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My friend tried to take advantage of me when I was drunk

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Posted

Need advice. ***UPDATED***
I wanted to post this in Love/Relationship, but I'll be safe and post it here instead.

My friend tried to feel me up when I was drunk, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't actually remember him doing it until I got over my hang over next morning, but when I did remember, I felt really angry, first at him, because I thought he was someone I could trust, and then at myself, because I let it happen.

I'm thinking of confronting him, but I don't want to risk making things awkward between us. However, if I don't, I'll be angry because I didn't stand up for myself. I'm hating the feeling of being taken advantage of, but I also hate the idea of an awkward confrontation.

Btw, if anyone is thinking of giving me the "you're asking for it if you get drunk" speech, I'll save you the time by telling you that kind of response isn't constructive advice, and I won't be reading it.

So what do you guys think? Has this ever happened to anyone here before? If so, how did you handle it?

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Posted

If he was your good friend then he shouldn't be doing something like that. That wrong to do that no matter the situation. So I would say talk to him about because if you don't it going to happen again.

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Posted

Well, first of all, are you 100% he did an intentional feel up on you? It wasn't some awkward brush up or accidental event? I'm asking only because it sounds like you were definitely more than buzzed.

Anyways, assuming that this was entirely intentional, then I think you should go ahead with confronting him privately, preferably in person. Even if you don't want to make it awkward, he's already done that quite well by his actions. You have the full right to discuss the matter with him as he's broken the trust in your friendship with him. You should hear his perspective on the matter, although based on actions alone, it's clear that although you guys are just friends, he definitely finds you attractive. This knowledge alone might hamper your current relationship with him. Either way, he needs to know that what he did was unacceptable and at the very least he should apologize in the proper manner.

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Posted

^ My memory's a little fuzzy, but I remember him trying to put his hand between my legs several times. It definitely wasn't unintentional.

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Posted

OK, I thought it was something like groping your chest. My mistake for taking light of the situation.

That is clear indication that he has a sexual attraction toward you. Combine this with his lack of self-control and sense of responsibility to a friend in this situation, and it becomes clear that it's going to be difficult for you to be just friends with this guy.

Talk to him in person, be straightforward, don't let him derail the issue or excuse his actions, and let him know you know fully well what he attempted. His reactions should tell you whether your friendship is worth salvaging.

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Posted

"I'm thinking of confronting him, but I don't want to risk making things awkward between us."

He already did. You should lay it down hard. So he doesn't continue this behavior with other women.

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Posted

^if he slipped a hand between your legs a couple time, I think it's safe to say he was def feeling you up. But are you a touchy-feely or flirty drunk? And was your friend sober at the time or also buzzed/drunk? Maybe he already had feelings for you to start with and if he was a bit buzzed as well as you being drunk, maybe he thought "why not? this seems like a good idea" and decided to feel you up and if things went a bit further, he didn't see anything wrong with that. Maybe he didn't intend to act on his feelings that way originally but with a bit of alcohol, everyone's reasoning becomes a bit skewed.

I agree with 5880 in confronting him privately about this matter. If he remembers this issue and is feeling guilty/embarrassed and doesn't want to bring it up, you still should. Friendship, like any relationship, should be based on trust and honesty. Even if mixed signals were sent and alcohol was involved, you should still confront him on this as it concerns YOUR body and BOTH of your feelings. Things are bound to be awkward whether you speak about it or not (your friendship wont remain the same even if you don't say anything - you'll always feel suspicious and hurt around him, he will have a different view of you and may try something else) so you should get this out in the open. You should hear his perspective of the event and you deserve an apology and explanation. If things really go to hell and your friendship ends here, at least your learned earlier on that this friend isn't trustworthy. Best of luck.

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Posted

I got the impression that the OP was wasted. Like passed out on the ground wasted.

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Posted

Why do you care about making things awkward? If I was you I wouldnt have this guy as a friend, not even an acquaintance. Theres nothing to be awkward about someone you dont hang out with.

There is one factor that I might take into consideration. How drunk was he? If he was sober, this should tell you something about his character. Not someone worth keeping as a friend.

