up with someone ?idk) I notice of the changes at the begining of May, when I asked he told me that his friends comments has made him wanting to take things slower. I dont want us to end but if worse case to come, I had to because I want to feel love and be love and he is not sustain the level of affections like it was at the begining. When I asked my friend they said that is just the chase affection, It is not real. The mask comes off after the relationship is official. We had about 3-4 serious talk about the issues, there is a slight changes here and there for a few days but then went back to normal. How do I get him to realize that we are falling apart? Has my expectation raised because we were moving too fast to meet each other's family within the 2 months dating frame? or it is just that I expected too much at the begining of the relationship that has not established any solid emotional understanding?

[ayahuasca]

To simply things, my family does not like my roughly 2 months boyfriend for many reasons (jobs, how he looks, his traits, skills and etc). And I feel like his dad does not like me either ! Talk to the sister once, so I cannot say. 

The biggest issue is that I care more for my parents but I also like him! I know he does not like the current state he is in right now (jobs), and it takes time to change. However I feel like it is getting more serious each day to the point where I cannot even talk sense into my parents without them mocking me about him (jobs/hair/etc). A few days ago, we had the last deep conversation (about him not meeting my emotional/ physical needs) and I notice a slight change ..but I feel like if I continue on pushing at it we will eventually fall apart because he would think I wanted to change him into my "ideal boyfriend type" so

1/ how do I encourage him to make the changes without having him feel like I want to change him?

2/ how often should I encourage those changes?

Beside my family does not like him, I am somewhat unsatisfied because into our 1 month together he told me that "he is afraid to show too much of his emotion knowing that he would do anything for me" . He would let his homies influence on how we want to gear our relationship to sail. Sometimes I feel like I am putting in more effort than he is and that he is too independent for my liking.  How can I get back the balance??

​Have you considered that you yourself need to change too? 

If all you do is push him to change without reaching any sort of compromise, you're putting all the burden of the relationship on him. If your conversations start with

"I need..."

"I want..."

"You need to ... "

"You should ..."

Then you're doing it wrong. And if you are continuing to want him to change, he will (and should) break up with you.

[nn_nn]

@ayahuasca

I dont think it is an irrational thing to ask for, it should be something fundamental that a serious relationship should have.

because before we even made it official he shown me that "I loved you, and is being loved by you" now it seems like he doesnt care (barely text, no call, barely even hang out anymore. He listens more to his homies and sometimes I have a feeling that his dad doesnt like me much) I feel like he is doing all of these things because he wants me to break up with him (because maybe he has issue with breaking up with other people. idk.) 

again he is okay with a large quantity of alone time where he feels like he doesnt need to do any of these things anymore now that he has me

[GiaGia]

@nn_nn I feel you should have a serious conversation with him and go from there. Tell him how you feel and if he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you anymore, then be the first one to break it off with him. He sounds like he's not strong enough to break up with you. Heck, he can't even think for himself and just listen to his friend? Not sure how old you both are, but if you are both adults, act like one and talk to each other. It also seems like his actions is louder than his words. It's only a 2 months relationship, just forget someone like him, he's not worth it.

[nn_nn]

@rosierosie

we both are 28 years old, so I feel like he should be able to distinguished between the opinions of outsiders, and his formed of opinions of where "us" is heading because only he knows me/ us best. No one else has a large amount of contacts beside us two! so I didn't feel good when he swayed at the opinionated of others. I did talked to him about the issues, not once or twice but 4 TIMES ...the most recent and last that we spoke about the issue, he was like "this is how I am, it will be difficult to change but I will try my best" and surely he did ..but it didn't last for long. I don't demands him to stay on (the phone, text and/or hangout with me) 24/7 or for hours but at least check up on me like I did with him before. I appreciated real conversation not text all the time ! 

yes! I know we have different schedule, but we made things work before. I told him recently for the last time that i am at my last straw, and is at the edge of breaking things off. I am giving him 2 weeks, if my heart/mind still feels heavy then "us" has to go! However before discarding the relationship i wanted to know if anyone has any suggestion on encouraging him to make the slight changes.

[GiaGia]

I feel like he's done trying in this relationship. A guy who still likes you and want to be with you, he will nt make you sad and upset with him. He will tries his best to understand you and be considerate of you. It just seems like this guy is done trying to be your boyfriend. If I know that I try my best, but she's not putting in the effort I change or meet me halfway, then I'm going to break it off. The relationship no longer holds meaning for him. It sucks but it's time to let go. 4 times is a lot of chances. He had way so many chances, he's not going to change. 

