Jealous of girlfriend obsessed with celebrities

[cutebublebear]

My girlfriend likes to watch dramas and she would always talk about how cute and wonderful the main guy in the drama is. She even says she is jealous of the girl. It makes me feel so jealous and kind of sad. She seems so obsessed with those guys. I feel that she doesn't really love me then, and she doesn't seem to be stable.

She even said she wanted to meet this male celebrity so that she can die in peace.

What do you guys think?

[Guest Kerriganton]

Just know that the chances of her getting with celebrities is very slim to none.

[Guest termus123]

Don't be so insecure and theres something you need to realize.
Actors/Actresses portray a FICTIONAL character who are not themselves, your girlfriend is crushing on, not in love with (theres a huge difference) with FICTIONAL character in a Drama. It's like comparing heaven to earth, one exists while the other is a fantasy, don't try compare yourself to fantasy lol...

[KeHAEa]

I think she's saying these things either because...
1) she's comfortable with you and thinks you won't judge her based on her true feelings so she can freely express herself, which is good or2) she's trying to hint at something, maybe have you notice what her dream guy would be, and how you can (maybe) become more like that or3) she's just trying to make you jealous, which is probably not the case.
It's probably (1), try not to be too jealous about it, fangirls all fangirl in a fantasy world, which is easy to get into while watching dramas etc, but once they snap out of it, if they really love you they will still display their love towards you!

[halfmoonsmile]

Well, if she is still acting like a girlfriend should and doesn't neglect to give you attention then I don't see the problem. I'm sure that you think some female celebrities are hot, too. I fangirl over good looking male celebrities and would hate it if a S/O told me that I couldn't do that.

[Guest HERMIT]

Well, if it's drama that she likes, maybe you should introduce her to your new girlfriend.

[Guest]

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[damyoungji]

Hmm, perhaps it is her method of trying to send you signals about what she thinks is romantic or something?
Either way, I would sit her down and talk to her about it. It takes two to work a relationship and not one. If anything, if she complains and does not want to talk about it, tell her that the men in dramas always express their feelings (sooner or later), so you are simply expressing yours like them (ahem*).

[thesteel]

I've had exes do the same thing. It didn't make me jealous, but it made me a bit uncomfortable and had me question their values/views.

The fact that your girlfriend can talk about how she wants to bang some celebrity or that he makes her wet just makes me shake my head at today's society. The celebrity has fame, but he's still a guy in the end. It's hard for me to fully understand why fame alone makes it "okay" to talk/fantasize about sleeping with them.


I mean if there was a really hot guy that can sing well in your class and your girlfriend told you how she would love to sleep with him, that's not gonna be okay. So I just don't get why you add in fame and it's perfectly acceptable. wut. It's not even the fact that they "wouldn't actually do it." I mean let's be honest, a lot of guys/girls would cheat on their s/o to have sex with their favorite celebrity if given the option.

And to take it in another perspective, let's say your girlfriend is obsessed with Taeyang. She goes to a Big Bang concert, has VIP access somehow and meets them backstage. Taeyang gives her a hug and she will be in full out fangirl mode. She will be happier than you've ever seen her happy and she will share about how ecstatic she is about the fact Taeyang hugged her. And you're just sitting there going like... My hugs barely crack a smile. Hell, anything you've done for her probably hasn't made her THIS happy before. So while you're not jealous at the fact Taeyang or some guy hugged her, you feel pretty crappy about it.


