Girl hurting me everyday by leading me on

[Guest manun]

Been going on for 7 months now

Hi everyone, there is a girl in my class that I like but she keeps leading me on which hurts my heart everyday.

We started to hang out and date eachother beginning of the semester and call eachother everyday, but after a while she would stop calling me and messaging me.

We would still hang out in school and be with eachother, but that also became less frequent (sometimes we dont even say hi) and today I saw her with a classmate of mine with another guy that I dont know. I know it could be anyone but I didnt see her at class and then I saw her outside the class with this guy and my other classmate (she doesnt skip classes so I know it had to be something important with this guy).

The thing is that I have done so many things for her, listened to her problems and trying to help her (family and school), encouraging her, helping her with her exam studying, I gave her home-made gifts for christmas and new year that I made (took me 6 hours which I told her) and I even took class notes for her this whole week (which was ~400 pages).

For all this time she has yet to do anything for me, she didnt even give me a christmas gift and ignores my calls and messages (but when we are at school she will still talk to me).

The saddest thing is that I gave her a camera as birthday gift and she knows that I like her because I have told her that.

Now Im sad, heartbroken everyday because I see her and because I really like her. She will try to interact with me but then she ignores me and last weeek she sent me a message saying: Wish you a great holiday my friend.

I thought we were more than friends but I guess we werent.

So what should I do? She has alot of problems and I want to help her but when I do that I keep hurting myself...

Im a considerate guy, decent looking, good manners and a medical student, I keep thinking I shouldnt waste my time but I still do think about her and end up doing things for her which hurts me in the end.

Why should I feel like I do? Thinking about her everyday and letting her put her problems on me.

Should I continue doing things for her? Cause im a really nice guy and I cant really see other with problems and not care about it. I was raised to care for others and not really being ego, so even thought it hurts my heart I would still do things if it makes other ppl happy.

[Guest cuppycake]

Tell her that you like her.

It'll make or break any friendship, and in this case that's what it looks like you need. She'll either tell you she likes you too, at which point you can start dating. Or she'll say she only sees you as a friend. If she tells you she only sees you as a friend, take some time away from her to get over her. Once you've moved on and can look at her only as a friend, try and be friends again.

I know you want to be there for her, but its not fair to you. If she says she only wants to be friends, explain to her that you need some time to get over her before you two can truly be friends. I'm sure she'll understand.

[MiDnite89]

She already know he likes her. She's using him, plain and simple.

OP you come off kind of whiny, you say you "do all these things" but you're doing them for selfish reasons. You're doing it simply to overcompensate, because you don't think who you are is enough. And that by doing all these extra things for her, she'll "see the light" and and realize that you two are perfect for each other etc. Sorry, but that will never happen. She will NEVER see you in that light, quite simply because you're boring and too predictable.

It's time to do damage control..you probably have to cut contact, either completely or at least a lot. Start doing your own thing, have a life outside of hers, if she asks you to do something, don't be afraid to say 'no'. When it comes to girls, it should be a 1:1 ratio, don't do anything for her that she wouldn't do for you back. Start talking with other girls, don't make her a priority over any other girls. Focus on yourself, take up a hobby..I'd suggest lifting. Girls love guys with hobbies, something that makes the guy stands out..something that he's passionate about and can talk about. Gain some life experiences, and realize there's a world outside of her. There's 3billion girls in the world man, I guarantee you that one isn't that great - especially with how she's treating you.

I've realized when it comes to girls, it doesn't matter what you say, it's how you say it, and most importantly..who you are. Most girls, upon meeting you, will have an idea of what kind of person you are. And from there on, you are forever set in that "frame of mind set", and only able to inch little by little from it. For example, me, I'm an (overly sexual) jerk. I present myself to girls as a jerk I set the bar rather low when it comes to expectations so I get away with pretty much anything. I burp unapologetically, I tell them their richard simmons would look great in my mouth, I tell them they belong in the kitchen etc etc, though all of it has the girl laughing hysterically - that's another one..humour's big when it comes to girls.

