I CHEATED ON HER/SHE CHEATED ON ME

[Guest RyanSaid]

updated june 18th, for the final time

Hi guys. I spoke to my wife and told her about Ellie. I became very emotional and explained to her why I did what I did... I apologized and said that I felt unappreciated and unloved at home. She admitted me to me that she met a guy, too, and that the reason she became so distant was because she felt horrible for her actions but felt trapped because of our marriage. We agreed that doing everything so early was a mistake, and we are going to file for a divorce. I'm 29, she's 28...we still have a lot of time ahead of us. As for our daughters, May and Emma will live with their mother for the week and be with me on the weekends. We both made mistakes. We both forgave each other. All that matters now is the future. I'm not looking back on the past anymore and neither will she.

Eliza and I have agreed that we'll keep going steady. I count from this day a new slate...we've been together two years, but under false premises and lies and without much anything. We're starting over, and I am still convinced that she's the love of my life. As for her? Well...she told me today that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Tomorrow's another day though, and we're going slo-oooo-ow. So I don't want to rush things anymore. I spent the last 8 years regretting.

So to the youngins out there...here's my advice. Breathe a little, live a lot. Take slow steps. Most of all...don't rush into anything. Life is meant to be savored and appreciated--for every single second and waking moment--not to be gulped down hastily like a cheap shot of vodka.

DO IT RIGHT. DON'T MAKE MY MISTAKE

[GOOMBA]

What do you want us to say? You said so yourself that you're convinced Ellie is the one, so quit trying to have the best of both worlds and just pick her already. You're being unfair to your wife who is at home taking care of your children believing that you are faithful, which you are not.

Nothing we can say, no advice, nothing will decide for you. YOU are the only person who knows what makes YOU happy, who YOU could see yourself spend the rest of your life with, who YOU WANT to be with, and YOU need to make that happen, not us

And I know this post sounds rude, but come on... I know relationships break and fall out at one point and one person doesn't have feelings for the other which is usually the case, but you found someone else who you are happy with. And you sound SO sure that she is the one. I can understand if yeah, you don't really want to part from your children but you need to understand this:

If you were to stay in your marriage thinking you can be with your kids, wife AND Ellie- what happens if one day they find out? And by they, I'm INCLUDING Ellie. You're also being unfair to Ellie.

If you leave, at least you can still share custody of your kids and see them on weekends/weekdays, whatever your agreement may be. Your ex-wife will now be FREE to be happy WITH SOMEONE ELSE and you will be with Ellie

And last but not least, I pray to God Ellie IS 18 (If you're in the States, 19 if you're in Canada) because you did say she didn't look more than 17

[kissez*]

I have a friend who's sort of like you but not married. He's miserable and out of love with his girlfriend (well, in his case, he was never in love - within 6 or 7 months of dating, she ended up pregnant and he's been stuck with her ever since).

I'm going to give you the same advice I gave my friend - leave her. Your daughters will always have a father - as long as you choose to be in their life.

I think you messed up big time by cheating - what if your wife retaliates by withholding your children from you? Some women are vindictive like that... I hope she isn't one of them.

Anyway, it's real noble and all that you want to take care of your wife but I mean, you don't have to stay married to her to do that.

[Guest FusionGT2]

Well I guess you're just telling us your story instead of..asking for input since everything has occured already. But seriously did you want us to sit here and be sympathizing for you? I can see where you are coming from that you made the mistake of marrying early and eventually even having kids at a very young age. But really, how could u cheat...on not only your wife, but your children?! At the very least you could have told your wife how you felt and done something about it like a divorce perhaps? Instead you chose the cowardly route and just went and cheated on her. You do realize this is a crime? Adultery, to be exact. I just hope for your sake your family can forgive you, and I hope that you man up and tell them of what you did. I feel bad for your wife and kids honestly.

[Guest Andreas1]

There's a reason why they call girls like that "home wreckers". Of course you are equally to blame, if not more so. You owe it to your wife to come clean, live an honest life. No one will be happy perpetuating a lie, your wife will sense that you aren't emotionally with her anymore.

