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how do you say no? at what point are you "leading someone on"?

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Posted

so you just meet someone, but the pretense isn't romantic--or, at least you don't think so. they're inherently chatty, so you don't think anything of it until it's too late. you provide contact information when asked (because who knows, maybe they're just one of those people who needs to add everyone on fb), and they know your schedule because the conversation took a turn without you even being aware. a request to hang out is made, and you can't just say "oh, I'm busy... forever."

do you bluntly say you're not interested, when no mention of it being romantic was ever stated/no flirting occurred? suuuuper awk. or do you agree to hang out from politeness, clinging onto the chance it was really just an amicable invitation?

usually when something like this happens the pretense is pretty obvious so it's appropriate to say 'no thanks' or 'I'm busy'. but I swear, the conversation/situation was so casual I totally wasn't expecting it. I'm afraid my nonchalant attitude was an implicit "YES I AM INTERESTED", but I don't know how to politely stop it--again, especially since it's not officially 'romantic'.

I'm a pretty detached person. I don't flirt. I don't exude any 'signals'. I don't know how the hell I get myself into these bizarre situations..

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Posted

Yeah I get what you mean. I'm not flirty either and it's very awkward when you realise they're hitting on you/have asked you out/ or realise the friendly hang out was actually a date =/ (this happened with several people -_-. I just don't think too much and don't automatically assume spending time with someone one to one = date).

Just be honest. I rejected a guy a month and half ago. Told him I thought he was a cool guy and that's why we'd make better friends. Told him I didn't feel like we had chemistry.

I don't like to lead people on. I got lead on once when I was like 16-17? It wasn't a nice experience. I didn't even like the guy much. But the fact they toyed with me hurt my pride I guess.

Better to rip that band aid off fast! Just be honest. Most people would appreciate the honesty. Nobody likes being made a fool of afterall =(.

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Posted

Just be honest. I rejected a guy a month and half ago. Told him I thought he was a cool guy and that's why we'd make better friends. Told him I didn't feel like we had chemistry.

thanks for the advice! idk I'd just feel awkward saying something because no mention if it being romantic was ever made, you know? after the hangout if they still insist on texting me and plan a new hangout, should I just say I'm really busy bc school's almost over?

or do I outright say "hey you're cool, but we should be friends", even though I'm sure they wouldn't have the guts to call anything a 'date' or use language they wouldn't use on friends. it was just so random because we had nothing in common, and just talked to fill empty silences. but they seemed like one of those social butterflies who insists on making contacts with everyone, so I really didn't think anything of it until it hit me :/

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Posted

I'm having the same problem! Growing up, guys didn't normally like me because I was really shy and I focused a lot in school (still do). However, after transferring schools this year, I met people who were more like me. It's a really good school, so of course they're also busy with homework and whatnot, and I find the people there very relatable. Well basically, since I'm so unused to guys liking me, I don't really assume or think any of my guy friends would like me. Unfortunately, that's not the case and I've come across many awkward moments where I had to turn them down. I really hate it because I sorta feel like I could have prevented it somehow, I guess.

Only one of them directly asked me to hang-out one-one though. He didn't directly call it a date or anything like that, so I didn't either...What I did was I told him that my parents didn't like me going out with only one person, which was the truth. They'd prefer it if I was out with a group of people for obvious safety reasons. So maybe you can pull that card too? If you don't want to say it's because of your parents, you could also say something along the lines of, "Oh, that would really be fun! Maybe we should invite more people because I heard _________ also liked that movie/restaurant/etc.?" or something like to get the idea of making it a group outting. If not, I would assume he would come out with his true romantic intentions to try to persuade you to keep it to a one-one date. Then I guess that would be a good time to tell him you'd like to stay friends xD

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Posted

Wow, I was in pretty much the same situation as you described, OP. But we hung out once after we first met, then I told him bluntly that I wasn't interested in a relationship. Mind you, that took quite a bit of courage (I normally can't say no). At first he was like :blink: then he kinda laughed, saying that he hadn't even gotten to the stage of liking me properly. It's fine now, we're still friends :) I definitely say it's best to be as honest as you can.

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Posted

Yeah that's happened quite a lot to me. When guys talk to me, I don't assume that they want to get in a relationship with me... I think we can be friends, cool. So when their feelings go beyond that, I feel a little uncomfortable. Yet, I don't know how to say it upfront that I don't want to date them, when they haven't officially confessed or asked me out despite all their actions obviously pointing towards that direction.

So I guess, unless they confess, then you can reject them LOL... I'm so confused. LOL.

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Posted

I've been in this situation a few times: when I think someone's interested in me, but they haven't made any overt moves yet. It's kind of awkward--you can't really turn someone down when there's technically nothing to turn down.

