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Aziraphale

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My heart feels numb. Its a feeling that I'm getting use to, but what good is in that? Is this really a feeling that I should get use to? You hurt me hun...Very much...Yet, I'm not angry, more then anything, I feel so defeated and alone. I've always say I would never allow myself to reach this stage again, but whoever say that one can't control one's feelings is stating something more then inevitable. Its disappointing because no matter how hard I try to fabricate myself into this girl that's okay, at the end of the day, I find myself so helpless and empty with nothing, but tears to wipe away these pains. I wish I was stronger, but I don't regret loving you...quite conflicting isn't it? Am I'm strong because I still love you even after the way you treated me, or am I'm weak because I still do? Whatever the answer is or may be, at the end of the day, you're still the one that I love.....sigh...

P.S.

All I want is to see you happy again...

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i'm not sure what to feel right now, but i know for sure i'm a little proud of myself for doing the right thing, which is to wish you a happy birthday and that's it. but it's only a little because i want to do so much more. i've become accustomed to the lack of your presence in my life these couple months, but i know that you're always welcome to pop up anytime. it's strange because i feel like you're just a fragment of my imagination. i only know about you through things that other people tell me. and that's not even much. i've never been good with explaining things, so i can't really put what i'm feeling right now into words. the only thing i'm sure about is that i miss you. wanna hear what i originally was going to say to you? after revising it a couple times, this is what i ended up with, but still didn't say to you:

dear __, happy birthday! you're finally 18! whoot. i know we don't really talk anymore, but you're still my friend and i'm happy for you because now you can buy porn and go clubbing. :) i'm glad you're going to ____ to session and do what you really love since you can't really do it w/ your crew at school anymore, but i hope you'll take care of yourself and don't hurt your back or get your hair dirty too much. i'm sorry things didn't work out, but i wasn't that great of a gf anyways always smacking you around, talking too much, and being clingy. haha. oh well. thanks for making my year memorable. it was really fun hanging out with you. i feel bad for screwing up your year. sorry. anyways, i know you'll find someone better who'll make you happy. have fun in college drawing naked people and have fun in life, okay? but not too much fun cuz now that you're 18, you gotta be more responsible. D:< i hope you have an incredibly fantastically super duperly happy birthday and enjoy your [nonexistent] present! -jacinda

p.s. i still think ryan's cute...even tho it makes me a pedophile.

it all sounds so stupid, especially because there's so many different emotions i ended up putting in there. thank goodness i didn't send you that. anyways, i basically want to wish you a very happy birthday. even though i do have a small grudge against you, you deserve that much at the least.

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at first i didnt really care. you guys said he was cold, robotic, totally indifferent towards anything else. it's true, that got me interested...because he seemed just like me. it was funny before but now, its getting on my nerves. just because i dont have an opinion to what people say, doesnt mean i dont care. i hate it how you guys call me ice queen. sometimes when i want to break the ice, you guys just dont let me. what am i supposed to do then? just blame everything on me, always think im the one at fault. but have you guys actually stopped and thought, that y'all arent giving me a chance? i know i sometimes can come off as emotionless and icy but im trying to change that. just give me a chance. sighh.. oh and dont compare me to him.. i've never done the things he's done. he is just plain heartless ok? eventhough you guys most probably wont read this, i still want to write this, because i cant hold it in anymore. maybe someone will actually try to understand.

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aww, i suddenly miss you guys after i dreamt that you guys visited us again this year, and you stayed longer than last year.. i wish i was able to hang with everyone more if only i didn't have school at that time.. T_T

i'll try to visit soon after i graduate.. ^^

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I hate you. I really do. I don't even hate her because she never said she wouldn't.

I feel so hurt and betrayed because of you. You're the first person I've ever developed so much hate for. I was nothing to you, but you were something to me.

I wish I never met you. I fcuking hate you.

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My heart is breaking into pieces.

You're hurting her, me and everyone else out there who loves you.

Please don't give up hope because of whats been happening.

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i'm acting like such a little high school girl in love. stupid you. it makes me happy that i didn't have to wait too long last night. but then you just had to disappear. what is with that. it makes me wonder if i'm insane when you just leave like that and i spend like 10 minutes looking for you. and then hours waiting for you to come back which you never do. its bad enough that you said it again. that i'm wasting your time. you're the one that talked to me first. it makes me really angry that noone can keep a promise. and that everyone just keeps going. and everyone keeps me waiting. why do i have to be the one who always does the waiting? why am i the only one who does what i say? while everyone else thinks they can break their promises and leave me anywhere, whenever they want.stop leaving me. i really love you.

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So I told you how I felt about you...and honestly I regret doing so. You seemed surprised when I told you that I liked you...but why? I thought you knew my feelings about you. All the conversations that we had, our walk together..infact I thought you liked me too. Was I too blind to see that all those actions were only meant as a friend and nothing more? I feel like I just killed our friendship with that confession. You reassure me that nothing is going to change. But how can you be so sure? I really don't want to lose you as a friend. So I will try to push back my feelings for you...but I can't if you keep acting like you like me. You're making me head hurt. My heart hurt. Why are you like this? And the fact that I have to face you everyday in piano class scares me now. I don't know what do anymore.

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The distant memories we created that seems forever ago... do you think of them as often as I do?

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lately, i feel like i'm letting people down.

like yesterday, i couldn't go with my friend to shop, and today after church i was too tired to go to acf.

some of the younger sisters looked angry at me because i should have provided rides and i wasn't there to play with them. and then today i was supposed to go to a friend's birthday party, but i missed it. i went home to take a nap and that nap lasted 4 hours. i feel really bad about these things.

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