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I had an affair with a married pastor – part II?

mayanuumayanuu Posts: 6Member
edited November 2011 in love & relationships
I posted about this before (several times actually) under different aliases, so before you point your fingers and accuse me of being a troll/faker/whatever, know that I did come to Soompi for advice before ... so it's not just a repeat troll story.

This isn't so much as me asking for advice as it is venting ... and well, if you can tell me I'm f**king retarded, that will help too. I need to feel bad enough about myself because I did everything wrong in this case.

To summarize what I mentioned before in my old post – I fell for my married church pastor and we ended up together for a year and half or so. During this time, I felt a lot of guilt and anger at myself. I was constantly blaming myself for everything (from his becoming a liar, to being a homewrecker, etc.) Of course, this is not to say that I'm not at fault, because I'm certainly aware that I did a lot of f**ked up Richard Simmons – sneaking around, lying, etc. It also really hurt me because I was close with his family (children & wife) and I completely and singlehandedly destroyed that relationship. At some point in our relationship, I broke up with him because I was feeling so awful. The next day, he came to me and begged me to take him back. So I did.

Keep in mind that he was my first everything – my first serious relationship, my first love, and he was also the person I lost my virginity to. (I'm a college student; he's 20 years older than me.) Anyway, he told me he loved me, and I seriously believed we were in love with each other. At the same time, I couldn't ask him to leave his wife and family – it would've been too selfish on my part; I knew if he did, he would lose everything for me, and I wasn't sure if I could let him do that. I had my doubts. From, "If he loved me, he would leave her!" to "He tells her the same things," and so forth. It tormented me and tortured me that while I was sleeping alone in my bed every night, they were curled around each other, maybe making love or whispering sweet nothings to each other late at night.

It hurt. I won't lie. I cried and yelled, threw fits and literally beat myself up every day. While this relationship wasn't a healthy one, I was completely infatuated with him and was unable to see past anything. He was perfect, or as perfect as could be. Tall, handsome, utterly charming – those honey-brown eyes and his perfect smile got me every time. He was patient, kind, and understanding. He never forgot important days, kept in contact with me constantly, and never hesitated to tell me how beautiful I was or how much I meant to him. He told me he loved me every day and that I was the girl of his dreams. Every. Single. Day.

What struck me the most was that in previous relationships, even with guys older than I, fights were simply unbearable. With him, however, fights were simple. I b***hed him out for stupid Richard Simmons, and he took it. He didn't fight back, but waited until I was calm before pacifying me with his love and tenderness. Somehow, along the way of all this, I convinced myself we were going to get married. Before you say anything, yeah, it was stupid. But I'm a stupid college freshman, a stupid girl. That's okay. I'm slowly getting over that obstacle, that hurdle.

Well, of course, we were too careless. His wife found some messages I had sent him and went ballistic. She forbid him from contacting me and asked him several times for a divorce. His entire household was in turmoil for months. I remained, guilty from what I had done and yet hopeless to the pleas of my heart. Every time my mind told me to let it go, that I had f**ked up things badly enough, my heart stopped me. "You love him! He loves you! That's all you need!" At the same time, I was tortured by the fact that he rejected her desire to get a divorce. I stressed myself out and worried away and suffered because while I was feeling like Richard Simmons and completely low, he was feeling worse. It hurt me that I had completely f**ked up his life. I had known this would be the consequence all along, but I had chosen to ignore it. So now, I had to suffer.

After all this, we stopped talking. I guess this is the point where we kind of "separated" but had not quite broken it off completely. He sent me gifts in the mail – my favorite candy, notes, etc. I remember in one of the notes he mentioned that he cared for me deeply. It was stuff like that that kept me on my toes, that kept me keen on him. We stayed like that, in this strange "relationship" for months. No physical contact, no talking, nothing.

We saw each other a few weeks ago, and he had left his phone on the table while he left the room for a minute. It vibrated – text message – so I looked at it. I had a morbid curiosity about his life; did he talk to other girls like me? Did he tell them the same things?

The text was from his wife. I ended up looking through their entire conversation thread, and the entire thing was composed of them saying stuff about how much they loved each other ... but it was mostly coming from him.

