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Our relationship is dwindling

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Posted

Please help me.
Hi everyone,

I am currently in a long distance relationship and we are not without our issues! Here is a summary about us:



  • We have been together for 16 months.
  • I am 25 and she is 20.
  • I met her on a holiday to China where she currently resides.
  • I reside in Australia.
  • I used to call her every day for 1 year but now once a week (she wanted to hear my voice everyday but now, we’re both busy).
  • In anticipation for our wedding, I have bought her a diamond ring; a wedding band; and wedding dress.
  • I have visited her 3 times for around 2-3 weeks each time.
  • We applied for a visa for her to come to my country and it was declined.
  • My parents and extended family does not seem to approve of me being with her.
  • I have taken her on holidays around China and HK.
  • It will be at least 10 months before I can visit her again due to work/study commitments.

Currently it seems that our feelings are dwindling because of our time apart. It feels like things have changed and she doesn’t seem to care as much. Here are some signs:



  • She used to message me every now and then but she no longer does this.
  • We used to say things like “I love you” but not anymore.
  • Some of the things she says sounds like she doesn’t care about us.
  • Nowadays, most phone calls ends with me feeling a bit down.
  • It seems like ever since the visa was declined, we both feel that our confidence is shot and that we may not be able to be together despite all our effort put into this relationship.

I have tried my best to keep us together. Our relationship when we are apart, feels more like friends now. However, it is much different when we are physically together, it feels like a happy couple. If we apply for another visa again, there is always a chance that it will get rejected but we do have quite a bit of supporting documentation as opposed to the first time we applied.

My question is, if you were put in my shoes, what would you do? How would you proceed? Is it worth continuing? Is it time to go our separate ways?

Apologies for the wall of text guys and thank you everyone for your time!

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Posted

You guys have gone a long way and put a lot of effort . Why stop now. Try applying for the Visa again. I think ur relationship is going downhill because you guys lost hope after her Visa got declined. For this reason, go back and find that hope again by getting a VISA successfully.

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Posted

Communication is the key. If you want to work things out, tell her you love her and charm her. Do something. If not, and you feel like its not worth the effort, end it.

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Posted

I believe your SO is from China!! No wonder you can't get a VISA for her.

S1 countries such as India and China are hard to secure travelling VISA without appropriate reason.

Even Chinese International student at Australia would require a letter of explanation to sponsor their parent for visitation.

Not to pull you down further but I do understand why your parents rejected your relationship becoz even as a stranger to you, I would ask you to think twice

Please don't ask me why (I have seem so much of nonsense happening around my country of man marrying Chinese woman) and let me tell you this....if I could get a PR in Australia by marrying you..I don't mind...that's the practical part which I hate about Chinese...

I'm a Chinese (not from China though) I have heard so much of such nonsense when I'm residing in Sydney...so if any position is not of her advantage she will dump you for sure..(although, I'm referring to minority)...think hard if she's the one for you...moreover they are so many chinese in Australia so why LDR ? 

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Posted

woah, red flag.  you bought this girl a wedding dress?  is that normal for Australia or China?  aside from that, go for the visa.  give her those rings.  also, something that may help would to be to text her every night saying goodnight, and that you love her.  even if you're a bit uncertain, just saying it will help improve both your moods.

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Posted

DON'T IGNORE THE SIGNS. Trust me. If you want the relationship to work, it should be both of you putting all your efforts. It seems to me that everything is one sided. You have given your effort. Her visa has been declined - that's a sign. Your family doesn't seem to like her - it's a sign. The distance are both killing you. Communication is really the key to make things work in a relationship.

Before I and my husband got married, we were months apart. But it was I who kept calling him everyday. I was in the Philippines and he went back to Cambodia. He said that if it were not for it, we would have broken up already. 

I suggest you ask her out front if she still loves you and is still willing to keep the relationship going. If not, then don't waste your money and effort. There is more to the word LOVE when it comes to making a relationship work. 

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Posted

I agree with not ignoring the signs. First have open communication and try to get her to speak honestly.

Any visa stuff is stressful but now you have to go through it again. With a relationship already on the rocks are you are sure you can make it through?

My husband and I went through the visa stuff together and even then it was one of the most stressful times of our lives. Luckily we were together every day and made it through, but the paperwork is overwhelming. You need a firm relationship to go through the meticulous paperwork and requirements immigration requires. Is it worth it to you?