I personally think it's just them being immature because I don't see how you can think of anything reasonable to defend them. It's not like a deal breaker or anything (unless they don't stop), but it's always a little uncomfortable trying to tell them that since it makes you look like the bad/jealous/controlling guy

[Guest alphaoxytocin]

Jealousy is normal and we all get that sometimes. You are definitely not alone for being in a situation like yours. But I will give you the way to truly understand how this works, and you will know how to handle these situations.
You are jealous because she appears to be attracted to someone else other than you. So the whole point of being jealous is that you want her to be MOST attracted to you. So let's use that as our primary intention, our goal.
With that goal in mind, here is the way to think about this. Female attraction comes largely from her respect for the man. It could be true that she respects a guy in a drama for one reason or another. But that is fiction and you are in real life. That means, respect (or disrespect) for you have a more "amplified" effect in real life. In other words, if she respects you in real life, that attraction will be a lot stronger. If she disrespects you in real life, it will have a great negative effect on her attraction for you. So in cases like this, you better "play your cards right".
Way 1 (The "wrong" way to go, in terms of achieving your goal)One way that a lot of guys tend to naturally do is automatically show insecurity and jealousy, because they are uncomfortable about it and subsequently become affected by it. Some behaviors include suddenly ignoring the girl (when the girl asks "whats up", they say "oh nothing"), directly questioning the girl about the guy, directly asking the girl the comparison between a fictional guy or celebrity and you, directly defending yourself saying "oh I don't do that because (insert excuse)" or "I do that too!", etc. All these things directly show insecurity and jealousy. Since by doing this, you are admitting that you worry that you cannot keep your girl, because you are admitting that those guys could be better than you are and they are indeed men you should worry in terms of sexual competition (and your insecurity probably did make you feel that way). With these kind of behavior, she will get the vibe that you are NOT the bigger person (between you and whoever you put as your competitor). This leads to less respect for you, and in terms of feelings, less attraction for you (does NOT achieve your goal).
Way 2 (The "right" way to go, in terms of achieving your goal)A better way, then, is to show that you are the bigger person here. Basically, the mentality is that you treat her crush on a fictional character or celebrity as a little boy liking Goku from Dragonball or Ash from Pokemon. The mentality here is that you don't take it seriously and you can even pat her on the head and say "aw that's cute". When you have this mentality, you are not taking these things personally because it shows that you don't consider these things as a worry, you almost don't consider anyone as your competition because you are indeed better. When you have this mentality, you will give off the vibe that you are just the better man (you are just a Harvey Spector - for those of you who watch Suits, you'll understand what I mean - Harvey Spector never gets insecure). This makes the girl respect you as a man, and get the "wow you are just a better man and I look up to you" feeling. When you establish this vibe (not just in this specific situation, but give off this vibe consistently in ALL situations), she won't even WANT to have that strong of a crush on any celebrities in the future. She would be too worried about how to keep YOUR heart instead.
And to successfully do things by way 2, you need to truly "restructure" your mentality and fix this "wrong" emotional reasoning that causes insecurity (in psychology, it is called cognitive restructuring. Sometimes it is used in psychotherapies). That means, you must truly believe in the mentality and it cannot be a "temporary act or solution". A good way to begin as first step is to actively try and NOTICE when you have insecure thoughts and feelings. Yes, for the first few times, your emotions may override your thinking and you may only notice "oh crap! I was being insecure" after you already did showed insecurity. But that's okay! You learn from it. Later, you will start to go "whoa whoa, I think I'm being insecure here". Next step is to change your mentality after you notice these insecure thoughts or behaviors. A good way is to verbally tell yourself when you are alone "I am a better person and I don't NEED to be insecure about this at all."
So here I offer you how to understand this and the two ways a guy could go about this kind of situation. Most guys would naturally do way 1, but knowing this, you have the power to control how you think and act. Good luck!

[Guest termus123]

alphaoxytocin has a good theoretical approach to this problem, however, lets not forget the girls who get insecure because of a lack of jealousy on your part.
Some girls will assume that if you are not jealous then you don't actually like/care for her much or a display of lacking in interest.
Long story short, you need to study your S.O and understand what shes thinking, what she wants to hear and how she came to that conclusion and act accordingly. 
Basically, don't be opinionated at first and test the waters. I'd show slight jealousy once and see her reaction and be the bigger man once and again, check her reaction, if you can't understand her enough to make a good assumption on the first try, trial and error works but be subtle!

