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15 hours ago, CamelKnight said:

@andydz So he's running a business that has no reason to exist other than being your moneypit? If you were a miljonair I'd say go for it, but this doesn't seem to be the case. Perhaps it's about time the old geezer learns about humility and falls flat on his nose when his business fails.

 

3 months? I would've cut off all contact. Apparently you, your husband and your daughter aren't important to them. Let them rot. You don't need them and it's clear they don't need you either.

 

It's not you. Let's get that clear. You've gone above and beyond what a daughter should do for her parents. Their complete lack of thankfullness is disgusting. Their love for money is appalling. If money is this important to them, perhaps they should've spent YOUR money more wisely.

There's no doubt in my mind that you'll never see any of the money you paid them. As your father so bluntly told you: "it's his retirement money" and he's not going to share it with you, let alone keep it safe for you. Let it be an expensive lifelesson and cut that umbilical cord. You've started feeding them through it instead of them feeding you.

 

You got that right @CamelKnight 

Appreciation never existed ... just taken for granted... agree to distant from them cause I don’t want my child to go through the same practice my parents had been brainwashing me about; raising a child (like myself) is an investment and will get returns when old age comes..... 

 

For the time being, I’m actually backing off and pushing them to my brother to have the taste of spoiling my parents.  Since people are living longer my brother will need to support my grandmother (in her early 90s) and my parents (incapable to support themselves) in addition to his wife and two children of his.  

 

I suppose.... the ageing population makes it a burden to the younger generation where the cost of living and working isn’t easier....

 

anyone experiencing the same?

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May I say that I genuinely hope that I am the only person here fighting CoVid?    It's miserable, and I've been struggling since mid-April.  Thought I had it licked but I hit a bad relapse a

Thanks.  Virtual hugs are the best.   Based on my experience in dealing with my own illnesses, I know I'm doing the right stuff.  It's just hard to wait and endure and be patient.

Thanks!  I needed that.    I don't live in a town, so food delivery might be a bit difficult.  The grocery store is only 3 miles away but I've been avoiding going there--I have enough food

45 minutes ago, andydz said:

 

You got that right @CamelKnight 

Appreciation never existed ... just taken for granted... agree to distant from them cause I don’t want my child to go through the same practice my parents had been brainwashing me about; raising a child (like myself) is an investment and will get returns when old age comes..... 

 

For the time being, I’m actually backing off and pushing them to my brother to have the taste of spoiling my parents.  Since people are living longer my brother will need to support my grandmother (in her early 90s) and my parents (incapable to support themselves) in addition to his wife and two children of his.  

 

I suppose.... the ageing population makes it a burden to the younger generation where the cost of living and working isn’t easier....

 

anyone experiencing the same?

Your brother is going to understand you quite quickly. And soon, he too will push them away since he can't be working to support so many people. Not in this day and age with these wages and these prices in stores.

 

To be honest, where I live (Netherlands), the elderly aren't that much of a burden as we've got a fairly okay pensionsystem in place. People pay during their work to build up their own pension. It's not exactly mandatory, but you'll hardly find a business here that doesn't offer a pension of sorts to their employees. 

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6 hours ago, angelangie said:

 

well....i have my mother living with me but i think i'm more fortunate my mom take care of household chores for me....she is a full times housewife....my brothers are all working....and all of us contributed to make the family stay afloat....she might on off ask me to buy stuff for her but still it was within reason and she take note not to be over as she know all about the hike of cost of living.....

 

however i have my grandma living with me now....but she is less appreciative of what we are doing for her....and my uncle is also staying with me but he made up for what she lack....so i guess i have no complain....

 

but i did learn if they are un-appreciative....slowly distant yourself....you do not have to go through the pain of ppl always blaming you....and also like whatever you have done is not enough for them....

 

Thank you @angelangie for your feedback and your share.  You are indeed quite fortunate to have a helping mom.  

 

My my mom is quite spoiled.  According to my father, he promised my mom to live a very Luxurious lifestyle - work free and when he was losing his ability to fulfill, he placed this promise on my shoulders.  

 

On on top of home allowance, I had weekly surprises of gifts for my mom; branded bags, branded clothes, branded top line cosmetic goods, shoes... you name it.. she got it.  She only appreciates ones with the price tag there so it determines the value, making her feel important as I spend my fortune on her.  