[Guest crazy lulu]

i must be queen of neg-reps, so go wild at it.

how could you.

tell your wife. if you guys can work through it, work through it. but obviously, you're looking for the green light to leave, so tell her and leave. don't tell your kids. one day, they'll learn about everything and decide how they feel about what you did themselves.

and seriously, this ellie person is jealous and can't stand the fact that the married man she's creeping around with is still with his wife? classic.

man, i'm gonna leave before i boil over.

you probably already have the answers to your own questions. now it's about execution. let's see if you have it in you to act.

[edit] it's been like two to three freakin years?? dude, it's time to man up. and by that i mean.. telling it all.

[Guest Sannyson]

You have to be honest with yourself here- you didn't just cheat on your wife, you're conducting an entire relationship outside of your marriage. There are men that get away with running around with other girls and having affairs, but they definitely don't have serious girlfriends AND wives. At some point you have to choose because there is no way this situation can last forever, it's just impossible to believe it so. You said yourself that you want to divorce your wife, you don't love her anymore and really, it sounds like you don't have any feelings whatsoever for her. You've even already tossed your wedding ring! How selfish is that, you want everything that comes with being a bachelor and yet you won't spare your wife the empty marriage she's currently in because you don't want your children to know their father's true feelings! Or to have everything that comes with a family, loving kids and a stable environment but to have a young girl hanging onto you in hopes for something that will never come to her! What it comes down to is, if you decide to be with Ellie you need to leave your wife, and if you want to stay marriage you need to cut Ellie loose. No one can say exactly what you should do, it is your decision and your life, but there is no other way.

It would be a cold thing to expect your wife to become the main support for your children as at this time she doesn't work. But there is always child support, spousal support, shared custody. What truly are you more afraid of, your daughters growing up without a father, or having your children hate you for leaving their mother for a younger woman? Consider that the longer your relationship with Ellie goes on the less time you're able to spend with your family. How easy is it to go on a family outing with your daughters and wife, considering you're thinking of Ellie the whole time. Would it be better to legitimize your relationship with her, and have your daughters be a part of that?

And it you do decide to leave your wife, this girl was really only 17 or 18 when you met her, right? She is a girl, the same as your wife when you met her! I think I may understand your motives behind this relationship. You say the early parts of your relationship of your wife were passionate, yes? So much the relationship moved incredibly quickly, which is the very same thing that brought you to your current situation. Are you really just recreating the passion you had when you first met your wife? Ask yourself this because if someday you pursue a serious relationship with this girl, marry her, have kids with her... will she do the same to you as you are doing to your wife now? Will she get bored of an older man with an ex wife and two kids already?

If you stay with your wife and leave Ellie, look back onto your relationship with her. Did you really try to keep your love? Is there some irreconcilable issue in the marriage, or was it "boredom" that killed the relationship. Know that everyone gets bored with their significant others at times, mindblowing passion doesn't stay forever. Love takes work, love takes reminding yourself of the things your spouse does that make you feel that way. To forsake all others for your wife, she's the mother of your children, the caretaker of your home... is that enough for you? Giving up Ellie doesn't solve anything if you continue to give up on your marriage. Given time, you'd find yourself in the same place as before.

[Guest lightangel]

Idk if you want to hear advice from a 19 years old....but...

Are you sure that you really "love" Ellie? Like when you "love" your wife when you first met her..is this so called "love" any different than when you first met your wife?

Because it sounds to me like you are in those "honeymoon" stage again. I honestly don't know what happen after the honeymoon stage is over with Ellie, you might not really "love" her like you thought you would.

At your age I think you should know better that you will lose interest in your partner when you sign up for a marriage sooner or later. That's why when you first choose a partner, you should consider that aspect too. "Love" or "feelings" shouldn't be the only reason when you decided to get marry because honestly, that can be develop over time too. I'm not going to "lecture" you anymore (trying hard to not judge here). At least you owe up to yourself. Some men are much more worse than you.

Either way, please tell your wife ASAP. Let your wife hear from you before she find out by herself. At least when she hear from you, you would save some face in front of her rather than letting her find out later. If you keep your family any longer, it will affect your kids badly when they grow up. Do it early when they are still young if you even consider their feelings. Wait any longer and they will hate you forever. (Trust me, I know EXACTLY how your kids will feel...and I honestly can say that you are not very considerate of your wife and kids...in fact I think you're very selfish. I know feelings are hard to control sometimes but still, I think there are better ways to handle this)

Another aspect I want you to put in mind is that Ellie is much much younger than you. She is what? 18?

