I posted about this before (several times actually) under different aliases, so before you point your fingers and accuse me of being a troll/faker/whatever, know that I did come to Soompi for advice before ... so it's not just a repeat troll story.
This isn't so much as me asking for advice as it is venting ... and well, if you can tell me I'm f**king retarded, that will help too. I need to feel bad enough about myself because I did everything wrong in this case.
To summarize what I mentioned before in my old post – I fell for my married church pastor and we ended up together for a year and half or so. During this time, I felt a lot of guilt and anger at myself. I was constantly blaming myself for everything (from his becoming a liar, to being a homewrecker, etc.) Of course, this is not to say that I'm not at fault, because I'm certainly aware that I did a lot of f**ked up Richard Simmons – sneaking around, lying, etc. It also really hurt me because I was close with his family (children & wife) and I completely and singlehandedly destroyed that relationship. At some point in our relationship, I broke up with him because I was feeling so awful. The next day, he came to me and begged me to take him back. So I did.
Keep in mind that he was my first everything – my first serious relationship, my first love, and he was also the person I lost my virginity to. (I'm a college student; he's 20 years older than me.) Anyway, he told me he loved me, and I seriously believed we were in love with each other. At the same time, I couldn't ask him to leave his wife and family – it would've been too selfish on my part; I knew if he did, he would lose everything for me, and I wasn't sure if I could let him do that. I had my doubts. From, "If he loved me, he would leave her!" to "He tells her the same things," and so forth. It tormented me and tortured me that while I was sleeping alone in my bed every night, they were curled around each other, maybe making love or whispering sweet nothings to each other late at night.
It hurt. I won't lie. I cried and yelled, threw fits and literally beat myself up every day. While this relationship wasn't a healthy one, I was completely infatuated with him and was unable to see past anything. He was perfect, or as perfect as could be. Tall, handsome, utterly charming – those honey-brown eyes and his perfect smile got me every time. He was patient, kind, and understanding. He never forgot important days, kept in contact with me constantly, and never hesitated to tell me how beautiful I was or how much I meant to him. He told me he loved me every day and that I was the girl of his dreams. Every. Single. Day.
What struck me the most was that in previous relationships, even with guys older than I, fights were simply unbearable. With him, however, fights were simple. I b***hed him out for stupid Richard Simmons, and he took it. He didn't fight back, but waited until I was calm before pacifying me with his love and tenderness. Somehow, along the way of all this, I convinced myself we were going to get married. Before you say anything, yeah, it was stupid. But I'm a stupid college freshman, a stupid girl. That's okay. I'm slowly getting over that obstacle, that hurdle.
Well, of course, we were too careless. His wife found some messages I had sent him and went ballistic. She forbid him from contacting me and asked him several times for a divorce. His entire household was in turmoil for months. I remained, guilty from what I had done and yet hopeless to the pleas of my heart. Every time my mind told me to let it go, that I had f**ked up things badly enough, my heart stopped me. "You love him! He loves you! That's all you need!" At the same time, I was tortured by the fact that he rejected her desire to get a divorce. I stressed myself out and worried away and suffered because while I was feeling like Richard Simmons and completely low, he was feeling worse. It hurt me that I had completely f**ked up his life. I had known this would be the consequence all along, but I had chosen to ignore it. So now, I had to suffer.
After all this, we stopped talking. I guess this is the point where we kind of "separated" but had not quite broken it off completely. He sent me gifts in the mail – my favorite candy, notes, etc. I remember in one of the notes he mentioned that he cared for me deeply. It was stuff like that that kept me on my toes, that kept me keen on him. We stayed like that, in this strange "relationship" for months. No physical contact, no talking, nothing.
We saw each other a few weeks ago, and he had left his phone on the table while he left the room for a minute. It vibrated – text message – so I looked at it. I had a morbid curiosity about his life; did he talk to other girls like me? Did he tell them the same things?
The text was from his wife. I ended up looking through their entire conversation thread, and the entire thing was composed of them saying stuff about how much they loved each other ... but it was mostly coming from him.
Needless to say, I was f**king pissed. Here I was, worrying my Richard Simmons off about how his entire life was going to fall apart because of me, and everything was f**king hunky dory in his house again. Also, he had told me on several occasions (including that very day) that I was the love of his life and "his girl." Bullsh*t! So I broke up with him. I wrote him a really harsh letter and basically told him to go f**k himself. I never expected to hear from him again.
Of course, I check my damn mailbox today, and he sent me a letter, chocolates, and band-aids. The note says, "If only I could put these band-aids on all your hurt ... I'm sorry, but I love you." I know he expects me to go running back to him, and I'm tempted to. I love him ... or maybe it's not love. Either way, I'm crazy about this guy. He's the only person I've ever been completely serious about. I'm not
going to run back to him ... I'm not ...
Why is he so god damn selfish? Why couldn't he leave it alone? Why does he have to come running back to me every time? I don't understand him. I don't understand men.