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2 hours ago, CamelKnight said:

@andydz Girl, cut that cord. NOW.

 

Your parents are living off of you. It seems your dad, sorry to say, is a lazy bum and your mom is neglecting her duties as a parent. Both are, actually. Actually, I'm not sorry. He's a lazy bum and should be working himself to support his family. They did NOT put you on this world to provide for them. 

Sure, you can help out financially, but the amount of cash you've already given them is enough to support an entire household without extra income. If they're struggling, it's their problem. Not yours. Not anymore.
If your brother sides with them, cut ties with him too. You don't need these people in your life. You have a husband and a kid to care for, that's more than enough.

 

For parents who are telling you you're too focused on money, they are extremely focused on money themselves. They keep wanting more cash while you've got other bills to pay. No more. Cut those diseases out of your life. You don't need them and apparently, they only need you for your money. They don't even care enough to visit their own grandchild, YOUR CHILD.

 

Gosh this makes me mad. :angry:

Thank you @CamelKnight for your feedback. Much appreciated.  Actually my dad is working at the moment in his late 60s.  He made a bad choice in investing his cash (or my cash) into some business.  It is kinda worse than gambling.  This business is going downhill and losing money from start but it is what he is comfortable with and find himself useful so he continued it.  I refer it as a very expensive hobby to keep my prideful dad busy and useful.  He would pity himself to be still working in his late 60s and not retiring.  

 

That’s correct, after I stopped paying my parents allowance, they never paid a visit to see their grand child.  It took them three months (from the day I was scolded for not paying for mom’s surgery) to pay a visit to see their grandchild.  

 

I am really confused, not sure what’s wrong and can’t imagine the power of money could be so strong to even buy time and attention to care for love ones like grandchildren.... 

 

it might be me.. spoiling them from start..

 

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@andydz So he's running a business that has no reason to exist other than being your moneypit? If you were a miljonair I'd say go for it, but this doesn't seem to be the case. Perhaps it's about time the old geezer learns about humility and falls flat on his nose when his business fails.

 

3 months? I would've cut off all contact. Apparently you, your husband and your daughter aren't important to them. Let them rot. You don't need them and it's clear they don't need you either.

 

It's not you. Let's get that clear. You've gone above and beyond what a daughter should do for her parents. Their complete lack of thankfullness is disgusting. Their love for money is appalling. If money is this important to them, perhaps they should've spent YOUR money more wisely.

There's no doubt in my mind that you'll never see any of the money you paid them. As your father so bluntly told you: "it's his retirement money" and he's not going to share it with you, let alone keep it safe for you. Let it be an expensive lifelesson and cut that umbilical cord. You've started feeding them through it instead of them feeding you.

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15 hours ago, CamelKnight said:

@andydz So he's running a business that has no reason to exist other than being your moneypit? If you were a miljonair I'd say go for it, but this doesn't seem to be the case. Perhaps it's about time the old geezer learns about humility and falls flat on his nose when his business fails.

 

3 months? I would've cut off all contact. Apparently you, your husband and your daughter aren't important to them. Let them rot. You don't need them and it's clear they don't need you either.

 

It's not you. Let's get that clear. You've gone above and beyond what a daughter should do for her parents. Their complete lack of thankfullness is disgusting. Their love for money is appalling. If money is this important to them, perhaps they should've spent YOUR money more wisely.

There's no doubt in my mind that you'll never see any of the money you paid them. As your father so bluntly told you: "it's his retirement money" and he's not going to share it with you, let alone keep it safe for you. Let it be an expensive lifelesson and cut that umbilical cord. You've started feeding them through it instead of them feeding you.

 

You got that right @CamelKnight 

Appreciation never existed ... just taken for granted... agree to distant from them cause I don’t want my child to go through the same practice my parents had been brainwashing me about; raising a child (like myself) is an investment and will get returns when old age comes..... 

 

For the time being, I’m actually backing off and pushing them to my brother to have the taste of spoiling my parents.  Since people are living longer my brother will need to support my grandmother (in her early 90s) and my parents (incapable to support themselves) in addition to his wife and two children of his.  

 

I suppose.... the ageing population makes it a burden to the younger generation where the cost of living and working isn’t easier....

 

anyone experiencing the same?