[nn_nn]

@rosierosie

so I talked to my friends, and they said that it might be because we are moving too fast for a 2 months time frame

we had already met each other family and he even introduced me to his whole side of the generation lol that only happens when both are ready for marriage. And because of that, the expectation raised !! so now I expects more from him, and when he doesnt satisfy my demands I get frustrated ...

[GiaGia]

@nn_nn okay then try to lower down the expectations and go from there. Just enjoy each other and the rest will follow.

[nn_nn]

rosierosie

I want to be with him, I told him that ! also I feel like if someone really want to be with you, they would raise up to your standard so for that I am not going to lower. Just not expecting much from him.

He have been calling me more often a week but we only spoke for roughly 30 mins {wtf!} and sometime it feels like he doesnt want to talk  always making excuses. Not sure if thats a sign of improvement on his part (with some time to get use/change his bad habits or he doesnt want to talk to me at all. I dont know whats running through his mind and its frustrating !) 

At this moment, i want to ignore all of his calls from now on but thats not a mature/ healthy thing to do in a relationship. How should I let him know subliminally??

[GiaGia]

@nn_nn he might be those guys that don't like talking on the phone for a long period of time. But I feel like if someone really likes you and wants to invest their time in you, then they would talk to you for as long as they want to. I don't know what to tell you, I feel like it's a sinking ship at this point.

I say go with your guts feeling? What are they telling you? 

[nn_nn]

@rosierosie

I dont know because I never had this issue before with my past relationship so I am confused and dont know what to do. Most of my exs lived about 15 minutes away, and we see each other all the time. They would call me at least once daily and spontaneously throughout the week. When I don't text them back or answer to their calls, I would receive a silent treatment but then again they call me before the day ends and ask why haven't I been responding to their call or text? The only issue that I had with my exs are our difference in perspective and same was with my current one. He dont like to be on the phone for hours. Texts? ok! but phone calls daily is out of the question for him. i have to continuously requesting of him. We dont live too far apart, but it is about an hour drive give or take so the possibility of "hey I miss you" dropping by each other house seems difficult on a daily basis or even every other day and whats not (not adding to the fact that we have different working schedule and day off) Well my gut told me to go with the flow but at the same time I cannot help but feel a wave of disappointment because of his disengagement (trying very little, open up). Even though we talk more often now, but he initiated the calls twice a week. Most of the time it is me calling. Recently I suggested on doing facetime, skype and/or using video chat apps instead of voice call and he was like "sure lets try that" He told me not to have/set any expectation on him, and that it will eventually happen. I asked him what is that suppose to mean? Are you trying to say that I only see you as a short term thing, and he was like no you think to deep into what I say. 

 

[GiaGia]

@nn_nn Okay I suggest you two go with the flow for now. It seems like he still cares to be in this relationship with you by taking initiatives, and changing for you. He just sounds like one of those boyfriends that doesn't like to talk on the phone much. He's confusing to me too. Sorry I can't help much.

[Guest mahendar]

you told to your family too early that's the mistake you done.2 months was a too little you have to take some more time and understand whether he suits you or not then you have to tell you family about him.and it seems he lost his interest from the date your family members rejected him.he may hurt himself and feel he was going to lose you.he was trying to forget you.

[nn_nn]

 

we are now in our 5 month, but the issue is still an on/off ..he does good then go bad then back to doing the good thing again. And also we just got into a huge argument and i initiate the breakup so now is what I would call the break period between us. still talking on the phone but the connection seems a bit off 

i dont think he knows my family doesnt like him coz i told him that my parents love him. hes scared to meet them though because my mom always scole him when he brought me home late or me coming home late ...I feel like telling him that my mom doesnt like him coz she dont. After what I told her about the reason to our huge argument/break up she told me to just apologize to him and then just slowly just go separate ways

[ivana b. anonymous]

Hey OP, is your bf really busy working all the time? Or is he free a lot, just no time for you? Like he'd rather spend time with his friends than being with you?
 

If he's working all the time, then I can see why he can't really spare a lot of time for you. But if he's not, then he needs to step up his game. This guy I used to date once ditched me on Vday (for his pals' dad), which, although sweet, I knew it wasn't going to last. Every guy/girl has their preferences and can tolerate neglect for a variety of reasons, but there are just some things you shouldn't have to compete with.

[nn_nn]

 

Hes taking up a new position and is working 5 days out of a week with 2 days off totally conflicted with mine. His schedule is stable/fix while mine is constantly changing every 2 weeks so I never know what days I will be working/off ... We tried to see each other as much as we possible can but sometimes it is really difficult because we only have up to 30minutes to 2-3 hrs to spare to actually see each other ...

I do agreed that he needs to step up his game, and feel like having a talk again ...just to give each other the common grounds once again ...we did broke up last week, but yeah uhm that was done out of anger, and lack of patience with his BS that night