Current girlfriend not putting an effort towards my family

Hello everyone, so I've been dating my s/o for about 8 months now and something that's been bothering me so darn much is the fact that she is not trying to get to know my family. I know she's dating me and not my family, and many people are going to think/reply that. However, it's to a point where it's a problem. A few things to note regarding her is that she states that she is a shy person and that it takes a while for her to open up to people. Which is understandable, I don't place pressure for her to get to know them. I would imagine it'll be like a month or two would be more than sufficient for the ice to break. Anyways, it begins with how my immediate family is fairly big considering I have 4 older sisters and then my parents. I'm the youngest of the 5 children and a few of the sisters have kids of their own. My family is very nice to guests and especially with welcoming anyone that is new in my life. They gave good first impressions so it did not seem like they would be the type of people that aren't approachable. Everyone liked her as they knew I moved on from a bad 5 year relationship to something fresh. You can read about that relationship here: http://forums.soompi.com/en/discussion/2022771/a-really-big-mess-of-a-5-year-relationship-what-to-do-at-the-end#latest The main issue is whenever there is a family gathering, there seems to be some reluctance to attend any of the events from her. By chance that she does attend, she will ONLY play with the children and never engage in any talks or conversations with any of my family. My family gives many chances to get to know her by constantly inviting her to all their events. There was once a case a few months back where she did not even want to sit on the same table with my family to eat dinner. It bothered me so much that I had to approach her to explain how I am extremely bothered by this behavior. I had told her that I understand she is shy and that there are going to be moments where things should be managed differently. It's rude and dissrespectful towards the family for her to do something like that. Upon telling her this, she starts picking a fight with me and throwing a fit by saying how I'm pressuring her and how she won't change. I manage to calm her down and we spoke about it a little time after this. i stated that there should be efforts place in getting to know my family and such. She agreed and I carefully watched for the next event or gathering to see if there were going to be any changes in what she was going to do. So more recently, I did see her talk to one of my sisters for a few minutes and she went back to play with my nieces and nephews. Okay, a slight improvement. She did try this time. However, another event comes by where she just runs over and plays with the children again and total disregard for my family once again. I totally understand she needs time to break the ice and so on, but it's been 8 MONTHS.. I don't understand what's the major issue with placing an effort. I'm taking her seriously in this relationship and I really love it when my significant other is close towards my family. She virtually has no conversations with my parents either. What should I do at this point? I tried speaking to her again but it leads to a fight about how she does try and how I don't see it. I tried to just include her to talks I have with my family but it doesn't work. My family doesn't know or have any idea who I am dating because they know nothing about her. I really like this girl and I really want this to work out between us. My personality is completely different as Ive been placing a lot of effort towards her family by getting to know them from day 1 of dating her. I'm frustrated and annoyed at how she's unwilling to change.

you guys are not going to get married, I think that's pretty obvious, just have fun while it lasts.

Your girlfriend reminds me exactly of my friend's girlfriend; not making an effort to converse with adults and only hang around with the kids. My friend always claims that his girlfriend is shy, and has an immature mindset for her age {now 28}. Your girlfriend probably doesn't even know what to say around your family members, it's definitely more of a maturity mindset problem than shyness. She probably has a difficult time relating to your family members, and when you place her next to one of them, she doesn't know what to talk about, therefore feels really uncomfortable/awkward around them. It's really hard to change someone's mindset, the way they think, and she's probably right it's hard for her to change even if she wanted to; people just don't become mature overnight, it's a process that takes dedication and time.

If you really love her as much as you claim, you should be patient. People who are shy/or insecure takes a long time to open up {could take years}, instead you can try to say/do things to help make her a more confident person first; try to always be positive and make her feel good about herself {not the delusional type}, hopefully gradually she'll come out of her shell and be more active in approaching your family members. When you're talking to her, the quality of your conversions also gives a hint to how mature she is, and how well she would be able to communicate with your family as well. Did you ever asked her why she doesn't talk to your family as much as you hoped?

Of course, you can do your best to accommodate every quality your girlfriend has and hope for better as well, but reality is, some has motive/determination to do better, some just doesn't, and for the one that doesn't it is hard to hope that they'll change for the better when they refuse to change in the first place. People are who they are; you can tell them all these philosophies, but they might never be able to absorb that in and you'll be back to square one. If everyone acknowledges what their weakness are and tries to improve, theoretically we would all converge to have one type of "perfect" personality, but that's not how reality is. Point is, you just have to accept what she is for now and give it time, 8 months isn't really a long period of time; my friend's girlfriend knows his family for years {I don't even know exactly how many years myself, probably 4yrs+} and she still has a problem communicating with his parents, but he still loves her and still sees a future for them. You have to weigh out what matters most to you, and work with the little flaws. When a relationship isn't what you've hoped for, it's not just your bf/gf's fault, you also chose to be with that person; so essentially both parties has some sort of responsibility. The type of girlfriends that can easily communicate with your family members are the ones who are more mature; the more mature they are, the easier the talk, they'll always have something to say and know what to say/do. Maturity is more of a mental concept than how they act physically, people can be cheerful and bubbly and yet can be very mature at the same time as soon as you hear them speak you'll realize that. 