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Posted

I get so upset when I hear stories like these...My advice to you would be to confront him about it. Too many girls these days get taken advantage of while drunk and keep quiet about it. Don't let it slide because next time it could be rape.

To those that say "Oh, she got pissed drunk so she was asking for it.", that's absolute rubbish. Statistics say that most girls get raped by someone they know (friend, boyfriend, husband, family member etc.), which means that you most likely trust that the people you're with will take care of you while you're drunk, not try to take advantage of you.

(Edit)

I also want to add that you're not alone. Events like this can leave a strong mark on people, so don't hesitate to reach out to your friends, family, other forums and maybe even coworkers because it's nothing to be ashamed about since you didn't do anything wrong. Unfortunately, I was in pretty much the same situation last year, so if you want to talk about it, feel free to PM me. All the best.

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Posted

Educate yourselves, girls. 

Platonic Friendship is a Fraud

I hear these kind of stories all the time, and somehow it always comes as a shock to girls, when I just say "I told you so". For the most part, unless the guy already has a girl, the only reason he is hanging out with you is to get into your pants. 

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Posted

The user and all related content has been deleted.

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Posted

I know this is sort of an uncomfortable topic, so I appreciate all the replies I've gotten. I guess the general consensus is to tell him it wasn't alright. Thanks HaplessChild, for the great starter haha... now I know what to lead with.

I've actually texted him (I know, I know, it's lame to text) that I want to talk to him about that night, and we're meeting up today. But he's playing it real cool with all these smilies and "lol"s, and it's really pissing me off. I have a feeling he's going to pass it off as a "I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing" moment, or "I was so drunk I don't remember any of it" and that makes me even angrier.

Does anyone know how to respond to that? I'm not trying to be a pinkberry about it - I just want the sincere apology I deserve.

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Posted

Do you recall doing anything that might have made him think it was ok or wanted?

This is what i was wondering, because while a lot of times, I know that kind of physical attention is unwanted, a lot of times guys make an aggressive move and there isn't really an issue. Where was this? I've had guys do similar things at parties and stuff and honestly I didn't think it was so out of the ordinary or that they were doing something totally deviant. Sometimes guys just don't get a good read of the situation or think that because some girls let them do something, others will too. I'm not trying to say that just because it was ok for me it should have been ok for you; just trying to share a different perspective. Did you tell him to stop?

If you want an apology, tell him "I want an apology."  If you're angry, tell him "I'm angry." If you want him to take this seriously, say "I want you to take this seriously." Tiptoeing around the topic isn't going to help you avoid awkwardness and it isn't going to get you what you want.

good for you for deciding to stand up for yourself :) i hope you feel better after confronting him about it.

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Posted

something along the lines of 'drunk or not drunk, i dont give a mini cooper. throw whatever excuses you have, i dont give a mini cooper. just dont ever let this happen again or else ill cut your balls off.'

if he smiles or laughs, tell him 'no, there is nothing funny about this (with your most serious face of course).' you want to shine the spot light on him making him sweat bullets.

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Posted

But he's playing it real cool with all these smilies and "lol"s, and it's really pissing me off. I have a feeling he's going to pass it off as a "I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing" moment, or "I was so drunk I don't remember any of it" and that makes me even angrier.

Does anyone know how to respond to that? I'm not trying to be a pinkberry about it - I just want the sincere apology I deserve.

Whats so "lol"s and what could the smilies be about? Maybe you can test him out and check proof him. If he is using what you're saying he is doing to cover himself up, something is going on and isn't good.

Do what you can to get an apology out of him.

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Posted

if i was the dude i would just deny deny deny

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Posted

you know i think this could have been avoided all together if you had acted more responsibly, i'f you got to the point where the alcohol started to make you feel worse than better than you should stopped drinking there. You certainly shouldn't have let it get to the point where you were so intoxicated where you couldn't act upon a possible rape situation then you should stopped drinking hold your composure and this doesn't happen. that's just my 2 cents

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Posted

if i was the dude i would just deny deny deny

you guys are neg repping me for this?  i was just letting her know what would happen so she could plan for it and not get flustered!!!! jesus some people are so dumb.

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Posted

tsk tsk. This is why I don't drink at all. It makes you vunerable, even around people you trust.

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