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Posted

Thank you for your responses everyone!

@luckylilgurl - It's true that the visa refusal does cast doubt on our future together. But mostly, it's because she does give me doubt as to whether the relationship is worth continuing.

@besteph - I try to communicate but given our work schedules, it's quite difficult (she works 7 days, I work 5). Most of the time we run out of things to say and there are awkward silences on the phone. Unfortunately, using the L word feels kind of awkward right now. I only like to use it when I feel it's time, although I have said it to her in the past.

@happygal2011 - Correct, she's from China. I think why parents are uncomfortable with us is because they have never met her in person. I think she is very likely to get along well with my mum. She not using me for a PR or even to come to Australia, she says that she wants to come here because of me. I can tell that she is not lying as she is a bit lazy and prefers not to exert too much effort onto anything she does and coming to Oz is a huge step for her.

I definitely am afraid of her leaving me and so is my parents. That's the thing that scares me right now...she hasn't given me any reason or signs that she actually has feelings for me (except when I'm with her in person which is rarely). As for why LDR and not someone in Oz, I just can't help it, initially we fell for each other and were quite happy. I won't leave her for someone who lives in Oz just because of convenience, I'm not that kind of guy lol.

@Mkoll - It's hard for us to drop the L word right now. We're both the kind of people to only say that word when we genuinely feel it. I wish she'd shower me with the L word :P It would at least give me more hope for our future and make me feel that proceeding with our relationship is worth it.

@laissezze - Thanks for sharing your experience. Unfortunately, it will be at least 10 months before I see her as I need to finish my professional qualification (I already skipped two semesters just to travel overseas to see her). I feel we won't make it in 10 months. Like I said, we have run out of things to say. There are also communication barriers. I can speak conversational Chinese but when it comes to technical jargon such as telling her what I am doing (for e.g. investments), it's hard to communicate (and it's also something she has no interest in).

@MKHnic - That's exactly what I'm wondering...whether we can make it. I remember every night, I'd come home after work and work on the visa application, making sure everything is included. I was juggling studies, work and training and it was quite stressful back then but I thought it was worth it. But now, I just don't know anymore, with the way she treats me, I don't feel that it is worth it. I kept thinking that it will all be better when we are together but it's going to be a 10 month wait till I can see her and with us having nothing to say, I'm fearing for the worst.

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Posted

i got the perfect solution for you

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Posted

i'm in a similar situation as you (he is australian, i am singaporean). To be honest, long distance relationship can be mentally draining for both parties, and in many situations, more so for the girls. Maybe the visa issue had affected her. Does she know that your family doesn't approve of her? If yes it may have added alot of pressure on her as well.

Don't mind me asking but is it a tourist visa or work visa? Because from your replies i understand that your parents have never met her in person before. Try applying a tourist visa for the time being so she can come over and visit you and your parents and have a taste of what is it like living in Australia. It helped alot in my situation as his parents got to know who i am and gradually accepted us.

Frankly, in the past, i did treat my boyfriend the way your girlfriend treated you. It wasn't because i didn't love him but because there were so many obstacles in the way that i found it hard to carry on (conflicting schedules, people getting too involved in our issues, etc) . Everything felt so uncertain. But the thing is, we managed to work things out by talking about it, clearing every doubt there was. Communication is the key. If you let things drag on, it might be too late to make amendments.

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Posted

Right now.... Looks like she is not trying anymore....

So you should either take action... Or let the relationship fall apart.

From my experience, usually not caring from the girl means that she's ready to move on/break up.

I also have tried a long distance relationship... And I just can't do it.

So I hope it either works for you... Or I hope that will find someone who is close to you.

Good luck

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Posted

A long distance relationship is very hard. I was in one and I decided that I wasn't right for a long distance relationship and I packed up and moved to her. Like you said, you both have working jobs and you both are busy, but it seems like she has given up. Talk to her, tell her you don't want to give up on the relationship and that you want to try to get a visa again. And if that doesn't work, heck, you can go move to her?

Just do the best you can.

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Posted

talk to her about this and see if you guys are both on the same page, or whether this is a misunderstanding.

