Toxic Relationships

How do you fellow soompiers deal with toxic relationships? I am currently seeing this guy for about six months already. He is an absolute player, red flags everywhere. ALL my friends and family tells me to cut him out. But in refuse to. I feel like I like him waaaaay too much to care about how shitty he treats me. And I have no idea why I'm tolerating this. I know he's toxic, but I just can't. It's like you know smoking is bad for you but you do it anyways. That's how I would put it.

So, any of you soompiers in the same situation as me? Or have any wise words that might even help me get out of this?

Well list some of the things he does to you and what makes him an "absolute player"

@frenchtutor‌

1. We go on for days not texting, and if we do it's only a couple lines

2. Calls me out last minute and usually at night

3.never texts me first

4. Never has time for me, only sees me once a week or once every two weeks

5. Only called me twice in our 6 months together

6. Refers to me as his friend

7. Never met his friends or family

8. He is still talking to his ex (reliable sources tell me that according to his ex they are trying to work things out)

9. Disappears and comes back to me like nothing happened

10. His good looks and charm just tells me he's a player

Now read that exact list you wrote down one more time, be logical and ask yourself these questions:

Have I given my 100% in this relationship?

Is it worth my time and effort to keep this relationship?

If yes, have a heart to heart with him, sit down with him and talk about all these issues. BUT there's two pathways to take

1) I have a feeling you already talked to him about all these issues and had multiple fights already. So think about this. If your sources are really reliable, isn't this a timebomb waiting to explode? He's going to ditch you for his ex? What are you doing then? I understand you like him and you still will have feelings left when this relationship is over for a little bit but would you really want to do that to yourself? You'll end up hating him in the end, you can either end this relationship in a nicer way or you can fight and make this relationship work somehow. If the thought of making this relationship work irritates you in any way, it is about time for you to focus on yourself and move on. You don't DEAL with toxic relationships. Once you label it a toxic relationship yourself you identify the poison and kill it off before it takes over you completely

2) If you didn't talk to him about ALL these issues, give him the ultimatum. Tell him that all of these things bother you. Communication from both parties is KEY to any relationship

a)  Ask him and find out the reasons why he doesn't text first or ever calls you. If he gives you a stupid answer which I feel like he will, tell him it will be very difficult for you to keep this relationship without any communication from the other party. Tell him you can't do this alone. So that's the first red flag confirmed if he gives you a stupid answer

Also tell him you would like to meet his friends and family as well. Explain to him why you feel it's important to do so in a relationship. If he says "Why?" or doesn't agree to, that's the second red flag confirmed

c) Confront him about the ex rumors. I mean why wouldn't you? I know you like the guy but would you like them together instead? If you like him enough doesn't it make sense to be able to fight for him? See what he has to say. Make sure you are convincing enough so that if he really is planning to do so, that he will panic. If you're afraid to ask him this because he might leave you, just keep in mind he already kind of did by having these thoughts.

d) See why he can only see you once a week or once every 2 weeks. Was it like that in the beginning of the relationship? If it wasn't ask him why the sudden change. If he makes stupid excuses, third red flag confirmed

You get two or three red flags, you are disrespecting yourself by being with this guy. Have some decency

But also keep in mind that maybe his behavior is due to the fact that he's been talking/spending time with his ex? If so this isn't a toxic relationship, it's just not even a relationship anymore then

Think about it. You are Rihanna, he's Chris Brown. He's abused you and you still "like" him and want to be with him. Does that make any sense to you? Years later down the line you'll realize how ridiculous it was to stay with him, I guarantee that 100% and I don't even know you. You're still young and probably the only way for you to learn is to experience the actual pain. So do what you have to do.

 Learn it the hard way or even the harder way.

@ReckLESS_  : I'm going to say love yourself more. As far as toxic relationships go I have more business contacts than personal contacts in my phone these days for a reason. Had to ask myself do I allow myself to put up with being mistreated, or do I love myself enough to walk away. Going to suggest for you to ask yourself the question of do you love yourself enough to walk away?


@frenchtutor: Cool advice, but Rihanna provoked Chris Brown into putting his hands on her although he shouldn't have taken it that far though.

Rihanna provoked Chris Brown into putting his hands on her although he shouldn't have taken it that far though

No. No. No. Just no.