Also I'm arrogant as hell. Years of girls inflating my head telling me how good-looking/intelligent I am have made me egotistical and quite narcissist. Upon meeting a girl, or going out with a girl, I'm not suffocated by thoughts like "Will she like me? When do I kiss her? How do I plan the perfect date?" cause I'm not worried about whether I'm good enough for the girl or not lol, I'm more worried about whether she's good enough for me - whether she'll be able to stimulate me intellectually and sexually. 

However, this WORKS for me because of WHO I AM. It will not work for you, especially with the girls who already know you as a nice guy. If you ERR from your "nice ways", you will come off as creepy, which is the worst thing when it comes to girls. Me on the other hand, while slightly jerkish, come off as charming and funny.

I witnessed this first hand when I was messing around with my friend's msn account. I would message the girl, and talk to them like I would with any girl, but that method didn't work at all, because the girl thought I was my friend, and she has a certain view point of my friend, being the "nice guy" and all. And I came off as creepy, or w/e cause I was acting strange and that's "not who I was" (cause she thought i was my friend). Fast-forward couple weeks later I met this girl in person, she was being rather mean to my friend for his "advances" towards her on MSN, and I told her the truth, that it wasn't him, but it was me. (She's never seen/met me before) and then she started flirting with me. 

Just remember, girls like MEN, not wusses. Picture actors in movies that emulate the embodiment of a MEN. When I think of MEN, I think of Brad Pitt in Troy, I think of Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry, or Sean Connery as James Bond. Watch how they interact with girls, they do whatever the hell they want and the girls think it's sexy as hell. Think they were ever worried about whether some broad was interested in them or not? Hell no, they got more important stuff to worry about than that. Though admittedly, getting shot at repeatedly would help you focus more on whats at hand -- like staying alive -- than whether you said the right thing to some broad last Monday.

cliffs: 

-OP kind of whiny, typical "nice guy mentality

-girl using the guy for his intellect/willingness to help her cause she knows he likes her

-OP needs to forget about girl, and start "bettering" himself

-girls don't like pussies, they already have one of their own

-anecdote from yours truly

[Guest Javus]

If you don't like being lead on then stop following her. Just because you do all these nice things for her doesn't mean she is obligated to like you. You could be the most awesome guy in the world, but that doesn't mean that she will like you.

Since its obvious she doesn't like you move on and learn from this experience.

[Guest cuppycake]

^ I agree.

You definately should man up and move on. Ignore my previous comment, I missed the part the you've told her how you feel. You should definately get a hobby like MiDnite said -- it is definately more attractive to girls. Also have more confidence and stop squirreling around her like she the center of your world. Girls don't like super clingy guys. Flirt with other girls, get a hobby and in a few months, she might be the one coming to you for attention (note: I'm not suggesting that you should do all this to make her come to you, just saying it might be an outcome on your road to moving on. She clearly doesn't deserve you.)

[Guest manun]

Thank you cuppycake, MiDnite89 and Javus for your honest and sincere answer. I think all of you are correct and that my mindset is totally set wrong on this girl. For almost a year I have liked her and after everything Ive done she still treats me like Im nothing. The thing is that she also have alot of problems (school, bad relationship with family etc etc) which I can understand, but she never explains herself to me and keeps making me feel bad.

^ I agree.

You definately should man up and move on. Ignore my previous comment, I missed the part the you've told her how you feel. You should definately get a hobby like MiDnite said -- it is definately more attractive to girls. Also have more confidence and stop squirreling around her like she the center of your world. Girls don't like super clingy guys. Flirt with other girls, get a hobby and in a few months, she might be the one coming to you for attention (note: I'm not suggesting that you should do all this to make her come to you, just saying it might be an outcome on your road to moving on. She clearly doesn't deserve you.)

Its true, ive been treating her like shes everything in my world and it has made me weak in my soul/heart.

I work in a mental hospital and I see all these girls that are getting treated bad by their men and how they get depressed. I have heard stories of girls being used sexually, being cheated on etc etc.

All the time I keep thinking these girls became like this because of their men so how can I allow myself as a person let myself down by hurting myself when someone else in this world could feel alot better because of me.

One of the patients even said after I told her about my problems:

"Im sure any girl would love to have you, this one doesnt know what she is missing."

But Im still weak; how can any man stop caring for someone they know are in need of help?

I keep thinking that Im doing this for her because I want her best and that I should be a great friend but I fail all the time because the more I time I spend with her I keep falling harder for her.

