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Staying friends with exes & how to get over someone?


Poop-Shoop-A-Loop

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I'm only friends with one of my exes ..we're still really cool with each other. He's still one of my oldest,closest,dearest friends.

Friendship means a lot to me so even after a relationship is over, I'm really persistent on being friends again and it's easy for me to transition into being "just friends" unless the party isn't willing to.

However, with my recent (ex)bf, everything's kind of been upside down. I'm having such a hard time letting go and we agreed to be friends. I thought it'd be easy for me like it usually is, but maybe it's just cause I was so emotionally invested in this relationship that I couldn't be "just friends." I didn't even know how to transition into being that so we ended up being stuck in between. Ultimately, I decided I had to completely cut ties with him (as much as it pained me) because it was having such a negative effect on me. I knew I needed to regroup myself, without him being there, emotionally draining me. I was getting kinda crazy and acting pretty bipolar. I'd get jealous really easily whenever he texted this one girl and it hurt too much that I wasn't someone he needed anymore. Not as a girlfriend, but just even as a friend. He doesn't have many friends and I was the only one who he could really count on that's why I continued to let myself be hurt cause I didn't want to let him down. But it became increasingly obvious that she became his main focus while I was the "friend" on the side that was getting used.

I recently found out something that's just gave a heavy blow to my heart. Ever since then my heart hasn't stopped aching .. even then, I still don't want to completely cut him out of my life. Sometimes I just want to call him up to spend time with him. But I don't know how I will act towards him. I'd be happy one second and the next I'd probably give him the stink eye cos I know he'd be obsessively texting that girl. A lot of times I want to stay friends and try to fight through my emotions until I can finally be over him and still have remained friends with him but I just don't know....

Has anyone successfully stayed close friends with any of their exes without emotions being involved? Did it take time for you? How deeply involved were you in the relationship?

How do you make all this aching and pain stop.. it's just hurting me too much that he can replace me so easily with someone else after everything I did for him as a girlfriend and as a friend. i gave him so much support through everything and was there every step of the way and dealt with so much of his bs but he didn't give a care at all that I stopped wanting to be friends even tho he was the one that wanted us to stay good friends because that was what he needed..

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First of all *hug. I think that was much needed. I've been through the exact same situation with my ex. It's hard to let go of someone you love. Without a doubt, it hurts. When I tried to be "just friends" with my ex, it was REALLY difficult because we still had feelings for each other. It made things really confusing, and the boundaries between us really wasn't clear; we were stuck in between, not just friends but not lovers either. It made me feel like we were together, only he wasn't really exclusively mine anymore. There would be days where we wouldn't talk and I felt like I was getting a little better, that maybe I'd be okay without him. but then he'd message me and at first I felt really happy that he still wanted me in his life, but then the whole cycle started again. I couldn't get better. You know what's worse than letting go? Not being able to be truly happy. When I was with him, it always felt like nothing between us had ever changed, but every time we said goodbye, I knew it was over. It was like breaking up with him every single time, all over again.

I know it hurts. But you have to cut off all ties until you don't have feelings for him anymore :( it will be really hard. But no matter how many times I tried to avoid it, I knew it was what I had to do. Since then, I've been with one other person.. slowly, you'll realize what you did was for the best. You'll start to see that what you're doing now wasn't healthy, and that there are others, WAY BETTER others. But it'll get a lot worse before it starts to get better.

<3 Best of luck.

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I just recently broke up with my first boyfriend ever of almost a year and it was excruciatingly painful. He broke up with me 2 days before school started again at the college I go to, and I was severely depressed for almost a month. I got heartaches and panic attacks every time I saw the sunset because I was so accustomed to meeting him when the sun set for dinner almost every night (since we lived in dorms last school year so we were pretty close to each other), I thought the cycle would never end. I was scared and lonely at the onset of darkness every night and it was a terrible, terrible feeling not even being surrounded by friends could cure.

Time is the best although not most efficient remedy for getting over a past love relationship. But at the same time, you cannot just leave it to time itself to get over him-- you must try and get over him yourself, and mentally make yourself stronger, whether you need a friend or two to talk out your emotions and inner turmoils to, or whether you just need to preoccupy yourself with more studying, extracurriculars, etc. If you're close to your parents and/or siblings, it wouldn't hurt to give them a call to get your mind off of things or to vent, either. I found that especially useful for me, to recall all the bittersweet memories I had together with him and retell them to someone to make them less... "important," or rather less of a private, intimate memory just between me and my ex. By talking about what I used to consider our "secret memories," I made them seem less special and eventually, it no longer hurt to revisit the places we had been and had those memories with together.