Needless to say, I was f**king pissed. Here I was, worrying my Richard Simmons off about how his entire life was going to fall apart because of me, and everything was f**king hunky dory in his house again. Also, he had told me on several occasions (including that very day) that I was the love of his life and "his girl." Bullsh*t! So I broke up with him. I wrote him a really harsh letter and basically told him to go f**k himself. I never expected to hear from him again.

Of course, I check my damn mailbox today, and he sent me a letter, chocolates, and band-aids. The note says, "If only I could put these band-aids on all your hurt ... I'm sorry, but I love you." I know he expects me to go running back to him, and I'm tempted to. I love him ... or maybe it's not love. Either way, I'm crazy about this guy. He's the only person I've ever been completely serious about. I'm not going to run back to him ... I'm not ...

Why is he so god damn selfish? Why couldn't he leave it alone? Why does he have to come running back to me every time? I don't understand him. I don't understand men.



  • lil_mysticlil_mystic Sydney, AustraliaPosts: 393Member


    These things take time to get over, so please don't beat yourself over it. What you did was utterly wrong in the first place but it's not like we can help how we feel and control everything we do. Humans are imperfect for many reasons; to grow and learn from their mistakes, become wiser and to make more rationalise decisions. It's a good thing you chose to walk away from that situation though (better late than never?). Don't look back, it'll only hurt you more. Look forward with a strong determination and confidence that you are better off without him. That you deserve better and no one should treat you like you're second best. I'm going to say this anyway and you've probably heard it a dozen times, but there really are better fishes out there. This one just wasn't meant to be yours.

    ~ Betty
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  • pupluvgurlpupluvgurl Posts: 402Member


    edited November 2011
    Well since you know about all the lies and dishonesty, put a complete end to it. Tell him to stop sending you gifts, tell him to stop leading you on when obviously its going nowhere and tell him to grow up. The relationship is not healthy for you and I'm surprised that a church pastor can have the conscience to do such things -_-

    Put him straight and cut off all contact. Seriously it'll be worth it for you in the long run. You'll find better guys that will treat you right and won't go around juggling an affair and marriage and lying to both parties. Stay strong, you sound kind of unsure of yourself, love yourself more!!
  • OneSongOneSong Posts: 269Member
    No use crying over spilled milk now. Just wipe up the milk and learn not to spill it agian.

    He is selfish because he knows he can be selfish, he knows you will run back to him or spill the milk again. You have to face the facts and learn to accept them instead of living in that bubble that he will change/he still loves you/etc. You deserve a lot better and remember, there are no winners or losers in a relationship, you both committed to something equally at fault and there is no fault in having your feelings for him. Just realize the consequences/picture you may have in the future if you decide to go back to him. Humans tend to be less rational when they are in a very emotional state. Take a deep breath and think things through. Good luck! =D
  • taaaaaytaaaaay exitclosed Posts: 590Member


    edited November 2011
    Sorry to be mean, but I think this is "karma." If he was the type of person who was willing to cheat on his family for you, then you should have expected that he could easily one day leave you too. As already said, you should cut off contact with him completely. He has already proven himself to be a cheater, liar, and didn't own up to his mistakes by refusing to divorce his wife. Why would you be with someone like that? He's unwilling to fully commit to you because he knows that you'll always be there for him, even if he reconciles with his wife. Don't be his doll to play around with; please leave him so that you can find a better, deserving guy.

    Edit: I feel even less sympathetic towards you seeing how this is already the second time you're asking for advice regarding the married pastor on Soompi. I'm willing to bet that the first time you posted here, everyone already told you to LEAVE HIM. It doesn't matter if you love him or not, but being involved with a cheating man is already all sorts of bad - and I can assure you everyone will tell you the same thing over and over again. I realize that since you're the one asking for advice, you can choose to follow it or not. But please consider the reason you're asking for this advice again and the reason everyone keeps posting the same things. I think after you've contemplated this fact, you will finally listen to us and choose what is right for the family and for you.
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  • PinkWafflesPinkWaffles Posts: 321Member
    edited November 2011
    This sounds like a one-way ticket straight to hell.

