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Arranged Marriage. FML.

32 posts in this topic

Posted

I didn't even graduate high school yet. Sure, I'm part Indian (1/4) but my dad didn't even go through it himself since my mum is Italian and now my grandparents want to get me engaged to a guy who is 5 years older than me so we can get married after I turn 21 so our families can have a good relationship.

I'm only 18! I yelled and argued saying this is crazy. my dad's lawyer and he can't do this to me. It's wrong. My mum on the other hand is saying that it's not forcing and just think of it as a blind date or something and give it a try.

I don't even want to think about this. I saw him when I went to london over break but .. he's almost 23!

I don't even know what to do anymore, I'm so angry. Why me? Why? I thought this only happened to the Indians in India. 

-This is just a rant. I don't know what's going to happen. AHH.

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Posted

you're 18 lol

your parents just wanna get rid of you

if you don't marry him your dad will use that as a pretext to kick you out

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Posted

I don't even see why he is trying to force you to do this. This is so hypocritical of both your dad AND your grandparents. Try asking him how he would feel if HIS parents had tried forcing him to marry an Indian woman that he didn't love, instead of your Italian mom whom he does love. Same goes for your grandparents who I'm assuming are also a mixed couple since you said you're only 1/4 Indian. Then I'm sure that the point would come across to all of them. 

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Posted

i knew someone from malaysia and she is indian as well. to them, it's their culture and they like arrange marriage though. she said that she wouldn't think that she will be able to find someone on her own, so, the only way is through arrange marriage.

plus for them indian, early marriage is encouraged. that friend, she will be getting married this year through arranged marriage and she is 27. well, perhaps for most of us, 27 is still young but to them, it's consider "old" especially for their culture. she just knew that guy and haven't even met him.. just communicated to him through FB and phone calls everyday. she doesn't wanna get married this year as it's just too soon and she is not prepared.. but her parents and even that guy keep pestering her asn keep repeating to her that "you are not young anymore. you are already 27!!"

but yeah.. i mean you can just be friends with that guy.. like your parents said, not necessary have to marry him.. if you don't like, just said he isn't your type and moved on.

however, i am not sure what's the hurry from your parents.. come on.. you are just 18! lol

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Posted

Yah, the old marriage tradition of India people are strict.

My 1st sister (Chinese) married an India man.

He didn't want to go through the arranged marriage because he thought it's stupid and he wanted to be with my sister instead.

So, his little brother had to move back to India and go through the arranged marriage in India since his brother didn't want to go through with it.

I heard from my 2nd sister, that my 1st sister's mother-in-law wanted her son to be sent to India and be raised there, because of some tradition. :crazy: I don't know if that's right or not. I haven't asked her in person, I don't like meddling.

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Posted

are you kidding?!?! you get to get provided for and have babies and have a nice home for jsut getting married and doing filial duties!!! at least ur not starving to death in some 3rd world countrfy

Wow. Wow.

To the others that replied.

Haha, I was venting and think I potrayed my parents in a dis likable way. Haha.

Anyways, my dad is actually my best buddy :) And they aren't forcing me into anything, they want me to try it out so our families can merge the Bussiness and things.

And lol he's not exactly Indian either since he's mostly british but yeah, I just don't want to make any commitments now since I'm an 18 year old brat.

I couldn't say this to any of my friends since its just creepy. I don't even know what's going to happen.

Even if I go through it I probably won't get married till I finish my Education and he also has to go through med school.

We aren't going to date or anything till I'm 20 since he's 23 now but when I do get older my family wants to see if do want to be together since its like "hitting 2 birds with 1 stone" as my gran says.

Yah, the old marriage tradition of India people are strict.

My 1st sister (Chinese) married an India man.

He didn't want to go through the arranged marriage because he thought it's stupid and he wanted to be with my sister instead.

So, his little brother had to move back to India and go through the arranged marriage in India since his brother didn't want to go through with it.

I heard from my 2nd sister, that my 1st sister's mother-in-law wanted her son to be sent to India and be raised there, because of some tradition. :crazy: I don't know if that's right or not. I haven't asked her in person, I don't like meddling.

Haha, I can see that but it all depends on the people I guess if I was a little older I might have agreed to date him since I'm familiar with the Indian traditions. UK has alot of Indian culture, and I grew up there.

For me I can flat out say no but that would be a loss in money so my mums telling me to just think about it after sometime.

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Posted

Just think of how lucky you are to be guaranteed to meet someone.. xD? I did have an indian friend that eventually got married because of an arranged wedding.. it was very successful, and i think it's something where they grew to love each other.. i'm sure less of a divorce rate than "american marriages"...:/

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Posted

Maybe one way to get out of an arranged marriage is to clamor for the planning of an arranged divorce as a possible contingency.

In other words, demand a prenuptial agreement and argue that this is to help protect the businesses just as much as the arranged marriage is to help "merge the businesses".  Certainly the fathers on both sides can see the logic and wisdom and that.

If you are lucky, they get into this kind of a discussion and who knows - they might decide that this whole arranged marriage business isn't worth the risk once they realize that they might not agree on a suitable split once the prospect of divorce is considered.

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Posted

LOL you're 18 and your parents can't legally force you to do anything. Just stand up to your parents like every kid has to at one time or another. Worst comes to worst, they'll kick you out and cut you off and you'll have to get a job or loans. But that's not the end of the world, and I'm sure you'll survive.

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Posted

Your 2nd post makes you sound very laid back and relaxed about this situation. The way you've outlined it seems like your parents aren't really asking you for too much either.

I think they're asking you to give the guy a chance for (I suppose) the better of the business. Then again who ever said the guy agreed to this arrangement either?