I haven't quite figured this out yet to be honest. What I've done in the past is either

1.) repeatedly hint that they're a "good friend" , call them a "brother", talk about other guys I'm interested in

2.) agree to hang out, but always invite other people

3.) continue being friendly (but not flirtatious) with them, until they have the courage to ask me out so I can explicitly turn them down (lol)

With all 3 methods, the guy's crush on me usually drags on for months before he understands that I'm not interested in him in that way. Of course, I can just outright say I'm not interested in dating them, but I can already imagine the response being something along the lines of my ego being really big. <_<

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Posted

Thanks everyone! I would totally have pulled the "hey, we should invite more people it'll be more fun that way :)" but seriously, I don't have anything in common with this person--no friends (well,more like acquaintances of acquaintances), no interests, nada. I really have no idea why they would ask to 'hang out', when the hour or so I spent with them (yes, all that happened in the space of an hour!) was so painfully awkward. I don't even want to be friends with this person because we have so little in common.

I agreed to hang out, so I guess I'll just say something like "that was fun, but since school's almost out I'm going to be really busy. see you around I guess?" and then just be really avoidant after that lol.

@dolcedor lol I'm reaaally hoping for #3. I'm hoping they'll call it a 'date' or something, and I can be like "what? oh, is that what you think this is? ohhh sorry :/" but I know they probably won't have the courage. I mean, they weaseled in my contact info and my availability during the week lol.

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Posted

Sometimes my friendliness gets mistaken as flirting...and I have also mistaken a guy's friendliness as flirting too before. And then when a guy I like is actually flirting with me I just think...no way...he's just being friendly. So everything somehow falls through for me. :rolleyes: So it's understandable.

But I get you. When I am 100% sure I don't want to go on a date with the person, I would say "we could hang out as friends." Okay the one time I used that line, I wasn't that smooth. He asked if I wanted to get dinner sometime (clearly was a date request) and I awkwardly say..."as friends?" But he got the message...and we are still friends today. So maybe throw a hint like "I'd love to hang out; I think you'll make a great friend." Too straight forward?...lol see the next option.

Just be real upfront and let them know they're a great person, but you don't see them in a romantic way. It may hurt, but often people appreciate the blunt/clear response.

Ha...I just thought of a time when your situation happened to me. I thought this guy was just being friendly so I got myself into the "okay let's hang out" cycle. It started with casual dinners/lunches and hangouts with mutual friends...and then it became just the two of us. All of a sudden I found myself in his room watching a movie with him...BUT, I still didn't realize what was going on until he kept texting and asking to hangout and my roommate was like..dude he likes you. And that's when I realized I was probably leading him on. So I had to pull him aside and say I didn't mean to lead him on, but I only saw him as a friend...it was really awkward, but he was cool with it. Of course he stopped texting and stuff after that.

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Posted

i'm currently in this situation too , but finally managed to say no. 

i met my ex through a friend while they were still dating after they broke up i started to tease him about and that's when the flirting began , since i was still young i thought i had a tiny crush on him but i wouldnt admit it until one day i told him that i did . the flirting stopped for a bit until we awkwardly started to date .

(Note , this was all online. )

It was almost time to start high school and we found out that we both made it into the same school . during the first day we both saw each other but were too shy to say anything to each other and we were split in different classes. 

News spreaded like wildfire that we were dating on valentines day so everything was a bit forced, I noticed that he was delicate with romance but he was known as god among the 7th graders due to his 4chan personality and he was easily depressed so i started spicing things up a bit being unsatisfied, he noticed too but nothing had change so decided that i wanted a break , on the day i broke up with him people started giving me dirty looks and such but i didnt mind since  knew that would be the result of my actions. Everything was awkward again .

A few months after I met my best friend , my ex and she was flirting back and forth since they were in the same class , I warned her but she refused to listen to me. On the after my birthday they announced that they were dating and i was shocked.

About a month or so later they broke up due to my ex thinking people were cockblocking them.

So I had to comfort my bestfriend the whole day and we made promises that we would be forever alones together with cats and all that, 

I was about to tell him off for doing in such a brutal way as that was her first relationship. 

It was still awkward and tense until his birthday.

I told him happy birthday being polite and such. 

After that we started flirting again but to me i only thought of it as being friends again.

All of my friends said that we should go out already but i denied any romance.

Until one day my friend's boyfriend (i helped them get together c:) said that my ex liked me and i wasnt sure still. 

so i soon got tired of their hinting and asked him if he liked me and he shyly said yes.. 

so without thinking i kissed him on the cheek and told him i liked him too. 

then after regretting and thinking of it as friendzoning, 

We still flirted back and forth and decided to wait and see if i had any feelings for him during this stage . 

after a week i still didnt have any feelings for him ,

he wanted to give me hugs and kisses and all that but i refused until he became depressed and all that. 

my friend's boyfriend started telling me off for all that so i occasionally gave him a kiss on the cheek or a pat on the head. 

my friend's (the one who dated him before me) cousin ( i met during the holidays) started flirting with me and i was told he was a playboy. 

so my ex's friend sent all the screen shots of the statuses my friends cousin typed about me being pretty and all ( i'm seriously not pretty. ouo;;)

so my ex got jealous and his friend started bullying me about it.

one day i joked about friendzoning to my ex 

and he thought i wanted to break up ( which i was fine with) but i wanted to straighten out so now we have no idea want our relationship is. 

my friend's cousin confessed to me and i was seriously getting tired of him ( he even showed me off to his friends) 

i told him that he a cool guy but i didnt like him and only thought of him as a brother he said that he would fly over from melbourne to me and wouldnt give up so i decided to ignore him after getting tired of the drama, 

my ex told me off for the billionth time and i told him that i wasnt really looking for a relationship and he said he was fine with it , i was suprised since he was  extremely fragile when it comes to romance . 

we're still friends and all. :D

sorry for the long post ;;

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Posted

At the end of your hang out, tell him "Gosh, you're like the best girlfriend I've never had!"