    Please help yourself and get out of this ugly situation.  
    In the end, you are the only one that will look bad in the eyes of everyone in your neighborhood, church community, etc.  
    And trust me: married men will never leave their wives and if so, it's extremely rare that they ever will act on it.
    (Going by what you said about him and his wife; yeah, it doesn't sound like he wants to leave her.  He's just messing around with you because he can't keep his d!ck in his pants.)

    Part of his job is to be: "sweet, kind, and understanding"- he's a pastor- it should be second nature to him to act this way (whether he means it or not).  Don't be fooled, it's just a hollow show.  And not too sure of the details since I didn't read your 'Part I' of the story but, sounds like he's not fit to be a pastor and should be stripped of this title.  He's suppose to speak and spread the words of God and the Bible, not sleeping around with young ladies.  He's obviously more interested in: cheating, lying and being an utter Richard Simmons bag to his family rather than spreading Gods love/word.

    Even if he decided to stay with you and divorce his wife, what makes you think he won't do the same to you?  Men who cheat will always cheat- regardless of their title, status, etc.  Another point would be that everyone you and your pastor know will eventually get the story of the situation and it will make the both of you look bad anyways. He can forget about being a pastor and you can forget about having a social life.

    Also, if he does leave you- you're already the town harlot.  Do you honestly think for a moment that he'll jeopardize his career and family over you? No way.  More than likely, he'll blame everything on you.  

    Either way, you're screwed so before more damage is done- just let it fade out and die.  
    Let this be a lesson not to mess with married men or be tempted by them.
    Always have faith in yourself and carry on with dignity; then Richard Simmons bag guys like him won't be able to mess with you (and you not fall for them).

    I truly hope things get better for you because this is not a good place to be, ever.

    Good luck and stay strong<3
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  • ddceeddcee canadaPosts: 1,776Member


    What a pastor he is...

    Sorry but I'm not adult.. but I've been the "kid" in these situations because of my dad's stupidity and actions.. his promiscuity with other women that has driven me to *dislike * him. I mean if his children were to find out about these texts.... I can tell you how they would react :/ 

    I feel that if he were to truly love you, he would not be telling his wife that he loves her etc... because it seems like he has his wife&family and you at opposite ends of a string.. slowly tugging one end closer when he feels like it. 
    Even if you guys were in love.. and got married.... he could be doing the exact same things behind your back.. texting other girls, leading them on. 
    Like you said.. college freshman right?! I'm SURE you can do SO much better without this guy in your life.. because my mom always tells me that older guys who hunt on younger girls are only using them for their privileges.. I'm not sure if that's true or not .. but I rather not find out.

    It kinda sounds like he's only toying you around :( .... 
  • iced.cappuccinoiced.cappuccino Posts: 17Member
    The truth of the matter is, men will never leave their wives for someone on the side.  Even if the love is so great, their wife will always mean more to them.  They share a greater bond.  Unless his wife did something for him to want to divorce her, the chances of that happening was pretty much slim to none.  Whenever anyone is stuck in a relationship like this, they tend to try to believe that things will swing their way, even when they see no hints of that happening.  This keeps them trapped in a prolonging situation with no end until someone is strong enough to cut it off.
  • WeststreetWeststreet Posts: 62Member
    Wow.. nice example of good christian..
    This is one of the reason why some people do not want to be christian. I am pretty disappointed. Anyways, i hope you can get out of your mess. Plus, you deserve better so please stop meeting that pastor.
  • KujoKujo Posts: 59Member
    You needa get outta that crap.

    And please, tell someone else in higher authority about him.
    They will probably respect their privacy.
    If your story's true, he should probably be reevaluated and possibly even let go as a pastor.

  • IWBAB2020IWBAB2020 Posts: 181Member
    edited November 2011
    Well, your case is typical. The older, cheated men more than likely will NEVER divorce their wives for the mistress. They almost always come back to the wives. So I am not surprised he will not divorce his wife for you. I think he used you for sex, excitement that he felt while dating a young made him feel young again so he clinged to that. This is the reason why older men cheated with younger women, they are in middle-aged, dating a young woman makes them feel refreshed & younger. This "wonderful" feeling is NOT love...though these cheated men will mistakenly think it is so but it is NOT true! When you love someone, you don't treat them as second class citizen. These cheated men don't love neither their mistresses nor the wives, but actually only love themselves....