 

How was she spoiled? Check this out! Cutting Back on home allowance, made me feel guilty, so I saved enough for a trip To go with them on a five day (air flares, accommendation and meals - all inclusive).  It was a low budget trip and we stayed at a home (AirB&B).  My parents were disgusted.  I ended up sick (fever 41.2 degree for more than 28 hours) as i was stressed to please my parents; well known and best Restro, fun filled activities  in town (so my parents could brag about after the trip to their friends) know all the exact routes from one place to another by heart.  No wifi or printer, just pen and paper to note down all potential places to go to and back ups for any alternatives if Restro closes. My loving parents only found out I was fevering after 20 hours later when I couldn’t get up from bed.  I was sent directly to the hospital. Felt better after the visit.  Later on the trip, Mom crashed the rental car.  As a spoiled wife, had to make her feel better and no finger pointing as she felt terrible within already. From this incident, she scolded me in public (while I was still under medication) ‘Trip of torture’ explaining to me, “never in my life have i been on a trip being under so much pressure to drive.  It is the worst trip ever and don’t you dare invite me to another trip ever again.  I hate this.  I have enough of you!”  I suppose me, paying for the trip, arranging (bad arrangements and not as organized as I thought), being sick, having her crash her car, paying for the wreckage all my fault.  She’s a handful! 

 

How i wish my mom could help me.... there was once when I needed the most help.  I took leave from work to take care of my baby but I had to go to the Physio doctor due to my back pain from an accident.  I asked my mom to look after my baby for two hours only.  She suggested to have the Physio therapist to come to my home instead so I could take care of my own baby.  It is rude and irresponsible to ask for help and leaving my child behind. She quoted, “you should hold the responsibility to take care of your own child and not to rely on others to help you- not even for a single minute!”

therefore, I really admire to see the grandparents, playing with their grand children when I walk in the park.  How they carry them, bring them to the park and eat lunch with them.  My parents had stated clearly that, the only condition for them to be one on one with my child was when I’m around or having a helper there.

 

i believe in what comes around goes around.  My parents believe so too.  They educated me to observe how they treat their own parents so I can treat them the same.  However, in cases as per above, how could I take them seriously or give them respect as my parents? Or for my child’s grandparents? 

 

 

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On 11/8/2017 at 8:45 PM, CamelKnight said:

Your brother is going to understand you quite quickly. And soon, he too will push them away since he can't be working to support so many people. Not in this day and age with these wages and these prices in stores.

 

To be honest, where I live (Netherlands), the elderly aren't that much of a burden as we've got a fairly okay pensionsystem in place. People pay during their work to build up their own pension. It's not exactly mandatory, but you'll hardly find a business here that doesn't offer a pension of sorts to their employees. 

Hi @CamelKnight

In fact my parents in Canada ... also got pension as well.  Should be decent amount for them to enjoy.  Amount should be good enough for food, transport and living. Health is 100% covered. It should be all good, but my father has been dumping money into his hobby by withdrawing, mortgaging his fully paid house. In that case, my brother has been paying off the bank to get the house back.  

 

Sadly, to make it not look that bad... on ma dad’s ego... he educated (or shall I say manipulate) the family that he took mortgage to get me a second hand car worth 22k CAD. I am not too sure, if getting 22k cash consider mortaging property...is really bad money management on my fatger’s behalf.  

 

Weird but u don’t like the concept of loans or mortgage..

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@andydz so your dad is just bad at managing his income and you and your brother are enabling him. I'd seriously cut off all funds until he understands that it's not your job to support his so called hobby.

You've got mouths to feed and, unfortunately for your dad and mom, it's not theirs. Sure, they can come over for dinner some time but it shouldn't go from your work to your bankaccount to your dads pockets.

 

I feel for you :( 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Doing me a favour or my mother a favour?

 

Haven’t spoke with my mother in four months.  She will be returning to where I am in three days.  Asked me over the phone whether she would Like me have her bring back my branded bags which I kept back in my home country.  I told her no thank you... I kept those bags there for a reason and those bags are not suitable for wet and humid weather.  Frowning away, she hung up the phone.  

 

Clueless to why my mother took it grumpily.  

 

Reason? The favour of her initiating to bring the bags back to me was not really full complete attention for my keepsake or for me.  It was meant for my mother.  I suppose the question should be, “I found a few of your bags, I’m taking them back with me so I could use them.” In order to not show being needy and desperate, best to ask in favour me.  How intelligent? How naive do they think of me?

 

There’s history behind this “bag bragging business”

Every trips she makes on her travels ends up with a new branded bag for her to show off to her friends.  (Apologies to all: my fault that I created this expectation for my mom as I had bought her over six new branded bags for the past eight years - ATTENTION - don’t spoil your parents like what I did). 

 

Since I didn’t contribute and pampered her with luxurious goodies for the past year, her supplies of bragging was cut short to the point my mother had to dig out from my closet for her use.  Even though, I said NO... 

 

do you think....

 

 

a) mom will bring back my branded good without my permission anyways

B- ask me to buy her a bag

C - bring back my bag and other branded goods and if I do come across from it... it will be all by mistake and by accident 

 

it’s just unbelievable how my parents continue to take me in as a fool and gullible to believe they would think I want my bags?!?!?

 

lame excuse .. bad terrible planning... easily revealed.... sad sad... 