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45 minutes ago, andydz said:

 

You got that right @CamelKnight 

Appreciation never existed ... just taken for granted... agree to distant from them cause I don’t want my child to go through the same practice my parents had been brainwashing me about; raising a child (like myself) is an investment and will get returns when old age comes..... 

 

For the time being, I’m actually backing off and pushing them to my brother to have the taste of spoiling my parents.  Since people are living longer my brother will need to support my grandmother (in her early 90s) and my parents (incapable to support themselves) in addition to his wife and two children of his.  

 

I suppose.... the ageing population makes it a burden to the younger generation where the cost of living and working isn’t easier....

 

anyone experiencing the same?

Your brother is going to understand you quite quickly. And soon, he too will push them away since he can't be working to support so many people. Not in this day and age with these wages and these prices in stores.

 

To be honest, where I live (Netherlands), the elderly aren't that much of a burden as we've got a fairly okay pensionsystem in place. People pay during their work to build up their own pension. It's not exactly mandatory, but you'll hardly find a business here that doesn't offer a pension of sorts to their employees. 

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On 11/8/2017 at 7:56 PM, andydz said:

 

You got that right @CamelKnight 

Appreciation never existed ... just taken for granted... agree to distant from them cause I don’t want my child to go through the same practice my parents had been brainwashing me about; raising a child (like myself) is an investment and will get returns when old age comes..... 

 

For the time being, I’m actually backing off and pushing them to my brother to have the taste of spoiling my parents.  Since people are living longer my brother will need to support my grandmother (in her early 90s) and my parents (incapable to support themselves) in addition to his wife and two children of his.  

 

I suppose.... the ageing population makes it a burden to the younger generation where the cost of living and working isn’t easier....

 

anyone experiencing the same?

 

well....i have my mother living with me but i think i'm more fortunate my mom take care of household chores for me....she is a full times housewife....my brothers are all working....and all of us contributed to make the family stay afloat....she might on off ask me to buy stuff for her but still it was within reason and she take note not to be over as she know all about the hike of cost of living.....

 

however i have my grandma living with me now....but she is less appreciative of what we are doing for her....and my uncle is also staying with me but he made up for what she lack....so i guess i have no complain....

 

but i did learn if they are un-appreciative....slowly distant yourself....you do not have to go through the pain of ppl always blaming you....and also like whatever you have done is not enough for them....

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6 hours ago, angelangie said:

 

well....i have my mother living with me but i think i'm more fortunate my mom take care of household chores for me....she is a full times housewife....my brothers are all working....and all of us contributed to make the family stay afloat....she might on off ask me to buy stuff for her but still it was within reason and she take note not to be over as she know all about the hike of cost of living.....

 

however i have my grandma living with me now....but she is less appreciative of what we are doing for her....and my uncle is also staying with me but he made up for what she lack....so i guess i have no complain....

 

but i did learn if they are un-appreciative....slowly distant yourself....you do not have to go through the pain of ppl always blaming you....and also like whatever you have done is not enough for them....

 

Thank you @angelangie for your feedback and your share.  You are indeed quite fortunate to have a helping mom.  

 

My my mom is quite spoiled.  According to my father, he promised my mom to live a very Luxurious lifestyle - work free and when he was losing his ability to fulfill, he placed this promise on my shoulders.  

 

On on top of home allowance, I had weekly surprises of gifts for my mom; branded bags, branded clothes, branded top line cosmetic goods, shoes... you name it.. she got it.  She only appreciates ones with the price tag there so it determines the value, making her feel important as I spend my fortune on her.  

 

How was she spoiled? Check this out! Cutting Back on home allowance, made me feel guilty, so I saved enough for a trip To go with them on a five day (air flares, accommendation and meals - all inclusive).  It was a low budget trip and we stayed at a home (AirB&B).  My parents were disgusted.  I ended up sick (fever 41.2 degree for more than 28 hours) as i was stressed to please my parents; well known and best Restro, fun filled activities  in town (so my parents could brag about after the trip to their friends) know all the exact routes from one place to another by heart.  No wifi or printer, just pen and paper to note down all potential places to go to and back ups for any alternatives if Restro closes. My loving parents only found out I was fevering after 20 hours later when I couldn’t get up from bed.  I was sent directly to the hospital. Felt better after the visit.  Later on the trip, Mom crashed the rental car.  As a spoiled wife, had to make her feel better and no finger pointing as she felt terrible within already. From this incident, she scolded me in public (while I was still under medication) ‘Trip of torture’ explaining to me, “never in my life have i been on a trip being under so much pressure to drive.  It is the worst trip ever and don’t you dare invite me to another trip ever again.  I hate this.  I have enough of you!”  I suppose me, paying for the trip, arranging (bad arrangements and not as organized as I thought), being sick, having her crash her car, paying for the wreckage all my fault.  She’s a handful! 