    You made the biggest mistake of your life ...IF you realize it, you must be a good person & move on for good, leaving that family alone. You don't want him to divorce his wife either because you will not be able to live happily knowing you have destroyed a family. More importantly, you should move on to show yourself you have self-respect & moral. The sooner you realize yourself value & self-respect, the sooner you can move on. Forget the word LOVE, love is not a good excuse to destroy people family, especially when there are children involved. You should love yourself first by moving on give yourself time to heal from this horrible mistake and hopefully in the future you'll be able to forgive yourself and find your own true happiness again.
  • INFPINFP Posts: 181Member
    Weststreet wrote on 11 November 2011 - 12:50 AM:

    Wow.. nice example of good christian..This is one of the reason why some people do not want to be christian. I am pretty disappointed. Anyways, i hope you can get out of your mess. Plus, you deserve better so please stop meeting that pastor.

    Samud wrote on 11 November 2011 - 03:56 AM:

    I need to become a member of your church asap. Plz pm me do I can move there immediatley. I need to learn some of what he teaching can I get a amen hallelujah!

    dat trollin
  • writerstalewriterstale WAPosts: 4,876Member


    As I'm about to post I can just feel the negatives coming along, but Andrea if you read this. Stories like these are a good reason why nice guys finish last. Unfortunately it pays to be an a**hole in today's times if you're a guy. More importantly to the OP what was going through your head as you and the guy were messing around?
  • pupluvgurlpupluvgurl Posts: 402Member


    ^Yeah it can be used as a example but NOT a generalization. Stop generalizing, nice guys don't always finish last. Similarly jerks don't always get the girls -_-
  • angels.disguiseangels.disguise Posts: 1,846Member
    I don't know what you want us to say. You've done wrong and now you're paying for the consequences. So yeah, mistakes happen. Brush yourself off and move on. I'm not surprised you and his wife haven't left him altogether though, he sounds sugary sweet, knowing the right things to do & say. "Love of my life" my butt.

    I don't think a man leaving his family for his mistress is an appealing thought.
  • writerstalewriterstale WAPosts: 4,876Member


    edited November 2011
    pupluvgurl wrote on 12 November 2011 - 12:58 PM:

    ^Yeah it can be used as a example but NOT a generalization. Stop generalizing, nice guys don't always finish last. Similarly jerks don't always get the girls -_-

    In today's times it pays to be a jerk. I've seen the proof over and over again as I used to try to deny it. It's almost as if women don't want it broadcasted that you have to be an entertaining jerk to succeed? I'm not looking for controversy. I'm not looking to be bashed nor am I looking for sympathy. I'm just speaking what I know to be true. This isn't something I'm making up. I've had other men lately telling me nice guys do finish last. I've been wondering why is that? Why do you have to mistreat someone to succeed? It's not generalizing. If it doesn't apply to you then why be offended?
  • NaughtyDogNaughtyDog &rea Posts: 3,089Member


    edited November 2011
    donporkuloin wrote on 12 November 2011 - 01:51 PM:

    In today's times it pays to be a jerk. I've seen the proof over and over again as I used to try to deny it. It's almost as if women don't want it broadcasted that you have to be an entertaining jerk to succeed? I'm not looking for controversy. I'm not looking to be bashed nor am I looking for sympathy. I'm just speaking what I know to be true. This isn't something I'm making up. I've had other men lately telling me nice guys do finish last. I've been wondering why is that? Why do you have to mistreat someone to succeed? It's not generalizing. If it doesn't apply to you then why be offended?

    I've pretty much told you what I thought about "nice guys finishing last" a while ago, but I'll quote myself just to remind you what I think.

    &rea wrote on 01 August 2011 - 12:36 PM:

    I'm seriously sick of hearing this phrase. Whenever I hear it I can't help but imagine a pity party and think that these guys are butthurt that one, two, or three girls have rejected them. How can you say that nice guys finish last when you haven't even reached the finish line yet?