I'm speaking from my perspective since I am 1 year older. At 18, my mind is still exploring the world and not "stable", if you know what I mean. Sometimes, I don't even know what's best for me. So I don't know how this relationship will work out but...I think you should know that since you already have that experience as an 18 years old.

You cannot keep both of them. Either you choose to be with your family or you choose Ellie. Seems like you already made a decision since you said Ellie is the love of your life.

You should've told your wife this BEFORE you cheated. Maybe you guys could've figure out the problems in your relationship because like I said, you will lose interest at some point in your partner sooner or later in a marriage.

Just my 2 cents. I was trying VERY hard to not be harsh on you (I hate cheater).

[simplii_forevah]

Gosh, that Ellie girl, what a home wrecker indeed. She sounds so selfish with how she treated you after you rejected her. Geez, where's the respect? What did she expect, you to instantly break it off with your wife and family right after she confesses her love for you? Can't she be a little bit more understanding than that?

But this post isn't about bi1tching her out, it's about giving you advice. So I'm just gonna say what other soompiers have already mentioned; it's either Ellie or your wife. Choose, and choose wisely. Are you sure that she's the love of your life? What if down the track in a few years you lose interest, just like you lost interest with your wife? Or worse, what if SHE loses interest. You said that she's really young and only around 17 or 18. She still has a whole life ahead of her where she will meet new people as she grows to become a young woman. And what if she meets someone new? Falls in love with him? Will you be able to live with that? After she leaves you and you're left with NOTHING.

Seriously, it's your choice. Do whatever the heck makes you happy. If you think that a divorce is worth it, go for it. But you owe the truth to your wife and children. The lying has to just stop right now. Gluck.

[Guest Sannyson]

Gosh, that Ellie girl, what a home wrecker indeed. She sounds so selfish with how she treated you after you rejected her. Geez, where's the respect? What did she expect, you to instantly break it off with your wife and family right after she confesses her love for you? Can't she be a little bit more understanding than that?

I really wouldn't be too hard on the girl from the sounds of it. She was a teenager. Women, especially young girls, love to feel special and beautiful and irresistable. To have a man go so far as to leave his wife for you, from that perspective it's incredibly romantic. But from considering all the ages he told us, the OP has to be at least 8 or 9 years older than her. He's the adult in this situation. From that, I'd say it's more a case of a man taking advantage of the silliness of a young girl.

[Guest lightangel]

I really wouldn't be too hard on the girl from the sounds of it. She was a teenager. Women, especially young girls, love to feel special and beautiful and irresistable. To have a man go so far as to leave his wife for you, from that perspective it's incredibly romantic. But from considering all the ages he told us, the OP has to be at least 8 or 9 years older than her. He's the adult in this situation. From that, I'd say it's more a case of a man taking advantage of the silliness of a young girl.

I agree. You know what, I think in most cases the one that cheat like OP...(not the home wrecker), who still have a wife and kids are more in the wrong because they are the one that hold the gun (the decision maker). If they control their emotions better, it wouldn't get to that point.

[eUn_jI28]

Your wife and children deserve more than the truth at this point. I mean, how long do you plan on keeping up these lies? You do know that eventually lies will catch up to you, don't you? My only advice to you is to confess and confess now. Both parties (your wife & children and Ellie) can't possibly be hiding in the dark forever. And you cannot have the best of two worlds, more than anything, you wife and children deserve better than this; your wife - a man who will love & be faithful to her, your children - a father who is man enough to face reality.

By the way, you mentioned Ellie being the one for you? I won't doubt your feelings but have you considered if Ellie thinks you're the one for her? Does she feel the same way? You did state in your post that Ellie's about 17/18 - an age where the desire to experience what the world has to offer kicks in. I'd say, before you continue drilling a hole for yourself and possibly ruin the chances of your wife actually forgiving you (although I doubt she will, but if she does, I hope you realize what an incredible woman she is), keep in mind that what you have now with Ellie could very well be just a fleeting moment.