[Guest cuppycake]

Well she clearly doesn't have any problem talking to other people, so I'm sure that if she really needed someone else to talk to, she could bother them for their ear. So don't feel bad saying no to her. She doesn't sound like someone that doesn't have any friends other than you.

You'll be much happier improving yourself without her.

[Guest manun]

Well she clearly doesn't have any problem talking to other people, so I'm sure that if she really needed someone else to talk to, she could bother them for their ear. So don't feel bad saying no to her. She doesn't sound like someone that doesn't have any friends other than you.

You'll be much happier improving yourself without her.

Her family left her to take of herself so she doesnt have that many people to rely on. So she is pretty lonely.

But i understand what your saying , a person cannot sacrifice themself to someone else if the person they are doing it for doesnt seem to care.

To be honest, I am much happier when Im not around her because I cant act more normal and not think about her personality.

[Guest odddodo]

OP, I cannot tell if you're real or trolling, but you are a classic case of the "Nice Guy."

1. Read this: http://www.heartless-b itches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml (remove the space in "b itches" because soompi censors it): To moderators: I apologize about the censor bypass, but the context demands that I use this word. Please don't ban me

It applies almost completely to you, right down to the "buying her gifts to win her affection" and "I want to help her out because she's so troubled and no one else can help her" mentality.

2. Do some self-reflection

3. Become someone you like being instead of basing your happiness on another person.

[Guest Want2LoveU]

Take back the camera and rip the notes in front of her face. Ask her how it feels.

[MissPriss]

Honestly she sees you as more of a friend, and she also thought this idea the whole time.

So you may want to exsplain the care you used to have for her. Because I am sure she sensed that you were into a her but did'nt know how to exsplain it to you and that she did'nt feel the same way.

And sorry to tell you, its time to find another girl that will like you and treat you right. and a girl that will tell you how she feels honestly  to you.

Theres' no need to put yourself through an emotional rollercoaster when shes not even really thinking about your feelings?

[Guest The-Entity]

I work in a mental hospital and I see all these girls that are getting treated bad by their men and how they get depressed. I have heard stories of girls being used sexually, being cheated on etc etc.

All the time I keep thinking these girls became like this because of their men so how can I allow myself as a person let myself down by hurting myself when someone else in this world could feel alot better because of me.

One of the patients even said after I told her about my problems:

"Im sure any girl would love to have you, this one doesnt know what she is missing."

But Im still weak; how can any man stop caring for someone they know are in need of help?

I keep thinking that Im doing this for her because I want her best and that I should be a great friend but I fail all the time because the more I time I spend with her I keep falling harder for her.

I was going to say something about how girls don't like wusses, but that guy (I assume) said it already. 

Now, this is what I have to say: If you wanna get the girl, sometimes you gotta play the games. 

Now listen carefully. It's a very complicated game, and sometimes being even slightly off will be harmful to your relationship.

STOP GIVING HER ATTENTION.

By giving her so much attention, you appear desperate. Girls like a challenge. Why? Because if it takes a few days for you to completely devote your life to her, it makes her feel like she isn't worth it. Funny, huh? She wants a struggle. She wants to feel like she won over the cold-hearted guy. Just like in fan-fics, kind of. I mean, some girls are totally cool with getting guys easily... but this girl doesn't seem like that, or you'd probably be dating already.

HOWEVER... you have to be careful not to appear like you're playing the hot-and-cold game. Even though you are. Because once the girl realizes you're playing the game, then she'll know you're trying to get at her... and once she catches on, she won't be interested. Complicated, eh? It's kind of like hunting. You can't let her know you're after her, because once she gets it, she'll hightail her richard simmons out of there. And like that guy said up there, you might even come off as creepy.

The game, what you want to do is make her feel happy when you pay attention to her. Showering her with tons of affection every day, calling texting e-mailing will probably make you look desperate. Cut all of that off for a while, even one text will make her happy.

Sorry girls, if this is inaccurate... but this is just from personal experience. Maybe the girls around me are different.

Back to the OP... of course, the most simple explanation is that she just doesn't like you that way, and you've just been misinterpreting everything. d: But good luck, man.