Yeah, I understand that maturity plays a major role. There seems to be a gap between our levels of maturity the further the relationship has gone by. It was not as noticeable before hand and it's becoming a problem. I tried to praise her efforts before but it fails to do anything positive. It actually led to an argument one time. I know its difficult to change anyone's personality. However, the way I view this is if she loves me enough or cares about the relationship enough, something would be done. I forgot to mention how I did try to weigh out what matters to me and family does matter quite a lot. They are fairly young so the conversations that they have, she is able to contribute. But the choices she's making is really making everything going downhill. It's to a point where everyone thinks I'm dating someone that is stuck up. More recently, She won't even attend my college graduation because she finds it "awkward" to be around my parents and one of my siblings. I'll be patient with her but I honestly can't be with someone who won't change after a certain time. I know exactly what I want and if she won't change, she isn't who I imagine spending any more time with.

@rxjay studies have shown that the lower the IQ & EQ difference between couples, the more stable, higher probability of a long-lasting relationship. And I think that really makes sense, because when two people understand each other's need and know how they think, the less likely they'll run into conflict. I understand your frustration, sometimes no matter how much we like someone, if they're not compatible with us and can't see a common future/or long-term goal, then that relationship isn't likely to work out. I hate it too when someone uses their flaws as part of the 'I'm just like that' or 'just be yourself' excuse for not willing to make a change. But the important thing is that you do know what you want, and know what choices you have to make in order to find the best partner suited for you in the future. From the looks of it, if you're more mature and her maturity level is way below yours it is not likely that she'll change the way you hope, because in her mind she probably doesn't even fully understand what the problem is, or see how big of an issue this can be. It is really frustrating to have conversations with someone with a big maturity gap. All I can say is wish you the best of luck, you sound more rational than emotional when it comes to this, which is always great, where you don't let your emotions cloud your judgment for what you really want. A lot of couples who are too emotionally attached, even though have problems can never make the brave move to let go, then they'll run into more problems in the future.

I think that maybe your girlfriend is scared of what your family might think of her. Adults tend to be very judgmental. I know whenever I see my childhood friends' parents and they're addressing me, I still get all awkward and shy. Even if people are nice to your face, they'll talk crap behind your back.

I know my sisters well enough that they would have some opinion about her, but they would not just talk smack behind her back for no apparent reason. It's true that she might be scared to speak with them but I believe this usually occurs during the beginning of meeting them. There has been so many events and countless opportunities given to her to place an effort. We are both adults as well, early twenties.. I understand that age doesn't measure maturity level. However, I do understand if there is a relationship, there should be a compromise or a common ground that we could form for problems such as these. But her inability and stubbornness is really ruining our relationship.

I know this problem as one of my friends is the same. But I don't think it is her problem, It is because of the environment and childhood she received from her parents. I can't blame your girlfriend as she doesn't feel comfortable around adults. You shouldn't try to force her either if you really love her. You should discuss it very gently and be patient. You should request your sisters to make effort to be more friendly with her. It takes a lot of effort for shy persons to talk to new people. I think your family needs to help you and put some effort in making her more comfortable around them.  

Glaydays said: I know this problem as one of my friends is the same. But I don't think it is her problem, It is because of the environment and childhood she received from her parents. I can't blame your girlfriend as she doesn't feel comfortable around adults. You shouldn't try to force her either if you really love her. You should discuss it very gently and be patient. You should request your sisters to make effort to be more friendly with her. It takes a lot of effort for shy persons to talk to new people. I think your family needs to help you and put some effort in making her more comfortable around them.  