    So what if a girl rejected you? I understand that it hurts, but it doesn't mean you've finished last. Did the guy who ended up with her and broke up with her after 3 months finish first? Do you give up every time in a race when someone passes you? No, you keep trying until you reach that finish line.

    What you have to realize is that you're the only one in this race and you're not competing with anyone but yourself. So what if most of your friends have had girlfriends and you still haven't had a girlfriend when you're in high school, in university, already working in the job field or you're past your 30's? Unless you're alone the day you pass away, then you haven't finished last.

    Come back in 30 years and let me know if you've still "finished last".

    Do you still believe that this pastor beat you in the 'race'? No offense to the OP, but would you even want to be with a girl like that in the end? You seem to have this idea that all girls are good and we're just suckered in by the wrong guys/jerks, but to put it frankly, some girls are jerks too. If that's the case then chances are that the ones who keep picking the jerks aren't the types of girls you want to bring home to your mother and end up with forever anyway.

    For the last time: Nice guys don't finish last.
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  • HERMITHERMIT Posts: 10,642Friend of Soompi


    edited November 2011
    + 1000 to &rea's post.

    I'd like to add that nice guys may finish last - but they at least finish and their relationships arguably last.
    Meanwhile, critics may not finish at all if all they do is get too bogged down observing and being constantly critical of the "race".
    In the game of love, I'm afraid you can't categorically assert that there has to be a set of rules to assure 'fairness'.

    Once you realize and accept this, you can get past what everyone else is doing and just focus and concentrate on what you feel philosophically works best for you and how you want to do things. But what I'm fearing for you don is that you are slowly slipping from actually being that "nice guy" you feel you portray and inadverantly becoming more like that "jaded and emotionally skeptical" guy that's been impacted by one too many negative encounters when new girls come to meet and get acquainted with you. Whether you like it or not, girls can sniff out this subliminal negativity and ultimately get this unappealling vibe from you. You might not have consciously considered this but maybe this is why you personally aren't having the "success" you want to have with girls. Of course, I don't know you from jack - but judging from the viewpoints you're coming with in the history of your prior posts, I can hope you can objectively understand how I could logically come to making this kind of speculation. If you think I'm wrong, so be it. I hope you take it not so much that I'm trying to bag on you or anything but as some food for thought.
  • sussus AussiE lANdPosts: 3,213Member
    sounds like hes playing u
    want to have his wife and a young sweet girl
    basically i think ur really young and got manipulated by him~

    where are ur morals. why didnt u stop it b4 it got to far...
    neways no point going bak to him as 1 hes NOT going to leave his wife
    and 2 hes gonna make u miserable

    there are so mani guys out there that could treat u so much better
    dun get suxed in by gifts and sweet words...
  • ilmilioneilmilione Posts: 305Member


    Sorry to be extremely blunt but... I have 0 sympathy for you. As the kid of a father that cheated on my mom, I've seen first-hand just how bad this kind of thing not only affects the marriage but also the kids. Did you ever think of the kids you were impacting in all this? Seriously, you may have been 18 or a college freshman, but your disregard for them because you wanted some guy's attention screams "needy" and "low self esteem" to me. I wish I could feel bad for you, but I don't. You knew he was married and had kids. The fact that you got involved with him in the first place is bad enough, but you kept going back to him even after you knew how bad it was. Why? Because he kept asking you to and because he made you feel good? You sound really john teshed in the head, to be honest. The fact that you're not willing to take as much responsibility for it as you should also proves just how irrational you are.

    I won't even get started on him. He's disgusting and why you would be attracted to someone willing to cheat on their wife for you makes no sense to me. A man that cheats on someone for you will cheat on you and is shady, PERIOD.

    Good luck with yourself. If you have any self-respect left, you'll stop talking to him, grow a backbone, and grow the hell up. I don't care if I get negged for this, this is the wake up call you need. I've heard way too many stories about girls like you who blame others for their constant negative relationships. There are women out there who are compelled to do this kind of thing or have no way out, it's them I feel bad for, not people like you who have the choice to stop it. 
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