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Aziraphale

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i am seriously disgusted by you and your acts.

i seriously wanted to say john tesh off, mind your own business, i dont know who you are and just.. john tesh off.

i really wanted to. but being the cool me and being the ~innocent~ one i didnt.

but really, i am losing patience. and that, buddy, ain't good. you wouldn't wanna richard simmons me off.

so i hope you'll stay away from me and shut the john tesh up.

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4 months of silence, of nothing, not a word, not anything and yet here you are again. Why do you do this to me? I get over you, I move on, I become okay again and then you come running back in when I least expected. You're talking to me to make amends, because you're leaving soon and we'll never see each other again. Is that the reason? What a stupid reason, it makes me feel useless and thats the only reason why you're talking again.

I actually grew to forget you, even though I knew you were still there I forgot everything and imagined you to be another person and no one else and for once it had actually worked. But then you came back to remind me that I'm not really over it, and that I still like you just as I had for half a year.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU.

... ihateyousomuch

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I am so glad that we became friends. Whenever I hear your stories I start to fall in love with love all over again. You really do meet some wonderfully charming men. How do you do it haha?! I haven't been very active in the dating scene lately and just go with the flow most of the time. I'm going to put more effort into it now.

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So little time, yet the gap between me and you seem to grow closer. There are times that I wish that you would see me more than just a friend, but on another time, I'd prefer you to see me as a friend and nothing more. Things are so complicated. No wait, life is so complicated.

Your smile seem so bright whenever we talk, but why does it seem so lonely when you're somewhere else?

Even though I'm always happy on the outside, you could clearly see that I'm trying to put up a show for everyone else. That's why I like how you're so protective over me and my feelings. But I think that I speak for everyone if I say that I'm a third wheel in the picture. I never belonged here in the first place between the two of you.

So..today is where my chapter ends. It seem that I have to find a new road in order to reach my journey. It's a sad situation. But, before I decide to never look back, I wonder...if you have liked me...would you have held on to me and whispered into my ears that you need me?

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RIP 婆婆...

i guess you never had the chance to teach me mahjong after all...

i know why you left the day you did... the 師父 predicted the time interval correctly, though he did not know the reason

but i know. it's to meet 阿公 isn't it? only 15 years later... to reunite.

i wish you eternal happiness, if a heaven or underworld truly exists.

婆婆我愛你

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...

You LIED to me. Something YOU detest more than anything. How the hell are you going to tell me that and yet you STILL lie about something as small as this? I should have listened to my bff when she first told me about it, but NO. I had to be stubborn and give you the benefit of the doubt. You have got to be the biggest hypocrite alive. I even told you, I HATE LIARS MORE THAN ANYTHING.

You've no idea how angry I am. How pissed off I am over this ONE LITTLE issue. Something as little as this. I feel stupid now.. Because I actually believed you. I practically believed every single word you said. I actually trusted you. And to think YOU counted yourself as one of my best friends once before. I honestly don't want anything to do with you.

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Why am I always the one making the effort now? Don't you care at all? Why am I always the first to AIM, the first to talk, the first to wave, the first to do everything? Can't you show me that you want to keep our tangledsadheartwrenchingnormalplainstagnant friendship? Don't you want us to move further? Are these feelings just lingering in me?

Please, answer my questions.

We kind of have one of those relationships where we can go forever without talking, but once we start again it's as if nothings changed. You're one of those few people I can sincerely laugh with and whenever I'm around you, it's like I can't stop smiling. I wouldn't call it a romantic love - I've mistaken my feelings for you as such countless of times.

I don't know why I mistaken those feelings. Usually, I can tell what kind of feelings I have. I'm never wrong. Except for this one time. I suppose it's because you're such a great person to me. I've never smiled more for someone, never felt anything close to this...

But it's not love. This is something I can't explain but it's not love. Maybe it's affection or admiration or appreciation. Maybe it's longing. Sometimes, I wished it was love. My life would be so much more easier.

I'm going to stop. I need to stop. Everytime I see you, something in me gets unhinged and I can't think and I can't keep that control I have. Everyone may think that I'm somewhat attatched to all the guys I'm atrracted to, but they're wrong. I've never been more attracted to someone than you. This isn't anything physical. Something about you draws me in. So I need it to stop. I won't talk. I won't say 'hi'. I won't initiate any conversation. Unless you do so first. I won't speak about you. I won't think about you.

Can I make it?

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what do you see when you look at me?

are you always THAT busy that you can't even take a few minutes to sit next to me, take a walk, whatever, all i'm asking for is a few minutes alone with you..

and now i'm left wondering how long it's gunna take until you dissapear again.

i keep reminding myself what kind of person you are, what kind of things you do, what kind of things you've done, but it doesn't seem to matter when i know it should.

its funny, a side of me knows i should never see you talk to you again for my own good but the other side knows i can't ever let you go. how am i supposed to be friends with you?

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You're a part of my past now, a memory that I feel shouldn't exist within me. I'm moving on and I'll try my best not to look back. I'll only look forward and move forward, even if you happen to be passing by my way. I will not look and acknowledge your presence. Your dead to me. I think I can finally wrap up this chapter of my life and start a new one.

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So we're back on our normal routine.

We won't see each other a lot anymore.

You don't care, but I do.

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