Even if friends cannot cure the heartache, it is definitely better than sitting around at home by yourself, mulling over the same memories of the past and thinking about what ifs either. Your friends, if they are good ones, will give you a reality check of the situation and try their best to help you move on.

As for staying friends with exes, I'm not too sure about that seeing as I've only had that one ex that recently broke it off with me. At first, I was inclined to, but then after I realized how much it hurt to see him happily living during the time when I was still hung over him, I decided against it and cut off all ties with him. Just a few weeks ago (about a month and a few weeks after he broke up with me), we ran into each other while going to classes and he talked to me a bit-- said hi and what not. At that time, I was already completely over him and happy with life as it is, so I was able to face him fully and said that we should grab froyo or coffee sometime and catch up. In the end, we did just that almost a week later, and we seemed to be friends. However. I don't recommend being friends with exes when you have another love interest already. For me, my current boyfriend and I were not together yet and I was asking my ex about the "signs" that I was getting from my current boyfriend and if I was right in assuming they were positive signs that he liked me as well. My ex answered honestly that he thinks it is and that I should go for it, but after another week passed and my boyfriend and I got together, my ex became extremely clingy, texting me a lot and asking to meet me by myself... All in all, I'm a bit skeptical of being friends with exes, especially if you've chosen to move on and if you're thinking about the prospect of new relationships soon, I would suggest steering clear of that, unless your ex is completely over you too and you know it 100%.

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Guest moo_lah

I know how difficult it is to get over an ex, and how hard it is to accept the fact that they have moved on from you. Especially when it was just you two, and that he was exclusively yours and only yours but then you're just shoved aside as if you're just another girl. 

I've only really had one boyfriend, and he was amazing, but about 3 months or so ago he broke up with me out of the blue. At first I was really angry, but then I just went into a state of sadness. It was really hard because we both still had feelings for each other, and it was especially difficult because the 'just friends' thing didn't work for us, and our boundaries of what we could and couldn't do with each other were really blurred.

It didn't stay like for long though, because he started to hate me, and I was holding a massive grudge on him. About 2 -3 weeks after we broke up he got another girlfriend which I was so infuriated by. I mean, we were together for a while but he moved on so quickly that it just felt like he thought we were nothing. He didn't even understand why I was so angry.

Ever since we've never been the same. We can't even talk to each other without it blowing up into a fight about how our relationship was dysfunctional or that  there were heaps of flaws in it. Every time I cut contact off with him he finds another way to find me, and I can't shake him off. It hurts when I talk to him, and I hate it.

My advice to you would be to cut off your ties with him, because in the end you will just get hurt. I've come to the realisation that exes can never just be friends, because there will always be that slight attraction which will make things hard always. Make sure you keep your mind off him, whether it be hanging out with friends or family or doing something like a hobby etc. I know it will be hard but in the end you'll see that everything that has happened was all for the best, and it's all just a learning curve to prepare you for the future.

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I think it is possible to still stay friends with exes depending on how you treated your relationship and the seriousness of it. I'm still keeping in contact with all four to be precise. I'll give you a brief summary of what happened with each and how we remained friends.

Ex 1: Dated back in Year 4. Relationship lasted for 1 year and a half. I moved schools and we ended it mutually because we were still (very) young. To be honest, I was really sad because it was my first relationship but we we're so young and at least had good (school) memories. Then in HS we began to talk again, catching up with each other and just talking like old primary buddies.

Ex 2: Dated back in Year 8. Relationship lated for a few months. I ended it because I just couldn't deal with the long distance relationship and didn't feel ready or emotionally strong for that type of commitment. We lost contact for a while, focusing on school and life and then reconnected as friends this year.

Ex 3: Fling lasted 3days-1week-ish beginning of this year in February. (Would it really count as a relationship? x]) He was too clingy and demanding of me almost borderlining obsessiveness so I ended it. (A friend experienced this with her bf and he basically destroyed her social life). I had a long and serious talk with him and it didn't turn out pretty so all contact was destroyed for a few months. He appologised recently and we came to terms but I'm keeping him at metres away from me and not talking to him as often.