[Guest AngelAngel]

Boy, she's just not that into you. It's clear you like her and she's distancing away from you, that sounds like she's not interested to me. Maybe you're not telling the story right but I don't see how it is leading you on...it sounds really one sided right now, not like she asked for you to spend a lot of time on Christmas presents or a camera.

Anyways maybe she just doesn't need your help, or any help. Since you work with troubled women maybe you're a bit oversensitive...

[Guest iknowyouwantme]

straight to the point -- CUT IT OUT ALREADY

if she's moving on then you need to move on too. theres no point in dwelling! just look at whats been happening to you!!! 

you help her --> your heart breaks --> not gonna get anywhere

"theres others out there for you", "plenty of fishes in the sea" sound familiar? well, they're used for a pretty obvious reason and you should follow it

im not trying to be mean or anything but for this situation, i believe some force is needed or you wont understand 

ALSO : 

consider this a lesson to learn from. the next time you like a girl, dont assume things until you've actually asked that girl out and etc. 

dont be stupid about crushes, you never know how it will end up so dont push yourself too far

still be yourself though, but just dont go overboard! like buying that camera and doing all those homemade things <-- save those when you are actually, officially together because, trust me, it will melt most girl's heart

[Guest dumas]

She already know he likes her. She's using him, plain and simple.

OP you come off kind of whiny, you say you "do all these things" but you're doing them for selfish reasons. You're doing it simply to overcompensate, because you don't think who you are is enough. And that by doing all these extra things for her, she'll "see the light" and and realize that you two are perfect for each other etc. Sorry, but that will never happen. She will NEVER see you in that light, quite simply because you're boring and too predictable.

It's time to do damage control..you probably have to cut contact, either completely or at least a lot. Start doing your own thing, have a life outside of hers, if she asks you to do something, don't be afraid to say 'no'. When it comes to girls, it should be a 1:1 ratio, don't do anything for her that she wouldn't do for you back. Start talking with other girls, don't make her a priority over any other girls. Focus on yourself, take up a hobby..I'd suggest lifting. Girls love guys with hobbies, something that makes the guy stands out..something that he's passionate about and can talk about. Gain some life experiences, and realize there's a world outside of her. There's 3billion girls in the world man, I guarantee you that one isn't that great - especially with how she's treating you.

I've realized when it comes to girls, it doesn't matter what you say, it's how you say it, and most importantly..who you are. Most girls, upon meeting you, will have an idea of what kind of person you are. And from there on, you are forever set in that "frame of mind set", and only able to inch little by little from it. For example, me, I'm an (overly sexual) jerk. I present myself to girls as a jerk I set the bar rather low when it comes to expectations so I get away with pretty much anything. I burp unapologetically, I tell them their richard simmons would look great in my mouth, I tell them they belong in the kitchen etc etc, though all of it has the girl laughing hysterically - that's another one..humour's big when it comes to girls.

Also I'm arrogant as hell. Years of girls inflating my head telling me how good-looking/intelligent I am have made me egotistical and quite narcissist. Upon meeting a girl, or going out with a girl, I'm not suffocated by thoughts like "Will she like me? When do I kiss her? How do I plan the perfect date?" cause I'm not worried about whether I'm good enough for the girl or not lol, I'm more worried about whether she's good enough for me - whether she'll be able to stimulate me intellectually and sexually. 

However, this WORKS for me because of WHO I AM. It will not work for you, especially with the girls who already know you as a nice guy. If you ERR from your "nice ways", you will come off as creepy, which is the worst thing when it comes to girls. Me on the other hand, while slightly jerkish, come off as charming and funny.

I witnessed this first hand when I was messing around with my friend's msn account. I would message the girl, and talk to them like I would with any girl, but that method didn't work at all, because the girl thought I was my friend, and she has a certain view point of my friend, being the "nice guy" and all. And I came off as creepy, or w/e cause I was acting strange and that's "not who I was" (cause she thought i was my friend). Fast-forward couple weeks later I met this girl in person, she was being rather mean to my friend for his "advances" towards her on MSN, and I told her the truth, that it wasn't him, but it was me. (She's never seen/met me before) and then she started flirting with me. 