If my parents ever arranged a blind date for me (and they have before) and I didn't want to go, I simply would not. I'm going to live a dreadfully romantic life and wait for my one true love as I age into an old spinster bahumbugging on Valentines day instead of Christmas.

You're an adult now (although just barely) yes is yes, no is no, take your pick.

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Posted

I'm going through the same thing except my mom tricked me into an "engagement" with her. She claimed that it was just a casual meeting and demanded me to go. She said that the meeting was already arranged and that she would be embarrassed if I didn't go. I went and realized that it was the big thing. A lot of her relatives came and so did ours'. This was just four days after my mom introduced me to her for the first time. After the meeting, I told her and my relatives that I was tricked into this. They were all shocked obviously. She still contacts me and has been very nice to me. So I haven't separated from her just in case she is the one, which I'm not thinking of her as at this moment. My mom is worried because it's been over a month so far and I haven't proposed to the "girlfriend." The "girlfriend"'s mom is very anxious. She called my mom recently. (They see each other six days a week at the health spa). I'm pretty sure that they're regretting this now.

This is happening in South Korea where it's been a long time since the country stopped having arranged marriages.

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Posted

Just stand up to your parents like every kid has to at one time or another.

Yes.

Kids are made to believe that they should never stand up to their parents. Later on, most of them start to learn that all of their close relatives over 30 years old have defied their parents when they had to.

All of my older cousins married their spouses against their parents' wishes. The ironic twist to this is that some of them took my parents' side. They did the same against my sister.

I'm not suggesting people to defy their parents all the time. Express your mind and choose your own path when you really need to. Having your parents not know your point of view at all won't make a stable relationship in the long run. My parents started to respect me after I started to express my point of view.

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Posted

Maybe try talking to him and see how he feels. You're young so he might feel awkward too? And maybe, you guys can just not think about it for a 2-3 years and then when you think you can give it a shot you can date him and see where it goes.

It doesn't seem like you are being forced or anything so I don't know anything to say in your situation.

My fiance is actually Indian and his sister went through the "arranged" marriage too even when she was born and brought up in London all her life.

When my fiance's parents told her about she went insane (for a few days) saying she didn't want to and all that but they were both made to attend blind date and lol, she liked him so much and so they dated for a year and soon fell in love.

It's just depending on the person.

All the best! :)

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Posted

you're still young. you can think about it.

trust me, they say that men mature slower than women, it is good to get an older man who is mature.

maybe just get to know him. maybe he doesn't like the idea too.

you're still young, i'm sure your dad wouldn't want to force you against your will, considering that he's a lawyer.

look at the 'bad' side of things but also look at the 'good' side of things.

if he's a good guy with a good family, just consider yourself lucky that its in front of you.

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Posted

I doubt it will happen. It seems to me it is your grandparents wish to see their grandchild married before they, you know.. and because they like the person they want you to be with, they are pushing forward to the whole arranged marriage issue. Do you even like the guy? If he is someone who is decent and you are interested in getting to know him better, there is no harm of going on a date or two with him. But if you are not interested, then let them know you are not interested. Just go on a date with him to make them satisfied, and it will be more convincing if you say you are not interested in him afterwards, then to try to convince them to give up when the two of you did not even make it to one date.

If all arranged marriages happen, then I would have been married since I was a few days old. My family friend's mom has been after me since I was a kid (over 20 years!) and even though she is not as straight-forward as before, if I was to say mention something about a guy, his mother will get her son's attention and tell him what happened. I hope my situation will shine some light on you. Just because someone talks about arranged marriage does not mean it will happen. I am sure that your grandparents are just going back to the old traditional way of marriage because they want to see their grandchild happy.

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Posted

if he's a bad boy and you're a good girl this would be  the perfect marriage

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Posted

This is so hypocritical of both your dad AND your grandparents.

What else did you expect from a culture where men dominate over women and treat them as furniture?

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Posted

I don't see the problem, I mean I did when I first read the post, your parent's aren't making you do it. I mean there's nothing wrong with meeting the guy and see if you like him. Yes your only 18, but things can change. You never know.

I mean your mom is right, try it out and handle it as if its a blind date. I don't know the divorce laws where you are, but as long as your marriage doesn't get consummated, you can get an annulment

Don't get me wrong or anything, but I am against arrange marriage. My parents were arranged to me married. They seemed to hate each other but at the same time they tolerated each other. One of my best friend had an arrangement to marry his cousin (first cousin one removed or something?) so she can gain citizenship. I was dating him at the time and it made me super uncomfortable to know that I'm gonna be kept in the dark from his family.

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Posted

Think of it as a blind date, like your mum says. Did they literally say "You have to be engaged and get married when you're 21"? If not, then it is a blind date...just try it out and forget that they're pressuring you into this. Who knows, you might actually like the guy? :)

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Posted

To the OP, I'm just going to be straight forward with this. I was once dating an amazing girl who just happened to be newly wed to someone her family arranged for. Unlike your situation, the arrangement was a lot more strict and her old-traditioned asian parents gave her no other option, but to marry a certain business man ( who is 8 years older than her ) or kick her out of the family during her last year as a med-student.

She would call, and talk endlessly, as I tried to steer the conversation away from her unfortunate situation, yet it was hard to avoid it. She would only arrange us hanging out when her husband was really busy. She would sleep in a fetile position when they shared the bed at night, she hardly talked to him on a sincere level. All because she hated the fact that at her young age, she felt like she didnt live life.

So in simplicity, her life was miserable. We eventually sat down and talked about it, and she insisted we stop meeting cause it would devestate her even more if her family or "husband" found out. Respecting her wishes, we have no contact, but I know shes a strong individual whos doing it for the sake of her families wealth.

Me personally, would never let a daughter of mine go through that crap.

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