Ex 4: Dated during April this year for 2 months and a bit. He treated me really well, we had great dates and dopey memories created with each other. We started talking about busy schedules (he was starting work and I needed to focus on HSCs) and how we're both scared for the future if we let it last too long. I suggested we break up and see what the future holds for us while he wanted to remain friends. During the time, it didn't affected me all that much but as soon as the next day hit I was in tears >w<. Selflessness? Yes, but it didn't mean it doesn't hurt. Didn't want to fall into depression so I continued with what I loved doing; spending time with friends, skyping with other people, playing games, indulging in studies. We had a final closure two months ago, just talking and I realised what I didn't see before; he was too serious and I was too reckless as individuals. So now it's like for me... "Bleh, you're doing well and staying in good health and I want what's best for me as well." And we talk now and again to catch up but keeping it strictly friendly-based with no loose attachments.

The key is: to continue living. Strive for all the things you want to do and achieve. Talk to trusted close friends, cry it all out and let it go slowly at your own pace. Don't push it back to your mind and don't seclude yourself from friends (at least not for an extended amount of time). Do the things you've always loved and just go out with friends, read, excercise, eat healthy and sleep well. Don't linger too much on thoughts of the past. Think positively; you were able to experience the chance to be with him and created good memories at least, right?

I hope you're doing well~ Us Soompiers will be here for you as emotional and mental support~ <3 Smile and stay happy and proud of who you are to have come this far, tokies? ^w^

~ Betty

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Guest Karaamel

It's hard to stay friends with someone you have truly loved or had that special feeling with. I had one ex before my current boyfriend, and honestly, he didn't want to be friends with me. The feeling of someone not liking you for no reason, really hurts no matter how short that relationship was. In the end I did everything I could to just, not talk to him, and when I was finally over him, he thought I just wanted him back or something...that's when I knew, he would never be my friend, I would never want to be his friend anymore, cuz he himself still thinks I like him, but I don't and the fact that he thinks that being friends with me isnt ok anymore, means he thinks  I'm not worth his time, and that i'm just another annoying girl....My boyfriend's ex is even worst, she used to tell him to buy her stuff, nto even ask, but DEMANDED bags from him.... she thought she had control over him even AFTER they broke up and used him to do her hw, do w/e she told him to, and she had the nerve to say to him, that she thought she was obviously more important than me since she has known him for 3 years when he's been together with me for ONLY 8 months(this was 6 months ago :D) even though he would never respond to her. She told him all her lfie stories, told him to do her hw, told him almost anything she wanted, and that got to me. In the end they stopped talking, cuz he never even thought of her as a friend! she thought of everything HERSELF! She was so full of herself, I knew, she wasn't someone you would even want to talk to. And karma's a richard simmons, she lost her then boyfriend for talking to another guy, and now she's in one of the worst colleges you can imagine cuz she only got into about, 3 outta 10 schools she applied to, and the 3 that took her, were either secondary schools that took anybody, or they wanted her money.

I don't think you want to become like how I was OR how my boyfriend's ex is either.  Just cut off all ties with him, tell him you aren't able to talk to him, just tell him how you really feel and that you are sorry but you can't be there for him anymore. He might not even like ehr, but if you guys aren't together anymore, don't bother taking in anything, until you know, that you are truly over him, because for you to love him so much, and for him to be the way he is, he isn't worth your time.  He might like her, he might date her, he might even love her, but who cares, keep yourself busy with anything you can, delete his screenname, delete his facebook, unfollow him on twitter and tumblr, anything, and then keep yourself busy with work, school, anything you can do, go jogging everyday, go play a sport, anything that'll keep you  busy, and in no time, you'll  be over it, and be on to the next one =) 

well that's my thoughts, sorry if its such a long read lol but STAY STRONG AND GOOD LUCK WITH EVERyTHING :D

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Guest zoomlo85

How to get over someone? simple

Meet different girls and have regular sex with different girls to get my mind busy.

It works every time, breaking up hurts especially early experiences but more you experience this stuff and more you realise there are so many singles out there the easier it becomes.

As for staying friends with exes, thats high school stage. lol

I can never stay 'close' friends with a ex.

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