Just remember, girls like MEN, not wusses. Picture actors in movies that emulate the embodiment of a MEN. When I think of MEN, I think of Brad Pitt in Troy, I think of Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry, or Sean Connery as James Bond. Watch how they interact with girls, they do whatever the hell they want and the girls think it's sexy as hell. Think they were ever worried about whether some broad was interested in them or not? Hell no, they got more important stuff to worry about than that. Though admittedly, getting shot at repeatedly would help you focus more on whats at hand -- like staying alive -- than whether you said the right thing to some broad last Monday.

cliffs: 

-OP kind of whiny, typical "nice guy mentality

-girl using the guy for his intellect/willingness to help her cause she knows he likes her

-OP needs to forget about girl, and start "bettering" himself

-girls don't like pussies, they already have one of their own

-anecdote from yours truly

are you jsbachery?

[Guest 한스 ㅋㅋ]

look at the bright side, you learned something from this scenario.

now plz, don't be sad when you see her, just shrug it off and in your mind say "FK U!!!"

no i'm being serious.

think about it, you've done mini cooperloads, if you do all those to me, I'd be gay for you already.

but look at her, she's treating you like mini cooper!?!?!

how. how can a man accept being treated like a mini cooper, and wait, thats not all, you still feel "hurt"????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

plz stop hurting, it makes no sense.

now, I understand, why you are hurting, but PLZ, nxt time you see her, TRY NOT TO FEEL SAD.

ur hurting coz of your own fault anyway. 

why the hell are you doing these things for her anyway?

I'm more worried about whether she's good enough for me

PRO.

if I have to take one thing from what this dude said, it's gotta be this.

of course, it takes time to adopt that mindset, it took me some time as well.

[Guest sumoberrylu]

its not that she's leading you on. its that you let her lead you on.

did she know you guys "dated beginning of the semester"? or did you assume it because you guys call/hangout alot? As in, did both of you acknowledge that you guys went on dates and not just hangouts? I'm asking because I find it weird that a girl would call you "friend" without even "breaking up" in the first place.

[mintcracker]

You need to distance yourself from her. Like really. If she continues to do the same crap. Tell her no one likes a richard simmons tease.

lol. Seriously. Tell her her behaviour is getting old and that you're pretty sick of it.

[Guest ZeroX3]

shes playing you man,suprised it took u this long to figure it out... i wouldnt even consider her a good friend if shes been taking all this from you(despite knowing your feelings). I mean she should atleast feel bad about it, do something special for you or just not accept the gifts at all. You can still hang out with her, but keep it at a "just hanging out" level dont do anything extra for her other than that. Sorry to say, but youve been played like a flute. I know it sucks, but learn from your mistakes and dont ever let yourself be used by her anymore.

For all this time she has yet to do anything for me, she didnt even give me a christmas gift and ignores my calls and messages (but when we are at school she will still talk to me).

The saddest thing is that I gave her a camera as birthday gift and she knows that I like her because I have told her that.

Should I continue doing things for her? Cause im a really nice guy and I cant really see other with problems and not care about it. I was raised to care for others and not really being ego, so even thought it hurts my heart I would still do things if it makes other ppl happy.

Dude, im not trying to put u down or anything but let me put down what i honestly think from this quote.

you have given her gifts, helped her with school and her life problems, prob done countless other things for her too. But she has done NOTHING for you? DUDE WAKE UP, THIS PERSON CANT EVEN BE CONSIDERED A FRIEND. it saddens me to see somebody being used to this extent, it actually gets me steamed like a bun.

lol. Seriously. Tell her her behaviour is getting old and that you're pretty sick of it.

Hes got nothing to say to her, hes allowing himself to be the sucker for this "gold digger". Really i can spot a woman like this from a mile away.

[Guest BukAlan]

this is how i view life.

if a girl doesn't like me, that's okay.  i can't force her to like me.

you just have to realize that not everyone you're into will reciprocate.  you need to suck it up and move on.  take what you've learned from this experience so you wont get hurt in the future.   that's why if i'm interested in a girl, i don't play the "maybe if i hang out with her a lot she might like me" game.

i tell a girl she's cute and ask her if she wants to do something together. 

if she says no, then that's okay.  i didn't waste my time trying to pursue something that would've ended up nowhere.  plus i don't go thru heartbreak.