[Guest alphaoxytocin]

termus123 said: alphaoxytocin has a good theoretical approach to this problem, however, lets not forget the girls who get insecure because of a lack of jealousy on your part.
Some girls will assume that if you are not jealous then you don't actually like/care for her much or a display of lacking in interest.
Long story short, you need to study your S.O and understand what shes thinking, what she wants to hear and how she came to that conclusion and act accordingly. 
Basically, don't be opinionated at first and test the waters. I'd show slight jealousy once and see her reaction and be the bigger man once and again, check her reaction, if you can't understand her enough to make a good assumption on the first try, trial and error works but be subtle!

[Guest termus123]

I've a friend who is very successful with the ladies, you can call him a player and his brother is 10x better than he is.
Anyways, we discussed this topic, I was originally in full agreement with your views but he told me something which also made some sense.
He said that humans are not born to only be able to fall in love with 1 person, by letting your gf constantly going out and meeting new guys, being "friends" with them etc... will eventually lead to her finding someone she deems as better than you and obviously leaving you.
Another thing he told me to consider was the fact that during the initial stages AKA the "honey moon phase" where infatuation is strong and dopamine spikes in your brain, it is so easy to be tempted to cheat or go with the new found love as new is exciting, it's fast and it hits you like a drug.
In a sense I question my ways as perhaps a little too "ideal" and see his points as a little more "realistic" so I try and compromise.

[Guest Tofu_Cloud]

you both sound like a young couple, chill, take it easy, dont take things so seriously,
i know it's hard to do, but you are wasting your time being stressed and jealous.
1) u might not even marry her if you guys are so young and dating2) all girls think like this, they are fans. I wanted to meet someone too, doesn't mean i will replace them with my bf

[Guest alphaoxytocin]

termus123

said: I've a friend who is very successful with the ladies, you can call him a player and his brother is 10x better than he is.

Anyways, we discussed this topic, I was originally in full agreement with your views but he told me something which also made some sense.

He said that humans are not born to only be able to fall in love with 1 person, by letting your gf constantly going out and meeting new guys, being "friends" with them etc... will eventually lead to her finding someone she deems as better than you and obviously leaving you.

Another thing he told me to consider was the fact that during the initial stages AKA the "honey moon phase" where infatuation is strong and dopamine spikes in your brain, it is so easy to be tempted to cheat or go with the new found love as new is exciting, it's fast and it hits you like a drug.

In a sense I question my ways as perhaps a little too "ideal" and see his points as a little more "realistic" so I try and compromise.

[Guest termus123]

I understand what you are saying, its not difficult to understand and do, however, my question is perhaps targeted more at the relationship dynamic.
Everyone knows that relationships are directly related to a girl's interest level, should it ever drop, you are in trouble.
Now idealistically you can try and keep her interest level high at all times but everyone knows that there will be patches where it plummets in the long run.
Problem at hand at its most fundamental form is, how do you discern whether a girl sees a relationship as something like...I'll date you because you're currently the best guy I've had the chance to date, however, should a better guy come along, I will go for him.
Or as something like...
Relationships take a lot of work, I hope to find someone who is willing to work on it with me rather than always seeking the next best guy jumping from relationship to relationship.
I've dated girls before who have had over 30 relationships etc... This tells me that she will hold onto whoever she sees as the current "best choice" and dump him the moment she finds the "next best guy", I asked her about this, she told me that she wishes to find a guy who will "always keep her attracted, more so than any other guy in the world, forever." 
Now call me crazy but that right there is not realistic, no matter how arrogant and egotistic you are, I can definitively tell you to your face that there will always be someone better than you and someone worse than you.
That being said, I look around me and the ones with very long lasting relationships/marriages etc... seem to be the more quieter ones, the ones who stay with their s.o and spend time with each other a lot more, perhaps more "homely" people etc...
Long story short, are relationships simply a continuous conquest to find someone better? Do you end up happy in the end changing from partner to partner? 