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not sure if I understand your story  @andydz but here are some thoughts that popped up while reading your posts. you can take it with a pinch of salt as it may or may not apply.

 

it sounds like your family was accustomed to a certain standard of living and now through certain financial complications, it is not easy to maintain that standard of living. however, to save face, your parents expect you and your brother to chip in. you are struggling to do this but you feel guilt that if you don't, you are not a good child. on both sides (you and your brother at one end and your parents on the other), acts of love have a financial ranking. so you feel like you are failing and they don't love you unless you chip in and at the other end, they probably feel that their kids don't love them unless you are all chipping in. perhaps you and your brother also feel obliged to chip in because you want to save face; how your parents live also affects your sense of esteem and value.

 

so maybe a first step in breaking this cycle is accepting that the way you used to live no longer applies. there is a beatles song that goes "cant buy me love" -- so you also need to understand that your love and loyalty to your parents can't be measured in financial terms. so rather than trying to buy their love, take a step back.

 

from observation, people with complicated relationships with their parents and siblings sometimes ruin their own personal life because they are so laser focused on how their parents and siblings feel rather than how their spouse and children feel. this results in unhappy and sometimes broken relationships because the spouse and children feel neglected and unheard. so don't forget that now you have a husband and child. regardless of your emotional equation with your parents or brother, your focus, energy and worry should be first on your own husband and child because they are your family now. good luck!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Why is it so difficult to survive at work? No matter how many lessons I learn , no matter how much I see,  no matter how many times I tell myself that I need to change...  Nothing changes. Lately,  I just feel I AM THE PROBLEM. Everyone else seems to be doing just fine. So it must be just me. Here I go again on my self-pity train. 

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Long story short, this guy who I became attracted to at first sight (and to provide context, this doesn't happen to me on a regular basis) broke up with his girlfriend, started flirting with me, got back together with his girlfriend, and now is keeping his distance from me. I understand the rationale behind him not wanting to talk to me anymore, but I don't know if I should be sad, mad, or what. We had a good time for three months, but it was too short to be satisfying and too long for me to be able to move on anytime soon. Also, it's not like he's a jerk, the problem is he met his girlfriend before he met me.

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4 hours ago, mymediumsizedpony said:

Long story short, this guy who I became attracted to at first sight (and to provide context, this doesn't happen to me on a regular basis) broke up with his girlfriend, started flirting with me, got back together with his girlfriend, and now is keeping his distance from me. I understand the rationale behind him not wanting to talk to me anymore, but I don't know if I should be sad, mad, or what. We had a good time for three months, but it was too short to be satisfying and too long for me to be able to move on anytime soon. Also, it's not like he's a jerk, the problem is he met his girlfriend before he met me.

You were his rebound. He IS a jerk. 

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19 hours ago, mymediumsizedpony said:

Long story short, this guy who I became attracted to at first sight (and to provide context, this doesn't happen to me on a regular basis) broke up with his girlfriend, started flirting with me, got back together with his girlfriend, and now is keeping his distance from me. I understand the rationale behind him not wanting to talk to me anymore, but I don't know if I should be sad, mad, or what. We had a good time for three months, but it was too short to be satisfying and too long for me to be able to move on anytime soon. Also, it's not like he's a jerk, the problem is he met his girlfriend before he met me.

Although he is a jerk for leading you on, without much backstory I can't really say much more. Perhaps his gf broke up with him, he got over it (or so he thought) and she went all out to get him back when she saw him with you. Though he clearly wasn't fully over his ex, perhaps he thought he was.

At least he's not leading you on or keeping you on the side. That would've been a lot worse.

 

5 hours ago, Avaloki said:

I am being bullied at work . I feel horrible. I wish I could punch them in the face and tell them exactly what an INSUFFERABLE person they are and how badly they need counseling on their anti-social behavior

Don't punch. Go to HR. Most large companies have an HR department and they really go nuts for stuff like that. Chances are that you're not the only one getting bullied and they can't take any chances. If this keeps up, you might get sick of working there, which ends up in being physically sick or even a burn out. Which means they have to pay you wages without getting the labor you'd normally put in.

If an HR department is not an option/available, search for another job asap. You don't need that poison in your life.

Good luck!

