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"In love" yet with someone else? Personal story included.


Guest xFloOwuffBB

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Guest xFloOwuffBB

I'm going to be honest, I'm a pretty narrow-minded person so I don't really understand this whole concept and I'm hoping some of you could help me better understand reality.
Would you ever get into/have you ever been in a relationship despite having strong feelings of love for someone else? It could be your ex or anyone. I just don't understand the reasoning of why a person would do that when they're obviously not emotionally ready.
I'll put my own experience out there just so everyone can get an idea of my ignorance.
So my ex and I were together for 3 years and we broke up August of last year due to him wanting to focus on studies more, and I respected that and gave him the space he needed. However, he had specifically told me that he still had intentions of being together with me when the time was right, and obviously he recognizes my feelings for him still as we never achieved the kind of closure that would allow me to let go of them. Few months later (we had still been talking like best friends basically) and I had to discover that he had been in a relationship with another girl (a very close friend of his I had known before). He never told me about his relationship because he said it was such a short relationship it wasn't worth mentioning. Also, his reasoning for breaking up with her was that he still had feelings for me. Obviously he had every right to date someone else since we are single, but I think it's completely disrespectful to both me and the other party to continue acting as familiar with me as when I had been his girlfriend and to not be fully invested in his girlfriend at the time.
Since then I've kind of faltered in my feelings for him and am seriously on the line about him despite him constantly trying to better himself and be more kind to me.
I kind of just think I'm his convenient girl on the side.

So, thoughts to the question I posed and my story?
To reiterate, I'm a narrow-minded person so please be as kind as possible even if you think I'm a bit stupid.
Thanks. :)

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xFloOwuffBB said: I'm going to be honest, I'm a pretty narrow-minded person so I don't really understand this whole concept and I'm hoping some of you could help me better understand reality.
Would you ever get into/have you ever been in a relationship despite having strong feelings of love for someone else? It could be your ex or anyone. I just don't understand the reasoning of why a person would do that when they're obviously not emotionally ready.
I'll put my own experience out there just so everyone can get an idea of my ignorance.
So my ex and I were together for 3 years and we broke up August of last year due to him wanting to focus on studies more, and I respected that and gave him the space he needed. However, he had specifically told me that he still had intentions of being together with me when the time was right, and obviously he recognizes my feelings for him still as we never achieved the kind of closure that would allow me to let go of them. Few months later (we had still been talking like best friends basically) and I had to discover that he had been in a relationship with another girl (a very close friend of his I had known before). He never told me about his relationship because he said it was such a short relationship it wasn't worth mentioning. Also, his reasoning for breaking up with her was that he still had feelings for me. Obviously he had every right to date someone else since we are single, but I think it's completely disrespectful to both me and the other party to continue acting as familiar with me as when I had been his girlfriend and to not be fully invested in his girlfriend at the time.
Since then I've kind of faltered in my feelings for him and am seriously on the line about him despite him constantly trying to better himself and be more kind to me.
I kind of just think I'm his convenient girl on the side.

So, thoughts to the question I posed and my story?
To reiterate, I'm a narrow-minded person so please be as kind as possible even if you think I'm a bit stupid.
Thanks. :)

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Guest TheJVS

I gather he is still young and doesn't know how to handle life. Because you don't need to break up with your girlfriend to "focus on your studies" And I was obviously right since he got a gf anyways after? I mean, do you have to divorce your wife because you went on a business trip? Do you disown your child because you are too busy? If you are committed to another person, you ALWAYS work things out. I wont comment on whether you should or should not get back with him but if you do, let him know that if he needs more space/time to temporarily commit to other important things in life you are in full support and would allow him to do that. No need to break up. The reason for people to be in a relationship prior to marriage is to work on these problem solving, negotiating, compromising skills. Also, if you are dating someone you don't potentially want to marry in the future, why are you wasting your time dating them? Practise? Experience? Save your time for the "right one"

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Guest xFloOwuffBB

He is older than me but I still believe he's approaching everything in the wrong way. I've already made it clear to him countless times that if all he's looking for is space then I would be more than happy to give that to him, but he says that it would bother him if he wasn't able to "put 100%" in my relationship with him despite me telling him that I don't need that kind of thing. I honestly feel like it's a lot of bs but oh well.
Thanks for responding the two of you!
Anyone else have any thoughts?

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I don't think that he should have been dating someone else. His excuse was that he wanted to focus on his studies? That's not a good excuse. It looks like he wanted to date other people, which is what he did. If this asinine excuse of focusing on his studies held some kind of truth, then he would ask to resume your relationship and not go dating someone else. It looks like he was hoping that he could resume the relationship at any time and he kept it as a backup plan that was sure to work.

I don't think that you should bother with this. He probably got tired of being with the same person for a long time so he wanted to experience more and he probably is scared that he won't be able to find something secure for a while, so he's going back to the most secure relationship he knows.

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I think that people would date just to be in a relationship oftentimes even if they like someone else- because they're too afraid to approach the one they actually like because the rejection would hurt more. Rejection from random girl would not be very formidable. And it's a way to fool yourself into relieving the anxiety you have for the other girl, so that you don't have to be stuck single, and so you can remind yourself, "well at the very LEAST I have this girl, even though I don't like her that much." I personally would not do that because ... well besides the fact that I've never been in a relationship before and I'm not a rash person, I have standards that are way too high, if she is not perfect, or in other words, the one I am crushing on at the moment, I wouldn't try much, has to be the right one... there are a couple girls who like me interestingly enough, I think this is the first time that has ever happened...but the lack of attraction on my end is preventing me from reciprocating, not that I think it's immature or irresponsible (which it may well be), it's that I'll have a perpetual feeling of regret - "darn, I could be with the perfect girl, but instead I settled, now I'm not even available anymore -__-."

Do you see any parallels with any of these scenarios with your ex? just curious.

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Guest xFloOwuffBB

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
I dislike the thought of being part of someone's convenience. As everyone should know, life isn't convenient, and I hate the fact that I may be making someone's life much easier while being on the end that's suffering because of it. I hate to admit that I do still have feelings for such a person but I think I'm a person that should be cherished because I have some self-respect and I was a damn good girlfriend that cared about him.
If he thinks that he can just switch between relationships
it's his loss.

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Guest UnicornGummi

I don't think you should give him a second chance. There are TONS of wonderful guys out there. I went through a similar thing with my ex. We went out for a year-ish or so and then I found out from some friends of mine that he was also seeing this girl on the side. They would talk when I went to sleep or in the early mornings (since I get up really late). I was SO upset but I was completely hung up on him and he was so upset over this. He cried and begged me to take him back so I decided to give him a second chance. It wasn't the same because I felt like I couldn't trust him. Even if you do decide to give this guy a second chance, in the back of your mind you'll always wonder whether or not he's doing the same thing to you again. I know you said he's technically "not cheating" since you guys were broken up, but obviously there were feelings there and you guys have been dating for three years, so I don't think it's fair for him to break up with you because he wanted to "focus on his studies" and give you the hope that you guys will be together again, and then go and date some other girl. 
I think you deserve so much better. I do think cheaters have the ability to change into better people, but I do not think they deserve a second chance from the same person. 

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