[Guest alphaoxytocin]

@termus123
You are right that there are girls out there who try to seek the "best current guy out there". However, not every girl (or everyone) is like that. In most cases, unless the new guy is significantly better, or there is just a big problem with the current guy, girls would engage in competitor derogating behavior (guys also do this) upon meeting new guys. I will not go into scientific detail here, but there is a lot of cognitive processes going on at both conscious and unconscious levels, all are weighing the gains and risks of moving to a new relationship. And this behavior is influenced by a combination of factors such as belief, culture, past experiences (childhood), and of course (biggest factor), her perception of her "market value". There is a scientific model that explains how her perception of her market value comes into play. But the bottom line here is that the frequency of a girl (or guy)'s tendency to jump from relationship to relationship varies. There is not a single "rule" that dictates this behavior in all humans universally.
Also, in terms of culture, as we move into the future, openness to dating is increasing and that is the direction our modern culture is moving towards. So this would be how culture affects how girls think.
In terms of one's childhood, perhaps she did not have a warm family when she was a child and she developed an insecure type. This makes trusting others very uncomfortable and thus she would jump from relationship to relationship in order to feel like being in control.
As you can see, there could be many possible factors. One single individual can have an infinite possibility of this combination of factors (and within each factor, different degree) that influences her behavior in relationship and love. However, one cannot generalize this "jumping relationship" behavior as one single rule, as the degree of such behavior varies greatly from person to person.
I understand that people do have the tendency to view things in a simple way, trying to simplify everything to one rule, one pattern, black or white. But often we vary on a continuum and cannot be categorized as A or B, X or Y, etc. And I just felt the need to clarify that the belief that girls are always looking for the "best' is inaccurate.
In terms of being the guy, what you can do is limited in terms of the outcome, yes, but that is the best you can do, be the most attractive version of yourself. It does not always guarantee relationship success or longevity, but it is the best one can do. Of course there will be girls who behave differently and you cannot control what they think or act. So bottom line here is do your best of what is in your control (ie. yourself).
Thank you @termus123 though for bringing this up. I do see where you are coming from and you are right that it is difficult to control things all by yourself.
=====================
Anyway, more importantly, back to the OP's case, I believe that the first step is to try and recognize/acknowledge his own insecurity, and then try to let it go. Often (may or may not apply to your case), if you become the most attractive version of yourself (ie. remove insecurity), you may actually find your girlfriend NOT admiring other male celebrities as much. Yes, her behavior and thinking cannot be fully controlled, but understand that her behavior can be influenced and intertwined with how you interact with her. If for any reason she has less attraction for you, she may start to notice other guys more. So like I stated earlier, you cannot directly prevent her from thinking or doing things in a certain way, but you can improve yourself. And rest assure, it will have an effect on her.

[Guest jammer25]

Perspective can go a long way in this case, unless your girlfriend is the obsessive type when it comes to being a fan. Otherwise, know that she's really just fantasizing (which everyone does to an extent) and idealizing those guys. As long as she's still a considerate, caring girlfriend in general in your relationship, take a step back and realize that it's not something that will materially affect your relationship with her.

I work for a company that organizes and promotes a lot of athlete events, and have met my fair share of celebrities over the years. At first I was starstruck since I'm a huge sports fan, but eventually you get used to it and realize that most of them are cool people (at least the ones I've worked with). However, having been a fan when I was a kid and such, I do understand and appreciate the excitement over meeting a celebrity as long as it's nothing extreme.

[Guest xfireworksx]

My boyfriend and I are both the "jealous type," I guess you could say. We would never fangirl/fanboy over someone else; in our eyes, it's almost like cheating. Judging by most of the replies here that may sound extreme, but that's just how we are, and I don't see it as strange. We may think that other people are pretty/handsome, but we both believe in only being attracted to each other. If I were you I would politely tell her how her fangirling makes you feel. 

[cutebublebear]

I do think it is like cheating, I don't understand what right does it make even if its just a celebrity, they are still a person, why can't she be attracted to me only?

I'm confused as to what to say to her? she might get offended at what I say

i'm afraid she will have a go at me, and say that i'm controlling her life, and not allowing her to watch dramas, fangirl over celebrities..