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Posted

so you just meet someone, but the pretense isn't romantic--or, at least you don't think so. they're inherently chatty, so you don't think anything of it until it's too late. you provide contact information when asked (because who knows, maybe they're just one of those people who needs to add everyone on fb), and they know your schedule because the conversation took a turn without you even being aware. a request to hang out is made, and you can't just say "oh, I'm busy... forever."

do you bluntly say you're not interested, when no mention of it being romantic was ever stated/no flirting occurred? suuuuper awk. or do you agree to hang out from politeness, clinging onto the chance it was really just an amicable invitation?

usually when something like this happens the pretense is pretty obvious so it's appropriate to say 'no thanks' or 'I'm busy'. but I swear, the conversation/situation was so casual I totally wasn't expecting it. I'm afraid my nonchalant attitude was an implicit "YES I AM INTERESTED", but I don't know how to politely stop it--again, especially since it's not officially 'romantic'.

I'm a pretty detached person. I don't flirt. I don't exude any 'signals'. I don't know how the hell I get myself into these bizarre situations..

    You should be asking yourself that. You say you don't flirt or give out signals but you gave some strange person your contact information and schedule? What do you call that? Your best approach would be to go to this person and be honest. Tell him you weren't interested in him in the first place and it was an oversite to provide that confidential information...if you can bring yourself to that.

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Posted

^that's not always the case though

i have a coworker that seems to really like talking to me (I think he's just lonely though, because the entire conversation was all him talking and i go for work only, not to make friends) and when we were leaving, he asked for my number. was I supposed to be like "ah no i don't wanna talk to you on the phone"? how would you reject giving a phone number without being rude?

(legit question, I really need to know v__v)

or you can lie and say "i'm sorry, i have a date with my boyfriend that day"

doesn't matter if you have a boyfriend or not, if you guys have no real mutual friends, it's not like he'll know anyway ahahha

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Posted

You should be asking yourself that. You say you don't flirt or give out signals but you gave some strange person your contact information and schedule? What do you call that? Your best approach would be to go to this person and be honest. Tell him you weren't interested in him in the first place and it was an oversite to provide that confidential information...if you can bring yourself to that.

... this normally never, ever happens because I never just give my info out like that. But they were asking me like "so what classes are you taking? do you have class before (shared classes?) etc." I couldn't just say "WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW??" lol. It just weaseled into the conversation. They literally looked me up on fb and went "hey, is that you?" I can't just say "nope, must be another (my name)." or "umm I don't feel comfortable adding you". It's not at all abnormal to add classmates you've talked to on fb--I'm sure you know people who add others after just having one or two convos with them, without ulterior motives.

I'm outwardly pretty polite, so I didn't know how to refuse when they literally stuck their phone in my and and said "here, type in your number". Other than that, we just had a normal convo like any two classmates would. It's not weird for two people to add each other on fb and have convos in class, but the phone # thing through me off.

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Mentor wrote on 27 April 2012 - 09:04 PM:

You should be asking yourself that. You say you don't flirt or give out signals but you gave some strange person your contact information and schedule? What do you call that? Your best approach would be to go to this person and be honest. Tell him you weren't interested in him in the first place and it was an oversite to provide that confidential information...if you can bring yourself to that.

... this normally never, ever happens because I never just give my info out like that. But they were asking me like "so what classes are you taking? do you have class before (shared classes?) etc." I couldn't just say "WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW??" lol. It just weaseled into the conversation. They literally looked me up on fb and went "hey, is that you?" I can't just say "nope, must be another (my name)." or "umm I don't feel comfortable adding you". It's not at all abnormal to add classmates you've talked to on fb--I'm sure you know people who add others after just having one or two convos with them, without ulterior motives.

I'm outwardly pretty polite, so I didn't know how to refuse when they literally stuck their phone in my and and said "here, type in your number". Other than that, we just had a normal convo like any two classmates would. It's not weird for two people to add each other on fb and have convos in class, but the phone # thing through me off.

Paint, you're not being honest. If you didn't want this person having your number , you shouldn't have wrote it in. Honest is polite.

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Paint, you're not being honest. If you didn't want this person having your number , you shouldn't have wrote it in. Honest is polite.

I agree with Mentor here, someone sort of did that to me, and got my information, facts about me, etc., generally creepy things. I felt the same way you did here, I didn't think that I could just be honest and risk appearing rude. But now that's led to a fiasco that I wish I never had gotten into. You should be honest with that other person. It'll be the best for the both of you... I think I'll do that myself.

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