 

How i wish my mom could help me.... there was once when I needed the most help.  I took leave from work to take care of my baby but I had to go to the Physio doctor due to my back pain from an accident.  I asked my mom to look after my baby for two hours only.  She suggested to have the Physio therapist to come to my home instead so I could take care of my own baby.  It is rude and irresponsible to ask for help and leaving my child behind. She quoted, “you should hold the responsibility to take care of your own child and not to rely on others to help you- not even for a single minute!”

therefore, I really admire to see the grandparents, playing with their grand children when I walk in the park.  How they carry them, bring them to the park and eat lunch with them.  My parents had stated clearly that, the only condition for them to be one on one with my child was when I’m around or having a helper there.

 

i believe in what comes around goes around.  My parents believe so too.  They educated me to observe how they treat their own parents so I can treat them the same.  However, in cases as per above, how could I take them seriously or give them respect as my parents? Or for my child’s grandparents? 

 

 

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On 11/8/2017 at 8:45 PM, CamelKnight said:

Your brother is going to understand you quite quickly. And soon, he too will push them away since he can't be working to support so many people. Not in this day and age with these wages and these prices in stores.

 

To be honest, where I live (Netherlands), the elderly aren't that much of a burden as we've got a fairly okay pensionsystem in place. People pay during their work to build up their own pension. It's not exactly mandatory, but you'll hardly find a business here that doesn't offer a pension of sorts to their employees. 

Hi @CamelKnight

In fact my parents in Canada ... also got pension as well.  Should be decent amount for them to enjoy.  Amount should be good enough for food, transport and living. Health is 100% covered. It should be all good, but my father has been dumping money into his hobby by withdrawing, mortgaging his fully paid house. In that case, my brother has been paying off the bank to get the house back.  

 

Sadly, to make it not look that bad... on ma dad’s ego... he educated (or shall I say manipulate) the family that he took mortgage to get me a second hand car worth 22k CAD. I am not too sure, if getting 22k cash consider mortaging property...is really bad money management on my fatger’s behalf.  

 

Weird but u don’t like the concept of loans or mortgage..

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@andydz so your dad is just bad at managing his income and you and your brother are enabling him. I'd seriously cut off all funds until he understands that it's not your job to support his so called hobby.

You've got mouths to feed and, unfortunately for your dad and mom, it's not theirs. Sure, they can come over for dinner some time but it shouldn't go from your work to your bankaccount to your dads pockets.

 

I feel for you :( 

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@andydz i feel your pain....i know how it feel when they only demands but not helping in return....

 

as my brother previously were just like that....he only knew how to blame other for his mis-fortunate and he only see his contributions.....i was always in tears....in private and my mom agonize over it....and my mom was driven to despair on his attitude too.....he kept demanding....and want to have a fortune so fast....but he should realize that money dont grow on trees

 

but im glad that he finally see the light now and tune down on his attitude.....and try to help out now instead of just demanding.....but it took him 3-5 years to realize his error.....

 

your dad....i dunno...will he realize or not? promises are one thing.....but your mom should feel happy that you guys are trying to meet her request but also must learn to do without....unfortunately im not seeing that in your mom....she had made it to a point to see that this is all her due.....she should have it no matter what....which is almost like my grandma....she feel that it is her due....you guys should do it her way.....and pretended that she is being sympathetic on your pledge and hardship in trying to fulfilling her wishes or put her in a better bracket....but she is always complaining that we arent doing what we should when we have done our best....

 

distance yourself slowly.....be a little harden up when facing your mom request.....if it is really too much say 'No' it is not easy at first but slowly....you will get use to it and while it will be hurt seeing the disappointment in their gesture.....it will be less stress on yourself....we dont live to please others all the times but we should learn to live a little for ourselves :) 

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