All the best.

[Sherlock_Mowg]

You know what? A lot of people here don't understand what you're going through and to be honest, I don't think you're looking for sympathy, that's quite clear.

A lot of people frown upon cheating, and they vow that they would "never" cheat, but the awful truth is, they've never been in a position where they could actually be unfaithful, and so they're comfortable on their high horse. I've never cheated in my life and for the most part I've always been confident that I'd never cheat, but as the older I get the more understanding I've become and realise that I've never been in such a terrible circumstance.

To all the people chastising him, telling him he's "trying to get the best of both worlds" and that "he needs to sort it out", it really does not sound as simple as you're making out, and I would love to see how you'd act in his shoes. Most people would say, "I would NEVER cheat on my wife if I had kids" but until they've actually been through the circumstance that the OP has been in, they can't say that with 100% conviction.

What's the point of this post? I guess I'm trying to balance things out from the amount of negative posts he's received. I'm not saying those negative posts are wrong, they are definitely needed and at the end of the day the OP will be breaking an innocent woman's heart, but to me (as long as the story is not fabricated in any way, shape or form) he's simply a victim of circumstance, and he's trying to come to terms with it.

EDIT: And I completely agree with most posters regarding Ellie. You're looking for love, you say and she's only 18/19 right? So what's the chances she'll go through the exact same motions as you and wakes up next to you one day and lose that attraction?

[mintcracker]

Tell your wife. Be honest. Do the right thing.

I'm not gonna mention your comment about 'making love to her' (cos frankly it isn't love, it's lust)

I was cheated on last year. It's been basically a year, I'm still not over the hurt and pain.

That betrayal destroyed me. It really screwed me up big time.

I feel so sorry for your wife. While reading this my stomach turned.

[NaughtyDog]

Before you type angry posts at me, berate me, whatever, please read on. I'm not trying to hide or deny what I did...I just want to share my feelings and confusion and hear others' output. So please read this with an open mind and know that I take full responsibility of my actions; I am a grown man and I know what I have done.

Fast forward to today. I am still with Ellie. I am convinced she is The One for me and I want to spend every waking moment with her. Since she is so much younger than me, I want to protect her constantly. There is not a moment where I am not thinking about her........even when I'm laying in bed with my wife. I don't know what to do anymore. I cannot lose Ellie. She is everything to me. She has been the ray of sunshine in my life and I don't think I'll be able to be without her. On the other hand...I know Ellie is hurt that I wont leave my wife for her. She doesn't vocalize it,but I know. She shows me her jealousy and hurt and sadness...and it really hurts me that I'm hurting her. But I can't leave my wife. I can't let her fend for herself...I may not love her the way I did before, but I want to take care of her. She doesn't work and I don't want her to be a single mom with two daughters. I can't let my daughters be without a father. I want to be there for them....and I don't know what to do anymore. I need help. I need advice.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you're not taking responsibility of your actions at all. Taking responsibility isn't beating yourself up about it and posting this story on soompi; taking responsibility would be owning up to it by telling your wife and ending it with either your wife or Ellie.

You say that you're so upset that you're hurting Ellie by not leaving your wife, but you don't seem to really consider your wife's feelings. I couldn't care less about her feelings because, yes, she is a homewrecker. She told you her feelings knowing that you have a wife and kids and is expecting you to leave them for her - you really can't go lower than that in my opinion. What about the fact that your wife may not be happy because you don't seem to spend enough time with her and that she's completely oblivious to the fact that you're being unfaithful to her?

This is not a case of "best of both worlds" because frankly, you're not happy with your family anymore and you're only staying because you'd feel guilty if you did leave. By leaving your wife and children, they may hate you and of course will be extremely hurt, but by letting her know, at least she can get support from her family, is young enough to look for a job and gain experience and have a higher chance of meeting someone that will appreciate her and won't cheat on her.

Do everyone a favour and actually own up to your mistakes, and this may be rude, but I do hope you get your comeuppance in one way or another.

(edit)

Also, throwing your wedding ring away and telling your wife that you lost it? This thread is literally making my blood boil.