You are placing pressure on her to get to know your immediate family. I think when it comes to shy people, you really just can't push them. They need to go at their own pace in opening up to others and getting comfortable around them. This is how she is, it's her personality and she can't change how she is around people. I think 8 months is still a very short amount of time to fully be open to so many "strangers", she's probably just intimidated and + with the pressure to form a relationship with them,  it really just exacerbates things. I think she is trying her best by attending these events, she can easily decline and avoid your family all together, but her accepting means she is trying. I think all she needs is your support and understanding of how she is in these social situations. I feel like she will get along with her family over time, but please don't expect anything out of her. I think by saying that it's been over 8 months and she SHOULD be at a certain comfort level with your family is just making things worse since you've put an expectation on her. Try to let things flow and grow naturally. 8 months is actually a very short amount of time (to me at least).
I'm just like your girlfriend, shy and reserved, and you and your family sound just like my boyfriend and his side of the family (big and likes to throw parties), so I completely understand how your girlfriend is feeling. Although I never got the pressure from my own boyfriend to try to form a immediate bond to his family, I understand how uncomfortable she feels in your family gatherings. I grew up in a small family that likes to keep to ourselves, and so going to my boyfriend's family's events was a completely different and new experience for me. I actually don't like going to huge events, I prefer small intimate gatherings, but I still go out of respect. After almost 5 years together with my bf, I'm STILL not 100% comfortable with his immediate family and I don't talk to them much at all when I sleep over, and I sleep over a few times a week. I'm even more uncomfortable when his whole family has events, I just keep at my boyfriend's side and usually only talk to him. He laughs at me but knows I'm uncomfortable and just lets me be, but tries to include me in whatever his family is doing at the event. I really think things can get better if you accept her more for how she is, and not put any expectations on her in terms of bonding with your family. It could happen over time, but there's also a possibility she would never be as comfortable as you would like her to be even after years of dating. If it really bothers you so much, maybe she isn't the one for you.

I know that she might feel "pressured" when I address the problem, but I didn't threaten to leave or force her to form a relationship with them. I had given her freedom of choice to do what she thinks fits for the problem to be solved. It is her choices that will effect the relationship and how I will feel. I told her whatever you choose to do, you should understand how it will cause an effect towards us and the consequences that will come about from the actions you make. I spoke to her about a problem like any couple should do when there is something that bothers them. The secondary issue is the fact that she is not willing to admit that there is a problem and actively do something about it. If there is an issue that bothers your significant other, are you not suppose to try to resolve it? That may need you to adjust or fine tune something and change so that the other person can be happier so the relationship can remain stable. I am able to do so for her whenever she told me "hey I don't like it when you do this or that.. etc." It is not immediate, but I work on it to the best of my ability. So what is stopping her from doing the same? So what does it really come down to? I honestly feel like in a sense she's not taking me as serious as I am taking her in this relationship. I understand it takes Time and I intend to give that to her. I plan on having one more talk with her and giving her time to show me differently. After I see the results, it will only leave me two choices to either leave or if she really applies an effort (more than just showing up to an event) to stay in this relationship.   

@rxjay

I think you should read your first post again

1) "I don't place pressure for her to get to know them"

Do you really think so?

2) "I carefully watched for the next event or gathering to see if there were going to be any changes in what she was going to do"

You don't have to keep a spotlight on her. At least she is attending these event and trying. I think this is a little excessive and possessive

3) "it's been 8 MONTHS"

Exactly. Only 8 months

4) "I really love it when my significant other is close towards my family" + "My personality is completely different as Ive been placing a lot of effort towards her family by getting to know them from day 1 of dating her"

Looks like this is all about you. Maybe she has different priorities in a relationship in the time being. I understand family is important to you but have you thought about what is important to her and how you guys can find a better balance in your relationship?

5) "I'm frustrated and annoyed at how she's unwilling to change."

It's clear you would want your girlfriend to engage with your family more. That's fine. However, it looks like your unwillingness to change is evident too

If your family asks about her behavior, be a good partner and explain to them that it is a little difficult at the moment to have family conversations together. Also stop forcing and pressuring her if you want this relationship to work.

You don't have to reply back with a rebuttal. Just think about what I wrote

rxjay said: I know my sisters well enough that they would have some opinion about her, but they would not just talk smack behind her back for no apparent reason. It's true that she might be scared to speak with them but I believe this usually occurs during the beginning of meeting them. There has been so many events and countless opportunities given to her to place an effort. We are both adults as well, early twenties.. I understand that age doesn't measure maturity level. However, I do understand if there is a relationship, there should be a compromise or a common ground that we could form for problems such as these. But her inability and stubbornness is really ruining our relationship.

Dude this is just her personality. You really just need to realize that she will talk to your family when she isn't shy anymore and she's warmed up to them. Some people are just shy like that. I can be shy sometimes and I hate being the center of attention. I hate it so much that Im not even going to my own college graduation. Your gf is not like you. Some people are really shy like that. I will say one thing you can't change who she is. You can try and make her act out of her personality but if shes set in her ways it won't work out. You can try but it won't work. I do understand this issue is very important to you too though.

IDK maybe your gf comes from a small family or she shies away from adults. So she hangs round kids more...I mean I totally get that LoL 'cause adults can be a pain to talk to. Pressuring her won't help matters either. I think it's a step in a positive direction that she at least comes to these family gatherings. 