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@CamelKnight thank you. Yes. Indeed I don't need this kind of poison in my life.  That's why I have put my papers today. I am stupid most would say and some would say I am hasty and some might even say I am weak minded. Yes to all the three. I don't disagree. But this morning when I woke up and read the news of Shinee's Jong Hyun's demise,  and later after I read his suicide note.. I felt shock and a deep sadness. Why?  Because even though I am nowhere near as upset as he was to have taken such a drastic step..  Even though I know my life is not that hard or my troubles that painful..  I felt empathy. Not sympathy but empathy. I felt that yes...  Yes..  I am trying my best too. Why is no one seeing that.  I  am working hard to live too. Why then is it so hard. At that moment..  I knew that I have to do something stupid or this slow painful buildup of hurt will one day grow into one huge ugly monster that I won't be able to face. Before I am sucked in by my own weaknesses..  Let me admit now itself that I cannot handle this anymore and move on.  I admit I have some hope in the future ... Maybe even that's why without a backup plan I have decided to do this.  Maybe I can do great somewhere else.  Maybe I can do something better. Or at the least maybe I can breathe. May his soul rest in peace.  I didn't really listen to their music but somehow even then I feel very sad by this. I can't imagine how someone who can sing to the world..  Who has so much love and fame..  How could someone like that be so unhappy as to do that. How sad he must have been. How long he must have been enduring it all. Alone.  Strong people may call giving up as weakness but that is because they don't know or understand the cause of it in the first place. 

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But the moment was totally nothing like I imagined. My project manager caught up with me during coffee to ask what happened. Why the sudden resignation? Was there anything I was unhappy about? When I had played this scene in my mind....  I was going to let everyone know how a certain someone had made my life at work hell.  I wouldn't do anything crazy but I would let them know how unhappy I had been and how mentally tormented I felt...  But then that time when my manager asked me what's wrong... Even though my heart was shaking..  I involuntarily gave him the brightest smile and said ' no,  it's not like that. There's nothing. I just want to return to my hometown and do something else. ' there I was with the chance to finally tell someone my feelings but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I pretended everything was OK and I just wanted out. Even I don't understand myself sometimes. But I am glad. It's done. 

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@Avaloki ~ having put down papers without a plan in place can be very scary but also happy at same time. others might not understand but it is okay -- regardless of how it turns out, own your decision and you will have no regrets. sometimes it is better to be jobless for a bit and find something else then going to office and getting physically ill from all the stress around you. and don't feel bad about not telling your project manager -- in a way, you wanted to keep face and so you exited the way you needed to quietly. even if he doesn't know exactly why you quit, it is obvious that there was something wrong and he knew enough to ask a question. so that is enough. the rest will work itself out...

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Someone has been taking advantage of How so? Final message to her.....

 

I have spent the last month reflecting upon our time together. I understand that you say you've also taken the time to self reflect, but why did you

1) try to kidnap my dogs from the shelter

2) quit your full time job 

3) stalk me

4) attempt to log in my email account

5)  spread rumours of me

how could i face what you did to me over the past several weeks or shall I say years? 

 

Let me clear up some loose ends here. The lease ends mid January. I do not owe you anything and don’t have the responsibility to pay for your living.  Don’t expect me to pay for your rent “while you date other guys”.  Am I your sugar dad? Did you think you could get away with it when you said that?

 

You have spent the last several years disrespecting, bullying and mentally and financially abusing me.

 

You threatened me with suicide multiple times, beat the dogs when you were disagreed upon, mad or drunk, and even went so far as to plan three weddings  without my consent but had me paid for all of it.  Note that I never agreed to marriage, nor did I ever propose to you. I only knew about our ‘wedding’ when you sent out the ‘save the date’ invites (less than two months before the wedding).  Was it our marriage or several shows tailor-made for  you?

 

My departure in late November was not by choice, but my only option to leave behind my relationship with you. You made the attempt to take my dogs as hostage, stormed into my office for an explanation, screamed 'thief' out in the street to have me pushed down like a criminal and bellowed in the hospital after your arrest in front of three policemen when they pulled you back in from the window ledge.  What does this tell of you? 

 

I know that you have asked your friends to act on your behalf, and have also contacted your friends with your version of the story to track me down.  You have that right, but note that for every friend that you contact, I will also tell them the full story, not just your version.

 

Do not even think about finding out where I am, where the dogs are, or visiting my workplace. I have informed building management and my colleagues to call the police if you are even seen anywhere near these locations. Given your history, I already have enough evidents to apply for a restraining order from you.

 

I hope you seek professional help for yourself, and become a better person in the future.

 

Thoughts anyone? 

Prediction to what she will respond after?

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@Avaloki it's understandable that you didn't tell your manager exactly why you left. It takes an enormous amount of courage to do that, to blame someone for your departure. In a way, it feels like you're not strong enough. That's not true though. It already took a lot of courage to talk about it here, on this forum, and even more to take the step and quit. You ARE strong. Remember that.

Also remember that things will turn out for the better. I quit my job a while ago. It took me a few months, but I'm finally at a place with great colleagues, a cool job and a lot of satisfaction when I end the day. Eventhough I'm making a bit less money than before, I'm very happy I left my old job. It took a while, but I'm "home" now.

 

@andydz that's some serious stuff dude! I'd consider getting a restraining order because this woman is clearly completely bonkers. I hope she stays away, but considering what you've written, I seriously doubt that. Good luck!

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