[Guest cutemonster]

this is too early to have my blood boil.

I don't care if I'm gonna get neg. repped for this but you are a F**KING SCUMBAG.

You DON'T DESERVE happiness or LOVE and you are a selfish dumb BASTARD to think otherwise.

I'm so sick of people who pretend to be mature and understanding to say "unless you've been there you don't know what he's going through."

BULLSH*T.

Lots of people KNOW what you are going through but they don't f**k around with 18 year olds while they have a wife and kids at home. It's called RESTRAINT. It's called CONSCIENCE. It's called MORALS AND ETHICS. It's called RESPECT.

You don't love your wife anymore? Divorce. You chose to be a dumb f**k and get married early without understanding what responsibility means, then you have to deal with the consequences that this marriage won't work out. You don't go around and preach LOVE and CHEAT.

Do your wife a favor and DON'T tell her. Just leave. Pay your child care and do whatever you want with life. Trust me, Ellie doesn't love you. One day she will stop her affection like how your wife and you stopped yours.

You think divorce is hard? Well according to you "cheating" is hard too but you DID IT ANYWAYS. If you can control where you stick your Richard then you sure can control how to leave your wife.

This could be a troll post and it still gets to me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

[Guest bona fide*]

Before you type angry posts at me, berate me, whatever, please read on. I'm not trying to hide or deny what I did...I just want to share my feelings and confusion and hear others' output. So please read this with an open mind and know that I take full responsibility of my actions; I am a grown man and I know what I have done.

Then why is it, after two years, you have yet to admit your infidelity? If you're going to proclaim to be a responsible, grown man, then maybe you should start behaving like one. You may be in your late twenties but it's not age that determines your maturity, it's how well you go about handling situations like these and quite frankly, you don't seem "grown" to me at all. The fact that Ellie's feelings is more concerning to you than your own wife's is just... unbelievable.

Your actions have been pretty selfish up until this point so if you really want to prove that you're responsible and grown, fess up to your wife and prepare to deal with the consequences.

[TVBuddy]

Leave your wife. Life is too short to be tied down. Don't be there to pity her and for your kids. At the end of the day, your kids will still call you dad and eventually your wife would get over you, but you're in pain for as long as you have to live with your wife. It's unfair for both Ellie and your wife for you to continue like this. You have to pick one over the other.

*take this piece of advice with caution, for the one who made it has no experience at all.*

[NaughtyDog]

I really wouldn't be too hard on the girl from the sounds of it. She was a teenager. Women, especially young girls, love to feel special and beautiful and irresistable. To have a man go so far as to leave his wife for you, from that perspective it's incredibly romantic. But from considering all the ages he told us, the OP has to be at least 8 or 9 years older than her. He's the adult in this situation. From that, I'd say it's more a case of a man taking advantage of the silliness of a young girl.

I can see why you said what you said, but at 18 I never even had the thought of getting closer romantically with someone who was already married. If she's doing this because she wants that special feeling, then I have an even less opinion of that girl.

Consciously professing her feelings to a married man is downright dirty, no matter how strong her feelings were.

[~ BunnyliciouS ~]

"My heart literally stopped when I saw her"

I was wondering... did you have that same or similar kind of feeling when you met your wife when she was 18 year old?

One morning, I woke up and it was gone. She was no longer beautiful to me...terrible, isn't it?

You said you didn't love her anymore because she's not attractive anymore? I guess because she's old, and not look good anymore because she's unable to take care of herself as much as she used to because she's too occupied with taking care of your kids. Also I guess because you two have been together for too long, and because of the kids, now you missed the fire and excitement when you two just started dating?

Then, you met this Ellie girl, you felt in love again. Coincidentally, she is about the same age as your wife the first time you met her . She is young, firm, fresh, attractive and I repeat, about the same age as your wife the first time you met her. She makes you feel good and your life exciting again.

What's the point of being with this Ellie girl , there's no happy ending.

You will hurt your wife and kids, you have to pay for expensive child support.

And how do you know if you leave your wife and be with this Ellie girl, you won't repeat the same thing in a few years, one day you wake up and suddenly you think Ellie is unattractive anymore?