I think you are doing the right thing by letting her know what you find important in a calm and clear way. You sound like you try your best to explain things as precisely as you can, so you won't try to upset her, but it sounds like she twists your words to start an argument, and honestly, she might just make it seem like she feels "attacked" because she knows what she's doing wrong, but for whatever reason, she won't change, and can't figure out another way to "defend" herself when you bring it up, so she wants to make it seem like it's really your fault (i.e., she's picking a fight with you out of guilt). I'm not saying she's wrong or messed up; it happens, and I think everyone has, at some point in their lives, done that. It's like an inherent, subtle defense mechanism that people turn to when they can't think of anything else at the moment.
8 months doesn't sound very long, but after getting into a relationship myself, I know that it sure does feel long, and while other people might think it's still too short, only you and your girlfriend know your relationship and its pacing best.
Honestly, I think this is just a difference between you two, and I hate to say it, but if she's unwilling to change her efforts (note how I'm not saying she should change herself), then she might just not be the right person for you. I believe that change is always possible, as long as someone finds a reason worth making those changes (even if it might take some time). I don't know how long you are willing to wait to see progress, but there's no right/wrong answer. It really depends on yourself and your tolerance. If you're a patient guy, give her some more time. Maybe a year or so. If not, really reconsider this relationship.
I understand both sides. I come from a big family, and having my significant other get along with them is extremely important to me. On the other hand, I get extremely nervous meeting my partner's family, and I am very bad at carrying conversations with his mom, so if, for whatever reason, he asks if I want to stay at his mom's place by myself (e.g., he has to run an errand), I always tag along with him and choose to be bored wherever he is than sit at home with his mother! But that doesn't mean I don't make an effort to talk to his mom when I do see her, because I think it's important to try to establish at least a decent relationship with family. To me, it's about making the effort (even if I ultimately fail) because I know it's important to my partner, and I would expect him to do the same (this goes for anything, really).

I've faced a similar situation before...She might be shy, but if she knows how important your family is to you, then hopefully she will try to make an effort. If not, then maybe she isn't worth investing your time and emotions into.

Thanks everyone, I spoke to her and I will give it time. She has the freedom of choice at this point on what she decides to do. She's willing to work with me and when we did speak, I let her know that whatever she chooses will effect how this relationship will go. Let's see how it'll go. I honestly want her to at least form a decent relationship with them. So that everyone knows I'm not dating someone who is "stuck up" or can't relate. She's not a bad girlfriend and I don't blame her on being this way. More of what I do blame is more of the unwillingness to do anything about a problem. That's where I think a lot of people don't see my point. I clearly told her what I want and she's willing to work with me together. This time things were different and she agreed to work with me. So hopefully slowly but surely, she can show me differently.

I plan on speaking to my family too and let them know to give her a chance. I understand it'll take more than just her to change. They are open minded people and hopefully they can help me out a little too. If I want something to be done about this problem, I know I need to be active in this too. It's a team effort between me and her.

I hope all the advice given above and the one I'm about to give you, will help you deal with this.
I personally think that there a number of reasons your girlfriend doesn't interact with your family. Mainly because she's shy, but she also has no idea what to talk about, finds it difficult to relate to others on a more mature level (since she's always running off with your nephews and nieces), etc.
There's not much you can do about her shyness. She needs to step over that, break that wall, bite the bullet or whatnot. You can however help out with the topics that are discussed. She's your girlfriend so no doubt you know exactly what makes her tick, what she likes and what she loves to do. Instead of trying to get a conversation going where she participates, try to get a conversation going about things that she loves and knows a lot about. Her biggest passion is most surely something she also loves to talk about. Prepare upfront so you've got some questions and/or remarks about her hobby if the conversation runs to a grind. YOU need to be the icebreaker here.
If that fails and she still doesn't participate in a conversation and doesn't get to know your family, you really should be asking yourself the following: is this girl the girl I want to wake up to for the next, oh say 40-50 years? And is the fact that she's not close with my family, going to bother me?
My wife of over 3,5 years and me have a similar relationship. She's close to her family, I'm to mine but we're both not close to each others families. I asked myself those same questions aswel as did she and we both came to the conclusion that we love each other too much for that to be the end of our relationship. So now when I visit my family, she often doesn't come with and when she visits her family, I often don't go. We've decided that we like the way this works, eventhough our families aren't the happiest about that. The fact is: we are and that's all that matters.
[edit]Ugh, only now I read you already replied and are dealing with it. Sorry for the late response. I hope everything works out [/edit]

Lol thanks! I appreciate everyone's help