If you both want it, you guys can make it work

and if things dont work out, sometimes its just the timing

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Posted

My take is that the relationship you have needs a good old fashioned "clearing of the air" intervention. If it seems that everything is going into decline, you obviously want to do something to stop the bleeding. The first thing you want to do is to reconcile with yourself just how exactly you feel about the relationship. Do you personally feel invested in it - or are you truly becoming bored and disinterested? However you decide, reconcile yourself to that sentiment and then approach your situation with that mindset. If you think it is not worth pursuing anymore, work towards cutting your losses while you are ahead, be respectful, and think of an exit strategy that leaves the both of you with your dignities intact and a feeling of proper closure. But if you feel it is still worth pursuing and repairing, then take the time to convey that sentiment, your concern for how you perceive things are deteriorating, and most importantly confirm from her just how exactly she feels about everything and how she perceives things are headed. Ultimately, burying your head in the sand and passively allowing the passage of time to take its toll with the currently ambiguous status quo will just result in a sort of emotional purgatory.

So get in touch with her and clear the air. If you want to repair this thing and she does too, then formulate a game plan. Give the relationship a purpose again. Make goals: Set a timetable for reapplying for a visa. Consider a contingency plan if that doesn't work out (this might require you to consider relocating to her, if you are sincerely that serious). Get a better understanding as to the rationale behind the current level of communications, so paranoia and presumptions aren't made. Try to work on a steadier schedule of contacting each other. Relationships are always evolving, so just because things have changed over the recent past, sometimes it's truly because of individual life circumstances - not because things are necessarily deteriorating. The point of the matter is that you evidently need to CLARIFY matters once and for all in order to know just where each of your minds are at, what to do, and how to move on.

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Posted

i'm in a similar situation as you (he is australian, i am singaporean). To be honest, long distance relationship can be mentally draining for both parties, and in many situations, more so for the girls. Maybe the visa issue had affected her. Does she know that your family doesn't approve of her? If yes it may have added alot of pressure on her as well.

Don't mind me asking but is it a tourist visa or work visa? Because from your replies i understand that your parents have never met her in person before. Try applying a tourist visa for the time being so she can come over and visit you and your parents and have a taste of what is it like living in Australia. It helped alot in my situation as his parents got to know who i am and gradually accepted us.

Frankly, in the past, i did treat my boyfriend the way your girlfriend treated you. It wasn't because i didn't love him but because there were so many obstacles in the way that i found it hard to carry on (conflicting schedules, people getting too involved in our issues, etc) . Everything felt so uncertain. But the thing is, we managed to work things out by talking about it, clearing every doubt there was. Communication is the key. If you let things drag on, it might be too late to make amendments.

Chinese will have a hard time getting a tourist visa if they are not with a tour agency.

In your situation, is much different coz Tourist Visa for us is merely online application and up to 3mths staying in a year so you can't compare your situation to the OP.

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Posted

@Lene - Evaluating her circumstances, she does not meet the requirements for a tourist visa. She does believe that my parents do not like her but I've told her that my parents just do not know her, hence their concerns. Thanks for sharing your experience with me, it was quite insightful. Are you and your bf finally married?

@jinchilla - It does seem like that she is about to give up. I went back to see her in April this year (in person, everything is good between me and her) and she actually wanted a baby with me ASAP, so I just don't know what's going on in her mind. I actually had to sit down and explain the implications of being pregnant to her and that it means less freedom for her (which she says she was OK with).

@writersblockcjhsu - To be honest I just don't like life in China, being an ABC, I'm not used to life there at all. I prefer Oz! So that's not an option for me. We may just try again for the visa in 1 years' time after my studies!

borabora - We've been trying to talk about it, but sometimes it just seems like her responses sound more like she doesn't really care whether we are together or apart. It's odd.

HERMIT - Thanks for your wisdom as always, Relationship Master Hermit. I'm not the kind of guy that gives up easily and now reading your reply, it clears my head a lot. I need to plan things out once again and hope for the best. The challenge is keeping the love alive within the next 12 months. With your wisdom about love, I can't believe you are single! I'll bet you have plenty of ladies wanting you haha :P

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Posted

When I felt that my LDR was beginning to fall apart, I made the biggest mistake of caring too much. I thought about it constantly, I was scared that he stopped loving me, and I felt like I had to talk to him about it asap. What I didn't know, was that he was actually taking time off to assess our relationship and basically think things through, to see if he still loved me. I ended up annoying him too much and being the clingy person that I never wanted to be, and that obviously turned him off. Our LDR ended. He said that if I had given him some time and not pressured him at all, he would've handled it better and we would still be together. Sad story.

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