1. Your girl says "come at me bro", and you knock her in the face like some drunk douchebag at the bar?

2. Would you even hit some drunk violence provoking douchebag at the bar? Because that's also not cool.

3. Victim blaming & making excuses for violent tendencies is why domestic violence is always so difficult to resolve

@Severus      Let me start with my disclaimer that whatever my response is you're going to probably take it the wrong way.  Hoping my response is taken in a positive way. If you get where I'm coming from with my response I'm thankful! If not turn the whole thing into a joke like you normally do on the forum anyways. With that in mind if you take emotion out of the situation and really go look at her 20/20 Interview with Diane Sawyer when asked about what happened Rihanna's body language indicates she's lying about some stuff. But that doesn't excuse him beating the brakes off her like that. He should have got out the car and walked away from her but down the line she still would have wanted confrontation but he still shouldn't have reacted because some women which I've seen with my own eyes will put a man into that situation to get a reaction out of him. That's not victim blaming. That is the unfortunate truth that myself and other men I've met randomly as well as know personally have stated over and over and over again.

I really have no idea what you've been through but empathizes with your negative experiences.  To answer your questions I've been in some chaotic situations where I've had women want to fight me because they didn't like my father and let's be honest with ourselves here that my father's behavior/actions do not speak for my behavior/actions. So I just kept my mouth closed and walked away because I don't condone beating up a woman. The last time a woman wanted to fight me was because I refused to have sex with her because I knew the after math would be a bad idea. I had a witness to her wanting to fight me and as soon as she seen my witness she backed off; and gave me this scowl as she walked away. With victim blaming and domestic violence the truth is when it comes to gender roles in different situations things are not a level playing field. It's proven that a woman can get away with a LOT, and it's also that in some situations in life a woman will not be taken as serious as a man would. From watching life I feel like a woman holds more power in society and that's why women are targeted more for advertisements. I don't even go to bars much because of how backwards American society is wired. Most of the time if I go to a bar it's a proven theory the girl is taken or not worth talking to. Also, why am I going to buy a girl a drink at the bar to show her I like her. The concept sounds unfair.

Remove yourself from the problem, and you'll be okay.

writerstale

said: @Severus      Let me start with my disclaimer that whatever my response is you're going to probably take it the wrong way.  Hoping my response is taken in a positive way. If you get where I'm coming from with my response I'm thankful! If not turn the whole thing into a joke like you normally do on the forum anyways. With that in mind if you take emotion out of the situation and really go look at her 20/20 Interview with Diane Sawyer when asked about what happened Rihanna's body language indicates she's lying about some stuff.

But that doesn't excuse him beating the brakes off her like that. I really have no idea what you've been through but sorry for your negative experiences. 

To answer your questions I've been in some chaotic situations where I've had women want to fight me because they didn't like my father and let's be honest with ourselves here that my father's behavior/actions do not speak for my behavior/actions. So I just kept my mouth closed and walked away because I don't condone beating up a woman. The last time a woman wanted to fight me was because I refused to have sex with her because I knew the after math would be a bad idea. I had a witness to her wanting to fight me and as soon as she seen my witness she backed off; and gave me this scowl as she walked away. With victim blaming and domestic violence the truth is when it comes to gender roles in different situations things are not a level playing field. It's proven that a woman can get away with a LOT, and it's also that in some situations in life a woman will not be taken as serious as a man would. From watching life I feel like a woman holds more power in society and that's why women are targeted more for advertisements. I don't even go to bars much because of how backwards American society is wired. Most of the time if I go to a bar it's a proven theory the girl is taken or not worth talking to. Also, why am I going to buy a girl a drink at the bar to show her I like her. The concept sounds unfair. 

yeah, same things as I tell everyone who doesn't want to quit their toxic relationship. just stay until you can't take it anymore. love depends on what he does for you, if he only does negative things, then surely it'll chip away the love slowly but surely. eventually it'll be whittled down to the point where you can even feel that it's not worth it anymore. of course right now you can't break it off, you love him too much, quitting cold turkey is hard, I think that you shouldn't give yourself unnecessary pressure. Instead, just stay until you don't love him anymore. and then it'll be easy to break up with him. You might regret this and think you were dumb for wasting all this time for the same result, but you just have to think about the fact that you wouldn't have done it any other way anyway. good luck.

I should've never used that Chris Brown analogy

Sorry, but you don't have a relationship with him. 

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You have an addiction to emotional pain. You might want to get that checked

This is an old thread but considering most of the replies were off topic imma put my 2 cents in lol
Being a doormat is never attractive and im honestly surprised he hasnt left you yet because guys get bored really fast, especially if you just give into everything. dont let him do those things to you. Stand up for yourself, disagree with him, put your needs before him, know your worth and make it be known. CARE about how shitty he treats you and dont tolerate it, dont be so accessible or easy, dont reward bad behavior etc.
I wouldnt be worrying about him tbh, the only person you can change is you and its waaaaaaaay more important that you have confidence down then a guy that you cant have. Oh, and that could possibly be a reason why you cant leave him: because you cant have him and it makes you want to try harder.
OR get super successful and hott and then rub it in his face as revenge.